Sorry for the extra thread, I just really need some help right now, and I can't change the title on my old thread anymore (it's gone on too long).

Here's my normal thread:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...=0&fpart=18


Very short catch-up (no need to read the whole thread) .... H had a 3-month A this year, NC due to OW being fired as of mid-june. No other women (I'm watching very closely).

We've been in MC but haven't been in a month due to MC being on vacation, and haven't made much progress there, anyway. We have terrible communication skills, I am not good at opeing my mouth or sharing my feelings, and H has resorted to just cursing or sending me messages through the kids. We spend almost no time together, and have no recovery plan or anyting really in place other than NC.

The whole weekend story is on my thread, but in short, just more cursing and arguing and dissmissiveness, and I had a melt-down that was witnessed in part by by my DD and my H.

I'm at a breaking point and don't know if I need to hold it together a little longer or throw in the towel.

We have a conversation scheduled for tonight, and I'm going to make it happen. I'd be VERY appreciative of any help before then. Am I even on the right track????

Thanks.
-AmI.

When things were better, what was the one thing you did that always had a positive reaction from him?

Physical Touch -- foot rubs, back rubs, etc.
Domestic Support -- clean house, laundry done, dinner made and taken to him, parenting, etc.
Financial Support -- he's the primary breadwinner, but I contribute almost as much, so he likes the extra money.
Recreational Companionship -- loves us all to go "play" out in the woods together.

I haven't let up on any of these, except when he won't let me bring him dinner. Sometimes he jerks away now from physical touch, and sometimes he'll just come put his foot in my lap for a rub.

Bumping ... feeling pretty anxious and reactive -- not good!

Hi there.....please chere....(((((((((((AmIok))))))))))

Be still.

Take a deep breath.

Your ability to affect this situation in a rational way requires that you slow your breathing and calm down. You are afraid and hurt. Your husband is still very much in withdrawal. Since he has become abusive....I highly recommend establishing safety....and that may mean separation until his withdrawal and abuse is over.

You've got to get control of your emotions....women who are having panic attacks, constantly having R talks, and falling apart....especially in front of children...are NOT attractive. He has no right to speak to you the way he does....and if you put up with it for one more minute...that's insane.

My vote is to go to Plan B NOW...not september...but as soon as you can secure the finances. I do NOT suggest another R talk tonight!! Get your ducks in a row...get your letter written and don't give any ultimatums....just GET OFF the merry-go-round until you have a spouse whose ready to do the hard work of recovery after an affair. What you have right now is an abusive, still fogged, withdrawing spouse. And you....are too clingy and needy to engage him right now.

You're both doing terrible damage to this marriage....Plan B is to end that.

Call the Harleys and get guidance!!

Blessings and hugs!!

WHY do you have a conversation scheduled for tonight..

WHY NOT just have a lets sit together tonight...night???

why all the pressure...
why false hope in to productive conversations IF you know you aren't very good at communicating right now AND you aren't spending ANY time together...

why not..

have the house neat when he comes home...

have something good for dinner...
and something better for dessert..

have soft music playing...
a feeling of calm and safety over the home...

and why not smile when he comes in..
have clothes laid out on the bed for him to change in to..
a cool drink waiting...or a warm one if he prefers....

and smile at him..
tell him you are glad he is home...

and get rid of all the pressure...

why not....

why set yourself up for failure so that a nine pm you are posting how horribly the talk went..

why not NOT worry an iota about him...
but use this time to share YOUR feelings of things you DO admire about him....

just a thought....

ARK

Something to be said for that last post. I remember times in both my former M and my real M dreading the R talks. They are so emotionally draining. Can't that be a love buster in itself?

I once told my wife that I very much wanted to be her husband, but I had neither the strength or training to be her therapist and begged her to get IC. She did and it worked wonders.

Let it go and find something fun to do together. Put a moratorium on the heavy talks and go somewhere else, or tell us. Or better yet, stop worrying the sore tooth, or as my dad said when I was a kid, keep your fingers out of your eyes, it will only make it worse.

Find a way to cope that doesn't lean on someone who themselves are having trouble coping. He can't be your rock every moment.

I have often felt that I had to be the rock at all times, or else. Have you heard the song, "Superman" by Five for Fighting? If not, look up the lyrics on the Internet. Imagine that you were expected to be Superman every minute of every day.

Good luck, hugs, and prayers to both of you.

I'm not married (only on this site to learn about healthy relationships) but felt empathy for this issue.
My boyfriend started to pull away from me emotionally, become very distant, get irritated when I tried to help and wouldn't communicate except by cursing... I tried making him go to counseling, or church, or martial arts or anything. I offered to go with him. The more I pushed the worse it got. It turned out that he, unbeknownst to him, had severe depression and anxiety. So I had him start taking 5-HTP (a form of an amino acid that makes seratonin) and told him that he needed to start loving himself too, because just making an effort to make me happy and then always seeing me irriated (because all I saw was him being crabby) just snowballed things. I was crabby because he was crabby with himself (internally) and I pushed him to not be crabby which made him feel like he could do no right. The more he felt like he was trying to make me happy (because I was always irritated that things weren't perfect), the more he felt like I was unhappy and nagging all the time. That really tore down his ego and made him feel like less of a person. Once I realized that I was creating the very problem that I felt I was putting ALL my time, energy and effort into fixing, I stopped pushing and made an effort to acknowledge the smaller things he was doing to make me happy... things I had never noticed before. He is now voluntarily going to counceling, church and martial arts (alone) and is a completely different and much happier person. He is doing it for himself. Once I stopped putting the focus on what he was doing wrong, the focus shifted to what he was doing right. That made him want to do more things right, more things that made him feel good, and that made the important things in his life more important to him.
I don't know if that will help but that was my experience. Good luck with your situation. I truely empathize and I know how hard it is. All I can really say is make sure you don't play the blame game. I was trying SO hard to fix my relationship but once I pulled back and really looked at it, I was blaming him for making the problems that I was trying to fix, and was, therefore, creating the problems before he had ever started anything. It was my attitude that made things difficult, not his. It took a long time to figure that out.