Hi Slammed, great to hear from you again. Our WH's are dealing with mental issues in addition to more common marital problems, which I am sure is making things more complicated. As you said, I am feeling quite sad and down. It is irritating, because I have been in this mental stage TOO LONG. It started in November 2004 when DS and I were also visiting my family for two weeks. Then when WH got a pink slip, he stopped talking about D, but soon as he got a new job, he moved out (May 2005). Then right before our trip home in the fall of 2005, he filed the D paperwork. Then his DUI scared him (now looking back, though, I think the money associated with his arrest scared him more than anything) and made him want to come home. Then again, right before our trip home, he got really angry and during our trip, he decided to resume the D work.

So just like your WH, mine seems to be repeating certain pattern. And it is irritating that I have been stupid enough to allow such pattern. I am upset at myself that after all of these behaviors, I still had some hope for real, healthy reconciliation. I am not trying to blame myself, but I cannot help but to feel quite helpless to be this attached to WH still. He has not been a good person for a while, and he has clearly stated that he has "fallen out" of love with me. What else do I want to hear or see? And strangely, when he wanted to come home, I could not feel happy because I sensed that it was not based on pure, genuine motives.

I really should look at this more like that God is providing an opportunity for me to move forward and stop wasting my time. WH did not want to come home because he wanted his family back or he realized his feelings for me - it was all about money and he missed the comfortable lifestyle. So even if we stayed in the same phase, I was only wasting my time with him. So this is good. I am forced to move forward without WH. I am sure there is something - something much better and solid - is wating for me. I wished it was WH becoming the same person I knew before, but it does not appear that way. Maybe I am supposed to meet someone else in the future. Maybe that would provide a better environment for DS.

I am trying to stay positive, but it can be difficult. I too had a dream last night about WH, which made me very sad. But I cannot control this situation, and I must accept this. I do not want this to ruin my new career. I need to focus on my new job, and kept telling myself last night that I would NOT this time let WH ruin my life and career. I have to be strong, because I know deep inside that in the end DS and I may find another happiness but for WH, there will be time he would regret his decision to destroy his family deeply. I hope I can be as positive as possible on Monday when I start my new job. I cannot afford to lose this and to go through the stress I experienced this spring.

My girlfriend is asking to go out tonight, but I do not feel like it - I wonder though, if I should try to go out to forget about WH for a while.

Milk

Been up since 3:30AM (I was sleeping but DS4 woke me up), so fell asleep at 4 this afternoon and could not wake up till 6PM. Hopefully I can go to bed at a decent hour tonight so that I can get back to the normal schedule by Monday when I start my new job. Since there is no way I would have enough energy I cancelled the outing with my friend tonight.

WH came and mowed the grass this afternoon. He acted normal, and actually was more casual, joking and pleasant than when he was pushing to come home. Strange, but I can see how the "pressure" seems to be off and that is probably making him feel "light" again.

Every time I see him, somehow I realize that he is no longer the same person I fell in love with. He does not look or act the same. I do not find him attractive anymore physically, and something about his eyes - it's hard to explain - makes me feel quite uncomfortable. While I was feeling quite depressed last night and this morning, when I saw him, in a way, it helped me feel better because of this. I felt that I am not going to lose what I had - I am losing something I would not want anyway.

This feeling helped me feel sleepy and guess that's another reason I was able to sleep soundly this afternoon. But when I woke up, the bad cycle seems to start up again. Which is to think how empty the house is without DS4 (every time WH picks up DS I felt this way but I was getting better recently), how unstable my life will be again from now on because of the D process, etc. Also, I do not want to speculate how WH is feeling, doing etc., which I used to do a lot. But I feel I may start doing this simply because WH acted nicely today. When I woke up I wondered if he feels much better now because he finally made up his mind and decided to follow through with the D process (and that is why he seemed happy today), he acted that way to emotionally "punish" me (power game), or he might have gotten some positive feeling about us again...?? And I had to stop myself. It does not matter, and I do not want to be trapped in "his" mind game anymore. I refuse to let him control my life. But it's sooooooooooo difficult not to be affected by his acts and words. Since we have DS4, we have a constant contact and I cannot do Plan B. Also the therapist said that for DS4, it will be the best if he knows his parents still care for each other even if they are not married anymore. So how do I protect my feelings and mental health? It's so hard.

