KMEJ

Your H knows that nothing he can ever do to you , however disrespectful and abusive will make you leave him.

So why should this abusive man bother to stay faithful and respectful of you ?

While you accept anything he gives you out of fear he has no compelling reason to change. None.

So what are you going to do to change the situation ?

All blessings

It is a great thought, however we do not communicate very well. When ever I say something he does not agree with his asks who I have been talking too, as I could not have come up with XYZ myself. Then I usally get upset... Or H will say "Right" (long and dragged out) as he knows that gets under my skin. Typically if we need to have a serious conversation I am rather embarrest to say but I sit at the desk top computer and he takes the laptop into the other room and we communicate over IM. But it works,.

So what are you going to do to change the situation ?
[color:"orange"] Bob, you would be amazed at how I have changed. My parents and his have even commented on it I stand my ground, hold him responsible and do things that I want to do. at first H was very opposed, but I did it anyway.[/color] this may sound immature, but I have found that when H starts to lose his temper or what not I just flat out ignore him, do not respond in anyway shape or form, until he has cooled down and approches me in a calm manner. He knows that I have talked with places, I am capeable and willing to leave if that is what is needed. I do not want to, but will if need be.

Hey, if that's what works then it's a good start for now don't you think?

Sometimes typing it out is a great way to organize your thoughts.

Maybe that's what you guys can do instead of the next movie night?

At least that way, if you choose to take some of the actions talked about in previous posts he might have an idea as to why.

Hang in there...we'll be pulling for you!

it has been a while since our last "Conversation"- we are probably over due. and after tonights antics we could probably use it.

[color:"blue"] good night. be back on the morrow. [/color]

KMEJ, I'm glad you've got some more confidence ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

So how you going to change your H's behaviour ? Are you prepared to enforce some personal boundaries now ?

Kmej,

You know the rope, been through the course and still you don't feel safe.

Remember His Needs/Her Needs? What from there can you implement and move forward with? No need to plan A right? Ok, if you don't feel safe and he is not willing to do his fair share, then r u really ready to move forward?

You don't have to put up with the same stuff as before. When he gets angry? Why should you wonder what to do? Ignore him? Maybe he is used to that tactic. Try another.

You have already outlined your boundaries, now enforce them.

take care,
L.

Welcome back KMEJ,

When I read your posts (past and present), I see someone who is giving and loving and sincerely wants to make a marriage and a family work and to be the best mother she can be. I see someone who genuinely wants to better herself and her situation.

Someone who does not recognize her own value.

Someone who continually gives too much “power” in the relationship to her H.

Arguing about your feelings? There is no negotiation about your feelings.

Allowing him to define what is acceptable to YOU in a M? He does get to decide what you want out of your M. He does not get to decide if his behaviour is acceptable to you or not. He only gets to decide what he wants and what he is willing to contribute.

H: “You are over-reacting”.

KMEJ: (Don’t argue with this point!) “You can interpret it how you wish. It is not acceptable to me.” (END OF DISCUSSION ON THIS POINT)

KMEJ: “I am interested in a M, where a H wants to use his free time to be with me.” “I am not interested in spending my free time with someone who would prefer to speak with someone else.” (WALK AWAY. END OF DISCUSSION).

He may be an abuser, but you are playing into his abuse by negotiating things that don’t need to be negotiated! In order to get out of this cycle, you do not need to change him—its not only about HIM. It is also about YOU playing into him. Change inside of you what is allowing this powerlessness—and you will be set free!

Good luck to you!

P.S. In my humble FWS opinion, he is having at least an EA with this person on the phone. He is getting off on the chase....and using his "openness" as rationalization as a cover.

My guess is you play into this need too because by clamoring over him when he is giving OW attention. (WOW, now they all want me!)

Just plainly stating that you are not interesting in this and then calmly going about your business is a way to break the cycle.

AH,makes valid points. Don't play into the hands of a Ws. If he acts like a WS, call him on it and walk away. It is up to him to woo you back and it had better be convincing (like the truth or bust) because u r waay to savy to take anything less.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

take care,
L.

Hi KMEJ!

Here's something to remember from what I shared with you before.

You're not free to stay until you are free to leave. Do you remember what kept you there before when he was verbally abusing you?

Resources. Money.

What are you doing to prepare yourself, in the event that you feel the need for Plan B?

Why do YOU need to do ANYTHING? It was my thought that it was up to my FWH to help ME feel confident and trusting in him again.

