My H had an EA that ended about 2 months ago and we have had a very difficult time even starting to recover. My H has always had this unshakable belief that we were meant to be together. But recently he told me that he is having doubts as to whether that is true anymore. We have been toying with the idea of divorce and I think the only reason we haven't actually gone through it is that were both scared. Him of being alone and me of letting him go. He refuses to make a committment to our marriage saying he has laready made enough committments that he didn't follow through on. Which I understand but I can't even comprehend how to work on our marriage knowing that he doesn't believe in us and that because of that he refuses to make a committment to me and our marriage. Let alone our three children we already have and the one that's due any day now. He keeps acting like nothing is wrong and nothing has changed but it has and it's killing me. i guess I just never expected we would end up like this. I just don't know what to do. He seems to want me to not do anything until he decides whether or not he has faith in our marriage or not. But if he doesn't then I'll be right back here in a very short time and how can I move forward with the knowledge that he could decide we truly aren't meant for eachother.


Please Help!!
Mellysue

Are you sure the affair is ended and there is no contact?

The affair is over. She just transferred and he has not called her in two months. They continued to work together but things between them ended on a very sour note so it's been strained.

So how long has there been no contact at all?

Her last day was the 16th so not long at all

He's still in withdrawal...Give him time to fully withdraw before making any major decisions...Withdrawal is H E L L!!! I'm so sorry this is going on during your pregnancy or at all for that matter!!!

((((mellysue))))

Mrs. W

How long does this take? And why does it have anything to do with whether or not were supposed to be together? While she was still there he still has faith in our marriage.

He MUST fully withdraw from OW...Recovery does NOT begin until withdrawal ends...No matter what he says...An addict is an addict...And while she was still there, be it negative or positive contact, there was still contact and thus he was still getting his OW fix and therefore unable to withdraw...

How long was the affair?

Mrs. W

MrsW is right - in withdrawal. It will probably take a couple of months. Hang in there. Things will get better.

While he is deciding to committ (this seems like a very woossy way to be to me, ""I won't committ to the marriage cause I can't committ to anything"" ""poor little pitiful me" - reveling in his misery)...

YOU, being pregnent and everything, MUST do the best plan A possible in your sitch. IF you want to keep this little woossy boy around! He must realize you are the best thing in his woossy pitiful life.

""He seems to want me to not do anything until he decides whether or not he has faith in our marriage or not."" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> GGRRRRrrrrr!!

You should give him a drop dead time.

krk

Thank you all for your wonderful advice-it is so helpful right now! My H has decided that he is going to get an apartment. I guess my only alternativ is to let him go. I can't imagine we'll ever recover from this being that it is such an emotional time anyway. Since I am pregnant I will likely be even more hurt than I normally would. I just had kept on hoping but I guess that's been a fruitless effort. But any ideas as to best handle the 3 kids that I already have? My H thinks that he's pretty much going to get his apartment and spend most of his time here. So in essence he gets everything he wants-his own apartment and a life as husband and father. Things are so messed up but I have to keep my eye on the ball I guess. Still I need the best possible outcome and easiest transition for my kids. Any suggestions?


Mellysue

Gather your family close right now..

make plans for THEM to assist you post birth...

seek out a lawyer for seperation agreements that assure your financial stability...

tell him you DO NOT WANT him to move out
tell him you DO NOT WANT a divorce...

and can not at this time assist or support him in this..

also tell him very very calmly...that you are very dissapointed in his timing of teaching the older children that grownups can just abandon each other especially at a time when they are most vulnerable...

and that he will is begining to take the children down a path in which nothing in their world that used to stand for stability and safety does so anymore...

that his plan to lay extra burdon on to you and the children post delivery is a very very poor choice...

and he is laying the ground work for the children to never ever see him as the same man....

tell him these things..
unemotionally
factually

without name calling...

it is the truth of the bigger picture of the his choice...
do you have family close ...

ARK

Marriage counseling?

I can only say what I did when my W said she was moving out. I told her thatI would be working on myself regardless. I told her that she of course had control of whether or not she stayed, but that I sincerely hoped that she would decide to stay. I asked her to help me to understand what I was not giving her that was making her unhappy. Luckily, she told me and I said, "You got it," and started giving her what she needed. It took time, but she chose to stay. We grew up a lot and have built a truly wonderful marriage, despite her EA 7 years ago, and despite my PA 2 years ago.

So, my advice is, take control of yourself, you cannot control him. Tell him what you wish would happen, but don't accuse, don't fight, just state the facts about yourself. Let him know that it is safe to stay and that if he does, you can both work on things together.

