Here's the story. Right now I have about 45 days left before I can go home. Thats important to know ahead of time. To start from the begining... My wife and I got married about 6 months before I was deployed. During our relationship before and after the marriage was awesome. There were no very big issues. None that I know of. My wife and I have always talked about everything. Our feelings and emotions. What was making each other unhappy and ways to fix it. We had the best relationship together. Now I got deployed and that puts an unimaginable stress on both of us. For the the first 3 months, things were fine. I came home on mid tour leave, and everything was great. Perfect almost. After I came off of leave, things went normally for about a month. One day while I was talking to her, she mentioned she gave her number to another guy. I was a little mad, but there wasn't much I could do. Since then, our marriage has been rocky. But she finally told me about the affair 3 days ago. I forgive her, and she immediatly agreed to end contact and do anything to save the marriage and be with me. The very next day, she told me she loved Rob and thought she would rather be with him. But she was so confused about it. She kept saying over and over that she loves me. She decided to give our marriage a "chance". I instantly agreed. I love her and want her to be with me. I am willing to do everything. Understand everything going on, and I know that given the chance, we could make it work. I am confident that when I get home we will be able to work this out, but I am worried about getting there. And getting more than 1 week after I get home for her to decide. I feel that its unfair for her to make damands and deals like that. But I can't risk pushing her away by making demands of my own. She thinks that all this marriage counseling stuff is a load of crap and not true. She refuses to even listen to the suggestion. She thinks that love is just supposed to happen, and any other opinion is stupid, especially opinions of doctors and counselors. She has had an issue from childhood that was never solved and she blames the doctors. How can I save my marriage. I know she loved me, I know she wants to be with me, I know she wants the marriage to work, but she can't see past Rob. So far she has agreed to no contact, and has stuck to it, but it has only been 3 days. I am deployed. I am not there to fullfill any of her needs. Help me... Please... nayr65@yah.com

Hi and welcome. I personally don't have a lot of advice to give you, but I do know that others here do. I suggest that you find a way to get her time occupied in another way than hanging out with this guy. It may be hard, but it's not impossible. Are there any women who are spouses of your buddies who might be willing to help out?

If there is an understanding senior enlisted person or officer there who can help out, this may be the way to go. If she had a girlfriend or two to hang out with, they could maybe talk some sense into her.

You will hear a lot of advice here about plan a, plan b and so forth, and there is a lot of wisdom there. At the end of the day, though, there is nobody who knows your situation better than yourself...Observe, evaluate, plan, act. She is lonely, she wants to be with you. Find something to fill the time for her while she waits for you to get home. Tell her that you know how lonely it is, but that knowing she will be waiting there for you when you get home will make it a better homecoming.

Also, you might try planning a trip or celebration with her for when you get home. If you two are working on planning a fun time together, it will help to take her mind off of him and her loneliness.

ALso, take care of yourself. Your feelings are normal, this s u c k s! But, you can perservere. My wife had an emotional affair seven years ago, and focusing on her needs helped get her off the idea of someone else and saved our marriage.

Thank you for your service. I appreciate what you are doing and think of you and all of the other service members every day. Take care and keep posting, I will check back.

Dear Soldier,
I am a wife of a Marine and have gone through two deployments, and many long training operations where he was out of state. During his first deployment I was very lonely. A male friend of mine was trying to make us more then friends. It was a vulnerable time, and because I didn't want to end our friendship i just ignored the fact that he was in-love with me. I have to admit I enjoyed the attention, but deep down I knew it was wrong. I never cheated on my husband, but because I didn't doesn't mean I couldn't have. What I mean by that is that if I had made that mistake, I would have still been the same girl I am right now. I think for your sake you need to do a few things for your wife so she doesn't feel as if she "broke" the relationship and that it can never be fixed because of her mistake. Let her know that you forgive her, and that you understand she is only human, capable of making mistakes. If she is sorry and truly regrets it. let her know that you believe that this experience has made her stronger so that next time she is feeling vulnerable that she will be able to get through it. Let her know that you aren't "one up" on her; meaning that you'll never feel like you have a free pass to cheat because she did. Also, be very careful not to use it in an arguement, intending to hurt her. That doesn't mean you can't let her know how you feel, but don't use it as a weapon or she may feel like she has tainted the relationship and it can never be as good as before so she may reason that it would be better to leave it and start over fresh with someone else. Cause if she started over fresh she'd probably be stronger against being unfaithful, let her know that she has a clean slate with you, and you want her to start over with you not some other guy. Motivate her, let her know that you feel she is a stronger person now that she realizes her mistake.--When I fully realized that my friendship could be potentially destructive I ended it. I discussed it with my husband and came up with the idea that now that we are a married couple, neither of us should have freinds of the opposite sex unless they are both mine and my husbands freind- never to confide personal info to the opposite sex, especially complaints about our spouse. This way we can still enjoy our friends, but together. The only people I make complaints to is my female friends, and they are the only ones that I hang out with on my own, if I want to hang out with a male friend, I include my husband too. Anyways, I hope this was enlightening for you!