Hi there,<P> I've read your posts on the thread to Holly and the advice given to Maya and others about the lack of feelings on the betrayers part. THANK YOU...my H had 2yr. affair and I am currently going through this. I feel myself distancing from my H(like Duncan did)...it is so hurtful. We are 4mos. into recovery and my H will come closer and I feel so happy then boom the distancing and coolness starts. I asked him about it and he said "I just don't know why I can't feel anything for you"....OUCH .My mother has said to me that she thinks he is so disappointed in himself and does not feel "worthy of the marriage". He ,like you ,Suse always had high standards and could never see himself doing this. What do you suggest from the betrayed's point of view?.....how does one cope with this? I might mention these posts to my H but I sure don't want him to think I'm "educating" him.....Lu

Awwww gosh *scuffing toe*. Thanks for your thanks, and the compliment. I'm really glad to have helped a bit.<P>These sure are difficult things, eh? How do we ever know what to do? Certainly both Suse and I made some mistakes over the years. We also didn't always do perhaps the most-effective thing to improve our relationship. But, we do the best we can, eh?<P>How to "coach" you a bit? It's so complicated and we're all so different. Maybe I'll start by saying, go easy on yourself. Do you wonder about your own worthiness, sometimes? Being the betrayed can be a heavy burden sometimes. So can being the betrayer.<P>Anyways, don't buy into that. You've got to forgive both yourself and him. What's past is past. If you can learn from it and use it for better, then you've done more than most folks do.<P>Also, don't let him pull away from you. This may be difficult since he may really be feeling self-conscious. Suse calls this the "pond scum" factor and that's a good description. Many times a repentant betrayer feels about that low. <P>So, how would I begin? By suggesting you find ways to rebuild your trust in each other again. Just little ways, perhaps. Almost like rediscovering each other again. Have some fun. Like dating, almost. Start small. Little moments of shared intimacy. If you both work at it, and want to work at it, you'll get there.<P>Keep plugging away. It may take time. Gotta keep the end goal in focus.<P>Be well.

Hi Duncan,<BR> Thanks for the reply...you're right , being the betrayed IS a heavy burden emotionally and self esteem wise...I question everything now.<BR> I guess I'll keep plugging away and will try to not take it all so personally....(yeah right!!)When he pulls away a part of me goes too, I need to keep the goal in focus....thanks again for the words of encouragement.....Lu