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I cannot believe it. It has been revealed to me today that my husband is in the midst of an affair after he just told me that he had one with another woman 3yrs ago (see need encouragement post). The thing with this one, it's still new, started July 3rd, and he says he loves her and that she loves him. It is with a woman from our church. She and her husband went on a mission trip with my husband and a bunch of others, and became close down there. I did not get to go because I stayed home with the kids so he could go. She has left her husband and filed for divorce already. I am still committed to my marriage, why I sometimes wonder. Once again, he says he is done with me, has no feelings for me and is currently still living here because of our 4 yr old daughter, not because I have asked him to stay. My fear is that before I had a glimmer of hope, but now that I have discovered this affair he won't even discontinue communication with her. Even when the pastor that we counsel with and that he respects asks him to. I am really beside myself and am feeling pretty degraded right now. We have been married for 6 yrs and together for 10 yrs. I just keep turning to God for guidance and pray that he will convict my husband and make him realize what he's going to miss out on once it doesn't work out with her. Any advice, guidance or words of wisdom? I just sick to my stomach.
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Welcome to MB, sorry you have to be here. You are not alone we know the pain and hurt you're going thru.
Please calm and be strong. There's hope, no matter how ugly it may looks right now. Read MB site, not only the boards, and if you can buy the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley.
I say read because IT REALLY HELPS. Continue to post and ask, vent whatever you need to. THere's great people here who will advice and support you.
Do follow MB principals to try to save your Marriage, please read about plan A. Very hard to do but very important. PLAN A now.
- Show him how good your home can be.
- EXPOSE the Affair to anyone that can help you and that he listens to, Family, friends, etc.
- Be the best of yourself for your self, take good care of you. ( I know it's hard but, please, eat, frink lots of water, and sleep as much as you can.)
Side advice, Don't let your WH blame you for HIS Affair.
Don't take it to heart when he says"Don't love you anymore" The OW is my soulmate", etc, He's in FOG.
No matter how many problems or for how long your relationship could have been "not so good" -(he will tell you this even if you had a good M) - but in no situation justifies the Affair.
Be strong, you're not alone. Keep posting. Hope some experts will chime in.
d-Day- jan2006
Me 38, WH, 36
Children-8 and 10
status: slow, slow, recovery...
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Post deleted by IFeelLikeAFool
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I appreciate all of the encouraging and enlightening words. This forum has really helped to put things into perspective and encouraged me tremendously. I keep telling myself that if he stays with her eventually the crush phase will come to an end and that he will start to realize what he had wasn't that bad. The only thing with that, is that she has no kids, so she can spend all of her time with him. That's a big part of the downfall of our marriage. I wrapped a lot of time up in the kids. The realization and anger is still new. His other affair from 3 yrs ago, I was able to work through and get a sense of closure, but I think that's because he doesn't have any contact with her and God convinced her that she needed to be in her marriage. This one is so hard because she didn't get, or has yet to get, any conviction from God and filed for divorce immediately. Thus, making it easier for him to run to her. I keep giving it to God, the hard part is leaving it there. I have been taking care of myself as much as possible. Every morning I get up, I spend quality time in the Bible and praying, and then I go work out. If nothing else, my selfish nature tells me that I'm going to lose weight, feel good about myself and show him what he's going to lose out on. Granted the OW is extremely thin, but she is not healthy either. She has a lot of health issues. I just keep trying to be positive and I tell myself that IF it doesn't work out, God has someone so much more better for me. Thank you so much for your prayers. I really hope that I can make it through this long up hill battle, because I believe the award God has for me at the end will be well worth it.
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One other question I have, is there any hope if still communicates with the OW? Right now, I know that even though both myself and the pastor have asked for his own spiritual benefit to discontinue communications, even says he can't because of the "friendship", closeness, and the openness they have in their conversations with each other. I know, I know, Trust in God. He will take care of everything in his time.
