WAT,

I know your situation. Once it became clear to you that there was no way to save your marriage and you let go, how long did it take until you felt "good" again?

For anybody else:

Same question.

Of course, this will vary a lot from person to person.

It didn't take me too long.

I learned a lesson from myself from recovering from the loss of my son - approaching 7 years ago. I still miss him every day, but my recovery from that loss was unwittingly promoted during our struggles to save him. We all worked our asses off - including OM and his family - to do everything humanly possible to cure his cancer. I spent hours and hours absorbing all the info I could get my hands on about his disease to be able to question the docs during the day to day medical interactions. My XW and I rewrote the book on parental care during child bone marrow transplants. Bottom line - when he finally died, I was guilt free. I knew I did everything I could have done. Further, based on my self education about his disease, I understood why he was stricken. He was unlucky. There was nothing anyone could have done to prevent it.

I applied this same approach to fighting for my marriage starting 10 months later. My wife made the decision to have an affair, to separate by leaving the family home, to file for divorce, and to follow it through all the way. Each step of the way I made it clear that I wanted to save our family. I researched this "disease" as vervently as I did my son's. I applied MB principles and any others that fit to the best of my ability. When the divorce was finally done, I exited guilt free. I knew I did everything I could have done. MB and this forum were instrumental to me.

The icing on the cake for me came when my XW and OM got married 5 months after our divorce (4 months after OM's divorce). All the remaining proof I needed that they were both complete nut jobs. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> A month after that I met the love of my life. We've been inseparable since. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

The difference between recovering from loss of my son and loss of my marriage is that I still do not understand fully why my marriage wasn't recovered - and whether the disease could have been prevented. It still bothers me - probably because unlike the loss of my son, it involved choices. But as every day passes, I feel more and more fortunate that it wasn't recovered. I'm happier now than I can remember ever being in my life. The only sadness is for my surviving son who has had to twice recover as well.

Hope this helps.

WAT
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Starve a mosquito - donate blood and platelets.

Yes, it does. Thank you very much. I had the impression from reading your posts that you were unusually well-versed not only in the application of MB principles, but in the philosophy behind them as well.

When my father had his heart attack 9 years ago, I took the same approach as you did with your son. I did so much research on heart disease and treatments that I almost felt ready to be a consultant on the subject. I looked into all sorts of experimental surgeries and queried my father's doctors until I was satisfied with the answers I got. In the end, he succumbed to the disease and it devastated me, but I realized that everything reasonable had been done that could be done.

And so it is with my marriage.

The issue of accepting one's inability to recover a marriage and the failure in understanding why it occurred is one that will bother me as well.

WAT,

This is a hypothetical question, but if you hadn't met the love of your life after all that, do you think your recovery would have taken longer or been any different?

I'm not saying that it should be, and in my case my WxH is not with anyone, but he may be one day.

Just curious, because sometimes what sets my recovery back is when I notice that the WS seem to go on with life without skipping a beat, while the BS is still picking up pieces - alone.

I felt good as soon as I told him I wanted a D. It was a huge weight off of my shoulders. I'd wrestled with the decision for almost a year. I knew I'd done my best.

I was very worried about finances, but I soon realized that exH was blowing much more of my $ than I had guessed. Finances worked out fine.

I only felt bad that I hadnt ended the M sooner. - Dru

ps: no children

Hiker,

I think that the problem that Wat and you have described affects a lot of us here on MB. We are information seekers....problem solvers. We examine a problem and if there are viable solutions or alternatives, we never give up hope. We look at our WS and think 95% of what I fell in love with is still there. I know I am still here....let's fix that last 5%....I have the blueprint, directions instructions right here. I just know this is fixable.

Sadly, sometimes it IS unfixable.

A fair question, nev.

Assuming I hadn't met another "love of my life" (how many can there be? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> ) I think I'd certainly be less happy today.

But I think I was "recovered" by that time sufficiently to be able to attract a well grounded woman. I had re-established my positive outlook on life. I was just lucky enough to meet her no sooner.

Over a month sooner and it may have turned out differently - because my XW and OM got married just a month sooner. This was really a turning point for me. Not only did it slam the door shut on any post divorce reconciliation possibilities, but it solidified my assessment that she was whacked out beyond all repair. Why marry anyone when being married obviously meant nothing a few months earlier? And why marry a known adulterer? Duh! And why marry this particular OM - her former best friend's H? Can you say "f_____'d up"?

And - get this - my new lady pointed to what my XW had done and found it easier to conclude I was not the problem. After all, everyone will wonder who the real bad guy was in a divorce. My XW handed me the best divorce present she possibly could. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

WAT

Drucilla,

Thank you for your post. I've heard others say that once they made a decision they felt a great sense of relief.

Cymanca,



Very insightful. You've pretty much pegged my approach to this problem.

I've spent a lot of time digging for answers and searching for clues in books, magazines, the internet, other people, etc. Human behavior is so incredibly complex that you can find a dozen or more theories for even the simplest emotional reaction.

