Ok, I think my H and my BF are having an EA and this is why. She has been having problems in her M for quite sometime, and has been getting advice from me and my H. However, she quit getting advice from me because I was not telling her what she wanted to hear, and she thought that I was talking to her H and he was telling me what to say.

My H and I have been having M issues as well and he's been talking to her about them, and getting advice. Well, I think that they are both just telling each other what the other wants to hear! BF has told me that she doesn't talk to my H about personal matters anymore. They work together, and I want desperately to beleive her. My H and my BF have been friends for a long time.

My BF's H confronted my H and told him that all the time they spend together is not helping his sitch. My H has now basically completely cut him off as a friend. And the two of them have been friends forever. BF's H tried to talk to my H and fix their friendship, but my H told him that he had nothing to say to him. However, my H is still good friends with his W. Hmmmmm....

Ok, here's the kicker. I talked to a close friend of mine yesterday and she told me that she had, had her sespisions as well of there being something going on b/w my BF and my H. Hmmmm....

Ok, so with that info do I have enough to go to husband and ask him if he is having an A of any kind? If he said no I could ask him well then why are my friends coming to me with suspisions of there being something going on. I have a history of being controling and emotionally abusive which I'm working on with books and counseling. I don't want to come across being control or accusing. I just need to know!

Or, do I talk to my BF first and ask the same type of questions?

I asked one of my friends this question and they told me to talk to H first because I'm M to him and not BF.

I've been in the Emotional Needs forum and they told me to ask these questions in here.

Never been in this place before in my life and so I have NO idea what to do. I feel like I'm floating and numb all at the same time.

If they are having an affair, they will deny it. If they are not having an affair, they will deny it as well.

The best way to really find out is to snoop on your H. Check his email accounts, his cell phone, and what he's up to when he thinks you are not around.

Well, we are seperated right now. So it's very hard to snoop. I'm finding new email accounts, but I don't know the passwords, and I can't guess them either.

ditto sundog

Almost pointless to confront either without some hard evidence.

Can you provide a synopsis of your situation - your ages, kids, years married, etc.?

Brief synopsis in Emotional Needs room thread entitled Immediate Advice Needed....

A1,

""Well, we are seperated right now"" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Is your BF separated from her H too??

Because your H is totally dissing his long time good friend because the good friend requested your H not spend so much time and attention to his WIFE!! leads me to think he is TOTALLY involved in an A with her..prolly a PA.

Total FOG actions and fog speak.

Snoop, snoop and snoop some more.

Get a voice activated recorder and hide it in his car or in his bedroom if possible. THAT could be very enlightening.

Have the BF's H come here too. He should be doing mucho snooping also.

krk

Abused1, it's no great surprise that your husband would begin an affair with someone he has confided in. It's one of the easiest paths into an affair, and I wondered whether that was happening the first time I read one of your posts.

I would suggest that you simply step away from the craziness and continue to work on your own health. If they're having an affair, it will have to work itself out on its own time. You and your BF's husband both know about it, and there's little you can do beyond that. Continue to learn how to regulate your own emotions with the Stosny stuff and take steps to protect yourself. You'll soon learn that many of the things that your husband labelled as "crazy" were also completely normal (but not helpful) intuitive reactions to the emotional signals you were receiving.

As you regulate your emotions better, his crazy-making behavior will make you less crazy. And then you'll be able to see more clearly how to respond compassionately and ethically to this new problem.

No, her and H are still together and according to her H they are working on things. Everytime I talked to BF though she was still put out with her H. BF and I haven't spoken though about that in a long time.

I don't really see him anymore and we are seperated so I couldn't put it in his bedroom. He doesn't want me to come to his apt.

So I should not worry about confronting H about possibility of A right now?

Why are you two separated? What was the circumstance and reason for the split?

