Post deleted by justjilly

might be nice if you posted a more detailed summary, or linked a reference to one of your other threads here :-)

[edit your top level post, maybe?]

oops.. edit of my own that has been long delayed.. I'm sorry, I didnt see your link at the very bottom, in your signature area <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Post deleted by justjilly

justjilly,

Wow. I just read most of your posts. Let me see if I have the story straight.

You are an OW to the man that is now your husband.

Your H " not a superficial person at all" has now gone and blown up both of his M's with another A to a "shallow woman"

Your H's first W"who just needs to get on with her life" refuses to permit a trifecta parenting plan when it comes to her child.

Your XH is a drug addict and schizophrenic.

Your H's XW is a bitter woman who later became the OW ( after her M was destroyed).

The H to your current OW is probably "gay" and all the time and tears he has gone though in this debacle is dismissed because he wants sex only to procreate.

And now you are worried about how to save your current M????

Don't


Worry about your first priority to your children.Your story screams of your perceived victimization. Your life is irrelevant to any mature discussion of the true victims.

Be a mother. Your happiness is of secondary importance.Every day for the rest of your, his, ours children's lives think about how you can make it up to them for putting them through this. Make every choice you are confronted with a testament to your renewed devotion to their greater needs.

Take complete and total responsibility for your actions in BOTH M's.

I wish you and all the affected children the best of luck. You will be in my prayers.

I don't understand why you thought someone that would cheat WITH you wouldn't cheat ON you.

God Bless,

-Caren

I'm sure she'd love to go back 9 years or whatever it is. She screwed up back then. Yep.

Thank God he gives us a second chance.

Telling her she screwed up isn't really going to help her is it. I think she knows that.

JJ, it seems to me that the basic issue here is that your H does not believe in fidelity. He demonstrated this by leaving his wife and marrying you in the first place.

So, we might be able to help you bust up this affair, but wouldn't it all be for naught if your partner does not believe in fidelity or have any respect for the bonds of marriage? It seems to me like that that is the basic issue here. Does it to you?

I feel very sorry for your children, they did not volunteer for this. At least you KNEW you would be facing this when you married him. They had no choice in the matter.

As a FWW in my first marriage, I believe that it is very important to remember that people do change. To believe otherwise removes hope that a marriage touched by infidelity can recover.

If I truely believed that my FWH was incapable of changing, that he learned nothing from his mistakes, then I would divorce him immediately with little regret.

But I don't believe that. Just because Jilly was an OW and WW in the past, doesn't mean that she hurts any less than any of us BS. And it certainly doesn't mean she had no right to expect fidelity from her 2nd H.

There are many instances here of WS who cheated repeatedly for decades and eventually recovered to become a faithful S.


While this may be true, it doesn't have to be. Look at Stillweds FWH as an example. He certainly didn't appear to believe in fidelity and they have a wonderfully recovered marriage today.

Who

jj,

Marriages that begin as affairs always have baggage that is hard to overcome. The reason so many of them fail, or succumb to the same dynamics that created them is because the relationship began in an environment of lies and mistrust. Those things tend to linger. It one reason why a few folks have mentioned revisiting that time and doing what can be done to make past amends. I know that you mentioned over on JFO that you had apologized to your H's XW (I think cym may have mixed up some of your posts with 2for2's....she's the one who is complaining about the XW being difficult with the children and shallow) and that you mentioned you and the XW have become "friends". Even so....now that you've felt first hand what it feels like to be on the recieving end.....it might be good for your own soul to let the XW know that you truly understand in a way you might not have before.

Having said all of that.....You are now married to this man and have a child. I have no doubt that experiencing this from a new perspective is incredibly painful and debilitating. Please go and see a doctor about your panic/pressure problems....those are very dangerous. Also....please consider some individual counseling to explore your abandonment issues from childhood, and how those issues can lead to some of the very destructive choices that you continue to make in your life. You need to be able to answer the questions about why you've chosen the kind of men you have....and why you've made the personal choices you have.

I don't think you're a bad person Jilly <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />....but I think if you're going to have a chance for a long and healthy relationship with anyone....you're going to have to revisit the past and deal with some of your demons. All of that is part of who you are now. Call it karma, call it whatever you want to....but rebuilding a healthy foundation for your future based on ethics and compassion will give you a "base" to rebuild your life and maybe even your marriage.

Your husband has now cheated on both of his wives. BTW...I don't think for one second that this was not a PA. That's a crummy track record and it doesn't bode well for your future. Part of rebuilding this marriage rests on HIS ability to understand what drives him to make these destructive choices too....and what good marital boundaries really look like. You're so worried about losing him or upsetting him that you accept his poor marital boundaries....and that enables his fuzzy ideas about what they should be. You folks need professional help to design a recovery plan that includes....individual counseling for each of you....as well pro-marriage counseling with a good coach who can help you devise a recovery plan that is even more strict than most people might use. Each of you has already proven suseptible to outsiders.....be realistic about what it will take and what conditions need to be in place to avoid that in the future and provide some stability for the children.

