My Story (short version):

Discovered evidence that WH was having an A with a co worker back in April. In March and April, husbad became very distant, would hardly talk to me, wouldn't be close to me if I'd paid him, this all happened like a light switch had been flipped - prior to that h'd been very loving and we'd been talking about starting our family.

Confronted WH (in May) and was told they are just friends, but that he understood some things were inappropriate for a married man and it was reasonable for me to ask for that behavior to stop. Basically, he says everything between them was "innocent flirting" and that the connection in their friendship is only that they both had/have abusive mothers.

I'm not sure if I believe this or not, but I decided to Plan A and keep an eye on things. Since then, I have seen no evidence of an affair that is going on right now - still not sure about what might have happened prior to my confronting him. Still keeping my eyes and ears open though.

Since confrontation, WH has turned his act around, so to speak. He is loving and very kind. Has been paying lots of attention to me etc. Spends more time with me and has told me that he wants our marriage to work.

So this weekend we went away. Moto GP was in California so we hooked up our toy hauler trailer and went to camp out and go to the races for the weekend.

All weekend we had a wonderful time. I think we had more fun this weekend then I remember us having since January. WH bought me a new motorcycle helmet as well as an expensive set of "walkie talkie" like things that fit on our helmets, because he "wants to be able to talk to me when we're riding".

Lots of SF, lots of talking, lots of laughing, lots of talking about our future and WH talking about things that he wants to happen 5 to 10 years from now in our marriage. All in all, it was a great weekend and we had a good time. I'm a little scared to come back to the real world.

So could this be a sign of recovery, or should I think of it as anything at all?

T2T

its wonderful but keep lookin for clues to make sure nothing is going on.....good luck and god bless

So it's probably just me - probably PMS or something.

WH has been perfectly wonderful to me. Continues to show genuine concern for my well being and things that are bothering me. If I didn't know about March, April and half of May I wouldn't think anything had ever happened. WH is acting as he did before any of this happened and has been for close to 3 months.

So I find myself feeling blue. There are obviously things that bug me and I find myself torn. How honest do I get with WH about the things I'm feeling. I'm trying just to plan A and see how it goes - so far it seems like a winner, and many of my ENs are being met, but the A is always still in my head.

So what's a girl to do?

T2T

Hey T2T

Thanks for the post on my thread.

I thought I would return the favor.

Sounds like a few of us had a great weekend.

Why are weekends easier to get through than weekdays?

I also know the PMS factor but we can't use that to get away with anything.

So from one girl to another.
Hang in there babe!!

Blind

U 2 working with a recovery M counselor? If not, call Steve H @ MB for a recovery plan.

You Xws may look like he has moved on but he may or may not have.

You need to find closure and w/b frustrated until you do.

Call Steve.

L.

Here is my main area of concern right now, I'm sure everyone has been there. WH has asked that from time to time he has some alone time. I get that, I need it too. So in August we have planned a week where I will head home to visit my parents and he says he plans to pack up the dirtbikes and go camping for several days, though he hasn't specified where just yet.

This shouldn't bug me, but I keep wondering how I will know if he's really going camping/riding? It's not like I've really had any signs recently that the A is still going on. There's not realy been anything that has jumped out at me. But I find myself reading in to almost everything he says, putting words in his mouth so to speak.

Everything he's actually saying, if truthful, would say that he really wants our marriage to work, but these little things keep bugging me.

Part of me says, just go with the flow, let him have his time and see what happens. The other part of me is worried. Is this normal BS behavior/thinking?

Any ideas?
T2T

Is he still working with the OW?

this is NOT recovery....

this is covering appeasing and ignoring....

you need a recovery plan....

ARK

An Xws doesn't deserve alone time any more than an alcoholic deserves t/b alone with a bottle and glass within eyeshot.

That's WS babble and he is setting himself up to fail. Is that what your MB radar is telling you?

Cuz if it is, it is right. During my Xws' false recoveries he said similar. His alone time took him right back to the OW and I had to pull plan B out of my back pocket. It wasn't a pretty sight. One of those times he landed in the pokie.

L.

He is still working with OW, I know, I know - bad thing. I've felt trapped in that regard, we honestly cannot afford to have him out of work. I'm not making that statement as an excuse, I know financially we can't do it and temporarily working at McDonald's until he finds a better job isn't a solution.

He is currently looking for a new job and has said he is thinking of applying back at his old company. I keep pushing him to really do that and have continue to keep a close eye on things at his job. Snuck into his e-mail the other day and checked through the last 3 months of e-mails (all the way back to our confrontation date). Prior to confrontation date I had found all sorts of e-mails between them. Now there was nothing that suggested anything but business.

I haven't had much of a recovery plan, I'm not sure where to start with that.

My MB radar is a bit mixed up with these trips. Prior to the A, we always took one vacation apart each year, that was a standard, our personal "us" time. So in that regard, this isn't anything new. The other side of me says, I don't mind him going and taking a trip for himself, but I need to know when, where and how to get ahold of him whenever I need to.

