Greeting fellow MB'ers. I mostly lurk (and occasionally post) on the EN's forum. Now I am seeking the advice in the D/D forum. Fortunately not for myself but for my brother. His wife has filed for divorce after ~ 15 years of marriage.

I am seeking your input on how I can best offer him support as he goes through this difficult time.

Here's a bit of back ground:
me - early 50's male, married 30 years, two grown children. We negotiated some rocky periods and, with the great advice from Dr Harley's books, currently have a very good & secure marriage.

my brother - late 40's, married ~ 15 years - his first marriage, her second (first ended in divorce), two children (pre-teen), one step daughter. Step daughter married (young) with one child (<2 years old).

My brother told me that they had gone through some tough times. Their story would likely sound familiar to those who've been here. He thought much of the trouble was due to stress of job loss (industry wide lay-offs). Discovers wife having an affair at new job. Fog abounds. Tried MC. When I suggested MB'ers my brother already knew of it. In fact he had printed out Dr Harley's article about Co-Dependency. The counselor took one look and proclaimed it hog-wash... But his wife ate up everything the counselor said about her victimhood.

He reported a "good Father's Day" followed by being served with divorce papers the next day. Came home from work to find 1/2 of household and children gone. Wife had also filed restraining order for abuse using trumped up charges. (he admits he isn't likely to be nominated for sainthood but he has never been anything near abusive to wife or children)

He has decided the marriage is over. He isn't going to fight the divorce. But he is still quite depressed about losing everything he held dear. So, fellow MB'ers, what can I do? For those who've been through this, knowing what you know now, what would you have needed & wanted then?

He knows MB is here, and you can tell him about the D/D board.
I highly suggest a local separated/divorced support group. To have people nearby who are going through the same thing is very helpful. In many cases, they can provide guidance on the law in the area, lawyer or counselor recommendations, or just an ear.
If he's depressed, is he seeing a counselor? Is he on AD's? These may help him through this difficult period.
Many of us read quite a bit to learn what went wrong. We're still here to learn what we can do better.
Make sure he keeps seeing his children, it's very important for both him and the children to maintain the relationship.
Good luck to your Brother.

I'd say just be there. Listen. Step in if you see him doing anything self destructive or if depression sets in. I think a lot of people, men especially?, avoid seeing a doctor about depression until it is paralyzing.


Mrs. W8ing

Trumped up charge or not, bro is going to have to keep his cool. His temper will only serve to work against him. RO's are not purchased over-the-counter. You have to be able to back up an abuse claim with some history or event. You can be a sounding board for bro. Help him keep his cool. Help him to stay on a rational path.

Depression will also work against him. He is already showing signs of throwing in the towel. If he does this, WW will take everything from him, including his children. Help him to stay focused on the task at hand.

He is a father of two young children. His children will need him to fight for their right to have quality time with their father during and after the divorce. He still has years of parenting ahead of him.

ghnl,

It's his battle....but you can spend time with him, invite him to do fun things. He needs to start keeping a very detailed journal about everything that goes on right now....it may help in court. And MA is right....with the RO in place....keeping his cool is paramount. You've gotten some good advice above, so I don't have much to add....just wanted you to know I stopped by to support you.

Another thing to keep in mind - if he has been physical IN ANY WAY while he's been angry, her perceptions are probably more accurate than he can perceive - people who use physicality to restrain or persuade rarely see themselves "as bad as" reality feels to the other person.

If he's NEVER used his physical strength to keep her from moving freely about her home, never touched her or grabbed her arm in anger or gotten really close to her face while yelling, then you can consider the charges are trumped up. But accountability - at least to oneself - minimizes the chances of things being blown out of proportion in court or mediation.

A good lawyer well versed in parental alienation would be good at this point, if this is the true reality.

Thanks for the replies. One difficulty is that we live on opposite coasts of the USA. We have been emailing a lot.

I've told him about the forum but I doubt he's ever posted. The idea of a local support group is good. I'll suggest he look into that.

He was seeing a counselor but not sure about currently. I'll ask.

It is certainly possible for one party to request a RO and have it granted based solely on the word of the one party. The restrictions imposed by this RO (no contact with the children) were just as quickly lifted. I realize it sounds cliche to say the charges were 'trumped up' but I am certain that was the case. At any rate, he does know he must watch his every step. The idea of a journal is also good and may help in this matter too, thanks.

His goal now is to get through the divorce and maintain contact with his children. He is trying not to be bitter. He says he feels sorry for her. He knows that her fantasy world (based on what is at least an EA) will come crashing down.