Hi. Need some advice on what to do now.

DDday 6-6-06.
Married 12 1/2 yrs.
3 kids 7,5,2 and Baby due in Sept.
Sept. 05 WH diagnosed with Depression

WH denied at first. On 6-7-06 WH committed himself to hospital for a week. Told me affair started 2 yrs. ago. OW was someone he met through his band. A friend of a band member who has had a hard life. (Ex-stripper, drugs, alcohol, etc) It started out as friendship. She was going through a tough time and dealing will depression.

During first day at hospital he told me A with OW was over and quiting his rock band. Only time he has tried to reconcile. All lies. He is out of the house now and basically living with OW.

I contacted OW while WH was in hospital. Said she fell hard for my WH b/c he was not like the others guys. He really listened to her, offered advice, and didn't treat her like an object. She claims they both tried to break it off many times but it only lasted maybe a week.

After about a year, she got restless b/c WH could not give her 100%, so she started seeing another guy last fall. WH caught them together TWICE in the last 6 months. OW said she told WH that she had ended it with OM, but didn't until just recently.

She says he stayed in M b/c I would take kids away from him. Not that the thought has not crossed my mind on several occasions. My family lives 2000miles away. I have no support accept for his family right now. But eventually, blood ties will win out. Right?

Discovered that WH has taken out $10,000 since Oct. 05 -Jun 06 and cannot account for much it. I got suspicious b/c OW does not have a JOB. She started a cash only interior design/landscaping business last year. Wh has a contracting business with his father and step-mom. He hired her but didn't tell them and paid her with OUR money.

Typical WS talk. I begged him to come back. But he doesn't know what he wants. He's not happy with me and really not happy with her. He's confused and can't make a decision now. But from his behavior it appears that he DOES know b/c he is not making any attempts to reconcile. He's telling his friends in the band that it's over and we are trying to get along for the kids sake. He's living like a bachelor and ignoring his resposibilities as a father and husband.

It's been 6 weeks and I don't know how long to wait. He told me last week that he would rather NOT see me when he picks up the kids, but is okay talking to me on the phone. I read "Surviving an Affair" about 3 weeks ago, and also read "His Needs, Her Needs" and reading "Love Busters". So I have learned soooo much about what I DID to not meet his emtional needs.

I just feel that the situation is so hopeless. He's living and behaving like a single guy. He sees the kids for about 1 1/2-2 hrs after work on M,W,F and 3hrs on S.

I feel like I am in Plan B now. What advice do you have?

Welcome to MB! Sorry you are here <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> You're not alone.

Why plan B? Have you done Plan A yet?

I think that even if H is out of the house you can still do Plan A.

The most important step in plan A is Exposure, to kill the affair.
It's to make you a stronger person at the same time.
It's about showing the WS how good the M, can be.

6 weeks it's not that long when talking about infidelity.


He probably doesn't want to see you because of the guilt he feels. He's a WS. He's irrational.

I believe there's hope, but you need to be firm and strong.

So have you exposed yet?

Keep posting for support and advice. If not many responses maybe you can move to General Questions, more traffic there. Not much more I can add, I am just a newbie.

Wish you all the best.

Dear Lostwillow,

I haven't done Plan A. I am not sure how to with him not being at home and I couldn't handle him at home knowing he was still contacting/seeing her at the same time.

WH immediate family know about the A, they don't agree with what he has done/doing, but they are there to support him. His father on the other hand supports him 100%. FIL had an A 20 yrs. ago (with current wife), ironically, under very similar circumstances and left WH mom.

My family know, but I have not told friends yet. They are nostly people I know through my job and I don't think I can handle the gossip right now. However, i am thinking about letting WH friends through the band know about he affair. From what I am hearing, he hasn't mentioned OW as the cause of the separation, but rather ME wanting him to choose between the band and me. He told some people that he picked me, but now I am hearing that he picked the band.

I just feel like there's no hope with him anymore. That he has decided to move on.

Thank you for your thoughts!