I found out on 6/5/06 my H had been having an EA with a coworker since 2/06. I confronted him on 6/7. In the months proceding D-day, my husband's behavior became very erratic. He'd either be very withdrawn (from everyone in the family) or he'd be very mean and nasty to me. I'd try to get him to talk, but he'd just push me away. Twice during this time he told me he hated me. That floored me because although I knew our marriage was not going well, I couldn't believe I'd done anything that would cause him to hate me. It crossed my mind he might be having an A, but I brushed it aside, because I'd always thought of A's as being sexual and that was the one area that was not a problem in our marriage...neither quality or quantity. After putting up with this crazy behavior, I finally had enough one day and began snooping among his private and personal papers...sure enough the evidence was there...hotel receipts, hidden cell phone bills, etc. With that, I began using all my technology skills to find out everything about the affair and the OW. I have it all documented and in a safe place.

After 3 days of collecting information and proof, I arranged for my children to go to a friend's house and I confronted him. I started by calling the OW just before my H was due home. I caught her off guard and she confessed to everything and even filled in some missing information. I hung up with just enough time for her to call and warn him before he got home....Also as a side note, she is married too (but says her marriage is over) however her husband does not know of the A. I have debated calling him, but have held off so far. This situation is further complicated as it turns out I work very closely with her Father-in-Law. So I have this constant reminder of the A both at work and home.

During the confrontation I'd originally intended to rant, rave, then ask him to leave. But when he walk through the door a calm settled over me and I managed to handle the confrontation very well. We talked for 3 hours that night. Twice he got up and almost walked out, but i stopped him and forced him to stay and deal with it. In the end, he was the one crying. He apologized for hurting me (but not for the A), but he also told me he didn't know what he wanted. He offered to leave, but I told him he could stay while he figured out what he wanted. He said he was going to stop all non-business related contact with the OW until he decided what he wanted. I thought that would take a few days, but it's now 6 weeks later and he still hasn't made up his mind.

We are both in IC, and are supposed to begin MC next week. In his ambivalence he alternates between being friendly and pleasant one day, withdrawn and uncommunicative the next, and periodically being down right nasty to me. We've had 2 incidents where he's blamed the A on me. Both times I've acknowledge my responsibility in the marriage problems, but have not accepted any blame for the A itself. He has been very good about answering my questions about the A even though some of them have made him uncomfortable.

The first 3 weeks after D-day, there was quite a bit of talking and interaction. But then I went away with the kids over the long holiday weekend. When I came back his behavior had changed and was more like when he was in the midst of the A. I did some investigating and found out he'd met with her at a hotel while I was away. I confronted him again and he'd admitted it again. He cried and said he was sorry. I told him NO MORE...if you want to be with her then leave. He said he still doesn't know what he wants and said he's afraid if he leaves it will completely open the door to let the A continue. He specifically promised he would not see her again and would limit his intereaction with her at work. He also said, if he was tempted to interact with her on an emotional level, he would tell me and make arrangements to leave.

So as he is working through his abmivalence and mood swings, I'm having my own ambivalence about letting him stay any longer. I'm trying to deposit love units, but he has not been very responsive and has even criticized me for my efforts and accused me af being phony.

This whole situation is making me feel crazy. I have days when I feel like I'm coping fine, other days when I actually feel a bit of happiness, then other days where I'm depressed and obsessive. Sometimes I feel like I'm putting in all the effort and he's just coasting along. Several people have commented that he has the best of both worlds right now.

I am co-dependent (an adult child of an alcoholic), but I was thrilled when I saw the article on this site that said it's not necessarily a bad thing. I'm just worried whether I am tying to hold onto this marriage out of love or out of fear. I'm also trying to decide if I'm strong enough to "heal myself" while he's in the house and I have to deal with his mood swings and withdrawl. Sometimes I think I'll have a better chance of getting my life together and finding peace if he leaves for a while. I also worry, that since it is taking him so long to make up his mind, that his connection to the OW is too strong for me to break and he is just staying due to guilt and financial restrictions. I know if this is the case, then he will be staying for the wrong reasons and it is likely to happen again with either her or someone else.

So I would appreciate anyone's comments or insight. How long do I give him to make up his mind? Now that I've read a little about plan A, I'm going to try to get the book tonight and find out more and see if I can better understand and apply it. I just hope I'm strong enough in the face of his ambivalence. Are there any WS out there who can give me more insight as to what he is going through and what I should do?

I'm grateful to anyone who will share.
Thanks!

.......
Me: 44
WH: 48
M: 7.5 yrs (together 9+ yrs)
Kids: 2 - 7ys & 12 yrs (1 from prev. marriage)
A: 2/06-7/06
D-day: 6/9/06

Welcome.

Who have you exposed to?

*sigh*



ahhhhhhhhhhh

the promises made by a man in the grips of an affair addiction .... so very worthless

but you know that, right?

Pep

>get him<

well

you make up your mind first

when you preoccupy yourself with trying to get HIM to change, you avoid making the necessary changes in yourself

Is he a drinker?

Pep

No, I don't know that...

That's why I posted this message.

Likewise I don't know if I can "work on myself" while he's in the house, so I'm wondering if a separation would be a good thing??? At least for me...

Why do you think a separation is a good thing?

Who have you exposed the affair to?

Who have you told?

The OW's H?

Why not?

Read the link in my sig line below and all imbedded links.

So far I've exposed it to my family and a few close friends.

I chose not to expose it to the OW's husband thinking after she was aware I knew, she would back off my husband and go try to work on her own marriage. She also begged me not to and I really didn't want to cause anyone else to suffer as I was (I was being noble <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />). However, having just read your Exposure 101 thread, I now realize how naive that was, but since this was all new to me, I didn't know otherwise. It's time i rethink this....

I also did not tell my spouse's family, although they do know we are having some problems. I do have a good relationship with them and my husband is close to them. I guess I thought if I told them and damaged my husband's relationship with them, it would be such a LB that it would destroy any chance of saving my marriage. Once again I will have to rethink my position on this...

Thank you for the links and please keep the excellent information coming...I am learning!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Expose it!

The only finesse needed is to make sure you come across in your exposures as loving and wanting to restore your marriage. The opposite of seeking revenge. Be calm and a bit wounded. Understand?

Regardless of how well you do this, the exposees will brand you as seeking revenge. Hello? Why is it revenge if you (the affairees) haven't done anything wrong? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

The madder they get, the better.

DO NOT threaten or warn that you're gonna do this. This gives them opportunity to do damage control and brand YOU as a crazed lunatic and scapegoat you!

Keep reading and do not hesitate to shine the light on this and watch the cockroaches scurry. Do not flich when they come after you. Your mantra - "I want only to preserve my family. I am only revealing your secrets that are harmful to all of us with hopes that you'll realize this too."

WAT

...but she told you that her M was over? If that was the case, why all the concern about her H finding out?

NEVER trust an active WS - lying is second-nature to them. It's a necessary component for building the altered-reality state of an A.