Talked to my mom and she thinks it's better that we are going to get divorced, simply because I will not be in limbo anymore. She said IF WH changes his mind again and IF I still want him back, it may be better if we are divorced because we may feel that no one is forcing us to make up our mind. And she thinks in the mean time, I may meet someone, and if I am not divorced yet, I will "miss" the opportunity so either way she thinks it's better to get some type of "closure". I understand that, and some other friends have said the same thing, and I know I would have said the same thing if I was the outsider. It makes sense and sounds like a "healthy" thinking. The problem is how I will 'convince' myself this and stay strong and positive about my life.

Maybe one of my major weaknesses is "rejection". I don't do well when I get "rejected", whether it's by WH, friends, or people at work. So I am very sensitive to criticism, and I think another reason I still cannot 'get over' with our divorce is the sense of rejection from not only WH personally but also my life/destiny and my own belief system. It's probably perfectly normal and common to feel this way, because you get betrayed by something/someone you strongly believed in, but this seems to have much bigger effect on me than usual. When I look around "strong" people tend to move forward quickly. They "accept" the reality fast, and think of the second best options - and act accordingly. Why can't I do this? I know WH as he is now will only bring disaster so why do I still want him? I don't, the only reason I was hanging on is because I could not get rid of my naive hope that he will "wake up" and be the old H I used to know. The reality is, that rarely happens and in most cases either they never wake up, wake up many years later, or they wake up but the process is very slow and gradual. I need to keep reminding myself this, because after what he has done to me, I would not have the energy and patience to wait for such day for another 10 years. If God can tell me that WH will return to the way he was 10 years from now and nothing will happen in between, it will be very hard but I think I will make a decision to live without him today. At least I can compare my decision against what would have been like if I decide to wait around for him and can feel better. Of course there is no such thing in a real life, but again, stronger people seem to be capable of doing this on their own - they decide their partners are not worth waiting for and move forward, believing their decisions will pay off later. I want to kick myself that I still haven't been able to do this completely. Yes, I am doing better than last year, but I still believe somewhere that WH would return to H. How childish and naive is this??? I truly never thought I am this weak.

Milk

Hi Milk,
Thanks for you post on my thread (I replied back and am sorry it was a rather "down" sounding vent).
I SO understand what you are saying here and the way that
you feel- I too have had a lot of conflict within myself
about whether or not I wanted to be back with WH, whether
or not he can ever be like the H I knew and married, if
he would put in the time and effort to work on his issues,
keep working on getting his medication right, etc...
It is very easy for me to say "YES", I would want H back
in an instant if he could be like he used to be, and if we
could be like we used to be, but those are big IFS, and no
real answer because no one, not even WH himself, knows if
he can ever be like he was...

Like you, I have also thought in great detail about whether
it's better to keeping be patient, keep trying, keep hoping,
and keep some connection, waiting to see if WH will ever get
out of the fog, end it with OW, and be willing to make the
effort, or if it is just a waste of time that I will later
regret and feel angry at both WH and myself for doing-

I have prayed and prayed, SO much, so many different ways,
and so many times for the affair to end and WH to want our
life and US back again, yet nothing has seemed to change.
It is hard to keep having faith and to not feel frustration
and even disappointment that this prayer has not seemed to
get an answer, yet I keep reading and reminding myself that
God gave us "free will" and that WH has to make the decision
his own self. I don't believe that God wants anyone to ever
have to go through such pain and grief, or that he wants
anyone to divorce so I have a hard time thinking it would
ever be his will for me, but I do believe that he is always
with all of us, knows our hearts, and hurts just as much as
we do over these situations, and I believe he always helps
us to have a good outcome, no matter what happens in our
lives.

