Good morning. Looking for words of wisdom here...please read. I've posted my story before, others have said to get out of the M. I still believe in my M and want to save it.
H and I met 9 years ago, married 5/18/02. I have a 12 yo D from a previous relationship – H adores my girl, the two of them have always been very close. D has visitation with bio Dad, but their relationship is strained as he did not have contact with her for several years. H and my relationship – pretty volatile – both of us stubborn and independent, both with an angry streak…but we do have a deep love for one another.
Affair #1 – August 2002 – yes, that is 3 months after we got married. OW was 20, H was 32…OW pursued H relentlessly, making her intentions clear even in front of me…H denied anything for awhile but the s%it hit the fan in Sept and I knew he was having an A– I asked H to leave our home and he did for 3 months. Continued A because OW lived closer to his parents where he was staying (WISH I had discovered MB then!). H back in home by Dec – we go on belated honeymoon – come back to false NC, he continues A until Feb, then finally NC established. OW ends up marrying her cousin in order to stay in the country; now has a child.
I did IC for awhile, we did MC for awhile, then it just tapered off and we stopped. I never got over A#1 – never forgave H. Instead I wallowed in the pain and betrayal and became very bitter and angry. To make matters worse, I ramped up an already questionable drinking issue….i wanted to be numb, and drinking sure helped that. H gave up going out except with me and D, he gave me all access to passwords, emails, cell phones. I never let it go – three years after D day I was still bringing it up, still bitter, still drinking.
Fast forward to A#2. May 2006 H has to go out of the country to train employees for 2 weeks. We’ve been slogging along in our marriage, neither of us particularly happy, but neither of us changing anything either. Even so, H is quite emotional about leaving us, as am I. We talk every day during the 2 weeks, he emails many times during the day; always I love you and miss you. We have one tiff when I call the night before he is to return and he is at a bar with his co-workers and he is short with me, asks if we can just talk the next day. He calls the next morning and apologizes for that.
H returns from the trip 6/4/06 – D and I are not home when he gets there. When we return, H gives me a small hug and a peck on the lips…this after 2 weeks away. My stomach lurches but I say nothing…until the next day when I attempt to be affectionate again and H pulls away, then says ‘we need to talk later’. So….later comes and it all comes out….H has met someone on his trip. He has known OW for one week – I get ALL the typical WS blabber…I don’t need to re-hash that with you guys.
For the first week I LB all over the place - - crying, begging, angry, etc. H says he wants a D, he thinks we will both be better off, I should find someone else too, blah blah.
I exposed to mutual friends, not family yet – there are just too many things going on with family to expose this now.
Friends have told H he is ‘crazy’, 2 won’t return his calls, H still so in the fog that this isn’t registering at all.
A month after he returns from the trip H tells me he loves OW. H has not said I love you to me since D-day. However…H is still affectionate - hugs, still a kiss goodbye every morning, still calling me ‘honey’…that kind of stuff. H loves backrubs and asks for one every night…but that is the extent of our touching. No SF since DDay; I want to initiate but fear rejection.
H is still at home but also still in contact with OW daily via phone and txt messages. H has not spoken about divorce in weeks though….put his wedding ring back on after having it off for awhile…H has been talking about the future with us, not OW.
I have been plan A-ing pretty well lately – my main LB’s have been 2 times when I have been drinking and angry..but other than that I have not touched alcohol in more than 2 weeks – for me this is a big deal. I have lost 20+ pounds and look and feel better than I have in years- H notices and tells me this, said this morning I looked good.
The big issue for me right now is about enforcing NC with OW – I have asked, H says he will stop talking to OW when he sees I have ‘changed’ (meaning the drinking and the anger in particular). I think he is stringing both of us along, IMHO. I have changed a lot (Thank you Plan A!) and H knows this…I think he is getting off on fence-sitting; enjoying his ‘new’ wife but keeping the OW too.
H says ‘just a couple of weeks’ then he will tell OW he can’t talk to her anymore. That was a week ago. I don’t know what to do – give an ultimatum date?? We are taking a wonderful family vacation later in Aug and I do not want OW a part of that…do I use that as a factor – if you have not established NC then you cannot come with us on vacation? I don’t know….
To add to this post, last night he turned to me in bed and said ‘I don’t know what to do’. I fumbled a bit with my answer – what, he wants advice from me re: OW?
My response went something like this: “I can’t answer that for you. I wish I could tell you something that would make you say ‘great, now I know what to do’ but I can’t. What I can tell you is that I believe in you and I believe in our marriage…and I think you know how much I love you.’
I asked if he wanted a D and he said no…I left it at that, didn’t want to LB. Did I handle this the right way? When he initiates and wants to talk about things I get really nervous about saying the wrong things, not saying enough (or too much!) etc. How do you deal with this?
So there you have it – I tried to be short but wasn’t, sorry! Any advice, suggestions, etc, will be very much appreciated!
