maybe this will be more clear if you see my other poss. been up most all night.

talked to steve h yesterday...gave me a good line to say to H: "would it not be the ideal scenario that the parents of our kids to be in love with each other?"--he agreed, but before i suggested the research part of it, he said, sure, but thats not possible and i dont want it. i tried to get back to the point---he would not have it..started a bad thing with me..know i cant get engaged, but he pushed me and got so nasty..again with this, i dont want to be with you..that finally i said, well, maybe you should leave.

finally disclosed to my mom...right off, she said, is there someone else? i said, oh mom, i dont know anything for sure, but i have been thinking there might be something with ...and SHE FILLED IN THE NAME. she cried, said she had suspected, gave examples from his recent bday party, as had my neighbor who attended (same party,diff ex). I WAS SHOCKED, BUT VINDICATED. i am NOT crazy.

funny thing happened (anti-MB): i want him gone. it all seems so completely impossible to fix, ESP if he wont fess and ESP ESP if he doesnt want this at all. he is making me miserable..i can hardly function..and he wouldnt go with plan a when i tried (tho i admittedly didnt force)

thoughts? im feeling sick. ugh..

have you exposed this affair to friends, his/your parents, her friends and parents?

should i do that, w/o def "proof" of the ea, AND since (i believe, altho i am prob wrong like w/everything else) it is "just" an EA?

i think he will continue to adamantly deny, as he does with me.

I am actually of the opinion that proof is way over-rated. I am an action man myself. How much longer do you want this EA to develop? It will become a full PA if it isn't already.

By all means get proof but if your Mum can see it, there's something to see.

Have you had the "I love you but I'm not in love with you speech yet"?

oh YEAH..month ago..that, its not you/its me, wanna work on it (not)..but steadfastly denying, even framed in the mc office 2 d ago as "feelings for her" with me saying, i know i did not meet some ens for you..all opportunities given, with love and attempted understanding (hence my post, how do i get a confession)

i know you guys will say plan a, but my sense is a)refusal (has on not adamant request..thought you needed respect etc in that discussion, per harley) b)given the kids are friends/same school/3 min from our house..cant ever ensure..kwim? thinkin that plan b might be right? risky, scary, but not sure i have any option..esp since i am dying this way.

found cell calls before, lots of suspicious activity/behavior. not EVEN sure this is reciprocated given my discussions with ow..wouldnt disclosure be slander if wrong? also, do i email his family w/o proof..lots of our friends now know, but he doesnt know that yet.

thanks...

So now I'm confused - on the one hand you say no confession, then you say "feelings for her"? I don't understand.

So you have cell logs and suspicious activity and behaviour. Is OW also contacting him? If so, then it is recriprocated.

Exposure is to put pressure on him to end the affair. So you expose to people who can influence him to end the affair.

Nothing you do will work in any way with an ongoing affair.

I sense you are frantic and desperate here. Breathe hon. Breathe. Try and logicallly assemble what you know here. There is a carrot and a stick of plan a.

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A by Pepperband

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is where you start, not Plan B. Plan A should be short and then move on to Plan B.

alright..i am sorry to be so confusing. it was early, everybody in bed, me up all night. showered, and will explain.

about a month ago my H picked a fight after about 2-3 weeks of nastiness to me, short with kids etc..you know the behavior. it was his 35th bday--he said he had a realization, needed to grow up--didnt know if he wanted to be married, didnt know what he wanted. he isnt a talker..very independent and detached, but for sure we have grown into co-parents (3 under 6yo) despite me trying so much in the past to get us help (each time: "*I* am happy..*I* am fine...if you are not, YOU find out how to be happy"

so, he isnt a talker, but i get him to talk SOME. he says, i will go to MC with you, i dont want to separate, i want to take care of you and the kids...well, each time i talked, things sounded worse. initially i love you, became i dont love you, and the words were more and more, there is no hope, i dont WANT to work on things, i dont know what i want.

so my son started to do a sport (that my H now does for adults) in the winter..we met 3 other families with other 6yo and have gotten to be friends. one mom is a single mom, and so she is always there with her child. this is the OW. i began to get vibes about a week or so prior to his big bday outburst (been referred btw to the midlife crisis forum, and i for sure think this all plays in)..but since it has been a dad-son thing, PLUS it aint easy to take care of the 2 little ones, daddy always goes. comes back very chipper..soon becames..grumpy after being home with me. i def had the vibe..i even made a few innuendo statements along the line about him and her, with no response.