I don't think you are showing any weakness or that there is
anything unusual or wrong with you wanting to believe that
WH could change or things could be different- I think you
showed a lot of strength, courage and faith by giving him
a chance, and you probably would have always wondered and
thought about "what if" if you had not tried, so at least
you can feel good that you made every effort and gave WH
the opportunity, and he is the one that did not take it-

I think it's true that friends and family around us just
want us to be happy and hate for us to be in an unhappy,
unsettled or "limbo" state, even though they don't always
undestand how we really feel, or that we may not be ready
to just give up. My parents have always been great about
supporting me in all I do, and say little about WH, except
to say they just don't understand him and think he is a
very odd person (they are quite religious and would never
say anything bad about anyone). On the other hand, I have
some friends who just say "dump him, he's a jerk", and don't
understand why it's just not that easy. And, others are more
"in the middle", trying to just support me and listen, no
matter what I want to do-

You know, I have been feeling very upset in the past week
or so, because I realized that I did some things in our
marriage that I was not proud of or happy about- things
like saying mean things to WH, wanting "my" way, not always
showing much appreciation or respect to WH, nagging about
little things, etc...and before I had really felt like I
was pretty "perfect" and all the issues and problems were
WH. This is a hard thing to face, because I feel like I will
always wish I had another chance and regret my part in what
happened, but as I am writing this, I realize that even if
I wasn't perfect and did make mistakes, I was still a good
person, honest, truly loving, supportive in a big way, and
the best friend that WH ever had, and that makes me feel a
little bit better about it. I did not have a problem with
saying I was sorry, and have apologized to WH in the past
for things I said, not making him feel appreciated, not
making him feel supported, etc. so I guess there isn't much
else I can do about it- as always, hindsight is much more
clear.

Hang in there, I'm with you.
Slammed

Hi Slammed,

I could not sleep last night because of the jet lag but also because of the depressed thoughts about my life and marriage. I was reading "Purpose Driven Life" which made me feel a little better but still I could not sleep and was very sad. I tried to remember the part it says "the pain you are going through is nothing compared to the glory you will get later". I know I have learned a lot and will continue to grow through this painful experience. And luckily as long as I have my health, I may have another chance to proove that I have grown and can have a happier family. Still, I was depressed that I have ended up in this situation. I also missed DS4 who has been with me for the past three weeks. I could not sleep well without hearing his breathing and seeing his beautiful face. I ended up calling my mom again since it was in the evening over there - I could tell she was trying her best to be 'upbeat' for me. She was trying to make it sound like it is not as bad as I make it sound it is. She kept saying "you will get the resolution at least, which I think is healthier. It's been two years, Milk, you have cried and suffered for two years. I think WH is having conflicts himself and has been indecisive, but it may be better to get divorced. You two may feel very lonely after getting divorced and want to get back together, or may stay divorced, but I don't think it is doing any good to you to be in this limbo state. Look at those people who have gotten stronger through bad situations and gotten happier - they all stayed positive and move forward. You can't keep looking back the memories and feeling sad. Stay positive, and good things will come to you".

She said these words in rather happy, light voice to make me feel lighter, but I could tell she was secretly crying. I felt great love and that made me cry too.

I have to do something to keep my mind off so that I can prepare myself for tomorrow, the first day at my new job. Thanks for understanding and your support.

Milk

Hi Milk,
Sorry you had a rough night. I can relate to thinking about
things when you want to sleep ! I usually get off to sleep
quickly, but sometimes wake up in the night thinking about
WH and our situation, feeling frustrated, trying to pray,
and then just toss and turn-

I had a hard time this weekend too- usually get together w/
my parents on weekends, but they just left on vacation and
will be gone 10 days, and my two other friends I often do
things with were both busy, so I was alone and didn't have
much to do. Finished some housework, laundry, ordered pizza
and watched a movie last night, and did some work on the
computer and more today, but overall I felt very bored,
down and isolated, like the rest of the world is busy and
exciting and I'm in my own little world. I know that not
working and being here at home so much is really adding to
my down mood, so I sure hope I can find a job soon.

