Would like some help. Some of you are aware of my situation. We are on the verge of separation. Exposure and plan A have been in effect.

On one hand, I believe separation will help the fog lift. On other hand, many people here say that M can't be worked on when separated. I am at my limit with putting up with A.

I can't take it anymore. I don't want to be her babysitter. I told her last night that is not what I am here for before she left to be with OM. Talked to her on phone and asked her to come back so we could end the argument peacefully. She was with OM at the time and didn't tell me (apologized later.)

She said she would not "see him" until separation. Also screamed "marriage is over!" WS doesn't want divorce, knows A can't work, sees reconciliation in future. Basically, she is cake eating.

I need advice on both fronts.

A: Physical Separation?

B: Stay together in house with children? If you think B is better, please help me with some strategies of survival other than just Plan A.

Thanks
Brian

I would suggest looking into Plan B. Ideally, you would have her move out and then go into Plan B. You can't do Plan B while you are still in contact, it defeats the purpose. How much reading have you done on Plan B?

To me it sounds like No Contact with BS.

Do you have Surviving an Affair by Dr. Harley? I would suggest getting that book and reading it before you do anything. It is very important that you understand the foundation before you do anything. Here is an article about Plan A and Plan B:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

another one: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5033a_qa.html

I think you should look into plan B, but after quickly reading about your situation, it sounds as if you need to do a little more time in plan A.

Do what Mel is suggesting and read up. Then set your self a time table. Having a time table for when you are going to do things can help relieve the stress of the sitch.

hey i in the same boat my wife moved in her mothers house for 55 days now and i dont think plan b would help you right now cause me and you alike are just getting the hang of plan a you can plan a from afar and it might actualy work better with seperation
i know mine hasnt yet but im getting a warmer feel when i see her cause the change is seen from over time and not everyday
kinda like if your with someone who gains weight or loses weight you dont notice too much cause your there to see it day by day
so seperation while you change can make the contact you have with her almost better<i hope anywayz>
even though its hard to let go you are not gonna reap rewards of change as good as you want until you have time apart my opion only and that may be only cause thats the only hope i have good luck man im here for you

Yeah, I mean, she really needs to be separate from me for it to work, but I have plan A'd for 3 months.

After exposure, pressure to get her out has come from all over. Funny conversation today:

WS: Daughter talked about going camping. WE ought to get her a toy tent for her birthday.

ME: Sounds good.

WS: Yeah, a friend at work goes camping with her family every weekend during the summer.

ME: That sounds like a great idea. I love camping.

WS: The kids are too young right now.

ME: Yeah, maybe when son is daughter's age WE can do that.

WS: Yes, they would like that.

? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?

That is my wife talking. Where does she go when she is lost in the fog?

I think JM is right, separate with contact will be best and I haven't plan A'd long enough.

GL with you too man.

thorstein, read up on Plan B and Plan A before you make any moves. If your spouse is cakeeating and flaunting her affair, you probably should go into Plan B sooner, rather than later. Staying in Plan A too long is just as bad as not doing it long enough. But you first must understand WHAT you are dealing with and how the program works before you do anything.

thor - Please re-read Mel's responses.

Plan B is zactly what you need.

[sarcasm]A whole 3 months, huh? Feel pretty proud about this, huh?[/sarcasm]

Sorry - that might not be enough. How long you been married? What's 3 months compared to that?

Seriously, please consider WAT's Entry Criteria for Plan B:

1. All appropriate affair exposure has occured,

2. You've demonstrated your Plan A improvements to the extent the WS will allow. YOU feel like you've really corrected the bad juju you brought to the marriage. You're a new person,

3. A physical separation has occured. Ideally, the WS is the one who left, and

4. You have whatever legal instrument is available to you in place (or ready to execute) to specify child custody, division of assets, division of financial responsibilities, and (restricted) access to the marital home (assuming the WS left).

Arranging for an intermediary is a desirable option.

Far too often Plan B is delayed. I should know - I stayed in Plan A for a year, including 10 months after my WS moved out.

WAT- I know Doc suggests 6 months of Plan A, think that is on the site or in SAA, then move to Plan B. I know that you thnk Plan B shouldn't be delayed, but what is an appropriate time for Plan A considering the marriage has lasted 10 years.

BTW I have only met #s 1+2. We are still living together in the same house.

I had always planned on joint custody (meaning, my kids get the house) and we move in and out for visitations on a 50/50 basis.

Plan B would not be hard if a baby sitter was employed for @1 hr a day.

As far as #4 goes, is divorce papers what I am looking for, because, in NYS a separation agreement cannot be filed if one party has sexual intercourse outside of the marriage.