once this all comes out initially, i right away say, is there someone else? he adamantly denies..goes to shower, comes back "i put 2 and 2 together and there is nothing with me and XX" day later, big talk...sounds promising for working it out..but next night, i snoop--4 cell calls (i do know he only got her cell number the week prior..since i got it and then i watched him put it in his cell--seemed innocent, since she is my sons friends mom). the most recent cell call was for 22 min, the day AFTER we had a big talk, part of which was about her, my concerns re:her. insulting.

so i got busted the next day..his blackberry tells when people are on it..he emails me..says was i snooping/what did i find? i say, sorry..invasion i know, we should talk. he writes back..nope, what did you find and were you snooping? tell him about calls and bdays noted on bb. he writes back when asked, that they just chat, tells what they talked about (most all verified at other times since..it was just nothing talk, from what i was told/know.

she had come to our house a couple june weekend for cookouts with the kids and other parents i said..got a weird vibe ach time, tho she is very nice to me, seems normal. but these are how other people got to see them together.

so after the calls are revealed, he says i guess it isnt right..it isnt anything, she is nice, nice to chat with..we have drifted apart so (btw..i am not SUPPOSED to call or email him at work..but she can apparently)--he did admit, that at most, it was "innocent" or "harmless" flirting. ok. he tells her he cant talk (he says) which i believe since a multi family dinner planned around this sport --she now says she wont come. as an IDIOT, i call and talk to her to convince her to come..i didnt want to be wronlgy accusing or hurt her daughter and my son (who has a crush on teh daughter--like dad, like son). she comes, i have a ROCK in my stomach the whole time (were they flirting in FRONT of me??) when we leave i am STILL an idiot..from teh last cookout we have these toys she brought in the car to return..i WANT to be a big person, so send them with my son and H to her house (5min or less from us)--and i take off to the store. come home, no, RUSH home (about 25 min later)--they are NOT HOME. come home about 10-15 later, and i am livid. AFTER EVERYTHING WE TALKED ABOUT? now he is almost acting like *I* am crazy..this has been the schtick since then..i am crazy, all in my head...gettin sick of whiny wife not trusting..

so, talk to her AGAIN (after him that night)--she tells me she is a single mom, all she has is her daughter, she would be insane to hurt her by doing ANYTHING stupid..goes so far as to divulge to me (not others) tath she had her daughter by a married man..he was long distance, she didnt realize, but THAT is hwy she would NEVER do anything to hurt my family or me. she wants to do whatever i want. i say, no call, no email, no nothing. since, she calls ME for anything..and i dont know if they speak (he deletes his cell now--why would he have to do that??? but she has at least outwardly seemed like she is doing the right thing (es--invited my son for a playdate last sat..she calls, i say i will be out of town for the day..will let her know what is good for h since he has all kids alone)--she emails me first thing next am..saying, didnt realize you were going, in light of everything..lets reschedule..so sorry was teh subject line.)

so, i dont know if any of this is reciprocated at all, OR maybe on the other extreme they are physically involved. h has no sexual interest in me now (very diff from 1-2 mo ago), is kinda hostile, adn says no to workign on things. very unemotional man is choking up alot

so, what is my impression as the honest truth?/ i think he has a crush..it scares him, it entices him..he wants to be with her, maybe anybody who just makes him feel that way. 7 yrs and 3 kids later..i do not. i have tried en's but his are hard to decipher (non talker, non affectionate, doesnt like sex now, just..a ghost, and has always been real indep/walls up). maybe he is thinking he wonders if she will be ok to be with him when/if he leaves..maybe he is so afraid of leaving, leaving the kids, finances. i will say on sunday when we talked i said i was scared..scared of raising them alone, selling the house, finances...he was like..WHOA..i havent even GONE there --i was like..you havent THOUGHT about that?? no way, he says. (he has got to be joking)

so like i said, i tried steves line, but it got out of hand and i didnt handle it MB style. he was so nasty, so "i dont WANT to work out anything with you"--that i snapped and very nicely said, well hon, maybe you need to leave, and, i can help you leave if you need to. (dunno why i said that) i said i am miserable hon, i dont know how much more i can take..i am trying so hard, and i wish you wanted this for the kids..your family (threw everything steve had said...why do you think this cant work? wouldint it be ideal for us all to be happy etc etc) but no.

he was visibly upset. maybe he just wants to go, i even said..feels like you are pushing me to push YOU out--he said no. when he went to bed (very early) i said, you know hon, i am there for you if you need me, but i dont know what to do to help you..and i dont.

this is all probably very cut and dry to all of you...plan a..then plan b..etc..i know, but i dont know if i have the patience, and being the mom of 3 young kids and a professional in a pretty nice ft job..i need to be able to deal. this week..i have gotten nothing done, and lost 10lbs now total (took off 40 last year to be smaller than when we married..so about the looks thing..i am doing good, it just isnt helping).

so i messed up.

thanks for listening.