I suspect an active or pending A and am sure of a prior indiscretion. This may not be classic plan A, but I am using the Plan A tools in a general sense.
Then I urge you to get over to the GQII board ASAP to get advice, there are veterans there that can help you get to the bottom of it. From what I've read over there, the key of Plan A is to eliminate the affair, and eliminating LBs and meeting ENS alone doesn't do it, there is still the secrecy that makes the affiar more alluring, which is why exposure is key.
The second job is a good example. For months he would complain about not enough money, and demand that I find a second job. I wasn't eager to take a second job, (actually a third, I have an in-home enterprise that provides a small cash stream) but could see the necessity. So I looked, and did not find one quickly...H is impatient 'I have a second job! Wheres YOURS?".
Okay, so did you take the job because you were enthusiatic about it? Was it a SD on his part, or did you agree that you need to work a second job? Intent matters. Resentment is a Love Bank drainer.
Then I find a job. Well, that's a problem too...H says "I hate it that you do that, why did you take such a scummy job? Why can't you get something better? So an So's wife makes XXXX a year"
How did you feel and respond when he said that? Are you happy with your second job? With your salary? Did it sound like verbal abuse to you? If that was the case, how can you protect yourself?
Then followed by "I need you to put $50 in my checking account or I'll bounce another check."
How can you respond to demands like these?
This was pretty much the scenario of our most recent BIG fight. He disses my efforts to meet his demand and then makes another demand! I was just ENRAGED!
Anger is an important emotion. It tells you when you are putting someone else's values higher than you own. But what you do with your anger is important, too. How do you express yourself when you're angry?
He knew his checking balance was O or close to it, still had gone right out and used his debit card to make a few purchases of things we could easily have waited for. And yes checks did bounce...to the tune of more than $200. Mighty fffing expensive t-shirts, huh? Of course to him the bounced checks were my fault because I failed to get the money for him.
Do you see the DJ in there? IMO, it's a good thing that you allowed him to experience the consequences. State your truth, he doesn't have to agree.
The conversation you outlined above would have been more appropriate...But until I can get him to drop his defenses, and want to listen, anything I say will fall on deaf ears.
So how can you protect your finances? Have you been to a MC? You may want to start a new thread about finance disagreements in a marriage, we have some veterans in that!
What is your biggest issue?
