If you are someone who has been on MB for more than six months, please tell me ONE thing that you were absolutely certain of when you first came to MB which you no longer hold as "the absolute truth."

And please discuss how your change of heart / mind took place.











Disclaimer: If you find these questions or my very existence on the MB board to be offensive and / or carcinogenic, please exit this thread now.

I was certain I would not have to quit my job.

wrong. I had an affair with someone I worked with, so I had to quit.

NC is the single biggest step you MUST make to even have a chance.

That is something I thought before I learned.

OK-This is a good one Patriot. Thanks!


My current belief re/ No Contact is this: Once the affair is over, it should be o-v-e-r.

My thinking is that the WS would have the personal strength and moral character to cease, desist, and resist..but lot's of folks here (and the good Dr. H) think otherwise.

Q: Did you have to quit becasue the affair was made public or did you quit to prevent the temptation?

I will agree that once the affair is over it should stay over. I will add that it needs to get over, if it is not, as soon as possible

Now, I am curious how what you said is different from common belief here. I think it IS thought around here that the WS should regain and continue the personal courage and moral character to stop, stay away and never return to the affair partner. So how do Dr H and others here differ from this idea?

My affair ended because I got caught. So I guess made public. Honestly, I am so glad I am not in that lifestyle anymore. What a burden. Of course... it isn't pretty afterwards.. but at least now I have an honorable existance

that I can deal with.

Well, I thought that I should not embarrass my WS by telling anybody that he cheated. I thought my family would always treat him differently and make him uncomfortable, and that this would have a negative impact on our marriage.

I also thought that people who think less of me, for some stupid reason...

The truth is that I should have EXPOSED to our closest friends, his family, and my family.

Problem was that it happened years before I found MB, so I never really knew what to do. I did almost everything the wrong way, and so did he. But, somehow, we're still married, probably because I did eventually find MB.

From what I understand (and lease correct me if I am off base) NC means that the WS is to have no contact with the OW / OM. Some folks even talked about moving to avoid contact.

This communicates to me that self control may be an issue with a WS. Is that the case?

I believe that once a person acknowledges that the affair was wrong, seeing the person @ work or @ the market should make no difference...

Another excellent one, Lady Clueless!

You know, prior to seeing this web site, the tactic of dealing with an affair by revealing it to friends & family would have never occured to me...

I see

think addict. You don't put an alcoholic back in the bar and expect them to be perfect. Something along those lines

the best protection of a marraige ofter betrayal is total removal of the affair partner

just like the best way to help the crack addict is to NEVER let them near a crack house anymore

does that make sense?

it could be possible that a WS could exhibit self-control..but that is playing with fire

and betrayed folks need something they can trust, because the affair probably happened without them knowing for a while... so they don't trust much

Hi CS.

I read your disclaimer and am still here. I didn't like what happened on the other thread, but a little bickering won't kill me.

In response to your question about NC. The fact is that an A is an addiction. Evidence shows that the feeling that we call "in love" is a chemical reaction in the brain similar to that which happens when a person takes drugs.

An admitted alchoholic knows the affect of the drug on their mind and body and knows that they cannot have any alchahol or the affects may be too strong for their willpower. They know it hurts them, but once they get the feeling, it is hard to stop. They justify... one drink won't hurt.

After having an A, when contact is made (depending on how the A ended), the memory of the "in love" feeling may return and if the situation is right (or wrong), the chance of the A starting up is there. They know it was wrong, they felt the pain after, but sometimes the physical feeling is just to strong to stop. Justification happens all over again. This does not mean that any contact will result in another A... just that the risk is greater than just meeting any other person of the opposite sex. NC is a preventative measure... like not taking any drinks for an alchaholic.

You talk about moral character... most people who enter into A's in the first place had moral character. Something happens to them... a breakdown of boundaries (got that one from Mrs. W) until their belief system is temporarily or permanently changed. The same can happen again if the physical and emotional pull is strong enough.

Shaden

I get it...Thanks!

This is a very good illustration as well.