I am trying to focus on that- jobhunting, taking care of me,
and just take things a "day at a time", without thinking too
much about H, the whole situation or D. It's hard to try to
keep some hope and faith that things might change, while at
the same time having to think about living on alone, without
my H and life I loved so much.
I know we are growing and learning a lot through these hard
experiences- hopefully we will be able to look back and see
and appreciate our strength sometime down the road.

Hope you can relax, sleep well tonight, and have an exciting
first day at the new job !
Slammed

It seems many family and friends (who haven't been there and obviously don't understand, and haven't been to MB either) have the same well intentioned but I find hurtful advice - particularly when they give it to my WS - move on and find someone new. I don't think they understand that you simply can not replace a family member. But it seems to be almost as common as the things WS use in justification for the A. One in particular (and she has children too) suggested I move away, leave DD and start an entirely new life.

Have you shown MB to your family and friends?

No advice here but you have my sympathy and best wishes - I miss DD so much when I don't see her for even a couple of days, it really gets me down. I don't understand how WS can justify it - even knowing of the fog it is impossible for me to comprehend making a choice to take yourself away from your own child; choosing to miss half their childhood.

It is okay though for you to choose your path when and how you want. And when you are ready. You didn't make WH have the A and you are doing your best which seems a whole lot better to me that what he has done.

love_left

Oh yeah, the A and OM have turned my WS into someone I don't have any respect for at all too. But once in awhile I see the real person show through. Usually when she is with other people though <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> If she is not still in the fog though I think she is then she, OM and enabling friends managed to brain wash her into believing the justifications. And if so that "waking up" could take years or may never happen. It is very sad and very hurtful to us BSs.

Take care of yourself.

love_left

Thanks Slammed and Love_Left. I'm sorry to hear your hearache LL. I am going through the same. No matter how long it has taken, it still hurts to think of my marriage and family once I felt will be there forever. It is a sense of great loss and loss of my dream and belieg that I am experiencing, which I know is normal, but I just do not know how to deal with such strong negative feelings.

I just spoke with my therapist (who was our MC till a few weeks ago), and felt a bit better. Now I am off to see my lawyer - how depressing, isn't it. But I have to do what I have to do.

I started my new job on Monday, and I am loving it. People here are very nice and I do want to perform so I am fighting very hard not to let my thoughts on WH and our broken M and divorce to affect my ability to perform this time. At times it's difficult but I have to believe I have gotten stronger over the past two years and also that I have done everything I could so now I have to give everything to God and things will be okay. It's hard to do so many times, but there is nothing else I can do...

Will post more later.
Milk

You sound strong.

Are you being brave, and sounding better than you feel?
Or are you really doing well, and know you will be OK?

Praying for you.
May God be with you.

SS

Hi SS, I am so happy to hear from you!

I feel stronger sometimes, and I feel completely lost other times. I know I will be okay in the end, but that's in my head. My heart is hurting so much.

I spent a great amount of time the past couple of days thinking how things could have been different if I did this, or if I did not do this, etc...., because I realize one of my nasty habits was to "react" to WH's behaviors or comments and I ended up saying hurtful things to him in the past. I realize how he must have been hurt. I am truly sorry for the pain I must have caused.

But at the same time, over the past two years since WH started to want to get divorced, I have tried to manage my anger better, and I KNOW I have improved a lot in this area. I still tend to react, but I haven't really raised my voice at him in the long time and I certainly haven't said hurtful things for a while. I am trying to improve myself. That should matter, shouldn't it? In the meantime, it was WH who has said so many hurtful things and done hurtful things to me and to his family.

I wanted to believe that he would now say "okay, let's stop hurting each other and be responsible and recreate our family", but again he chose to run away. My therapist feels that WH had seemed "overwhelmed" when he thought about what he will be required to do. That's probably true.