Well, I was emotional abusive to my H because of issues of sexual abuse in my past that I had not dealt with. However, in the thread that's going on in the Emotional Needs place they are telling me that all this might not be my fault. I think my H started to fall out of love with me because I had SERIOUS sexual issues due to the abuse(he didn't know about it). I think that maybe as he started to pull away from me that I began to use anger to try to bring him closer to me. This being again because of the secret that I held.

However, H right now says he wants a D because he doesn't think that the intimacy and love will ever be in our M. Because he says it never was in our M.

If you think you have found the reasons to some of the problems you two experienced, and want to work at meeting each others needs, sit down with your husband and explain it all. Tell him what you will work on, and see if he's willing to give it a shot and work on himself as well.

In a separate note, I'd be calling and talking to the OW's husband if I were you. Find out why he is/was suspicious and what he knows. If there is an affair going on, your husband will want nothing to do with you regardless.

Call the OW's H and compare notes, if you are both wrong, then all the better.

Already tried that, it didn't work. He just says that he's done.

Because they were spending hours at a time on the cell phone with one another.

OW's H now thinks that they are working things out. Which may be the case. I could be dead wrong in all of this, but....OW's H thought it looked fishy, I think it looks fishy, one of my dear friends thinks it looks fishy.....

"If it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck...."

Sounds like they may have been having an emotional affair together. Can you access your husbands cell phone log or cell bills to see how much time they are on the phone?

I'd still contact the OW's H just to see what's going on in his marriage. Is his wife working late, going to work early, etc. Find out if she's seeing your husband.

No


I don't think she's working late, don't think she's going to work early either. She and my H work together, and see each other all day!!

*bump*

Abused,

Read about plan A. Use plan A coupled with what you are learning about yourself and how to avoid some of your issues. Let your H see the changing you, and have patience. Most affairs die and often within 6 months. Use this time to change and improve yourself and when you get the chance plan A your H.

Even if the A goes to a PA, give it the 6 months and continue to work on you. You see if it dies he is going to be shocked at the woman that is standing there waiting for him (that would by YOU <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> ). If the marriage ends he is going to be shocked at the woman that he lost (that would be you).

You need to address your issues no matter what he does right now, do that. This is what YOU can control, make yourself into someone that many people will find attractive and a joy to be around. You just might be surprised at the impact you backing off, plan A'ing and working on your issues will have on those around you.

I will say again, working on your issues is the ONLY way you can truely impact this situation and it means you are prepared no matter the outcome.

God Bless,

JL

PS: I don't even want to hear the "but he is hurting me" comment from you young lady. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> You don't understand yet, but you will. Your actions hurt YOU more than your H. He solved his pain by leaving you, you cannot solve your pain by leaving yourself. You are realizing you did want this marriage and it is hurting you that he has solved his problem which was you.

By the same token, his actions NOW while hurting you, leave you with options. He will NOT be able to run away from the consequences of his actions thus he hurts himself. Do you see this?

A1,

""Because they were spending hours at a time on the cell phone with one another.""

""She and my H work together, and see each other all day!!""

IT'S A FISHY SMELLIN' DUCK!!!!

I haven't confronted him about the possibility of an A yet, but I have only been in contact with him in the past few weeks when he contacts me. He tells me all the time to call him anytime I want to if I just want to talk. And, I want to talk to him badly. Do I need to continue to not talk to him? I mean, he rarely calls me and it's just for asking about bills. I'm know that he thinks that I'm mad at him because every time we talk he appoligizes for making me mad. And I've told him a 1,000,000 times that I'm not mad, I'm just really sad. He doesn't beleive me, I don't think. I wish I could talk to him right now, and tell him how much I love him, but it would do no good. He's said to me many times that he is done, and that he's been done. Boy, I sure do with that he'd have been honest enough in the M to have told ME that "Hey, our sex life sucks lets go get help!", or "Hey, I'm just not feeling very loved lets go get some help!" But I guess he just held it all in until it was to late!

WOW, I never thought about it that way. I think that's one of the nicest things someone has said to me in a long time. In this crappy time in my life it made me smile.<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks, Just Learning!! I really and truely needed that!!