Hi. i have a really big problem on my hands. Many many years ago, i was engaged. My fiance was in the military and was sent into a war. He came back with serious issues and the relationship ended. I was an emotional wreck and had counseling. I ended up having to block out a lot of things just to go on. The experience changed me forever. I became very emotionally detached. Well, not long after, i met the person who i ended up marrying. It took me a long time to come to love this person, but i eventually did. We have been married for 10 years and have two kids.

Here's the problem. My ex has recently contacted me to "clear the air" and i have discovered that i am still in love with him, even after all that i was put through. I have realized that i have been missing a part of me all these years. I realized that when i married, i was just settling for the one who stayed by me. I do have feelings for my husband, but they are a "protected" kind of love, meaning a cared for feeling. There are tons of issues that I've tried to overlook for the entire marriage. These issues are not going to go away and i no longer want to continue the marriage. I want to be with my ex. I know in my heart that I was always meant to be with him and he is what i have been missing all these years.

What do i do?

Pull your head out of your butt for a start. The fog is rolling in.

1. Never see or speak with this person again.
2. Tell your husband about this
3. Read the infidelity FAQ's in my signature below
4. Purchase "Surviving an Affair" and "His Needs, Her Needs" from this site

I agree with everything BigKahuna said except I would add that you turn off the chick flicks on the A&E channel. It sounds like you have been watching some romantic mush. As far as being "meant for" this man, let me assure that you were "meant for " the man you made VOWS TO, the man you married. That is who you were "meant for."

I will tell you the "kind" of love you have for each other: it is an ADULTEROUS love based on a fantasy. It is an adulterous passion based on DECEIT and LIES that will quickly crumble once exposed to the light of reality. He is the kind of man who has such LOW REGARD for marriage that he will fool around with a married woman. That is not marriage material, my dear. That is scumbag material.

So, pull your head out of your [censored], turn off the chick flicks, and tell your H what nonsense you have been up to. And go kiss your children and ask God for forgiveness that you would even CONSIDER destroying their lives so you could act like an alley cat in heat with some man who has no respect for marriage and wants to destroy their family.

Hi wantout.

It sounds like you are very confused! You came to a good place. Please do some reading and use your head. I want to go over some of the things you said. Your wrote:


Just so I have it right. You were engaged to a man that has serious issues. He destoyed your life and you had to forget about things just to go on. And you decided he was not marriage matierial and moved on.

Now this same man has come back into your life? How romantic! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> So what you are really saying a emotionally abusive man has come back in your life to finish you off. Destroy what you have built up with your pathetic husband. I hope you realize a good man would not come back and destroy a marriage. I am guessing nothing has changed as far as he goes. I am guessing the war really messed him up or he was always messed up. If you think his problems magically went away you are in for a bad life.



You then married another man. He has given you 10 years and 2 children. He has supported you and given you a safe place. Not as exciting as your old Fiance. So I am guessing you think since your the mom that you should get to take his kids from him and go live with OM (other man).

Maybe your husband should get the children and you can be a part time mom. You can pay child support and see them sometimes. Not to mention destroy your husband.




So there are issues in your marriage, join the club. Think about this. What if this guy had not come back into your life. Imagine for a minute that your husband got a call from an old girlfriend. He then started thinking about her and thought about leaving you. He would probably tell his old girlfriend his wife "Protects her feelings for him" and his wife only has a cared for feeling for him. Now can you imagine if he left you and wanted to take your kids and home away also. What would you think of your life then??

As I told someone last week I know of 4 women who left their husbands for another man. Not one of these women are happy. As a matter of fact 3 of them I talk to once in a while. They had good decent husbands but they wanted to be with their "Soul Mate" and ditched everything. I guess it turns out that OM that steal other mens wives are really not very good boyfriends or husbands.

All of these women would take their old lives back in a hearbeat. 3 of the guys are married again and the other guy is me.My wife cheated on me and also caused me to file for divorce. I can assure you she does not want our marriage to end. It is going to end because I cannot get over the betrayal. We had talked early in our marriage and she knew if she cheated I would end it. My point is you are making a big mistake.

