I have been married for about 2 years and have a reached a point where I am not sure if my marriage will survive. We have experienced quite a share of conflict that stems from our different backgrounds.
I grew up in a very close Jewish family in which my parents and sister were my best friends. Early on I had realized how friends were friends to a point and some came and went, but my family has always been there. I continue to have a strong relationship with my family. Eventhough my parents live 4 hours away, I am able to see them at least once a month. My sister and I live in the same city so we try to hand out once of week. For me these relationships have always been important to me because there were no conditions.

My husband comes from the complete opposite. He grew up in a very Catholic family in which one was not allowed to ask questions about sex and grace was said before any meal if even eating out. His upbringing was quite unusual and somewhat damaging. For one, he spents summers secluded from other kids only be with his siblings with no contact with others during his childhood. Consequently, he had a hard time making friends. Once he had moved away for college he was embraced by a group of friends whom to this day he is attached.

I could understand why he felt the need to break away from his family. They had never really showed support. During his college years, his parents only visited him on the day of his graduation. He always reminds me that he has always been independent from the minute he left his house to go to college and struggled along the way but survived.

This is where one of our major conflicts occurs. Having separated himself from his family, he is constantly questioning my relationship with my family. He judges me constantly telling me that I am so dependent on them, simply because I talk to them and see them more frequently than he does, and because they take interest in who I am and what I am doing. His parents have made no effort to do this. I feel that he resents me for this and consequently makes me feel bad about this. It hurts me a great deal because i decided a long time ago to not bring up the damage that I feel his family caused based on his upbringing. Yet, he pushes the issue on me all the time.

Meanwhile, while he gets on my case about my family he has an "attached at the hip" relationship with his college friends. I thought that when we got married this would change a bit. I dont mean that he would no longer be their friends or hang out with them. I just thought that I would be a priority. Because most of these friends are single and unemployed/temp employed that are constantly wanting to hang out. He will drop everything to be there for them.

I guess I want to get more advice regarding the policy of agreement. My hasband feels that in a marriage each person should be able to do whatever each person wants. When there is agreement that's great, but when they don;'t coincide that is ok too. Each person will simply do what they want. Now I can understand how this pans out in many cases. Say someone wants to go out for a drink but the other person is feeling up to it. Recently, one of his friends invited us to his beach house for a long weekend. The plan was to go up either Friday or Saturday. I expressed to my hsuband that I really wanted to go up with him, but b/c a lot was going on at work I would appreciate it if we could leave first thing Saturday morning. He said he didn't want to do that- he wanted to go up Friday with everybody else, and that if I wanted to come up I could on Saturday. It was really important that he be there as soon as everyone got there. I reiterated that really wanted to go but due to circumstances I would prefer going up Saturday morning (keep in mind the friend';s house is not very easy to get to so if we weren;;t going together than I wasn't going to be able to get there). My husband said that was too bad and that he is sorry I won't be there. Is this ok? I am actually pretty shaken up about this b/c here I am making the effort to go and b/c it is not how he wants it, it doesn;t work. This is an example of how things work out lately. As I mentioned before, he doesn't believe in compromise or negoitatining b/c in the end he is unhappy. I read the page on the joint agreement and find that I am constantly in position where I am not met by my husband. He feels that in a marriage each of us should be able to do what one wants. I have tried to demonstrate how this doesn't always work out. Especially when children are in the picture. He doesn't seem to think so. In turn he tells me that when I am at odds with him about something that he wants, in the end the fact that I questioned something ruins the experience of doing that activity. I need some advice please!

Get thee to a marriage counselor.

It is my opinion that your differences are not so much based in religion as they are in your unique cultures. You did not say whether or not your husband is white, but I assumed that he is, or he is at least very "Americanized." Unfortunately, IMO, America's mainstream culture is not as familiy-oriented as many ethnic cultures are. (I feel qualified to say this, as I am white and my husband is Hispanic, and we had to overcome this cultural difference.)

That said, I would also say that it sounds as though the two of you are involved in a classic power struggle that inevitably occurs between married people, especially when the marriage is young and you both are still trying to figure out how your partnership is going to work. It sounds to me like you are both struggling to maintain your individualities, while at the same time you both need to know that you are important to each other. This is a struggle that never ends, and how you handle it is extremely important.

That's why I say you should go to a marriage counselor. An impartial 3rd party can help you to negotiate these things together. If your husband refuses to go, then tell him what you told us in the first line of your post. Trust me, that will get his attention.

Good luck.

Do whatever you want in marriage usually means you want to do the same thing. I don't think religion or background have anything to do with this.

Your H is trying to maintain his selfish singledom and if he doesn't get it worked on soon, your opening line in mind, he will have that single life again.

All marriage, 24/7, is a give and take negotiating process. From who makes the coffee in the morning to the travel arrangements you discribed. It is really not about winning or losing, because when you agree you both win.

I hate to bring this part up but is there some specific reason why he might not have wanted you on this particular trip? Why did he have to be there from the beginning. Knowing how difficult it is to get to this getaway spot why would he tell you to make the trip alone if you wanted to come? Was he putting this option out to you knowing full well he would be "free" the entire weekend?

I learned a long time ago that when it doesn't make sense it is because it is not supposed to. This is when it is necessary to "listen to the words" used and not the overall conversation. When this happens ask yourself, do you listen or do you wait to talk? If you are waiting to talk you will miss those subtle nuances in the words used to offer you the explanation. If it's Mister Selfish talking your H will sound and use the words you are familiar with. If he is being duplicitous he will not sound like himself and he will do what I call "tongue swallowing" and trip himself up. If you don't jump in and interrupt him you will have a better chance of getting to the bottom of this.

As Vieja Loca wrote...a marriage counselor, the professional independent third party appointment to help sort this out, is in order. You have every right to be concerned about this as your marriage is still relatively new and in the honeymoon phase.

One thing you did not share is if this is something new or has he been like this all along and you are just now noticing? My guess is it is new or you wouldn't have spent enough time together to discuss and decide to marry. Look for an outside influencer.

I think it is a consensus that a marriage counselor is needed! However, with the different type of backgrounds you come fron, you are probably more likely to be open to that and he might shy away from it. So, do what I did...get help for yourself and really understand what it is you need and want in your marriage and how to approach him in a way that can generate conversation and compromise. I especially suggest this before children are involved! I went through divorcebusting.com for great info andindividual therapy... or you can find someone who has a great reputation for saving marriage and will work with only you. Also be careful of involving your family too much in you and your husband's issues...then he will really run! Good luck!