I should not be spending too much time thinking about him though. I made many mistakes before, but so did he. I tried to change that and tried very hard to save our marriage but he refused to do the same. He only wanted to take care of his sex addiction and felt that it was all needed. I have to shift my focus to me and DS4 now. I am trying to be pleasant to WH, even though I am hurting so much inside, because I truly want DS4 to become a stable, happy, and responsible person. I don't want his parents' divorce make him a bitter person who blames others for his own problems. I am very scared that DS4 could someday blame me or our divorce for his not doing well at school or using drugs, etc. I pray very hard that will not be the case. He may hate me in the future, thinking that I did not do enough to save our marriage. But I have to believe that if I truly try hard and let him know how much I love him, he will understand.

I am just fighting everyday to get stronger and more positive about the situation I am in..

Milk

WH is again playing the "minimum contact" game...

I had a health checkup right before our trip, and while we were gone, I had 4-5 messages from the hospital saying that they had found ovarian cist and I need to come in to have it checked out again.

So I was talking to WH yesterday about the insurance, so that I can make an appointment. And I could tell that he really does not care whether I am sick or not! He did say "have it checked out soon" and asked a few questions about it, but I could tell that his heart was not in it. When we were together, he was always concerned my health. And as he was driving away with DS4, he said "anyway, you should be getting your own insurance so I will cut you off from my insurance at November first". It sounded so cold.

He lost his biological mother when he was 2. His mother had an ovarian cancer or something. He always told me how hard it has been not to be raised by his REAL mother and also said that he believed that his father cheating on his mom must have contributed to her sickness. Now, he does not think he is doing the same thing to me? I am not planning on dying anytime soon, but what if it turns out I am really sick? Then DS4 will be left without mother, AGAIN, just like WH and the horrible history and pattern will repeat. Is that what he wants? I don't know, but if I was him, I would be SCARED to see the same/similar pattern and would realize something must be done in order to stop this bad cycle. Guess he does not think that way, and really does not care what might happen to me. That really made me sad. He doesn't care if I die tomorrow! And this is the man whom I have been with over decade and the one who wanted to come home till recently???

Milk

Okay, enough of the self-pitying... I had sad moments yesterday and today, but am fine now.

I really feel now that WH is so detached from the reality, and he simply cannot have any healthy/stable relationship with anyone. I do believe he will SOMEDAY regret what he did, especially how much he hurt our beautiful little boy, but it's just impossible for anyone to know when such day would come. So all I can do is to continue to live with DS4, and not to hold back any plans otherwise I would have done. I am going to enjoy my life as much as possible. WH is soooooooooooo deep in his 'fantasy' world, I can't possibly understand him nor 'wait around' doing nothing. So why not try to have fun as much as possible WITHOUT him? Whether he comes back or not, I will live it well in the meantime.

Milk

We never really know what will happen. Sometimes when a person makes the decision to move on it is attracive to the wayward spouse.

He could turn around, and come back.

Or, it may be that he will not "get it" at all.

I have learned that sometimes the things we fear the most can be a great source of personal growth. Not that we seek for bad things to happen, but we always seek for the best outcome we can with faith God will help us make it through.

Sometimes when we are impatient, we seem to be saying that our timetable is more important, or better than Gods timetable.

I think if you do your best, you will be blessed, no matter what he does. Have faith God will turn this to your good.

Yes, I agree with you. Live well, and reap the blessings that come from doing so.

Do you think I should sell my motorcycle? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

SS

Hi SS,

Thank you for your kind words. No, don't sell your beautiful motorcycle <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> You and your wife have built 'trust' and she won't be upset with you over this - well, actually by now she might be enjoying the ride more than you.

I had another sad moments this morning with WH, but my friend yelled at me to 'make some progress'..., to be able to shield WH's behaviors and words. He thinks because I place heavy importance on WH's being nice, when he flips and becomes mean or moody again, that affects me so much. That's true - but 'hating' WH or 'missing/loving' WH is easier than being 'indifferent' and being 'protected' from his actions.

