Hi. Need some advice on what to do now.

DDday 6-6-06.
Married 12 1/2 yrs.
3 kids 7,5,2 and Baby due in Sept.
Sept. 05 WH diagnosed with Depression

WH denied at first. On 6-7-06 WH committed himself to hospital for a week. Told me affair started 2 yrs. ago. OW was someone he met through his band. A friend of a band member who has had a hard life. (Ex-stripper, drugs, alcohol, etc) It started out as friendship. She was going through a tough time and dealing will depression.

During first day at hospital he told me A with OW was over and quiting his rock band. Only time he has tried to reconcile. All lies. He is out of the house now and basically living with OW.

I contacted OW while WH was in hospital. Said she fell hard for my WH b/c he was not like the others guys. He really listened to her, offered advice, and didn't treat her like an object. She claims they both tried to break it off many times but it only lasted maybe a week.

After about a year, she got restless b/c WH could not give her 100%, so she started seeing another guy last fall. WH caught them together TWICE in the last 6 months. OW said she told WH that she had ended it with OM, but didn't until just recently.

She says he stayed in M b/c I would take kids away from him. Not that the thought has not crossed my mind on several occasions. My family lives 2000miles away. I have no support accept for his family right now. But eventually, blood ties will win out. Right?

Discovered that WH has taken out $10,000 since Oct. 05 -Jun 06 and cannot account for much it. I got suspicious b/c OW does not have a JOB. She started a cash only interior design/landscaping business last year. Wh has a contracting business with his father and step-mom. He hired her but didn't tell them and paid her with OUR money.

Typical WS talk. I begged him to come back. But he doesn't know what he wants. He's not happy with me and really not happy with her. He's confused and can't make a decision now. But from his behavior it appears that he DOES know b/c he is not making any attempts to reconcile. He's telling his friends in the band that it's over and we are trying to get along for the kids sake. He's living like a bachelor and ignoring his resposibilities as a father and husband.

It's been 6 weeks and I don't know how long to wait. He told me last week that he would rather NOT see me when he picks up the kids, but is okay talking to me on the phone. I read "Surviving an Affair" about 3 weeks ago, and also read "His Needs, Her Needs" and reading "Love Busters". So I have learned soooo much about what I DID to not meet his emtional needs.

I just feel that the situation is so hopeless. He's living and behaving like a single guy. He sees the kids for about 1 1/2-2 hrs after work on M,W,F and 3hrs on S.

I feel like I am in Plan B now. What advice do you have?

This is all pretty new for you. Not to mention that you're pregnant and running after the rest of your kids. Your hormones are crazy. Your WH is driving you crazy.

Don't forget that you also have emotional needs. Has he been meeting them? Didn't you get pregnant WHILE he was in the midst of his A? Of course, he doesn't want to see you right now. Looking at you and your big bump makes the situation 'way too up close and personal. AT least, he's seeing the kids.

There have been a lot of women on this forum who have been cheated on and left by cheating men. I hope one of them has time to counsel you. Sometimes being pregnant makes you have to be stronger. There will be a definite timeline on your CH's reality check.

Have you exposed this affair to his father? Blood is thick but you never know...

Personally, although my life is a mess, I think there is hope until you're walking out of court divorced. Keep posting here. We all go through the hopeless stage. Good luck.

Oh yeah..............EXPOSE EXPOSE EXPOSE...........I don't think his parents are going to be too thrilled their son is cheating on his pregnant wife.

PLAN A the h-e-double hockey sticks out of him.............that's what you need to be doing. Read up on it.

God Bless,

-Caren

Yes, expose, especially to his parents and to them about what you know about the business deals with the OW. It sounds like you are talking to her a lot. Just remember, she is not your friend. I agree that he doesn't want to see you because it makes him feel guilty, so do not let him get away with hiding behind a phone. What is the custody arraingment for your kids? Have you sought temporary papers at least? Pray about this. Sometimes, seeing papers brings the WS back down to reality. If your WH is depressed, he is an emotional black hole of needs, and you can not need-meet to make up for clinical depression. Again, pray about this first, but it seems to me that the only thing that breaks through depression is a hard dose of reality such that he is willing to seek real help. Is he on meds?

allforone

Hi Grapegirl,

He did tell his father about the OW, but I don't think about the Business arrangement. FIL also had an A 20 years ago with current step-mom. WH mom divorced FIL. FIL is supporting WH 100%. However, his mom, brother/family, sister/family support me and the kids. They do not agree with what he has DONE, but he is their sibling and they want to support him emotional.