One other thought, he may be scared about what is going to happen after the baby is born. Babies are an enormous amount of work. You know this as their mother. A lot of guys don't realize this when they become fathers and are blown away at how their lives have changed. Both of you are still adults and have needs that are not child-focused. You need to commit to having regularly scheduled time to do things you want to do without having to drop everything to make a PB&J, and you need regularly scheduled time alone with just the two of you. List out all the reasons why you can't, and change the things that prevent you from doing this.

He needs down time. You need down time. You need time together to enjoy each other's company. Your kids need you to do this.

Please, please ask your husband to start a discussion thread here. I have been on both sides of what he is going through and maybe I can help. If he just needs someone to listen that is objective, I am here for him. He can send me a private message on this board if he prefers. I am offering to listen to him and to be understanding, and perhaps offer some advice.

I hope this helps, you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Can you (as a couple) afford to support 2 separate households ~and still~ take excellent care of the 3 kids you already have?

Are the 3 kids his?

How is WH planning to do this, financially?

Do you normally live paycheck-to-paycheck?

Pep

Inability to express commitment or even say "I love you" is a normal (and common) part of withdrawal.

They're not even sure they understand the concepts at this point. They feel guilty that they were able to violate their commitments. They have broken their own "self trust".

I'm not sure why he would be moving out at this point. Another common mindset is that the affair has caused too much damage so we might as well move on. The feeling of shame is very intense when he is around you and the kids...there is a desire to escape it. There is a fear that you and the kids really hate him after what he did and that you really don't want him there. It's all very confusing for him at this point.

While it's hard to do at this point, encourage him to stay home while he works through this. Explain that, despite everything, you and kids need him, want him and love him. Let him know that YOU want him by your side when the child is born. Make home a welcoming and safe place right now. A cruel irony is that, at this stage, he is unable to do the work of recovery - he's still trying to come to grips with what he did. It will fall on you to hold things together during this withdrawal stage.

He should seek IC to help him through it. Give him at least 3 months (with IC) to work through this. If there is no improvement after that, then re-evaluate your options.

DO NOT take action to cut him out of your life right now! That would only re-inforce what he fears deep down and confirm that leaving you alone is the best thing (it's not).

Ark...given the mindset of one in withdrawal, reminding one of their responsibilities is not a productive tack...

Here's why:

"I've already dropped the balled. I'm not worthy of my wife and family. I've proven that I'm not capable of being a good father and husband. They will be better off without me. Responsibilities? I'm not even sure I know what that is...just sounds like more ways for me to hurt them...they will be better off without me..."

Yes, it sounds like he's feeling sorry for himself...but it is what it is...and he has to work through it.

It takes a while before a repentant WS is ready to resume their position in the family with any measure of joy. They have to learn to believe in themselves again. In short, they have to forgive themselves.

I have a very small family and I have made some arrangements to have them around. The problem is that I have not yet told them how bad things are between my H and I yet. I am in IC and am not supposed to lean on my mom right now but she is the only one available. Friends are pitching in as well but I feel like I'm asking too much of them. They have lives too. And they are trying to do what they can. My H knows that while I do not want divorce I also can not go on without at the very least a willingness to change. Is that wrong?


Mellysue

low....

I agree that might sound and be taken as you are bad bad bad......and it's not my most favorite speach to give...

BUT

I just can't LESSEN the blow to children that abandoning for them an apartment ...

there's a right way to leave and a wrong...
sorry but I believe that....

and days from delivery is NOT the time......

it will have a greater profound effect on recovery...

and a WS willing to do it at THAT time.....

doesn't bode well for recovery

I have no interest in the WS joy in doing for the family...

I believe it's duty INSPITE of his feelings right now...

I think the other kids will be greatly affected by a new baby let alone a dad in an apartment....

condoning their abandonment of their responsiblities...

lessening the blow and reality...

not a any day delivering a baby BS job in my opinion....

I am a huge advocate that women are strong and capable...but doing this to a woman ready to deliver...
AND
having three children at home ....

pretty poor timeing in my opinion.....
and doesn't garner much sympathy from me....

whose gonna run out in the middle of night of milicon...and diaper rash ointment...etc...

just sad...to think of new mom abandoned...
sad
up all night..
up all day...

I don't have much coddling left in me for that...

ARKie
low....is it winter where you are...????

Yes it is futile to expect him to want to change right now...

it undermines your marriage...

you want your marriage to survive...work from that module....

demanding him to want...will not work...

also....................................

no marriage problem ever gets better running and or turning away from the issues.....

doesn't work

never has
never will


ARK

what you do..

is you read
and learn about plan A
then you execute plan A


and in plan A you give up ALL expectations.....

ARK