Hi,
Hopefully someone can give me some advice. My husband and I have been together 15 years, married 12 and have two sons, 4 & 2. Off topic, but still plays a big part is the fact that during our 3rd year of marriage he had an EA/PA and left me for OW. We were seperated 4 months. It was the most traumatic thing I've ever gone through and I ended up with severe PTSD. We did MC for a year, which made a tremendous difference in our relationship and we've been very strong since then with the exception that the A still looms over my head (I'm in IC now to help deal with it).

Anyways, the problem is we do not agree on how many children to have. I've ALWAYS wanted 3, he wanted 2 but said he was totally open to having 3. This is something we discussed before we got married. If he had said he only wanted 2 and no more I think I would have been hesitant to marry him since having 3 is so important to me. After the birth of our 2nd, he was still making comments about "when we have another one...." and last year when we were searching for a bigger house we specifically only looked at ones that could accomodate 3 kids plus room for his home office. Now a year later I bring it up and he tells me flat out that he doesn't want more kids. I'm absolutely devestated. I love my boys more than anything, but still feel our family is not complete. This isn't about getting my way. This is about a desire I feel in my soul and will ALWAYS carry the pain and regret of not fulfilling that desire. Honestly, it's so important to me that I have thought about leaving him but won't because that would mean putting my two boys in daycare, which is not the best for them (I'm a SAHM now so they have me all the time).

I wrote my husband a letter detailing how I feel about it. We're financially secure, have the baby equip anyways, have enough room, etc plus tried to get him to understand this deep desire, which is not the same as wanting something like a new house or car. It's part of me. He read it and said he understood but "cannot give me this".

So now I just don't know what to do. I'm so deeply hurt that I can barely function. I'm angry at him for leading me to believe we'd have a 3rd and then changing his mind (which of course he has the right to do but it doesn't make it any easier). It's almost like I can't look at him the same. This is a man who, while making me very happy over the years, has also totally traumatized me (with his A) and now is causing me more pain. I don't know how to get past that. Right now I don't want to be around him and I know the from now on sex will make me sad because it will remind me that we will never have another child. I feel like I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

I understand the POJA, but how in the world do you get past it with an obstacle this big that it is literally a "make it or break it" decision??

PLEASE, PLEASE DO NOT RESPOND IF YOU EITHER DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT DRIVING DESIRE TO HAVE ANOTHER CHILD OR CAN'T SYPATHIZE WITH IT. I really don't think I can handle listening to how the world has too many children, etc. Feel free to disagree with my view, just please don't bash me for it.

Thanks,
Amy

Amy,

I do completely understand how you feel. Unlike you, we had children early on in our marriage. DD#1 was born at 18 mos of marriage and DD#1 at 3 1/2 years of marriage. I remember in the hospital after the birth of our second daughter, thinking I couldn't believe I wouldn't be going through it again. I was only 23.

We had always agreed on two children, though. When I started expressing some interest in having another child - when DD#2 was about 3, my H was totally against it. In fact, he told me he was getting a vasectomy. We had terrible fights about it. In the end, he did get one though I was terribly upset. I tried to make the best of it, but a few years later when I was 29 I had the worst baby fever you could imagine. It got worse when I went to the baby shower of a friend who was having her third. It was so bad that I would cry about it all the time, I even begged my H over and over for another baby. I felt that we were at a good place in our life for one - much more stable financially than we had been when the girls were born and more emotionally mature, and I thought our marriage was great. I, too, considered leaving my H over it. It seemed foolish, I know because I would be putting my kids through a lot over the possibility of having a baby with someone else!

Ultimately, I wound up having counseling over it. I only went for about 8 sessions, but it helped tremendously!! In the end, I decided to stay in my marriage. About a year or so later, I quit working and stayed home full-time and that really helped my strong maternal instinct. This was almost 12 years ago.

Now, as you can see from my "signature" I found out later that my H had been having an on and off Unfair during this time. While I can never be 100% positive that it didn't have an impact on his feelings, I can say that he never ever considered leaving our marriage for the OW, or entertained thought of being with her other than brief motel meetings a few times a year. Ironically, the OW had two more children with her H around the time I wanted to have another baby. Weird, huh? When I found out about the Unfair part of me was so angry about what he had cost me (staying in the M for a lie when I wanted another child, and the opportunity to start over with someone else who might have been honest with me - by this time though, I felt I was too old to start over and have another child), I could have killed him.

I can tell you that my H takes parenting almost too seriously. Even though we are primarily a one income family, we have sent out girls to an expensive private high school, and now to college - all expenses paid for by us. So, it means a lot to my H to be able to provide like that for us. Kids get so expensive as time goes on, even without daycare.

I know when it comes to issues like this, Dr. Phil takes the stance it takes one NO and two YESES. He and his wife went through a similar thing where they'd agreed on one child and several years later he found out how terribly she regretted not having a third. He said her desire to have another was about a 10 on a 1-10 scale and his desire not to was like a 3 out of 10, so he had his vacsectomy reversed and they had a second son.

Ok, all that aside, I guess I have some questions. Is this a seriously hormonal issue for you? (For me, I later found out that my hormones were totally out of whack at that time.) Does he worry about not having the physical energy or love for another child? When you talk about it, does he give you a reason other than "I just changed my mind." (I might have missed that part of your post). Have you thought of counseling? Even if it's just for yourself?

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I remember to this day how strongly I wanted another baby. I have such a strong maternal instinct. I'm going through the empty nest next month and it's been very hard on me. I cry a lot, but I realize it's normal to feel like this. Just the other day, I thought that I would still have had kids at home had I had more children. A week ago, I got a new puppy to help me through this, and it's helped some.