So I guess in all of this I'm wondering, how can I really tell the truth from babble?

I have been planning all day to speak, in depth, with him about this again sometime today or before the weekend is out. I know its time to try and put this out on the table again and really come up with some steps for us both to heal. WH is stubborn, always has been, always will. I just hope his heart is open to trying to work with me on this.

T2T

trying...i'm sorry but xws should not be given time that is unaccounted for...you will be miserable and wondering the whole time...now i know i'm not a mb member or anything like all these people who know mb forward and back, lol... but i know enough to say ....

YOU BEST COME UP WITH A PLAN OF SOME KIND!!!!

would he be agreeable to taking along a mutual friend?...one you trust to not conspire with him?... and a cell phone that he answers at all times?...personally, i wouldn't even be comfy for a whole week with that...too many trust issues still...it's only been a few weeks... and not enough accountability... these are just my thoughts....respectfully...j

Encourage him to job hunt even more.

He really must get out of that job and away from the OW.

Could he request a transfer?

Could he tell his supervisor and get assistance with keeping them apart?

Is he staying accountable to you? Meaning is he being an open book?

I do not think 'time alone' is good for recovery.

suggest you go away together.

Ok, first to comment on some of the most recent threads:

I know I need to come up with a recovery plan. I'm just not sure what that is. Any help is appreciated. Right now I'm just trying to Plan A, but not sure what an appropriate Recovery Plan is.

I continue to encourage him to job hunt. He has said for months and months now that he is unhappy in his job. They are actually treated him horribly in my opinion and I truly think he is trying to make things right between me and him and OW's presence just makes him feel even worse. He needs to get a new job, both he and I agree on that and I am encouraging him daily in that direction. He seems to be very receptive to that support from me. Will continue to encourage him in that area. He has had a few interviews, I know this because he has shown me e-mails requesting them and his e-mails back agreeing and setting up times, but nothing has come from them yet. So I will keep supporting him and hope that the right job comes along soon.

A transfer isn't an option. He currently works at a very small startup company. There is no where to transfer to :-) But a good though nonetheless.

I don't think his supervisor would care much. Like I said, they have treated him horribly. They have had him traveling more than 60% of his time this year, when he went to them and said he was unhappy and this was causng troubles at home (not to mention the stress the A was causing) they pretty much responded with "oh well, deal with it." So would they be helpful in this situation - I doubt it, but you never know.

He is staying accountable to me and I'm still being sneaky just to make sure. I may have said this in an earlier post, between his being accountable and my still being sneaky, I have not seen anything that makes me think the A is still going on.

I have suggested he go visit his dad on his alone time. They share the same love of motorcycles and haven't seen each other in close to a year. He said he would think about it. Should he agree as I hope he will, then I would worry less.

I know I shouldn't give him "alone time" at the same time one of his love busters according to him is sometimes feeling smothered by me and needing some him time. This LB is not something that just popped up when the A started like that, both of us have needed that time apart every so often our entire relationship. So I don't want to force the issue with him and have it become LB behavior. Where do I find a balance?

We have taken several trips away together in recent weeks and have more planned in the near future. The more of these we take, the more he seems to work his way back to me. While I would love for us to take this trip together, I don't believe it will happen. So I'm pushing for him to take his trip, but to get extreme accountability, so I can trust it (ie. going to visit his dad).

At any rate, here's my little light. As you all know, I was blue the last two days. The emotions with all of this have just been pulling me to pieces. At any rate, I finally decided that I need to talk to WH about some of the things bugging me. So on the way home from work I let him know how I was feeling about many things that happened during the A and how much those things had hurt me.

WH was very open and receptive. Talked with me about how he wanted to make things better between us and how he really wants to have a long lifetime with me and he let me share things I thought would make our marriage better (I guess maybe these things are part of my recovery plan?)

At any rate, when it was all said and done he gave me a lot of reassurances with how he is feeling now and where his committments are. I know you guys will try and warn me, I know you are just trying to keep me safe. You will say the the WS will sometimes say anything to keep the A going. Basically, he signed over his motorcycle to me. It's mine and if he doesn't fulfill our plans in the ways he has promised me (ie like our move to the east coast and a lot of other stuff), then it is mine to do with as I please.

This may sound kind of silly, but WH knows that I know how important this motorcycle is to him. It's a Ducati, any of you who know motorcycles know that it's a pretty nice bike. It's not a bike that you can just walk in off the street and buy - he and I worked really hard to get it for him. It's his prized possession and I know he would't give it up for anything. So to place it in my hands as a sacrifice, that may not mean anything to any one else, but to me, it is pretty huge. If he went to that length, I can't deny that he truly means what he's saying to me about his committment and recovering our marriage.

I don't know if we are in recovery or what, but I feel like we took a really big step forward yesterday and it feels good.

T2T