I asked him very simply..."What are you going to do to help me feel safe?" And when he tried to sidetrack the question or said he was doing enough, I would shake my head and said that was not up to him to determine...and I repeated the question.

Frankly, he seems to be going out of his way to antagonize you.

Not wearing his ring because it is snug? Please...my FWH did not wear his ring for many different reasons when we were first married, for many different reasons...his electrician GF never wore his, it was too tight, he doesn't wear jewelry, he's not used to it, it got hot, he was doing some work and it was rubbing...but the REAL reason he admitted to later, he was being stupid, didn't want women to know he was married...

He sounds like he is still seeking happiness in other women...has nothing to do with you...

So what can you do? What is your limit? What can you live with? What can you not live with?

You can leave, but DO NOT view leaving as a manipulation to try to get him to change. Leaving is all for YOU...to live a life where blatant disregard and disrespect are not felt. Leaving will allow you to heal and determine if you are strong enough to live with the disrespect...

wow that hits the nail on the head- honestly when I think about leaving, and when I left in the past it was all part of the game- if I leave he will realize what he has lost and come after me, and be willing to change. Granted it may work for a short while- but it always goes back. I understand now that manipulation does not solve anything.on either parts.
This morning he got up with the kids and let me sleep in- I did not ask for it- but was so tired from not being able to sleep it sure was nice. It is usually him sleeping in, and he rarely returns the favor. Also as soon as I got up he said he had errands to run- literally I had just gotten down stairs and he popped up and said he was leaving. Not sure if he is avoiding me and the conversation he knows I want to have, or guilt- but his behavior so far today is just not like him.

KMEJ -

I've often wondered how you're doing. It sounds like some areas have been improving and I'm happy to hear that.

I do have two questions though.

Is there still physical abuse, especially in front of the kids?

How are the boys doing?

FIM

KMEJ - I have invited some other posters to join in on the threads in my sig line, and I think you may well benefit from being there as well.

You must understand that what your husband did - ignoring you during what was supposed to be your private time together to go have a personal conversation with another female - was a deliberate Passive/Aggressive act designed to sabotage the efforts you are making at being his partner.

It was Aggressive because he knew damn well it would hurt you and upset you and push your buttons, but at the same time it was Passive because he can just say, "Oh, it's just work, it's nothing, blah blah blah" and therefore not be responsible for the hurt he intentionally inflicted.

And it worked, didn't it?

It's all explained in the threads below, especially the first one.

Just understand that it IS deliberate and it IS done to sabotage and defeat your efforts.

Please join us there. I can't tell you what a difference it's made to me.

If you have an email address you can post, I will send you a four-page article on Passive/Aggressive men and what it's like to be married to one.
Mulan

[color:"red"]EGG ZAK LEE [/color]

[color:"red"] [/color] My H and I have worked through most of those issues. H has only lost his temper really once since my last posting. and it was NOT in front of the kids. I also ignored him and did not respond in any way, which lead him to apologize in record time, with minimal damage so to speak, and NOT in front of the kids.


My three tornadoes are doing wonderful thank you for asking. My oldest is now 9.5 going on 16 <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> but I love every minute of his "changes" my middle is almost 6 (oh my goodness) and is still sweet as ever, such a mama's boy always wanting to snuggle, and I do love that!!!! my youngest is now 3.5 and sp grown up- where did the time go????? my youngest is such a daddys boy. really could care less if I am home as long as daddy is, which is a great turn around from when he turned one and had no clue who that strange man was at his first birthday party (his DADDY <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />)

As for my concern that started this thread, H and I had a very indepth heart to heart about it, and he claims to know where I am coming from, only time will really tell. He said he was sorry to make me feel that way. He has been trying to prove that nothing is going on, and that he wants to be a family man. He even came with me and the kids and the neighbor woman and kids to the beach today <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> and played the "dad" to all the kids, even the baby- and this man HATES the beach- granted he stayed on the beach and not in the water, but he got up, came and did NOT complain. Progress, I am telling you.

Thanks for all your feedback and support. I needed it to confront H with my feelings and feel strong about it. You all here at MB are Fabulous!!!!!!! THANKS

Hey Pep thanks for keeping me grounded.
To answer your questions, deep breathe here you go..... [color:"red"] I have a support system in place, and places to go if need be. I know I can support the kids, and make ends meet if that is what is best for the kids and myself. However H has made so manu leaps even the neighbors are commenting- hopefully it will not come to that.- thanks for caring.[/color] [color:"blue"] Please note that I answered others questions above. [/color]