You may have seen my other thread today.

I'm asking for the opinions of men to chime in on this issue.

My story is below. When my H had his 2- As (1PA and 2 EA), I talked to him how about how it hurt me. I made a few little request of things I'd like for him to do that would make me feel comfortable. However I didn't make a full recovery plan with him. I have hit on some things here and there and probably too often, I tried to add as we went along but never really established boundaries, recovery plan and so on.

Anywho, it is months later. What I should've done I've tried to now go back and do, b'cause of certain things that have happend such as his ex GF trying to re-contact him, him not being accountable for time at times, and so on.

I've contracted a STD. I explained this to him and asked him to be tested. He hasn't made and followed through with an appointment. And it has been weeks now. I asked him to allow me to make the appointment. He would not. Said he would do it.

Anywho, along with our marital issues I have a spending problem which he has now appraoched me about for like the third time.

After not getting anywhere with him on writing an NC email to his ex that had been a problem with us recently, I held out on SF. This has been ongoing between us after the As. Before we used to quite regularly. But I became very uninterested and my libido is up an down since the first one.

Anyway, I feel he isn't doing as I would like so I'm not complying to any SF advances.

As a man would you feel this (no SF) is controlling you? Also, I've listed some important issues that I would like to have addressed. As a man how would you prefer your wife bring these issues to you? Thank you.

bump

Should I assume you contracted the STD from him and he from his affair?

If this is correct, isn't he being tested a moot point?

I'm not an STD expert, so maybe there's something I'm missing.

On its face - yes. But I guess there may be very good reasons to hold this hostage and I hope I would be able to acknowledge those assuming my spouse explained them. It would be unwarranted controlling, IMHO, if the reason was trivial. But this would speak volumes about the poor state of the relationship.

IMHO, any woman whose H was/is in an affair ought to with hold SF AT LEAST until STD testing is complete and shows negative results. That's not controlling. That's a no brainer.

WAT

NOT having sex till he gets tested

is a LIFE issue...

and you SHOULD NOT have sex with him till he is tested...

now...
my other opinion is that sex never was
never should
be used as a weapon....

need for sexual initimacy should not be compartalmentalized and diminished in to a powerstruggle or an "object" given as a reward...or taken as a punishment...

it sets up a cascade...

his need for intimacy....
your need for honesty...

it all becomes relegated to tools..

you with-hold sex
he'll with hold honesty...

and both feels entitled to do so...

the bigger picture of healing and rebuilding is learning to communicate and act on needs...

not punish and hold them hostage to one another...

that's my opinion...

ARK^^

If you had said you were witholding SF due to STDs and him getting tested, no problem. But to withold SF as a tit for tat kind of thing is childish. He wiil probably go elsewhere, especially since his old GF has contacted him.

Your call. You can only control yourself.

Thanks for your opinion. I appreicate it.

Ok, ark. So, what do I do? If this was your scenario and you got past the testing, how would you like for your W to handle the matter or discuss it with you?

Up until I denied him SF he wouldn't really here me. Not the way I wanted him to anyway. He would let the matter go
as if I hadn't said anything. We at least talked about it more. I got a chane to hear more of why he reacts the way he does.

Also, he isn't trying to hold me accoutnable for the financial issue. Of course, I know I can hold myself accountable and intend to. When he left our home 2day and came back he tells me, Well I'm taking 1 of the credit cards. The others are on the table. I just told him I am having problems like an addict with these. And in particular when I'm stressed and right now I am. Does he care about our future or is he ready to just get past me or just let me do whatever? What would you do if your S is overspending and you both need to earn each other's trust?

LLG,

Is this witholding because of the STD testing, or is it because of these other issues you raise?

Standing in His presence

I would drop asking him to hold you accountable for YOUR spending..

what you are saying is dear husband I want you to control me....even though we all know he can't ...just as you can't control him....

I would change my language with him....
and discuss using him as a support...

the one you turn to when you feel like overspending...
the first one you turn to....

so he feels like he can and does help you...not handing him cards and saying here babysit me....

ARK

Just for clarification, since you'd not answered this question directly, I'm going to pose it to you...directly.

You DID get the STD from your H as a result of his A, yes?

I've got to agree with some of the other people here...if you're witholding SF just to 'get his attention'...wrong way of going about it.

He could see this as 'justification' for going outside of the M seeking to have that need fulfilled. Not the right choice of course...but this opens that door as a way he might think.

Also....WHY are you witholding SF? In your own words...why are you doing it? Are you witholding from fulfilling any other EN's at the same time?

Do YOU truly think he'll be able to follow, understand, and agree with your reasoning for this?

Personally, I'd suggest that you make this CRYSTAL clear to him. Here is what I need from you to make this marriage work...what are YOUR needs? (ala EN Questionairre)

And make it clear to him what the risks are if he cannot meet those needs...what are you TRULY willing to do in order for him to get the message?

If he doesn't start meeting these needs...what's your plan? Just witholding SF isn't going to work...what you need to do is to make sure that you know what your TRUE limits are and what you'll accept...and what you'll do if they're NOT met.

Then clearly, to the point communicate those to him in unmistakeable 'man talk'. Remember men and women communicate differently. Sum up what you want to say to him in 3-5 sentences...and say them. Don't build up to them like you might if you were communicating to a lady friend...guys only hear the BLUF (bottom line up front) kind of communications for the most part.

Witholding SF until he meets these other needs isn't likely to work. Making it clear to him that he stands to lose you completely might. The first feels like blackmail...the second makes the 'punishment' fit the 'crime'. It makes it appear as a true boundary of what you're willing to accept in your relationship with him.

Make sense?

Owl, thanks for your reply.


In what words were your refering to? I'm doing it b/c I feel he is taking me for granted. I feel disrespected especially with him refusing to send NC email to GF that has been texting him on my #. ANd not taking STD test.


I do believe I did from my H's first A. THe one I have can lie dormant for soem time. The reason I believe I have is b/c I had already contracted one from him. During our R and M I hadn't been with anyone but him and since.

I asked him if he had been with anyone else. I had a smidgen of doubt but didn't look any deeper into the matter. Nor did I have an STD test. I just went with it. Thought maybe it was something from somone before us. Then I found out months later about OW.


I agree.

Communicate in 3-5 sentences. Oh, good grief this will take work to practice. Thanks for the tip.