I am sad to say that both WH and I have not been meeting each other's emtional needs for a long time. He got into his band 3 years ago b/c it made him HAPPY. I know as a wife, he would always complain that I put others before him, including the kids and my family. I didn't understand at the time, that what I was doing WAS pushing him away and making him feel unimportant and not needed. Of course, this is all in hindsight. If I could only turn back the clock, I would be a much better wife than I was.

Thank you for your advice. I do still believe that WE CAN make our marriage better and more fulling for BOTH of us. The problem is getting HIM to see that. I am willing and wanting to move beyond this A, to make things right.

THANK YOU!

CarenMc,

WH told his father about OW, but he supports him 100%. FIL left WH mom for OW 20 yrs. ago. But the rest of his family has been very supportive.

I'll keep you posted.

THank you!

Allforone,

Hi, I haven't filed any paperwork yet. The kids and I are living in the house and he just picks them up or I'll drop them off at his brother's house.

He offered to sign over a rental property that we have, but that was in his name only, to me last week. Then immediately turned around and called me GREEDY and accused me of "taking him to the cleaners." He offered, so I accepted. I am not selling it or anything. And if I did, Ca is a no fault state, and everything would be divided equally. So I don't see why he was worried!

As far as seeing a doctor for his depression. He has seen a doctor, but not regularly. I don't think he took it seriously last year, but went only b/c I was about ready to leave then b/c of his erratic behavior and his brother thought he should go as well. Since last fall, I think he has seen the doctor maybe three or four times. He is suppose to be on Wellbutrin. Which AGAIN, he would go off of when he felt like it or forget to take it. Currently, we (me & WH family) don't think he is taking his meds. We all thought he had hit rock bottom last fall. He admitted to thoughts of killing himself, anger, rage, stress, etc. Then last month when he was in the psych. hospital, we thought for sure he was at ROCK BOTTOM, but honestly, I think it just gave him more info. on how to keep lying to me and his family. Telling us what we want to hear.

You know I feel like my life has turned into a REALLY BAD soap opera. It just all seems so crazy. I think about what this is doing to our kids and I just want it to all go away. I didn't want this for them.

THank you for your honest advice.

Mom24...

Who else can you expose to? Friends or extended family of WH? Your family? How about anyone on the OW's side of the fence? When you expose make sure to tell them your intentions in doing so (saving your marriage and family) and ask specifically for their help in assisting you with this goal...

What was your WH's specific diagnosis in the psych hospital? Just depression, or was Bipolar Disorder mentioned? I ask because of your mentioning "erratic behavior"...

Mrs. W

Also, have you expressed disappointment to your FIL about his willingness to condone the break up of the family of his grandbabies?

Mrs. W

Dear MrsWondering,

I am thinking about approaching his friends from the band. How much that will help, I have my doubts. Most of them are single or divorced themselves. I don't know much about her family except that her mom lives in Florida and knows about the A. OW said her mom was "disappointed in WH" but supports her daughter. I have thought about writing letters to OW neighbors in her condo complex. But thought that probably waasn't a good idea. Would they really care?

As for my FIL, he is a JERK. He's verbally abusive, unkind, and an alcoholic. Honestly, all he cares is that WH is WORKING b/c they are having some difficulties in their business right now. Plus, he only sees the kids a couple of times each year. He IS and has always been self-centered. He was very uninvolved in his childrens lives.

While WH was in hospital, he told his sister that the doctor thought he had some characteristics of Bipolar/maniac depression but when he was released they keep his diagnosis as just "Depression." As far as, his him taking his medication...I really don't know. He truly struggled with the idea that he had DEPRESSION.

Thank you for your suggestions!