Venting...

Milk

Hi Milk-
Sounds like you had some "ups and downs" over the weekend,
as did I ! Had moments of feeling "okay" and enjoying the
warm, beautiful fall weather to feeling great sadness and
very alone.

I've also spent time lately thinking about some of the same
things you've mentioned- including ways that I "reacted" to
WH, and things I said that were hurtful. I feel like he was
probably "right" to some degree, in saying that I always
thought he was "wrong" and needed to change, while I was
doing everything right and "so perfect". Realize now that
some of those things probably made WH feel unappreciated,
"emasculated", and hurt, and while there is no way to know
if they really made a difference in the affair and all that
has happened, I'm sure they didn't help !
Like you however, I know that I am not all to blame and that
WH alone made the choice to lie and cheat. I do believe I
have changed alot and tried to express to WH that this was
the case, as well as my belief WE could change our M, have
a fresh start, and he is the one who choose not to do that,
and to go back to OW instead.

I think I understand exactly what your IC meant in saying
your WH probably got scared, backed away because the effort
he'd have to make would be "overwhelming". I think that is
a big part of my WH's issues too- think it's just easier for
him to continue with the lying, deceitfulness, and less than
perfect "fantasy" lifestyle he's developed with trashy OW,
than to have to be honest with himself and me, face his own
"demons", and make the effort to build a new marriage, so he
has chosen to "bail" out.

WH too, seems to be on a "minimum contact" now- hasn't sent
an email or tried to call since the incident last Monday
when OW left a nasty message and I told him about it.
Maybe it wasn't smart for me to do so, but I was so fed up
with her stupid games and her calling here ! Guess a part
of me felt like he might actually CARE that his OW would
continue to call and leave hurtful messages for his wife, and that a tiny bit of her inmature, unbalanced, paranoid,
foul-mouthed behavior would get through the fog, but she
probably just denied it, tried to turn it around to make
herself a "poor victim" and convinced him that I was the
paranoid, unbalanced one. They both seem to be incredibly
clueless and naive in regards to being manipulated, lied
to (by each other), and controlled, which amazes me since
they are both SO good at doing it !!!

I am sorry that WH was so indifferent about your health scare. Guess only explanation that makes sense in situations
like that is that the WH are so "self absorbed" they can't
really see or care about anything but themselves. Have just
been thinking about health issues myself, as I realized that
if we do D I won't have any insurance either. Will expect
that whatever new job I take will have benefits, but usually
have to wait a few months, so I may have to go awhile w/out
for awhile, which is a little scary.

I, too, have felt like WH would someday "wake up" enough to
realize what he'd lost, miss me, US, and our life,and want
to really turn things around and rebuild a happy marriage.
Felt like I still had at least a tiny peice of his heart,
and that my "real" H was still in there somewhere, just
very lost, confused and sick. But lately, I've felt such
a distinctive "cold" from him- as though he's made a firm
decision to forget all about us and all we ever had, and
to build a big wall up that keeps him from ever thinking,
feeling, or reconsidering it again. Feel like he's decided
he's "happier" with OW ("ideal" or not) and must have at this last "break up" of theirs, really decided to make genuine effort to have a "real" relationship with her, and
meet her "conditions", which I'm sure included the D, and
having NO contact with me.
Funny that her type of "Plan B" (the dishonest, controlling,
manipulate, dishonest and game playing type) have seemed
to motivate him to do everything she's wanted, while mine,
done in real love, care and honesty, has had no effect !

In closing, just wanted to say that I don't think you have
to worry about DS4 having any doubts, blaming you, or hating
you ! I think his living with you will show him more than
anything you could ever say about character, dignity, love
and strength. He's a smart little guy, and will no doubt
see WH exactly as he is.
Hope your work week is good !
Slammed

Last night I was feeling very strong and positive and actually genuinely felt that "hey, I am going to live my life well and to the fullest. I will enjoy my life. WH may or may not later on want to join us on this fun ride, but that is something I can worry about when/if that happens". It bothers me that just a slightest thing WH says or does can completely change my mindset.

