Is it typical for FWW to want to conceive shortly after the affair has passed? We dont have any kids yet. It seems like she has been pushing this for a while and was just wandering what other couples without kids have experienced.

humm...

How is your relationship now?
Can you say you are recovered and that you trust her fully?

It looks a bit early to me, specially since you're both very young.

How do you feel about it?

Have you had any plans about when having kids previous the A?

This may be part of some sort of "honeymooning" phase. Hold off for now...

I've saw it in a couple I knew. It's like the FWW wants to "seal the deal" and prevent the BH from changing his mind about working on the M.

23 is too young IMO. Give the marriage time to work and get your careers established first.

I agree-partially-I think the marriage should be given time to heal and to work; however, I would base nothing on the "establishment of career"...

IMHO, at least 2 years of recovery would be my recommendation before kids are even contemplated.

Perhaps getting her to post herein as a FWW. She really needs to process just how she became a WS and how to be in an affair proof marriage. You must complete a full recovery or history will repeat itself. Jumping into a pregnancy is not going to be the answer to your/her problems.

For your sake...please wait. You have not even been married (affair free) for a whole year yet. At your age...there is absolutely no rush.

Finally, don't trust her with the birth control...wear condoms to prevent pregnancy and to protect yourself from STD's.

Mr. Wondering

Relationship is going pretty good. We have ran in to a few rough spots thru recovery, but I can tell she is very commited to me and our marriage. I still have problems dealing with the A and work thru them the best I can.
I, presonally, am not fully recovered.
She is gaining her trust back but how do I ever "fully" trust her again. I guess I'll know once I'm ready to.
I love kids and dont think it would be an issue, at this time in our relationship anyway, had the A not happened. I worry about how it might affect our recovery.

She wanted kids real bad UNTIL the A. Before I truly knew of the A, I sat her down at dinner and told her I was "ready" - but only to get a response out of her. She said exactly what I had expected. That she wasnt ready - she was too young - she had to much partying left to do - that she wanted to be able to hang out with friends while she was still young. I should have known from that point on, but like any BS I denied the fact that it could possibly be true that she was having an A.
Mid October 2005 we found out she was pregnant. She ended up having a miscarraige. That was pretty tough for me for a few reasons. The dates the OBGYN gave us didnt really match up. They were a few days off anyway. But she had moved in to her parents and we had seperated right before the date of conception(i know the date they give you isnt exact), which was right around - no contact - but she said she hadnt actually seen him at least 40 days prior to ending contact. It was phone and email contact only. I believe her about that.

Another thing that really bothers me is that OM was a lot older than both of us and continually told her "not to have kids" "not to bring kids into our marraige". Im not sure how it affects her but it bothers me when i think about it.

Thanks for all the comments.

Wanted to add:

Statistically, in recovery, the BS is the one most likely to have an affair. It has been seen plenty around here that about 8 - 10 months into recovery a swell of resentment takes place within the BS as their "taker" kicks into gear.

I would hate to add on top of the THAT the pressure of expecting a baby. Expecting a baby places a huge amount of pressure on both the mother and father. IMHO, recovery is NOT the time to be dealing with such stress.

You two need to be building a solid foundation of intimacy within which a child will BLOSSOM. A child WILL NOT assist in creating such intimacy. You two alone are responsible for that...up front. IMO, it would be irresponsible of you to do otherwise.

Mr. Wondering

Care to elaborate? Babies have this way of costing money.

Hi Gearhead,

I also wanted to chime in and say please wait. I am a FWW who wants children also, but wouldn't DREAM of getting pregnant this early in our recovery.

Truth be told, several months after D-day H and I got a puppy. I had always wanted one, but H was hesitant. On advice from our MC, we got one in March. To be honest, our world was completely turned upside down. Puppies needs LOTS of attention, and all of our energy became focused on the dog. I hate to admit this, but H and I bought our puppy at the pet store and in addition to being a little guy he's had some significant behavior problems since we purchased him. We've tried everything, but we're coming to the conclusion that he maybe isn't the dog for us. We're heartbroken over this. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

The reason I'm telling you this story is because H and I were making small, steady, happy steps in our recovery until we got the puppy. Then our relationship became completely focused on him, not unlike a child (an oppositional defiant child, lol.) At times we've felt disconnected and stalled in our recovery, and that getting a dog so early after D-day was a bad idea.