Is this guy married? Then 2 families will be destoyed and eventually you will be destroyed. This guy did it to you before and he is about to destroy your life again. But this time it will be your fault not his. You are betraying your husband and then you will deserve what happens to you.

[b]Talk to your husband about this guy. Send a no contact letter and get some counseling for your marrige. I pray to god you have not already slept with him again but you are about to ruin your own life. You made "Vows" not to do this. I pray you make the right decision.

wow. such nice advice. i did ask for it though. let me clear some things up.

I haven't slept with my ex. It was 15 years ago, so i was 16 at the time he and i were engaged. He did and still does have PTSD, but he is a lot better. He never married.

Another thing, my husband knows that i have feelings for that guy and also knows that no matter how much it will hurt me, i'd never take the kids from him. They are everything to him. i am the one that is leaving the home, not him. I am not happy at all. I haven't been happy for a very, very long time. I may have been content over the years, but the one i lost has ALWAYS been on my mind.

The misunderstanding wasn't one, really. He just broke up with me and never told me why. And, he wasn't emotionally abusive. it was just, "we need to break up." that's all. neither of us ever got closure. I was too young and just didn't try and fight for an answer.

I'm not acting like an "alley cat in heat." Again, i haven't slept with this man.

Hasn't anyone ever "settled for what was there, right then" and then came to regret it? That's what i did. I settled. I couldn't have the person i wanted to be with, so i settled for the first one to actually stay around.

Also, this man is not pressuring me to do anything. He said that he is in love with me still after all these years and will accept whatever i decide. He even told me that he didn't want to break up my family.

So, anyone have anymore advice on what I just said? And, know this...i don't watch A&E or any other chick flicks. Thanks for any advice though.

Wantout,

Why are you on a Marriage Building site if you want to leave your H?

If you're looking for support re: a relationship with your old flame, you have come to the wrong site.

I'm sorry if the above posts seemed harsh, but your words are very hurtful to both BSs and FWWs on these boards trying to make their Ms work.

So... if you "want out", can you clarify further why are you here?

Does he know as much as you've told us - total strangers?

I can believe you that your marriage is not as happy as it can be.

But I cannot believe that you're thinking with a clear mind right now. I propose you're building up your original fiance as justification for why you want out of your marriage. If it wasn't him it would be the guy you met at the grocery store last week. Greener grass.

How much effort have you put into your current marriage?

Can you stand the thought of being replaced as a mother to your kids? If not, don't you think that SOME effort ought to be expended before bailing out?

Please direct your H to this site so we can help him. He needs it.

Hi wantout,

So "for better or for worse" actually means "until I get a better offer"? Do you intend to marry boyfriend #1? What happens when he gets a better offer?

I can certainly understand that a fantasy relationship sounds a lot more appealing than the nitty-gritty-we-got-kids-and-bills-and-dishes one you have right now. Particularly a fantasy relationship that, by your own admission, you have nurtured over many years.

Wonder what your current relationship with your "settled for" H would look like if you had invested every moment you thought about your previous fiance into your current marriage? Wonder what it could look like?

I doubt that anyone here wants you to "settle" for your marriage. Marriagebuilders can help you make the relationship you have right now with your husband into the one you wish it could be.

But the only way that can happen is if you stop nurturing the fantasy - your current H simply can't live up to the life you *think* you will have with the ex-fiance who has suddenly returned to your life, telling you that he loves you but he doesn't want to break up your family.

My advice to you is to end the relationship with the ex, grieve "what could have happened," and invest *all* of your emotional energy into your marriage. Find out what your emotional needs are and those of our husband and together figure out the best way to meet those needs.

Best,

G

Here's just some of the huge red flags ...

this guy knew you when you were sixteen...
if you are telling me that you are same person you were..

emotionally and developementally that you were when sixteen...

then you got really bigger serious issues...

it is infact in my opinion, insulting to profess to love someone NOW in viewing them as the person they were when sixteen....