Fighting in front of them must cease! They have heard and experienced too much already. You know how wounded you are from your past....this is a legacy you don't want to pass down.

It's time to restart your life....in a healthy way. Take a deep breath, feed your spirit and regroup.

starfish4729@gmail.com

Who, I have no doubt that people can change if they want to. This forum is full of such people. However, those folks ENDED their affairs and changed their ways. We can both see that is not the case here. People can and do change if they choose, but she cannot force this man to change. She married him knowing full well he did not believe in fidelity and he has only lived up to that expectation.

That certainly does not mean her marriage cannot be saved, but she has to realize that there is some major baggage here beyond the garden variety affair, and that is a WORLD VIEW that does not support fidelity. It does her no good to ignore that critical aspect of her situation.

Actually I do think Cymanca had it exactly right.

Post deleted by justjilly

Jilly,
I do think that some hear have details of you and I mixed up....none-the-less...I, too, have this question.

"Who- Thank you for saying that an FWW/OW can change. I have. I haven't been unfaithful in any relationship prior to my first M and I haven't been unfaithful to my H either so to those that say that I knew what I was getting myself into when I married him because he was a WH in his first M then if that logic must be true then why is it that I am not having A's now too?"

Did we really think that we entered our relationships thinking that they were going to do it to us? No, we had as much faith in them as we did in ourselves, that we were so wrong the first time and would not do it again. I have not and will not do it again. I have changed...I have learned my lesson. I don't ever want to make someone feel the that way again.
I thank you also starfish, it is good to believe that people can change for the better, your words were encouraging.

Jilly - You are getting good advice from Cymanca, Melody, Starfish, and BigK.

I think that sometimes people are a little hard on someone with an affair marriage. But I will tell you that most people here DO want the best for your marriage and children.

You sound like you are very healthy. Hang in with us, and please don't give up.

I am with Melodylane on this one.

If they'll do it WITH YOU...THEY'LL DO IT TO YOU.

He's a serial cheater.

and there is plenty baggage that I didn't read bout earlier.

too much imho.

Post deleted by justjilly

I've given you my advice.

you both must together first seek forgiveness...and then you can begin anew.

I also believe him to be a serial cheater. He had no problem getting w/you...getting a divorce, leaving his family...so why should he change now? What dynamic is different now? He had a child before?

Do you see it?

I am not saying D.

I am saying the dynamics are off here. And I am saying status quo. He's a serial cheat.

Only you determine what you will choose to live with.

And only time will show if he is capable of true repentance and seeking healing.

As for me, I will never be with a man if I have to forever watch behind my back wondering if he will betray me or my family ever again.

I know I am faithful and decent...and holding out for the same in my life...might've found it...we'll wait and see <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I am very pro marriage and family.

And yes, I am hugely anti affairs. I see the damages done...irreparable. And it is a snowball effect that trickles down. Will continue until everything in its path is destroyed unless drastic measures are taken BY THE WS AND WANTED TO BE TAKEN BY THE WS to change the relationship dynamics.

Sadly, we the BS, can't change somebody else. WE can provide the best chances to help facilitate that to happen, but we can't make em' to do it.

So many here think WE CAN use a technique or some psychological magic bullet, but in the end, the WS has to LEAVE THE FOG ON THEIR OWN.

And you still need to OWN YOUR PART IN THIS...and exit the fog forever. I still see from you blame shifting and revision of history in your comments why you say you're doing the BW a favor..how she's so happy about your marriage to her former H. It's history revisison. But thats besides the point.

You're here because now you're walking in the BS shoes. And it stinks.

And you have kids. More kids...More kids besides one child ALREADY DAMAGED BY A PRIOR AFFAIR. So it's snowballing.

You help end the affair by doing the MB program and giving help to it., but he's gotta to REALLY END IT AND DO THE RIGHT THING.

And there's also alot of emotional and psychologically damaging baggage here too. That's besides the infidelity.

So there's alot going on.

You have alot of deciding to do.

And a ways to go before you can get to a recovery...for if you do get to recovery, then the real hard work begins. That's when you come clean and work TOGETHER to apologize and ask for forgiveness from those you wronged (although NOW WOULD BE A GOOD OPTION)and then work together for a real marriage. A truly new beginning.

Because you need one.

Or an annullment.

Post deleted by justjilly

The collision of reality and fantasy isn't pretty is it?

I take no pleasure watching you writhe..I think the whole debacle is sad from beginning to end.

I'm so sorry that children are involved.

My opinion is that your "marriage" is not and never has been legit..I think that damage control is your best option at this point.