My WH recently moved out, and we are not speaking, except for regarding finances or our DS (Plan B). I have set up an appointment with a lawyer this afternoon to set up a legal separation agreement. Is this the right move? I feel that we must both accept the consequences of our actions. Mine are to live without the love and support of a H that I have loved for 15 years. I'm not sure if WH is living with any consequences. I'm not trying to punish anyone here, but I'm not really sure what his plans are and I want to ensure the safety and security of my son. I'm afraid that WH will take this as a show that I want a D. I have told him face to face and emailed him that I do not want a D. I'm confused as to how to proceed and am second guessing my actions in this matter. I need to ensure the care of my son, and myself during this time. I am not harboring any delusions that WH will come running back, and am fully prepared for what may come next. I'm willing to lose him, but I want him to realize that I still love him. I don't want him to think that I am turning my back on him, but I need to protect what I have control over. I guess I'm looking for

#1 an answer to is this the right move (legal separation agreement)

#2 is there hope for reconciliation once something like this happens? (any stories of getting this far and returning to be together -- some hope, maybe)

#3 what others have experienced in terms of reaction to legal dealings with their WS.

Any words of wisdom will be helpful.

IMHO this is absolutely the right move.

I always recommend this to BSs as soon as the WS moves out and in preps for Plan B. It settles a lot of communication that otherwise may have to happen and deals consequences as you have already stated.

To counter the "WH will take this as a show that I want a D" I suggest you make an affirmative statement right in the agreement that you do not want a divorce and sought this agreement solely to specify individual responsibilites. Your goal is to reconcile as soon as your terms specified in your Plan B letter are met.

Totally agree with WAT. I, like a fool, filed for a D, to accomplish this. I should have just filed a legal seperation, and thought about things a little more.

At the time I guess I thought D was the way to go, as WH didn't, still hasn't, admitted he is in an A. Now I regret doing so.

Guess it's too late to go back.

Thanks for that. I will let lawyer know that I want to enter an affirmative statement that divorce is not what I'm seeking, but an agreement on responsibilty.

I feel a bit lost in all of this, and as all have said her at one time or another, I never expected things to go this far. I'm sort of living the same path as another poster here (LLG), but am a bit farther down the road. I never established boundaries, and had the commitment to 'try' from WH. Now I'm in Plan B, and do feel a sense of peace that I am working toward recovery. When/IF WH decides to return, things will be much different. I am starting to believe that I will be okay, no matter the outcome.

Temp,

Your questions are the same ones I asked myself when I filed for the LS. In my state a LS is just like a divorce without the final decree. Once I filed the LS, my EXWH bcame mad and counterfiled with the divorce action. I let my WH know I didn't want a divrce and I held that stand up until the day of the divorce hearing. I never expected that but it happened. But I will tell you something everyone told me divorce is only a piece of paper and if thats the only way to protect yourself and your children what choice do you have left. There have been many stories on here of divorce happening and after a time the EXWS realizes their mistakes and does everything to make things right. Many have remarried and are happy now.

Do what you have to do to protect you and your children. I went through months of sheer he!! because I was afraid to do it and it hurt me finacially. Be proactive for you and if one day your WS wants to come back they will respect the fact you did everything to protect your family.

Wishing you the best,

Hurting

Hurting,
I have followed your story, and I admire your strength. Thank you so much for chiming in. I do recognize that my WH may take this as a sign that it is time to head for D. I am now making choices to safety my son and myself. WH has made mention too many times about how much he wants to keep 'his' home, never to mention his W or DS in the same breath.

I'm a little depressed, the AD's help, but I find myself wanting to sleep. I counteract with housecleaning, mowing our 2 acres, playing with son, swimming, being with the dogs, playing fetch. I feel a bit detached right now, but am able to move forward and do what needs to be done.

Temp

temp,

You know the one big thing I have learned from all of this is we only have ourselves to count on. Our WS'S are brain dead and not sure of anything. to be honest with you I still don't think mine really wanted the divorce but felt he was in so deep with no way out. The OW also was pushing and demanding he prove his sick love for her.

Well he got what he thought he wanted and now things are not so happy in affair land. He is stressing over the money he has to pay out to me and attorney's. He is supposedly looking for a second job to make it. Life isn't as rosy as he thought it would be. Paying alimony, attorney fees, raising our 16 yr old son without CS from me and of course the OW and her DD needing his time and money.

Well one thing for sure now is my time for me. Time for me to enjoy life and do what I want to do. He was the one who wanted the freedom but I am the only one who truly has freedom. I was lucky I suppose I made it through this whole mess without the help of AD'S there were days though I could have used them.

I know i am rambling here but just letting you know life can and will be good again for you.

So in a nutshell I am saying let WH do what he thinks he needs to do because believe me when reality hits him it won't be pretty. In the meantime you have protected yourself and your child. The odds are him and the OW will not last longterm no matter if you divorce or not. the biggest worry he will have is Will you stillwant him when he gets his head extracted from is butt.