I thank GOD!! that I do not view life and act the same as I did when sixteen...talk about an egocentric view of the world....

and it is my opinion that he IS doing that to you...



bringing total disrpespect to YOU
your CHILDREN.,...(his opinion....abandon your children for me.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />)
bringing total disrespect to your husband....

where is his joy for you that you are married
that you have children
that you have grown and matured...

no he brings none of that...

he brings...
I LOVED you when you were sixteen...
lets run away together and pretend we are sixteen and eighteen...


and you are buy this crap...

yikes...

can you see how insulting it is to be told you are loved by someone who has NO IDEA who you are today....

how could he

he can't...

his use of the word is meaningless and empty...

he has NO idea who you are and you have NO idea who he is yet...

except that he brings great disrespect to you and great harm and danger to your family..

oh yeah...allllll in the name of love....

his love is scary bad

you got closure...he didn't want you...
for whatever reason.....

that was your closure...

not some adnauseum rationalization that can't even be the truth...
because you were young without all the life experiences to process it with...

it's all bull.....

it's all influenced from years post break up...

and it's all what you WANT TO HEAR....cause that's what we grownups learn to do...
especially predators......
like he is...

when I seek out old friends...it's to validate and celebrate who they are today...

not to plant seeds of doubt and misery in to their present world...

not to drag them back to highschool for Gods' sake...

i am the one that is leaving the home, not him.

so your plan it to teach your children that people are replacable...

you will bring chaos and fear in to their worlds...

you will teach them that daddies have no meaning and are replacable based on our feelings....

that they will learn to lay awake at night fearing that if they misplease you ....they too like daddy will be replaced...

they are incapable of processing your need for happiness...
developementally it's not even part of their thought process....

yet you will bring in to their world a strange man..
and make him instant daddy...

a stranger....

and force them to split their holidays and their vacations and their lives...

this is the cross road you stand on..

and your marital issues by your own admission are ones that you have done nothing to change...

just accepted them....
and kept a memory alive.....of a stranger you once knew...

so the truth is you didn't settle
you chose
and
created the marriage you have today...

not a victim at all....

how can anything but chaos and pain come from any of this...

why wouldn't you create the marriage you desire with the man you married.....

instead of doing nothing but running away...

your legacy to your children is not looking very nice these days...

you may want to re-group and re-think what is the priority here...

ARK

WO,
One "chick flick" you might WANT to rent is "Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood." One of the characters spends decades pining for the one "true love of her life" who slipped away... and barely tollerating the man she "settled for" instead... only to realize late in life what a gem of a man she was married to all along. Just a thought.
--SC

wantout -


I don't see one word in this paragraph that addresses your husband's feelings about you. I see a lot of justification to do what you want to do.

I will tell you up front that I have a somewhat skewed view of these situations, being a BS (betrayed spouse). I can also tell you that, having heard similar words from my wife (I care for you, I don't want to hurt you) really irks me.

If you care for someone, you don't hurt them. What you want to do will, at the very least, hurt your kids. I'm wiling to bet that it'll hurt your husband - and it'll hurt you as well.

You have a golden opportunity here - the chance to NOT do something that will have life-long ramifications for you, your husband, and your kids.

I can think of no worse disresepectful judgement than for one spouse to tell another that leaving the marriage for another person (their "soulmate") is for the best for all concerned.

It's the easy path. Nothing in life of any value or worth is every easy. For the sake of your kids, yourself, your husband, and even your ex-fiance, stay in your marriage.


How magnamous of him. What he's really telling you is that he wants you, but doesn't want to sully his hands by breaking up your family. If he truly didn't want to break up your family, he'd disappear and leave you alone. He'd respect you, and your marriage.

I can identify with what your husband is about to go through if you continue this path. I heard similar things from my wife, and the OM (who was a friend, or so I thought) also claimed to have my marriage's interest at heart - but that sure didn't stop him from pursuing my wife.

