My wife was emotionally and psychologically seduced by a member of the clergy 3 years ago. She considered him a legitimate man of God and trusted him unequivocally. However he calculatedly preyed on her emotions. One night inside the church when they were alone in a room he turned his sexual fantasy into action and physically forced himself on her. She immediately informed me of his advances and he has left the ministry. However this was not the end of it. The church body did not completely believe her accounts of what took place and this totally devastated her. I tried my very best to love her through this whole appalling circumstance we found ourselves in. However she became distant to me when I tried to talk with her. Recently she has informed me that there was someone else in her life. She insists that they have not become physical but that she cares for him. She says that he was a fresh face she could talk to completely distant from her problems at home. Of course she says she’s sorry for what has happened and didn’t mean for it to become what it has. She has come back home to work on our problems but is still not ready to really open up to me. One of the casualties of all of this is that she has absolutely no desire for sexual intimacy with me. There has been nothing for almost a year. I don’t understand. I have done nothing wrong. How can I get her to open up to me again?

Do you have a true understanding of these events?

Your wife is accountable for her failure to protect your marriage. Wearing rose colored glasses only prevents you from recovering.



How did you respond to her during this? Did you support her publicly? Did you defend her publicly? Did you validate her shame and seek a solution to help her heal? Did she know you were in her corner the whole time?



She failed to protect her marriage once, and apparently did not learn the lessons needed to prevent it again.

I'm afraid I'd be a little skeptical myself. She is playing the victim too much.

Has she established no contact? If not, have you notified the OMs wife?



Non-church affiliated counseling and she needs IC. She needs to face her role in all this so she can make the changes she needs to make.

Also, if you haven't already, I'd recommend you change churches. There are probably too many triggers there.

do whatever it takes to find out who this new guy is

have her followed
tap her phone
install a voice activated recorder in her car
install a GPS on her car so you know where she is driving

ignorance is not bliss

know thy enemy

do not inform you wife you are watching her ....

stealth

Pep

What are your ages and do you have any children with her?

How long married?

“Do you have a true understanding of these events?

Your wife is accountable for her failure to protect your marriage. Wearing rose colored glasses only prevents you from recovering.”

Not sure if I have a true understanding of the second event. When she told me about him she said that she couldn’t keep it a secret any longer. She said that she was starting to get “feelings” for him and she knew it was wrong. She told me that he was with the old company the owned the facility where she was an administrator. There has been a change in ownership and she now works for another organization.

“I have been in a similar situation. How did you respond to her during this? Did you support her publicly? Did you defend her publicly? Did you validate her shame and seek a solution to help her heal? Did she know you were in her corner the whole time?”

Yes I did support her 100% publicly and privately. Yes she knew I was in her corner the whole time.

“She failed to protect her marriage once, and apparently did not learn the lessons needed to prevent it again.

I'm afraid I'd be a little skeptical myself. She is playing the victim too much.

Has she established no contact? If not, have you notified the OMs wife?”

She has told me that she has stopped all contact with him.

“Non-church affiliated counseling and she needs IC. She needs to face her role in all this so she can make the changes she needs to make.

Also, if you haven't already, I'd recommend you change churches. There are probably too many triggers there.”

She will not go to counseling. Flatly refuses. We have changed churches but she dose not trust anyone there. She has rounded everyone as a hypocrite.

I am 47, she is 41. No children with her. Two from my first marriage. Both out of the house

You didn't say how long you've been married.

If relatively short, please consider cutting your losses.

No counseling, no hope for recovery/improvement.

Cut her loose.

JMHO

WAT

Hi the1-

I will probably get blasted for this, but nonetheless, here goes (and I am female): BE the MAN in the family, the leader, the SPIRITUAL leader (this is your responsibility). Make the couseling appointment, tell her that your marriage is important, and that you guys are going, period. Also, I disagree about the method of counseling - it would be good for her to see a counselor of your faith. She needs to get this "hypocrite" thing out of her system, too, because her behavior is less than righteous in itself. If you are Christian, I would also recommend that you both read "When love dies: how to save a hopeless marriage" and you can find it on Amazon.

allforone

We have been married 18 years.

I will probably get blasted for this, but nonetheless, here goes (and I am female): BE the MAN in the family, the leader, the SPIRITUAL leader (this is your responsibility).





I am the leader in many ways in our marriage, maybe to much so at times. I have located a counselor near our home but he is a man and she will have nothing to do with it. She says she will never again put herself in a position to be manipulated by another man. Especially a man in the ministry.
I have also tried suggesting books. I have tried letting her select a counselor and/or marriage help aids. She doesn't seem interested enough to get involved.
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I suggest she goes to get some rape counseling. It is not unusual for a victim to refuse to get help, thinking that they can handle it themselves.

Sadly, it is not unheard of for a man of the cloth to prey on someone he is supposed to be helping. There have been 7 or 8 cases on this site.

I would approach her about getting some help for the underlying issue.

In the meantime, stay in Plan A.