One of the more disappointing aspects of a situation like this is being able to see where it will lead to but being unable to affect the outcome.

WAT - Thank you for your honest answer. What a terrible experience for you. I'm glad that you found someone.

I am fine not being in a relationship, but I much prefer it. I don't enjoy the initial thrill of infatuation as much as I do the kind of love that has grown over time & effort. I'll admit that without that my life is a little less happy. Maybe I will find it again some day.

Cymanca - Your words were spot on for me. I am definitely a problem solver and a researcher, or as my Father lovingly said, a nerd disguised as a barbie doll. I was determined to research the problem and find the potential solutions, weigh the pros and cons of each, and then pursue the best solution (or combination or variant thereof) with the highest probability of success. I still believe things could have been fixed, although it may not have been easy. However, nothing can be fixed if your spouse is unwilling to make a real effort or keeps repeating the mistakes of the past.

To carry your theory further, do you think the opposite of that tendency -- the lack of a tendency to find a positive solution to a problem -- is what causes some WS to choose an A as opposed to choosing to fix the marriage?

Neverthesame,


In answer your question" What causes some WS to chose an A..."

1. The WS knows that they can never again be looked on as the Knight in Shining Armor or Cinderella. They now carry the scar of adultery BUT ONLY in their M. So they find a new R were they can still pretend to be. Fantasyland dies!

2. They know that the strength of the M is on what they consider the wrong side of the equation, the BS. They can not deal with not having the upper hand. Inequality of power!

3.They look at what they have done and like the BS before the A, can not see themselves forgiving an A. So why spend years trying to overcome the unforgivable.

4.They can not face the look of pain that they are responsible for on the BS's face for one minute, let alone the rest of their lives. Responsibility!

5.They would have to face their friends and family and admit that the cr$ppy things that they spouted were indeed big, fat lie. Honesty!

Well spoken! It's the concept of "cognitive dissonance". We can only live with psychological imbalance for so long before something has to "give". That "give" comes from changing beliefs and/or behaviors. As humans, we will most often chose the path of least resistance, least energy required. That path may look like a living "he11" to someone else....lacking in all logic...but the things you've pointed out show that it might be an easier path afterall.

My exWS was a recovering alcoholic/addict. I was with him for two years prior to him getting in and staying in Recovery. I look back and know part of the reason I stayed those two years. I kept on getting glimpses of the wonderful man I knew was inside him, underneath all that addiction. I knew he was inside there somewhere. It was a matter of how to get him to come out!

Obviously, I couldn't! Only he could do that. Which he did finally. And, our life together became wonderful..not problem free, but workable.

I felt the same way when my exWS was having his affair. In fact, I thought he had started using again! The behaviors were all there. You know, that "fog talking alien" we all have met?! I kept hanging in because I just knew what a great guy there was inside there somewhere! I'd seen him turn things around before when all looked hopeless. But, he didn't. Promises, promises, lies and more lies, often believable because addicts/alcoholics can look you in the face and lie through their teeth. If not believable, at least confusing!

And to this day, I don't know what happened that he got clean and sober. And, I don't know what happened that he chose an affair, saying all the while that he loved me, wanted to be with me, etc. Never once did he say he was in love with the OW and wanted to be with her. He is with her, has been for 4 years. She got pregnant during the affair. So, he's also with their 4 year old son. He still calls once in awhile talking about wanting to be with me. Just like when he was drunk and/or using.

And, it frustrates the crap out of me to not know "why"!...really "Why"? And I'll never know......

I agree with Cymanca. I see two basic reasons:

1. Assuming burnout between the affairees hasn't occurred, the emotional pull of the affair is so difficult to resist. The "in love" state that Pittman talks about suppresses any effort at clear thinking. That isn't to say that all WSs do not know what the right thing to do is. Many know what they should do, they just can't manage to overcome the emotions that drive them to the OP.

2. After burnout, or when the fog has lifted, the simple answer is that it just looks easier to the WS to scrap the marriage for all the reasons Cymanca listed and more. Some think they will never be trusted again. Some rationalized the affair by creating or exaggerating marital problems and came to believe them so fervently that they felt the marriage was doomed to fail with or without the affair. (It is interesting that Pittman found that 75% of the time divorces resulting from infidelity came from marriages that were "serviceable" before the affair and were in fact destroyed by the affair itself.)

Among the more interesting findings of Dr. Glass and others is that people seldom leave their spouses because of marital problems other than infidelity. Only 10% of all couples who divorce do so because of marital issues other than infidelity. A whopping 90% of all divorces involve infidelity among one or both partners.

One interpretation of that is that few people ever leave a marriage unless they have someone else to run to.

....or some are unwilling to look in the mirror and acknowledge making mistakes. It's easier and safer to hunker down in fortress mentality rather than eat humble pie.

JMHO

WAT