As long as your intent (or appear intent) to leave your marriage, you will not get a warm welcome here. You may very well feel attacked or picked-on. The people on this forum are pro-marriage, and almost all of them have experienced infedility as either the BS or WS. They know the pain you're heading for, and they want nothing more than to prevent yet another person from falling into that pit. Listen to them.

""He even told me that he didn't want to break up my family. ""

So why does he want then???? Sound to me he does want to break up your family!! please dont fall in to this Puppy love and destroy your family.I to have fomnd memories of my first love. Like a said is a fond memoey, some memorys is just ment to stay memories..God i just hate Those people that keeps coming up from woodwork and put ideas ,and destoying familes, becuse the years laite regret braking up

Hi wantout -

I'm writing from the experience of being a former wayward wife (FWW) with an old boyfriend (BF). Destroying the family that you have been building for 10 years (as an adult) to return to a failed relationship from the past (as a teenager) will be the gravest mistake of your life. Think of the warnings on this board along the lines of "an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure." You are in the fortunate place now of being able to work on your marriage (M) BEFORE making a tremendous mistake.

"I know in my heart that I was always meant to be with him and he is what i have been missing all these years."

The past is gone - leave it there. Feelings like this for a man other than your husband (H) are "fog" - fantasy, not reality, not healthy, not constructive. So is wanting to leave your children for the other man (OM).

Your H is "the one who stayed by me."
Staying by you is love - true love.

"cared for feeling."
This is your H loving you.

"There are tons of issues that I've tried to overlook for the entire marriage."

Stop overlooking these issues - deal with them. Read His Needs Her Needs, talk honestly with your H, get marriage counseling (MC). If, after sincerely working on your M in every way you can, using every healthy resource you can find, you still want out of the M, you can know that you did everything you could to save your family. Be healthy, though, and if you must get divorced (D), wait until after the D to begin dating anyone.

God bless,
Rose

i dont chime in too often, but here goes....

everything that is being told to you here is all sound advice...

but what you are hearing and reading is just abunch of jumbled words..."wha wha wha whaaaaa wha wha!!"

my daughter is 16....THANK GAWD she is not a parent or wife and is living a 16 year olds life and not making tough decisions yet based on a 16 year old feelings....

my opinion is that YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED AND EMBARRASED by what you are considering....

i am living through a divorce and raising two kids on a "part time" basis after my X did what you are wanting to do....DIVORCE sucks regardless of the reasons it happens!!

but.......

human nature is pretty predictable....

so.....

you will run off....make poor choices....wreck your family and ruin your childrens lives and destroy their INNOCENCE...

all in the name of "love"...

re-write all your history, make your husband a bad spouse and poor father....paint him in a very bad light....

all to justify your lusts and IMMATURE outlook on life...

and.....

you will come back to this site....

sometime in the future....

looking for advice on how to save a broken marriage that YOU and only YOU are responsible for destroying....



ENJOY the ride!!!!

I am sorry if you thought what I said was harsh. I am trying to help you because I am pretty sure I know what your future is going to be.

Let me tell you a little bit about my mother. She had some mental issues and treated my dad like crap. She then ended up leaving my dad because she was not "Happy". She settled for him and wanted her freedom and happiness. She was cheating on him so she left everything.

I have not seen her since she walked out the door. She calls me every few years or sends me a letter. I am always amazed at how bitter she is about life. I told her not to ever contact me again because of how nasty she is about my dead father. The guy for the rest of his life never said a bad thing about her.

For some reason she hated him even though she abandoned all her children and walked out on him. I asked her why she hated him so much? She left him and her children forever and she had decades to make herself happy but she was even more bitter than ever after all of these years. The grass always looks greener on the other side.

This OM does go after married women. You will not be the last. I could say all sorts of things but you have to live your life. I told my wife the same things but she didn't listen either.

If you pursue this what will probably happen is your poor husband will be hurt. One day he will meet another woman and god willing get married again. Then his children will call her mom and forget about the woman that just had to find her soul mate.