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Post deleted by IFeelLikeAFool
Last edited by IFeelLikeAFool; 07/24/06 12:20 PM.
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If he's still having contact with the OW and shows no remorse or regret, you won't make much headway.
Right now he has a comfortable place to stay -- your house -- and he's getting other needs met from the OW. He's got the best of both worlds.
Hardlesson
BS: Me (41)
FWW: XW (40)
Children: Three daughers (2, 10, 13)
DDay: 6/3/2006
M: 19 years
Divorced: 10/4/2006
Out of the valley of dispair and working my way back up the mountain.
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"This one is so hard because she didn't get, or has yet to get, any conviction from God and filed for divorce immediately."
Oh, please. Now I'm sick to my stomach.
Stay in a good Plan A. Be calm and collected and happy. This thing won't last - it is from Satan.
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I totally agree with you. He told me last night that right now for his own "spiritual" benefit he is going to move out. He plans on moving in with his sister, who is not Christian, but is clear across town from the OW. I found out that she has moved to my side of town. I pray for my own benefit that I never run into her. I don't know how I might react. I told him that he has not thought of anyone but himself in the situation and he fully agrees. I pray that for the sake of his daughter if nothing else, that he get some serious professional help to weed through his deep dark issues. He needs to overcome this selfishness if he wants to be a good father. I am going to seek counseling immediately to help me through the pain. Not only have I lost my husband but my best friend as well. I pray and have all of my friends and family praying that God will break him. He needs to experience that brokeness from God in order to come out his fog thinking. Just remember us in your thoughts and prayers, and that I can grow strong in my relationship with God. I have to be there for my girls now. They are what is important to me. I am not giving up hope because I know that with God all things are possible, but I cannot consume/waste my time trying to get him to see how much I love him and am committed. Only God can do that. I do hope that he realizes that statistics show that the majority of the relationships w/the OP do not work out. I have already told him that I will always be his friend and that I would hope he would turn to me in that capacity should he ever need it.
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ashymom,
Hang in there. I know your pain is great and tears into you. What makes the pain so great, is you are losing your most trusted confidant and friend -- the person to whom you were most vulnerable. It is hard. It is sad.
But always remember, you didn't deserve this. Despite whatever EN were not being met inside the marriage, you don't deserve this.
Be strong for your girls, lean on friends, and don't be afraid to lock yourself in a room and let go occasionally. It is most important that you make good decisions.
I told my WS that right now I couldn't be her friend, but I would be there in case of emergency. That is the best I could do.
Good luck. Take it day to day.
Hardlesson
BS: Me (41)
FWW: XW (40)
Children: Three daughers (2, 10, 13)
DDay: 6/3/2006
M: 19 years
Divorced: 10/4/2006
Out of the valley of dispair and working my way back up the mountain.
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Thank you so much for the encouragement. I came home tonight and the realization is hitting hard. He has started packing things. It's starting to look empty. I think ultimately what I want is for him to acknowledge how much he has hurt me and show some concern when I'm sobbing. It's like looking into a shark's black eyes when I talk to him. Taking it day by day and surrendering it all to God. Thanks again.
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soo sorry to read your post. I know exactly how you are feeling. I found out 3 months ago. I'm still sick to my stomach at times. Have you gotten Dr. Harleys book, Surviving an Affair? It was the best thing I ever did. It was the only book that really helped! And I read several!!!
Give it a read, if you haven't already. It gives great comfort, support and concrete steps to getting through this unthinkable nightmare!
me- BS 35
FWH- 33
0 children
1st D-Day 4/23/06
A never really ended...
H still worked with OW
2nd D-Day 8/26/06
OW left job
3rd D- Day, 9/23/06
Started MC with SH 9/20/06
Completed about 10 sessions
Working on Recovery!
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Yes, I have gotten that book and Dr. Dobson's Love Must Be Tough. With my husband now moved out, all I have time for is reading, when the kids are not around. I just pray that he will want to reconcile and then I will feel that the books are helping. I hate feeling so helpless. I haven't talked to or seen him for 2 days straight and it's killing me. Even when he would go away for a few days for business before, I always heard from him. I need to be strong.
