I am so angry right now....as you know my H and I aren't living together, and he wants a seperation....well he decided he is going to a picnic today with friends of his from where he worked....well he has OC today cause the bimbo works...I am at work now so he has our boys...he is going to go to the picnic when I get home with the OC! So I get to explain to the kids, why he is taking lulu somewhere and not them...when I mentioned to him on the phone that I didn't think this was fair and didn't he realize that he was hurting his kids...he told me to shut the F*&$ up... I just don't understand him, does he think the boys and I are disposable....that he can just toss our boys aside when it isn't convientent for him...where is the man that I married? the one that would do anything for his family..now all of a sudden he can toss the boys aside and just abandon us...I am so angry right now I am crying...my poor boys don't understand all of this....at this very moment, I hate the man I love so much....

LA

maybe

H recognized he cannot handle 3 kids ( ages ... 5,2,1) all at one time

I think his response was way out of line

but perhaps you might have thought this out fully before saying "not fair"

just a thought & some different perspective

hope it helped ease the pain some

Pep :-)

.... an alternative way to approach this might be:

"I realize it must seem like a daunting task taking 3 kids under 6 to a picnic. Would you like me to come along too? I am willing to help you manage this little tribe."

...... see the difference?

Pep

Nice Pep.. Good advice.

Sometimes pain takes away our ability to fight with rationality, eh?

LA..I hope that you take your COM out on a picnic of your won..and cHeerfully make sure that H knows it. Your children deserve this..and you do, too.

HUG..

Eibrab

So dad shafted the COM and put OC first and the BW don't like it- that's a switch-it's usually OK the other way around. You'll get over it- it's his loss- and your gain anyway.

Cheerful...

That's not really fair or even valid here... nor even the same situation that you are probably referring to.

Eibrab

okay, I don't know if cheerful was trying to attack me or what, I love my husbands other child, I don't even like refering to her as that, she is my LuLu. I have never encouraged my husband to ignore Lulu or to take our boys somewhere and not her....what I don't appreciate is him ignoring the boys....I am sorry if I touched a nerve..I was just trying to express my anger somewhere. I thought thats what we were here for....My husband and I are going threw a separation and our boys don't understand, I just didn't want them to see lulu getting extra daddy time and them getting none. I didnt' want them to think that daddy didn't want them....thats all...and the same for Lulu, from day one I have never wanted her to feel like she was unwanted or a dirty little secret...I was just frustrated...thats all

Your frustration is totally understandable! I'm sorry you feel jumped on. I'd be upset too.

((((((LA4500 and boys))))))

Cheerful is up to her old tricks i see.

LA, it am sorry you are going through this. He was way out of line. Hugs to you and your boys.

Think she needs to learn some new ones :-(

I think it is low what your h has done.

I had 4 babies within 2 years, my H never had a prob "handling" all of them at once. Actually he always came out of it with less gray hair then me lol. But lets say for arguement that is how he feels that he cannot, then daddy needs to set up two more private quality time with each of the other children by themselves and pronto!! Not both of the COM together but each their own time so that it will be fair

LA - ignore the purple agitator CLO - she likes getting her little shots in against the betrayed spouse any time she can - and she saw that you were vulnerable. I suggest you click on her name, and on the menu below her profile, you can "ignore" her. You don't deserve her cr*p!

In regard to your situation with COM and OC, I like Pep's response best!

L4500

I don't know how old your boys are but I understand your point exactly. It is bad enough when one parent commits adultery and then quite another when the parent (out of guilt or whatever) show favortism to the your step-c.

Here is a difference that I don't think a lot of people understand. COM feel betrayal! Not the same as the spouse, some of the emotions are similiar and a lot has to do with how long the deceit is carried on and the ages of the child, but in most cases I have observed the most damage is done after the fact with the step-c being treated with favortism because the OW constantly wants to bring the child's conception up as if it is a valid justification as to why one child should be favored over.

Big differene in the bs who stays and tries to reconcile with her ws. She must come to terms with the A, the existence of a child, and accept that her life and the life of her children are forever changed because of the selfishness of 2 people. The wife, because she is the wife and because she is the mother of their children, usually has enough self-confidence after the initial trauma of d-day that she can put self aside in the best interest of her child (bio & step) because if she stays, she more than likely has already decided to love the child as her own.

Contrast that with the average OW with child. Does she stop for a moment, before, during and after the affair to consider the COM. I doubt it. If she did why all the drama, and the control freak behavior unless visitation is court ordered and she can do nothing about it. Does she care about the effect on COM, no, it is her and now her child. She expects often that she is entitled to something because she got pregnant. Give me a break. The man has a responsibility to financially support the child but their is no obligation to the OW.

So often many think the COM follows he led of the BS. My counselor even told me the better I am able to deal with the situation the better our 14 y o d will be able to deal with it. When I encourag forgiveness and focus on the r with her dad, our d didn't want to forgive, she didn't feel he deserved anything. Her pain is real. It isn't an extension of my pain. It is seperate and distinct from any pain I feel. Same with our 22 y o d. The pain is real.

I think more often instead of the bs having the problem seperating the child from the OW, when the h stays with his w, it is the OW who has the problem seperating the COM from the w. True love and respect isn't found in an affair and very few have it after d-day.


Sadly, either your h will get it or he won't get it. And sadly, he probably will not get it, if it only you trying to explain it to him. If your children are not old enough to articulate their feelings, in all likelihood, it will be misinterpreted that they are fine with everything and no one has a problem but you. It is so classical. You have to protect your children from further harm. If your h and OW are still self-centered, you will have to speak up for your children.

One thing to consider, prior to this did your h show favortism among your boys, exclude one in favor of the other? If he spent approximate equal seperate time with each of them individually, it may not be as hurtful as if he didn't. I am going to guess, he didn't. The COM always suffer when one parent is selfish enough to have an affair.

You could have tried to handle it as pepper suggested but you know your h best and it may not have made any difference. He is accountable for his actions. As much as you want to, you can only protect your children so much and then there really isn't anything else you can do but pray for the Lord to put a hedge of protection around them.


God Bless You
Ann

CLO,

Keep breathing....

What goes around, comes around.....

I think Pepper gave an excellent response....I'm so sorry that your going this....

CLO - I will never ignore you...people like you, make me soooo much stronger, and one day, I hope for you not to read your words and have them backfire. As one poster has stated..."what goes around, comes around"...and may I add...10 times worst! Ask my OW.