I also thinks she wants this separation so she will have some legal control after 1 year (also a NYS stipulation). Man, this is tough!

Ugh! Rereading your faqs now.

Oh man,Mel! I just read that link about what to do with a WW. My Plan A is rickety. I have to refocus and "go all out" as Doc says.

Thanks for the tip. I have SAA but stopped at the end of How an Affair should end because we are not passed that point.

Plan:

Refocus Plan A. Ask WW to fill out EN questionnaire. Meet those needs and try to get some private time for US. Call on support when hurt by PA rather than focus anger on WW.

Try Plan for 6 months more then Plan B.

Thanks

Brian

Oh nononononononnonnonnonono. this will not work at all. If you seperate, the SHE HAS TO MOVE OUT. You should not accommodate her affair by doing the moving. You have done nothing wrong that would warrant you losing your home. You should make it very clear to her that if she doesn't end her affair, you will fight for full custody with visitation and she will be the one to move since she is having the affair. Let her know you will be citing her affair in the seperation papers if it comes to that.

The important thing is to assure her that you will not be her "FRIEND" and you will not make this easy or amicable. That will discourage her from doing the things that make seperation inevitable. She needs to know that this will be
HARD on her.


But I thought a seperation agreement could not be filed if one party has sex outside of the marriage? Hasn't she done just this thing?

Yes. I was referring to:


That is from the NYS courts website. It basically gives her justification to divorce without the other stipulations (by which I would sue for divorce) such as:


Basically there are 6 grounds for divorce: (1) cruel and inhuman treatment; (2) abandonment; (3) imprisonment; (4) adultery; (5) living separate and apart pursuant to a separation judgment or decree; and (6) living separate and apart pursuant to a separation agreement.

Right now I could sue using 1 and 4. However, a legal separation would allow her to file for divorce based on number 6.

Anyway, I think it is good to have the knowledge and the support (from you guys, thanks) but it may be too soon in the affair/ Plan A. I have to convince and establish that I am a changed person who cares for her (but is not desperate!).

I think separation agreements must be filed with both parties agreeing and Adultery is not a ground for separation therefore, a legal separation cannot be done.

Did you see my comments about

Yes. And I just found the section in SAA about plan A and B. I agree with you wholeheartedly. Thanks for the smack in the face. I guess sometimes BSs have a little fog of their own.

Quick Q about preventing contact between WS and OM. When my WS goes to see him she never lies but appears to be asking if it is okay. Once, when I told her it was wrong and that it hurt me and others, she stayed home but said, "I am home and miserable." In hindsight, that is fog talk. I told her I didn't own her and I couldn't control her. (She claims to be a "kept woman" due to financials). She left to go to the grocery, which she did, but called him while there on her cell phone. When she came back, she said he cheered her up.

Is it Love Busting to continue to express this to her? (in effect preventing her from seeing him)?

I want your opinion. After writing it out it is almost obvious what I should do.

What if it made her happy to play Russian Roulette? Would you hand her the gun just to appease her?

NEVER EVER stop telling her how painful and hurtful her affair is to you and your children. Tell her that your marriage cannot survive her affair and ask how she plans on supporting herself? Get her thinking about this so she understands this won't be tolerated much longer. A marriage only has room for TWO ppl, not THREE.

thor, to whom did you expose this affair? Have you spoken to the OM yourself? Is he married and if so, have you done any exposure on HIS SIDE?

I have not talked to him and he is no longer married. I have attempted to expose but his fam is mostly from out of town so contact is limited. I was able to find a fam reunion website that had some email addresses and I emailed them searching for information and including what he is doing... other than that I don't know how to expose to his fam.

Take a look at this link


getting ready for Plan B

plan ahead ... a successful Plan b is one that is ready to launch at a moment's notice

this takes some planning & thought

good luck

Pep

Hey thorstein

This is a terrible dilemma for you and I really share your pain. You've answered a couple of my posts and our situations are very close.

I left the home in a noble act for the kids and I regret it dearly. OM is my neighbour but basically life carried on as normal for my WS, nothing changed for her apart from the fact that I wasn't there. She didn't have to leave her posessions behind, she didn't have to change her psychic geography. Make her leave and sit tight - it needs to be uncomfortable for her, she needs to go out into the cold, needs to feel displaced. The home may be an EN that she will want back. Draw as much strength around you from others as you can.

I too am struggling between Plan A and Plan B. You know the A is still going on but you can't bear being nice to her - can't bear the cake eating. Have you read "Love must be Tough" by James Dobson, check it out - does anyone know the link to the summary page for this book?