My H and I have been toying with divorce for awhile after his EA and now he has told me he has doubts as to whether or not were meant to be. Does this mean it's time to let go? He has always been such a believer in us that this has shaken me to the core. Now I can't imagine us moving forward together. It seems that I will be hurting either way. How do you know when you've done everything you can. It all seems so scarry and painful. After his EA I was devastated and now it's worse. Then there's the 3 children we have and the one that is due any day. What do we tell them and help them adjust too?


Please Help!!
Mellysue

Mellysue, I'm sorry I don't have any good advice for you, but just wanted you to know that someone is concerned for you, and maybe by bumping this up, you'll get some knowledgable responses.

Rose Red

My H has been deliberating for about 2-3 weeks now and I don't think I can take being in limbo anymore. I have 3 children and I'm scheduled for a c-section on Monday for our 4th. I can't just sit here and wait for him to drop the ax. I want our marriage to work but I am drowning in his inability to commit one way or another. I have no idea where to go from here-I'm a stay at home mom and this is going to cost my children their extracurricular activities among other things. We will be living penny to penny. Do I contact a lawyer now or just keep waiting? Is it easier just to do it than to sit in suspence. If he was willing to work on our marriage atleast then I'd have something but he isn't. So what now?


Mellysue

Contact a lawyer now.

I agree, contact your lawyer, knowing your options - regardless of what you decide to do - is a good thing.

How much reading have you done here? Have you and your husband been in counseling, individually or as a couple? Are both of you throwing in the towel prematurely?

Not to discount all the other sad issues around a D, but I just cannot conceive, even imagine, choosing to leave a wife when she is pregnant with my child. And just days from delivering....? Wow, I just can't even imagine how a guy could do that and be able to live with his conscious.

MellySue, I hope you check here before you go in. I wish you the absolute best delivery. First off, call your lawyer if will make you feel more in control. Second, unless your lawyer feels you need to act immediately to protect yourself, go ahead and table this for a couple of weeks, if you can. Third, don't be afraid of the finances. You may be better than you think. Also, you may want to think what YOU need in order to stay in this marriage. When your husband sees the new baby and computes what will happen to his standard of living when he has to support 4 children in a house, and doesn't have a wife at home to take care of him and his stuff while he's at work, he may change his mind.

Let us know how the delivery goes and how you are doing. We'll be praying for you.

Thank you all for your support. It's ironic how strangers can be so suppoertive and concerned and my own H can't find it within himself to do the same. I tried again to tell my husband what a mistake this is-without begging. But he'll hear none of it. I am in IC and we tried MC but my H refuses to continue (we only got through the initial individual sessions). I have been doing my therapy for a little over a year. The C believed that my H would not go through with it as he doesn't really but into therapy. He believes that if marriage doesn't come easy then it wasn't meant to be. I have my mom looking into a lawyer-she has a lot of caontacts in that area. Especially since my H believes that he should not have to go without. And that if I want more than he's willing to give then I should go back to work. So in turn not only are the kids losing their father but they will also have to give up the lives they're used to. All while adjusting to their new sibling. He's moving out two days after I get home. But he says he'll stay for a little while as long as he doesn't have to commit. He acts like we'll still be us except we'll live in seperate places that doing this won't change how the kids and I feel about him but it will. As my C pointed out his decision to do this now will make it almost impossible to work on our marriage let alone repair it. He's always been terrible when I was pregnant but this time is so much worse. I want our marriage to work but not at the expense of my emotional health and it feels like that is what I'd be doing if I allowed him to pretend everything is okay and then crush my hopes. He still tries to be affectionate and I keep giving in and then everything is always the same. I am scheduled for my c-section at 7:30 on Monday morning and having him there and no one else is going to be so hard. We are supposed to be happy and enjoying this time but instead he's moving out thinking he'll be able to come back.

Mellysue

Hello. I'm new to this forum and have been reading this websites information religiously for the last few days. MellySue, My heart breaks for you. I too am in the same boat..except I'm not pregnant..but my H asked me for a divorce today (over the telephone no less!) and told me that he hasn't loved me for quite sometime and lately has been "forcing" himself to love me. We've been having trouble for over a year now. He's been having an "emotional" affair for about 2 years. We tried to work through all of that together, but he still swears that its my fault that pushed him into the affair. After our precious son was born 3 years ago, he says I started to neglete him and push him away emotionally...which I JUST don't see at all!! Anyway, I've begged, pleaded for him to go to marriage counseling with me, but he says that he doesn't want to because it would be giving my "my way". He won't even do it for our son...which hurts me more than anything. So, I understand what emotions your having to deal with..Your H not wanting to do anything to save the marriage, especially for the sake and wellbeing of his children. That he's too self-centered and not concerned about those around him that will be directly affected by his actions. I've been a SAHM since my son was born and now am faced with having to move, get a job, find a home for my son and I..oh and try to potty train him at the same time!! LOL I'm confused as you are as to take him back...part of me does and part of me doesn't...I'm just taking it a day at a time. OH...and the real buster in all of this...I just lost my father,60, unexpectly to a massive heartattack 3 months ago...The fact that my H is asking me for all of this now, is enough for me to want to get him out of my life!! Enjoy your baby, MellySue. Relish in the fact that the little miracle you hold in your arms is precious and sweet. Just like all your children are. I know its going to be hard and I hope your H comes around and see's what precious things he's willing to give up. Best of Luck to you on Monday.