Although now, after talking to my friend this morning, I feel okay. I am going to have to train myself to not be affected so much that I can't even function normally by WH's stupid actions. He is not making any sense so why should I let that bother me???

Yes, when I feel strong, I can truly believe this. It's when I feel vulnerable; those fears can creep up on me...

Slammed, I am glad to hear that OW stopped calling you and you are positively looking for a job. I continue to cross my fingers that you will find a job you enjoy and that having your job again will make you feel financially safer. Good luck!

Milk

It will take time to work through the feelings you are having.

No matter what happens, it will take time. Don't think you have to be perfect right now, or that you can just snap your fingers and never be bothered by what he says, or does.

Realize that you get upset because you care. That's a good thing. You can't just turn your feelings off RIGHT NOW.

It does help to think about what he says and does in the context of what is going on.

He is not the man you married. He doesn't sound like someone that is good for you at all - right now.

Don't try to understand him, logic doesn't apply to someone in the fog.

Do go about your routine and make the most of eacy day. Do plan and dream for a better life for you and DS.

Do expect good things to happen, do expect to be happy.

SS

I had a blowup yesterday with WH and now I am feeling really bad. I did send him an email to apology this morning though.

I first asked him to bring the health insurance card back in the beginning of September, right before our trip. He said he did not receive the cards for us yet, so I let go. When we came back, I asked him again because during our trip my doctor called to let me know that they found something and I need to get another test. He said he would bring it when he comes over to pick up DS4 that weekend. He did not. He said he hasn't really gone through the mail (because right now he is staying at his parents' house and only goes back to his own apartment 1-2 times a week, to get the mail) so would get back to me. Then last week, I asked him if he had a chance to go through his mail to find the cards. He said he would just give me the information rather than finding them and that should be sufficient. But he still did not give me the information, so Sunday night when we were on the phone, I asked for it and he gave me the ID, group #, customer service #, etc. I thanked for it and he said no problem. Then yesterday when I called my doctor to make an appointment, the nurse said I need to physically bring the card because they scan it and save it in their system. I said I have all the info they need, but she said no, I need to bring the card with me. The appointment was made for today. So I called WH yesterday soon as I got off the phone with her. He did not pick up the phone so I left him a message asking him to drop off the cards because unfortunately my doctor requires the health insurance card. Just in case he does not check his voicemail, I emailed him asking the same thing.

He called back and left me a message, and he was upset. He said "fine, I will drop off the card, even though I think it's ridiculous that they need to see the card". I was hurt that he thinks giving me the card (something I have been asking for a month now) is such a big deal to him, but did not think he was actually mad at me - it's beyond my control, after all. So I sent him a nice email "thank you, and sorry for the inconvenience, it stinks that they require the actual card". No reply to that.

Then last night he called and asked me if he REALLY needs to drop off the card. I said yes, and he asked if he could drop it off in the morning so I said that is fine, as long as he comes to my house early enough since I leave home at 6:40AM. He said "man, that sucks, so I have no option but to come ALL THE WAY there to drop it off", so again, I said "I know, but that is what they require - I can't control that". Then he said "yes, you could. You could push them to accept the information because it's the same thing, you could have told them to just write down the insurance information". So I was shocked to see how he was actually MAD AT ME the whole time for something that is not under my control! And I got upset, so I told him "WH, it's really beyond my control, they need to see the card, and besides, I did not ask you the last minute - I have been asking for it for a while". To which he said "fine, I will just come over to drop it off". I was upset and hurt, but just said "thank you" and he said "sure".

Then he came by (but did not ring the door bell because DS4 will get upset) and left the card in my mail box. In the mean time, I was on the phone with my girlfriend and she absolutely HATES WH and thinks he is the most horrible person in the world, so she told me WH probably did not even cover me and DS4. I did not think that was the case, but she told me "how much more does he need to do to you before you realize he is evil?? Stop thinking that he is a nice, honorable person!”