This is like watching a car accident that is going to happen but not being able to stop it. I really wish you and your husband happiness but you will regret this.

I called and asked my wife (FeelingFoolish on this board) to log on and tell you our story from her perspective.

When I read this, all kinds of emotions came storming back, because seven years ago, she could have written what you did about the ex, closure, and her feelings about me.

She and I are now so close, we read each other's minds practically. She recommitted to our marriage, and I did as well after my PA two years ago. We are both blown away by how much we love each other. Contrast this with seven years ago, when she was horribly sad, feeling no closure, told me she was leaving me, she had never loved me, had settled for me, and needed closure.

Everyone here is trying desperately to help you. Don't let anyone's tough love turn you off to the advice. That is the 16-YO inside of you saying, "I want what I want what I want what I want!!!!" Take a deep breath, relax, and realize where these feelings are coming from. I think you will realize that you truly never did resolve this past hurt, but that trying to go back there will not meet your expectations. Please think about doing as my wife did, tell your H how you feel, tell him you have this old hurt that is making you crazy and that you would love him forever if he could help you resolve all of this.

Remember your wedding day? Not the guests or the ceremony, not the party or your dress, remember how you felt about your H that day? Remember what you promised him? I know you meant it. Trust him to keep his promise and to help you through this. The results are A W E S O M E !!!

Wow ... sorry for the name calling and insults... there seems to be a few that will always fail to see the true question in the post.

ANYWAY....

I think on some level...we all go through this at some point. It seems that you've taken two situations..that don't belong together...and tried to make a whole piece out of them.

These feelings that you have ...for old BF...that you BELIEVE to be lacking in your own marriage... aren't starry eyed emotions.

I promise you...that if you read up on this site...and figure out that MANY MANY COUPLES...fall OUT of love... you can absolutely fall BACK in love with your H....and have a wonderful, fulfilling, loving, committed relationship with him...and be thankful and happy for having this man in your life.

It's going to take some work on both your parts.

Obviously you're here....because you want help. If you were looking to leave your marriage, and live "happily every after" with your highschool boyfriend...you could have googled much more appropriate sites.

Hang around... get familiar with the concepts here. If you apply some of these techniques to your marriage... you'll never be unhappy with the state of your marriage again.

I'm glad you reached out for help before things got really out of control.

It's going to take a lot of effort on your part... to stop gravitating towards old BF...but your children, and your husband... deserve a strong, committed effort on your part first.

Give this a try. You have NOTHING to lose, and everything to gain.

Dear Wantout,

You have had much good advice, but I wanted to add one other thought:

Perhaps if you think back to your wedding day as Ahnold has suggested, you'll think something like, "I knew that day I shouldn't have married my husband," or "I knew then that I was settling, but I felt it was too late to back out."

Perhaps you will think that. If so, I would strongly ask you to consider that our feelings and the thoughts that spring from them are often very fickle. Having feelings of being "in love" are not necessarily evidence of actually BEING in a loving relationship. I do not believe those feelings are the litmus test for the legitimacy of a marriage, and I believe this is one of the greatest mistakes western culture makes regarding love, marriage, and the family.

Much more is at stake, Wantout. Your best self knows this. And I think, when your best self wins out, you may be very surprised to find yourself "in love" - with your husband and the father of your children.

MAzingrace

I completely agree with MAzinggrace. Have you read the articles on emotional needs? I feel the most loved, and loving feelings, when my beautiful W is fulfilling my needs. I feel them also when I fulfill hers, because it creates this wonderful hurricane of love, giving back and forth.

Have you told your husband what you need to feel loved?

Gosh, we haven't heard every single one of the below quotes before. No, not even in Harley's books or ALL OVER THIS BOARD.


AKA Revisionist History


Even when you said "I do at Your Wedding" and "Made Love to Your Husband" and "And Celebrated Your First Baby" and "etc. etc. etc."


You REALLY should read the articles before writing this stuff. It will show you how very typical your claims are, uncanny.