I am new here. I just discovered that my husband cheated on me with someone online (not a stranger). This is a person he dated in high school, so he had not seen her in about 16 years. She found his email on a school website and emailed him. This relationship turned sexual in nature fairly quickly. I was snooping in his private email account and discovered this on my own - he did not confess to me.

After reading several emails, I also discovered she had driven over 1200 miles to where we live, and that they had met. (BTW, she and her family are moving back to our area in August). At this point, I woke him up and asked him who this person is/was. I had printed out several of the emails, but I obviously didn't read through all of them before confronting him. He quickly deleted them all, and I never got to see the rest. He said they were raunchy and dirty, and that I didn't want to see them.

He initially denied meeting her at all when she was back - even read me an email saying he couldn't meet her. But that was an email he wrote before changing his mind. He, then, said he did meet her, but that they just talked. I didn't believe him, and told him so. Long story short, he comes home from work the next day crying, saying that they had met twice at the park, made out, and had a Bill Clintonesque relationship. I was ticked! He said he didn't want to tell me for fear I would leave him, and that the A was dwindling (but he hadn't ended it).

My question is about the Plan A - do I still tell people? He wants to work this out - we've been to 2 counseling sessions. Initially, I told him that I wanted him to tell his Mom (not details - just fess up & tell her we're going to counseling). I found this out July 4 & 5 - 5th was DS bday party - it was awkward to say the least, and I figured she knew something was up. He initially said he would tell her, but has now backed down and changed his mind. He says we're working things out and that we shouldn't tell people. I say if he didn't want anyone to know, he shouldn't have done it. If you make your bed, don't you have to lie in it, too? Also, what about OWH - should he know?

He thinks I'm being vengeful, and he keeps minimizing what he's done. He says things could be worse and that he stopped it before it involved VI, so I should be happy about that. Is it me, or is that screwed up?????? I feel really alone. I have been reading some posts and do plan on installing a keylogger. Did I mention he's also addicted to internet porn?

I'm looking for opinions and advice, so any support would be greatly appreciated. TIA.

FS-33 (me)
WH-33
Married 9 1/2 years
2dd
1ds

Welcome to the boards, sorry you are here.

First of all get a keylogger and install it. This way, even if he deletes an email, you can read what he wrote in the log. Ardamax is free and terrific.

Exposure is very important! Especially to the OW's H. Why should he be lied to. Having an A is his choice and it is morally wrong. There are so many people here that will help you as they have helped me. I have exposed and though she was angry, it added to her "drama" as she called it. I am currently revising my Plan A.

Get Surviving an Affair by Harley. Great book. Has an outline on how to end the affair. If you can't wait, look at How Affairs Should End on the MB website.

Brian

If the affair is ongoing - and it does seem to be then you must expose - parents, friends, church.

Read the infidelity FAQ's here on this site - linked below in my signature.

OWH needs to know the truth about his life. He should have every opportunity to fix his marriage as you have but first and foremost he may put the skids on moving to your town.

"no contact" will work much better if OW and OWH stay far away. If they have kids she may have coerced him to move to her home town and after 6 months (in many states) she'll have residency and be able to file for divorce and keep her kids in state. This plan may include ending up with YOUR HUSBAND. Protect yourself, your marriage and your kids by exposing immediately.

Sure your husband will be upset. Perhaps enraged. But exposure never killed a marriage...affairs can and do.

A simple phone call works best.

Did you hide the print outs of some of the emails you got? Make a set of copies and hide them out of the house.

Digital recorder in Car is a good idea too. Read Spying 101 thread for advice.

Good luck,

Mr. Wondering

What is his plan to stop this behavior?

Pep

Thank you for the responses thus far - I appreciate the input. To clarify, WH did send an email to OW to end the affair - I read it. So, is exposure still necessary or am I being vengeful? Do I contact her (I do have her email) or just let it go?

As far as the pornography, he usually looked at it late at night when I was in bed asleep (he is a night owl). He also was hiding this from me (clearing the history on the computer, lying, etc.) This came out when I found out about his cheating. His new plan is to go to bed when I do, and that has worked so far, but things aren't really "normal" around here right now so I'm not sure how long that will last. The counselor suggested an "accountability buddy," but where do you find one of those?

Angela

ask the counselor for suggestions ... there are group supports ... similar to AA ... if you have a church, ask your pastor if they have such a group

Pep

Yes you must still tell OWH.

The faster you do it the more likely they may not move to your hometown. Plus, you need OWH's to KNOW so that NO CONTACT can be maintained from that side of the relationship. Besides, it's the decent thing to do.

His computer must have a password protected key logger on it.

Mr. Wondering

Thanks again for the advice. Supposedly the OWH does know, at least that's what she said. I don't even know his last name or how to get ahold of him - I just have her email address.

Where do I get more information on a keylogger? It will not be seen or detected by the other party, correct?

I have hidden copies of the emails, but not outside the house. That is a good suggestion!

I guess I'm fortunate - my spouse is remorseful. It just almost seems too easy. He knows all the right things to say. I'm just skeptical, and wonder if this will be the end, or if it will happen again. Especially, if I make reconciliation so easy.

Angela

We've heard that one before - that the OP's spouse knows. Of course he doesn't know. Why in the world would he agree to move to your town?

Check out the classmate site and see if you can get his full name. Then check on who/where or one of those sites.

The husband knowing will be your best protection.