Well, I wish I did not hear that. Because then WH called later to let me know that he had just dropped off, I went to check the card and WH's name was printed on the card, not mine. I later learned that it would be the case if he covered me, but I thought it would be issued under my name, because when I used to cover WH under my health insurance, I got a card for me under my name but also received cards under WH's and DS4's names. And what my girlfriend told me - that I have been naive to try to believe in WH's goodness - came back to my mind, and I lost. I asked "did you lie to me about the insurance?" He said "what?" I asked "did you really cover me and DS4, because this is under your name". He said "I did, I don't know but I never received your cards!" I did not say anything further, but I did not think he was telling me the truth and felt extremely stupid to AGAIN trust him and being lied to. It later turned out, however, that he DID cover me and DS4, so now I am feeling terrible for doubting his action.

Anyway, then he said "now I am all wet" (we had a really bad storm last night), to which maybe I should have said "thank you for coming all the way here", but since I was mad that he lied, I could not say nice things and just said "but WH, I have asked you to bring it to me and you never did - it's not like I just asked you the last minute", then he said "YEAH, you don't give a s##t", so I again lost it. I replied "no, YOU don't give a s##t, you always blame me for anything that does not go the way you want it, and you have proven over and over that you do NOT want to do anything for me or for us, and you only want to do for yourself!" He said he does not blame me for everything, and yelled at me more, and then hung up.

I was furious that I allowed myself to raise my hope and have it crushed again. But then I talked to other friend and he said "you do not have any evidence that WH lied, you should have not told him that". Which made me feel very bad. So this morning I called the insurance company and found out that WH DID put me and DS4's names on his insurance. I felt terrible. This is probably what WH does not like and he must have felt "see, Milk NEVER trusts me, no matter what I do, it's never good enough for her".

I asked him if I should explain why I did and how I felt, but he said "no, don't excuse yourself, just apology, because as a man, I get mad when women excuse themselves - you guys always do. 'I'm sorry, but you know why I did that??’ etc., and I DO NOT want to know, that just pi$$es me off, so don't. Just send him an email to say sorry". So that is what I did. I thanked him for covering us under his insurance and apologized for overreacting last night.

Of course, he never got back to me, and I am sure I will not hear back from him. My friend said that even though what I did last night did not help, it did not speed up the divorce process either, so I should not feel so down. That the only thing I could do was to say sorry. He thinks WH was upset simply because it is TOO MUCH WORK for him to drive by to drop off the card, because he does not want to do things for me, since he does not love me anymore. And he has already made up his mind about D, so it was not like if I acted in more civilized and loving manner last night that he would have changed his mind about D. That's probably true. It's just I felt really bad that I did not trust him. At the same time, he lied to me so many times that it is very difficult to know when it's a good time to believe him.

I need to find the 'middle ground' where I am not being so impacted by WH's behaviors. The reason I flipped last night is that I still have so much emotion for him and hope, and each time the hope is being crushed, I get upset and react. This is not healthy for me and for us either. WH could get mad or act in a nasty and mean way, but I want to learn a way to not "react" to such behaviors/words. How do I do this? And also, I do not want to learn to deal with my behaviors in hopes of "maybe WH will see these changes and may change his mind...", because for one thing that is not a true reason, and secondly I am setting myself up for another hurt if that never happens.

How do you position yourself in the middle so that you do not get upset at WH when he says or does hurtful things and at the same time you do not get excited when he is being nice to you? As of now, I still get excited or get hope when I see him being nice to me or to us, and get upset when he shows that he does not care about me at all. It's been two years and I am still greatly impacted by day-to-day WH's actions. I need to stop this. Please help!

Milk

WH replied with an email saying just "thank you...". I don't know what this "..." means, but will try not to speculate. I'll just be happy that at least he accepted my apology. At the same time, I will not get confused that this might mean anything - no, he just accepted my apology, that is all.

Milk