My WH had to come home early on Thursday to be w/his dying mother. I surprised him at the airport. But I was the one who was surprised. He was not wearing his wedding ring. He gave me some bulls*** answer, but managed to tell me she saw the OW coincidentally at the airport. I cried. I knew better.

He spent that day at his mother's bedside while I was at home crying my heart and soul. I drank to numb the pain. That didn't help. I called my mother an ocean away whom I love a great deal albeit our oil and water relationship. I cried for the first time and she listened for the first time. She never knew the whole story. We talked for an hour.

While my WH held his dying mom's hand, I reestablished a profound appreciation for my own mother. While I've been rejected by my WH's family, I now value my family much more. I have tried for all the years we were together to get his family closer by initiating get togethers, their gratitude was lacking. It was always a one way street. The only times they get together is on national holidays and I've always been the one who did the planning. Neither my WH sibblings who are in their late 30s are gainly employed. One lives slightly above a homeless person in a shipping container while the other lived off of their mother.

After throwing up, I looked at myself in the mirror, and from that moment on, I decided, I was done. I picked up the phone and called my D attorney. I've decided that I'd rather be alone than be misearbly married to someone whom I have lost complete trust and respect.

Yes, we have gone to MC. He's gone to IC. I've read articles on MB. We went to counseling prior to our M. Every MC we've gone to advised he needed to make adjustments REGARDLESS who he was with. The issues go much deeper than his cheating. I no longer have the tenacity, love and patience left for him to wait for him to figure out his life. And in doing so, he continues to live in lies.

Yesterday morning, I said to him: "The day you decided to have the A, you have paved the direction of where our marriage was going to go. The DAYS you were creating and living your A, were days you spent destroying this marriage. The day you said you were sorry and asked for my forgiveness and I did, but you quickly turned around and lied again was the day you knocked the foundation of this marriage. And the day you took your ring off, you DECIDED FOR US that this marriage was over. So now, you have finally completed the destruction of this marriage."

He could only sob. And it was the same sound, same sob, same remorse on his face , same words of apology as briliantly performed on the same day he confessed his A. But this time, I didn't cry as I did back then. I could only watch him for a moment in silence. I couldn't immediately go to him and give him comfort. I had to force myself to think that he was crying for his dying MOM whom after I had just spent Tuesday massaging her to help her blood circulation and who also quickly rejected me the next day, to get me to hold him. I looked at him with pity, not love. I knew then that I could never love this man again, the way a wife would for her husband. This was the beginning of my healing process.

H spent last night at the hospice w/his sister waiting for death to take their Mom. Their Mother has so much bitterness in her heart that she hasn't forgiven me for eloping with her son, although it was her son's choice. But I'm over it because she hasn't forgiven her other son for doing her wrong and wishes to not see him even in her last breath. To this day in her last hour, despite the advise of her minister and hospice nurse to see her other son and put some closure, my BIL doesn't know that his Mom is dying and my WH and SIL will carry her wish. THIS is the family I was married to and am leaving behind...with no regrets.

BS Me 46
WH 42
EA/PA 2 yrs w/a previous co-worker
D-Day 2/1/06 OW threatened she would come over to our home if he didn't leave me for her. Kicked him out that night
Plan A 2/14/06
Blan B 3/6/06
MC 2/18 - current
4/21 WH moves back home, and booked us a cruise to Mexico
7/28 I'm DONE

Now, just because one spouse wants a divorce, it doesn't mean the marriage is doomed.

For those of you who are new and hoping there is a chance to save your marriage, I suggest you post on General Questions or Just Found out and on Emotional Needs. There is more activity on those boards and you may get more help - especially if you are dealing with EAs or PAs.

As this post asks, "how do you know?"

When you can look at the marriage, your spouse, and divorce WITHOUT any regrets, you know the time has come to let go and move on.

When you look at your WS with pity and not love, you know the time has come to move on.

When you feel "empowered" to say to yourself that you have done your best, and be able to look back with no more tears to shed, you know the time has come to let go and move on.

When you feel a rush of relief as if a huge burden has just been lifted when you make the decision to let go, you know the time has come to move on.

When you feel that staying in a marriage where you have been stomped on, demoralized, humiliated will cause you ongoing self-doubt and at the same have the ability to envision a more nurturing life without your WS, YOU KNOW the time has arrived to move on.

It's as much a gut feeling as your higher power telling you to move on. You just know.

Melly Sue - I had three C-sections. The day my first son was born, I labored for more than 24 hours and they finally took him around 4:00 PM. By 6, my STBX said he was going out with his family to celebrate! Didn't stay w/me, even though I was swollen (down there), sore, tired, exhausted and exhilirated. That was 21 years ago last Tuesday. By the third, the day I came home from the hospital after dinner, he got up and said he had to go to a class! I asked him how come he can't skip it - he said his company paid for it and he had to miss last week because of the deliver! (class started at 7 - BS!).
Anyway, I just sat and cried - recovering from surgery and left home alone with a 2 and 4 year old. I asked him how come he didn't get anyone in here to help me - His mom and his sister both lived within three blocks of us. He just said he was sorry and walked out the door.

I had a 24 year marriage (anniv is 8/7) and finally made the decision to end it last week. It's just been too hard. It's been a lifetime of stories - You sound like a strong woman - YOU WILL SURVIVE THIS. I hope you have many friends and loved ones to lean on. Call them - enlist them - tell them what you need. This world should be all about helping each other.

I wish you a wonderful delivery, if you're reading tonight. Smell that baby's neck as soon as you can. Newborns have no bacteria on them, there is no other smell in the world!

Many hugs to you and your children!

-TT