If you aren't fully on board with this, please wait. Take care of the M first.

Blessings to you in your recovery,

Katie Mae

Gearhead, My $.02......A child will not draw you together or save your marriage long term. Oh Sure, there is elation and good stuff at first but when the child is not a baby anymore (say 2 - 4)and demands attention, it takes time and energy away from the relationship with your spouse.

It's happened to us. Our 3 1/2 year old demands attention 24/7. I'm mid-40's, W is mid 30's. She is totally stressed and wants to re-live the party thing she had in her 20's because she's having problems dealing with the constant need for attention. I've already raised 2 adult daughters (22 and 19) so I'm patient and prepared for whats going to happen........she's not.

Until enough time goes by, please don't do it yet.

Hi Gearhead,

Less than two years married.
Less than a year NC.
Less than 6 mo since dday.
An Affair less than 6 mo after the wedding??

I think even without A's, it's suggested that the couple wait a few years before having children. I'd get two years of solid, stable marriage under your belt before trying to have children.

And I'd start the clock today. Or maybe New Years 2007. Start trying NY 2009. You'll only be 25-26.

Why not have a few fun years of weekend get-aways, staying out late, dancing with your W before bringing in the kids? THAT you'll never regret! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I have friends with children, they'd kill to sleep in one day or have a weekend to themselves. And that's not going to happen until the youngest are out of diapers. We're talking 4-5 years w/o a private, romantic weekend alone together. Get some of those under your belt!

You two need some good marital HISTORY before the kids some. KM is right, PUPPIES limit your lifestyle in dramatic, unexpected ways, life will NEVER be the same after kids.

You cant feel to confident about your W at this point, can you? Dealing with an A during the honeymoon phase of the marriage... so messed up. You are still in the early stages of recovery. Give it time, OK? Please take care - Dru

ps: KatieMae, what kind of puppy did you get??

pps: None of my friends started having kids till their 30's and NONE of them regretted waiting. You've got lots of time!

Hi Dru,

We have a Boston Terrier. He's quite the little firecracker! He's absolutely the cutest dog you'll ever see. We currently have two people in line to adopt him. One is a dog trainer who lives on a farm, and the other is a woman who already has a Boston and lives on 10 acres of land. H and I need to discuss tonite who we think is the better fit... it's going to be tough. We're pretty excited to see him go to a farm though... he would have an absolute blast.

We're going to miss him but boy, what a lot of work for a couple in the fragile stages of recovery!

Thanks for asking, <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

KM

"Why not have a few fun years of weekend get-aways, staying out late, dancing with your W before bringing in the kids? THAT you'll never regret! I have friends with children, they'd kill to sleep in one day or have a weekend to themselves. And that's not going to happen until the youngest are out of diapers. We're talking 4-5 years w/o a private, romantic weekend alone together. Get some of those under your belt!"

Wise words!! In our case, we're ready to split up, make our small child another statistic. The way I view my W, It's like a young lion(ess). She's hunted and tasted the prey again and liked it. It may be a month, year or 2 years but until she gets her act together and grows up I believe it's gonna happen again. Sorry, sounds blunt, huh?

I forgive, but have a problem respecting cheaters in marriage. You never forget. That includes my W.

Puppies are all firecrackers, to be sure. I'm glad to hear you've got a few people lined up for him. We're about to get a new dog, ours just passed on, and we're definetly NOT getting a puppy. I know we dont have the time to commit to a puppy. Same with cats, no more kittens for us - EVER. I'll take a nice, fat, lazy grown kitty over a kitten, anyday. Good luck on your decision - Dru

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Thank you everybody for your posts.

She does browse on here and occasionally posts.

We have a dog right now and she is a handfull. We love her like a child. I bought her for my W on our first V-day after being married. Its a yorkshire terrior and she takes all the attention she can get.
I've also got plenty of friends with kids or kids on the way. I think thats part of the reason why my W wants kids is because everyone has or is having kids and she feels left out. She has also said that she wants our kids to grow up with extended family the same age - but that is certainly no reason to have kids ourselves.

Mr. Bucket, I meant to say that there is never a "right" time career-wise to pause and have a child.

I agree 100% with this. If you wait till you can "afford" children, you will never have children.

I'm agreeing with CS - should I increase my medication? (joking!)

Hey...Even a broken clock is right twice a day....