Best wishes ,

Hurting

Butt-head extraction in progress!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I do sometimes take a view of things as being 'freedom' from all of this he!!, and that helps me to focus. I'm not doing the 'Que sera, sera' thing, but I am letting MY life take over. I'm feeling stronger, and more purpose driven. The legality is separate from how I would like for things to be, and WH knows this. I'm beginning to feel that being without him may be the right move; that scares me a bit, as I really do not want to end my M, but it is what I feel right now.

I wish things had progressed differently, and this will be a great shock to WH, but he needs to understand that MY life goes on too

.

I'm working on acceptance that the big D may be the end result here, and that it is not the end of the world. I have looked on the Divorce page just to see how people have progressed there, and my goal is to catch up on peoples stories over the next month or so. It is hard to accept, but I must see this as an 'option' for myself and my WH.

I saw my lawyer this past week, set up legal separation agreement and i'm waiting for the rough draft to make changes and send for final draft. I'm finding a sense of peace that I did not have with H in the home, and am finding that I made the right decision in letting him go. I cannot change the framework of his mind and how he has changed. I don't really hold any true hope that he will suddenly realize how horrible he has been and come home to reconcile. I think of him often, and it always hurts, as I think of how he used to be and long for that H.

I'm doing well, but am a wreck in need of repair. I'm working on that. This is the first visitation weekend for my son since H left (H already messed up and made plans Friday night, even though he was supposed to come pick son up that evening), and I'm looking forward to the time to be with myself and find some stillness.

I guess I wonder who has been in this place (Plan B, separation agreement, assuming he wants D), and has recovered their marriage? It seems like a deep hole that it too tough to claw our way out of. It's very disheartening to know that someone can hurt others so badly and not feel remorse or show any manner of appreciation for their BS giving the M a try. I never got hugs of comfort or even admission of guilt for doing something 'wrong'.

I'm wondering who here has gone to Plan B and recovered? I'm mostly in Plan B now, but am waiting until after the Separation aggreement is signed and delivered and any deliberation is complete before completely going silent. I hear H voice and it takes me two steps back. Emails send me two steps back, even though they are only re: DS or finances. I'm mourning the loss of my M, my family, and I'm feeling very sad today. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I'm not afraid, but I'm lost. I feel like I'm treading water today, and I'm tired. I still sometimes can't believe that this person is someone I loved; and I have no idea who this harmful man is anymore; he's not the man I love.

That would be me.

Celebrating my 30 year wedding anniversary this weekend.

Celebrating 3 years of recovery Sept. 06.

Legal separation agreement signed May 03...Recovery Sept O3... after PLAN B....

On the day LS Agreement was signed..H said: "face it..it's over"....

I believed him at the time and thought it was "over"....

I bumped up a Thoughts from FBWes thread that you might find to be helpful...

Mimi,
Thank you so much. I needed to just be heard today, and have someone tell me not to let go of the thread that still lies between H and me. It's going to be a shock when he receives Separation agreement. My lawyer asked me if I wanted to deliver the papers myself, and I have been deliberating. I believe that it is best for him to receive them from lawyer without any warning, if you will. This is the reality, and he's been avoiding it. Not for punishment, but for a hand coming through the fog. Any suggestions would be openly received. thank so much for your help and story.

Mimi.. When you signed separation papers... did your H move out? Were you physically separate during those months? How did that work out for you?

Yep. H had moved out into a condo that he had purchased. In fact, by the end of the A, he had moved in with her.. leaving the condo empty...trying to make the A work..from my understanding..

We now rent the condo out. He calls it his "albatross"...

I was in the darkest PLAN B as I could manage...IT WAS HARD AS HE!!

I proceeded to sell our "dream house" the first day that it was on the market... July 03...that was my H's first attempt to contact me after two months of PLAN B..

The rest is history...

Mimi,
Wow! I have to say that I have already begun to emerge from the dark. I'm moving toward self discovery and protection. I am a little worried about thinking about the bad things that H has done, or even behaviors that I have never appreciated and focusing on those. I find myself doubting that I even ever loved him, I guess because the horrendous monster that has replaced him is clouding me. He was, once, the love of my life. He would grab my hand, always liked to touch. He would make everything lighter. Now he's a large wet blanket, and I was suffocating. I look forward to not hearing about him, or from him. How long did it take before your FWH contacted you about recovery during your Plan B? How did he contact you?

Oh, and also, I appreciate the bump of the post 'Thoughts from FBW's'. I haven't read all, but the most important messages from you and others recovering. It's good to know that my sich is sooo much like others, and even if I do end up with a D, I will recover, and feel at peace inside again.

tempinsanity - I just want you to know that I wasn't trying to steal your thread from you. It's just that Mimi's story made me do some thinking, and I wanted to know how 'serious' her H seemed and acted about the separation.

I hope things go well for you.

Mimi - Thanks for the story. I guess, sometimes WS will say one thing, but they just think they are serious. Hmm.