I think that you & Patriot have made things alot more clear for me about this.

You can't look @ a WS and say, "You know what you did was wrong-just control yourself." It doesn't work that way.

Now I think that there is something to the NC thing.

Thanks!

We did this. An affair is like an addiction. My wife cannot bear the emotional cost TO HER of continued contact with her Affair Partner.

It is a basic cornerstone of marital recovery after an affair. There is no recovery if there is continued contact because of the addictive nature of affairs.

I was certain that MB taught me not to Love Bust and that it would speed up my healing.

My FWW went to her first work function in over two years this week. When she called me because she wanted permission to stay later I became angry and LB'd. Not because she went but because she truly feels as if I am controlling her with my boundaries regarding socialization at work. It turned ugly quickly because I was very clear and honest but not gently. I DJ'd and LB'd when she went right telling me how one sided the bondaries are...

so what I am saying is the struggle continues....we 're committed but it never just goes away...

I was absolutely certain that marrigebuilders was just another set of mind wanking pop psych for middle class Americans when I first came here, and only followed it because I had no other plan.

I am now utterly disabused of that. I now believe Harley's principles of marrigebuilding should be taught in college.

It works.

BP,
Absolutely but why wait for college? Studies show the earlier you introduce a philosophy or principle the more it becomes a part of lifestyle that is why healthy eating and exercise should be more intensive in preschool, and early elementary school to combat our nations obesity, diabetic, heart disease epidemics.

The same would hold true with the institute of marriage and what it is built on...for example honesty and integrity. While generations ago this was taught in the home, society has changed drastically and children are not consistently taught these basic morals and princicples. Children may hear some of it but what they see is not consistent with what they hear, even the music, videos etc.

Some would argue that it is the parents responsibility (which of course it is) and that public schools should not be raising children but educating...however taking small steps like breaking down and simplifying the MB principles for kids, HS and college would most likely produce at least a generation that is able to face and handle conflict as well as problem solve in respectful and nonviolent manners.

The gov is funding so many Marriage Ed programs and initiatives for communities and special interest groups, however if it became a part of our public ed system it would have a much greater impact and cover a broader range. JMHO

BK,
I agree but have a question myself. We know that an A has nothing really to do with the A partner...just happens to be at the right place at the right time meeting the right needs. If the WS/addict has a truly addictive nature and you remove the crack, what keeps them from just choosing another substance?

What if it doesn't matter who the OP is, just has to find a new OP to give them that high...mostly EA to do this...so NC is not as much an issue since addict discards when bored and finds a new and more powerful substance...

I'm guessing major rehab to learn how to live around the constant temptations???

Send me, can you explain why you became angry one more time? You say your wife called for "permission" to stay later?

Also, what is "LJ"?

Interesting....

2 much, you say that the institute of marriage was built on certain principles such as honesty and integrity, but historically speaking it was built on the transference of property and they idea that women themselves were property.

Truthfully, I don't think people have changed all that much...I think that women, for the most part, simply kept quiet about things that they were unhappy with. They had few options & learned to tolerate alot...I also think that people were simply more committed to & better at keeping secrets.

And divorce was a dirty word...



Check THIS out--->


[color:"blue"]
The Good Wife's Guide
Housekeeping Monthly - May 13, 1955

Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have be thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favourite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.

Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.

Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.

Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. Run a dustcloth over the tables.

Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.

Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Encourage the children to be quiet.

Be happy to see him.

Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.

Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first - remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.

Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax.

Your goal: To try and make sure your home is a place of peace, order, and tranquillity where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.

Don't greet him with complaints and problems.

Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.

Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.

Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.

A good wife always knows her place.

[/color]

I had the same question, but perhaps the answer is this: Repairing the relationship & getting their needs met should reduce the liklihood of another affair...unless the affair was based in part upon the WS's alleged "need" for a variety of sex partners.

It used to be that people expected men to sleep around (in some circles & societies this is still true) because people say men are "wired" that way.

There have been countless studies on the question "Is monogamy natural?"...The current line is that monogamy is "natural" for women but not for men.

Sigh....