My H has said all of this to an extent. He refuses to make a committment because he says he'll just break it. He says he doesn't want to hurt me anymore. But he's also said that it's also better for him. I have made it very clear that I want us to work but he only hears that I don't want him here. Even in the midst of his EA he was still adamant that we belonged together but now he says otherwise. That him, me and the kids are better this way. After his EA he vowed to go to MC and/or IC but after going once never went again. That was 3 months ago. He says he's willing to go to counseling but also that he won't go after he moves out. The fact is that I will be the one left to deal with the wreckage. My kids will be destroyed and I've told him that but it has no effect. As he isn't that close to them anyway. This seems like an awfully manipulative tactic on his part. He is very firm on his decision to leave but yet wants to hold and comfort me when I cry. If he wants to go is there really anything I can do? I've asked him to stay, told him I needed him here and that only seems to make him mad. Recently, after his EA ended, his family who we don't speak to re-entered our lives and he just replayed the story from his EA but with different characters. I want him to have his family in his life but he wants everything to be seperate. What efffects him does not effect me and vice versa. His mind appears made up and my crying makes him feel guilty but I don't want him here out of guilt. Is that wrong?


Mellysue

Things will very tight for the kids and me. We don't neccessarily live paycheck to paycheck but close enough. The kids and I will probably have to give up quite a few things for this to happen not to mention being that my c-section is scheduled for July 31 we also then have those bills. i am a stay at home mom and I fear that will have to change.

Melly

Right now I am so hurt and so angry at him that I fear I will end up being the one that refuses to work on our marriage. I am so worried about the kids and what they will be losing in the whole situation. Bringing home a new baby is scary enough for us all. This decision could not have worse timing. He says this is what his heart tells him to do and how do I argue with that. I love him but I never imagined he could be so cruel. His parents were divorced and it completely devastated his childhood. I am just so floored by his decision. It seems that the only thing I can do is atleast get the advice of an attorney. But do I do that in secret or let him know. I have no other choice at this point than to look out for my children and myself. Especially being that I am so vulnerable right now. I am having a c-section next Monday at the latest and have got to make arrangments as I won't be able to climb the stairs or lift anything over 10 lbs. and a 9, 4 and 2 yr old that will not be easy. Do I just let him do as he plans and allow him to come and go as he pleases and pretend nothing has changed as he still wants to be affectionate and still declares his love for me?If he follows through with this shouldn't there be some guidelines? Like he made his bed now he needs to lie in it?


Melly

In that case ... get an attorney and make certain YOUR CHILDREN will not go without because your WH chooses to move out .... get a child & spousal support order going ~~~> NOW!

tell attorney you are preggers and will soon be confined & will need your H"s full financial support

that blast'o'reality might slow his departure a little .... he cannot afford to move out! Not really.

Pep

I want to thank everyone again for their advice it is so helpful right now. I am so distraught and your insights help so much. Thank you

Melly

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A


The carrot of Plan A

Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.


The stick of Plan A

Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

if you don't understand this ... ask questions!

Pep

Don't only do the carrot .... the stick is vital .... your adulterous spouse must feel the consequences of his decisions do not benifit HIM ... but that remaining married to you does benifit him ...


You cannot anticipate his being able to "think" his way out of this .... he cannot think

he can only feel right now

Pep

I did try all of these things for 9 months. I followed all the recommendations in Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. But it doesn't seem to help. Is it possible that he's just made up his mind or are there alternatives. My H only hears that I want a divorce or would be better off without him even when I tell him point blank that I don't want a divorce and want him here. Nothing I've said or done seems to have gotten through to him. I sometimes get the feeling that he's looking for me to cry. But this has been a very emotional year-I miscarried, his EA, this pregnancy. I've asked him to just not let go atleast not yet, I've painted him pictures of our past and our future. What else can I do?


Melly

As you've been advised, you can and should protect your family.



Something does not sound right with this. Two possibilities...1) he may feel like you are trying to use him like a meal ticket...not that you really want him there or 2) The affair is still on or he wants the opportunity to revive it.

Are you SURE the affair is over?



While guilt is certainly not a thing to build a recovery on, it's certainly good enough to keep a spouse in withdrawal at home until he's through it.

Initially, it doesn't matter why he stays...just as long as he does.

Like Pep says...he's not thinking...only feeling. This would change after a couple of months of withdrawal...

Assuming he's really in withdrawal...

Are your actions and general treatment of him consistent with what you are saying? Do you tell him you want him there in one breath and then love bust in another?

Have you asked him what it will take to make the relationship one he would want to stay in?

The idea is to keep him engaged...make "home" attractive.

This will be hard.
It's certainly not fair that he was the one who cheated but you have to do this...but, if the affair is over, he'll come to a point where he'll be ready to face what he has done and work through it. He's not there yet. Running seems easier.

I check his cell phone regularly and there are no calls to or from the OW but just before she transferred something about the way he spoke about her changed. He says that he still did not talk to her but sometimes he would cross the line and speak to her about her personal matters. He now says that he still wants nothing to do with her but that he wishes her well. I guess maybe I was hoping for a little more indifference. Maybe mad is the wrong word-maybe is frustrated.

Thanks
Melly

Honestly I probably slip on occasion. I tell him I want him here but after hearing him tell me there is somebody better suited for him out there I probably do love bust. He claims there is nothing left to be done. And I am 1 week from a c-section and highly emotional. And I don't think it has much to do with the pregnancy. I'm worried this will completely ruin the birth of this baby and overshadow the joy we should be feeling. His EA started shortly before I got pregnant so my entire pregnancy has been tainted by this. When does it come time for him to step up and take responsibility. He says he's willing to go to therapy for me which is something but he's not willing to fight for us because if our marriage was meant to last it wouldn't require this much work.

Melly

You may never get this. Can you live with this? He will never feel the way you do about her.

First of all...all things in due time. He's not ready to resume responsibility yet...it will come.

Second, listen to what he's really telling you...He WILL go to therapy with you...he WILL stay engaged with you. He's giving both of you time to work through this (although he may not admit it yet). This a good thing...go with it.

Is it possible for you to focus on the joy of having a baby right now? Push any thought of a dissolving marriage aside?
Let your joy over your child infect your H? Tell him how much you love him for the wonderful gift of this child. Build him up.

Is he willing to forego an apartment for an "in house" separation (him on the couch)? Keeping him home give you opportunities to make love bank deposits.

Let me clarify-he says he's willing to go to therapy. We started with him alone then one with me alone and the therapist thinks that right now it would be most beneficial to have my H go alone as I am already in IC. The thing is he doesn't actually go to the sessions. He makes the appt and then cancels at the last minute. The therapist and I believe he is making is appts. at times he knows he will be unable to make it. For example I have a Dr appt for the baby every Monday at 1:30. This has been made very routine because his work schedule is difficult to work around. Also because this made it impossible for him to blow them off which is what he usually did. He told me he'd make an appt for IC several times but never followed through so my therapist suggested I ask for a deadline. He agreed to a date but made it for Monday at 2:00 knowing about my appt therefore ended up having to cancel and knowing that I couldn't objuect so to speak. So is he really willing to go to therapy? My H has routinely slept on the couch until very recently so I'm not sure he'd go for that.
Again I have to tell you how helpful you've been. Today has been a bad day.

Melly