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ashymom,
My prayers are with you.
Stay healthy. Get sleep. Read. Pray. Exercise. Lean on healthy friends. Cry. Make wise choices.
God bless.
Hardlesson
BS: Me (41)
FWW: XW (40)
Children: Three daughers (2, 10, 13)
DDay: 6/3/2006
M: 19 years
Divorced: 10/4/2006
Out of the valley of dispair and working my way back up the mountain.
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Posts: 106
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Ashy,
You still out there?
HL
Hardlesson
BS: Me (41)
FWW: XW (40)
Children: Three daughers (2, 10, 13)
DDay: 6/3/2006
M: 19 years
Divorced: 10/4/2006
Out of the valley of dispair and working my way back up the mountain.
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Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 16
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Just a little update on life. It has been an interesting uphill battle. A week ago I found all of the cards and love letters from my husband's first A. That killed me. Then after getting our cell phone bill I told him that we needed to have separate plans. In doing this the cell company was confirming the billing address with me and gave me the OW's address (which I didn't know until now). So, supposedly he is living with his sister, but I can guarantee that's a cover-up to his other family members. I'm just waiting to see how much longer until he files for divorce. I have good days and bad days, but for the most part I am handling things pretty well. I have taken several steps to prepare myself for D, and to start moving forward with my life. Thank you all for your continued prayers. I know God will pull me and my girls through this and I will be the bigger person in the end.
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Ashy -- Do you know the Marriage Builders Plans?? Are you in Plan A?? There are so many things you could be doing right now -- have you exposed his affair?? I think this will help you (from Ark^^) I hope some others find comfort from the storm...
Your spouse is in huge conflict....
the good news is and the truth is that they are totally incapable of a healthy relationship with anyone right now...
the competition we believe that exist with the OP is a shallow empty reflection of Gods light in this world...
It is empty and lonely no matter how good the rush
their actions are actions that they themselves do not like in themselves right now....though the need to go back again again and attempt to prove themselves wrong or right is strong...they do not like what they are doing...
their actions towards you, the children, the OP, and themselves...keep them from engaging in any type of real interactions...with real depth and truth
all they offer are misguided attempts to fill the void that has appeared in their life...
yet the filling is way too fleeting to sustain them and the truth is with them each night he or she lays down regardless of whom is next to them....
they are the living cliche..of no matter where you go to hide...there YOU are...
he or she is lost to themselves...
and you stand at that point of being the lighthouse home....even though they create the waves that block their vision from seeing that...
You become the lighthouse..you fill your home with light, calmness and sanctuary...
see just visualize yourself as a lighthouse...
Your offer them glimpses into that sanctuary at every chance you get...
you invite them towards it...let them know it is there as much as you can in a most subtle way....
they are untrustable right now...
but you know that...so they can't hurt you right now...they will spend great energy to convince others differently...but you know better...
you show the path by also protecting the children from their painful actions.....
set clear boundaries that the OP is not part of your childrens lives....
without lovebusting...
offer alternatives that let them see the children...but be clear that the OP is to have no access to them...
you fill the childrens lives with stability....they deserve it and need it more than anything else....
Do not discuss and or powerstruggle with them on irrational movements...seek out and validate the rational ones with lots of praise for when he or she chooses correctly....
your spouse is very lonely and sad right now..but that is OK...no one can stay very long in that chaos...it is wearisome to the soul...
and remove yourself from any aspect of participating or adding to the chaos...and eventually they will see that you are the only one...who stood with clarity and reason when they needed it most...
be the lighthouse.... and this should help you (from Pepperband) The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A
The carrot of Plan A
Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.
Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.
Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.
Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.
Stop lovebusting behaviors.
Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.
Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.
Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.
Offering forgiveness and understanding.
The stick of Plan A
Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.
Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.
Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.
Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.
Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.
Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.
Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.
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