Hi Milk. It's been a while since I posted to you, but I always keep up with your thread.


Maybe the answer is in your previous post - perhaps you are working too hard? My kids make me happy too, but I do need time for myself, just slobbing out. Do you, Milk, have time to slob?

I'm serious.

{{{Milk}}}

Alph.

Alph, thanks for your concern. I think I do, I do have time for myself every once in a while...

I just had lunch with someone....., and when he used the term 'your pending divorce'......, that REALLY depressed me. It was like I've been pretending that there is no BIG thing coming up in my life but was forced to be reminded of it.

I want to be open and honest here - he is someone I met fairly recently and at the begining I felt like I was falling in love with him (now I'm much calmer). This is NOT the same guy I mentioned in my earlier post (the one who wanted to compete with DS4 for my attention). He knows I'm not divorced yet. I really like him, but am curbing myself. I can tell he is doing the same thing.

He has a lot of qualities WH unfortunaly is lacking. Namely, responsibility, honesty, hard-working, family-oriented, emotional stability, etc. Still, when he mentioned of my divorce (he has never mentioned of this after I told him that we were going through divorce) today, I got cold feet. I couldn't even smile. I wanted to cry. And it wasn't like he was asking questions about it. He just mentioned it to describe something that has nothing to do with actual divorce. But the word was so powerful that it instantly depressed me.

Is this normal? I hate to be in this stage where everytime I hear the big D word that I freeze and cannot even function.

So given what I just experienced, now I am thinking the reason I am not sleeping well at night is b/c I am actually depressed......

Alph, I think I read in your recent post about dating. Did you feel depressed while you were with someone maybe because you felt like you were about to replace your XWH with the new person???

Again, this guy I met recently and I are NOT in a serious relationship. We talk, we like each other, we've gone out for a movie and dinner (and lunch just b/c our offices are close), but that's about it. So I am not thinking that he is taking my WH's place - but it DID feel very weird to think of my D from WH while I was having a casual conversation with this guy.

Milk

I wasn't exactly depressed, but very stressed out. I knew I wasn't ready for the commitment that G was looking for.

I knew we'd never make it as a married couple. We are just too different. I compared him to Ex a lot (with whom I had so, so much in common), and knew that if I couldn't make it with ex, I'd never make it with G.

So I told G that I couldn't offer him the commitment he wanted. We are just dating now (as much as you can when you live in different countries, anyway). But with the distance between us, and the fact that we have no goal to head towards (now I've told him we can't live together) I haven't high hopes for us. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I guess I still have my ex too much in my head. Even if G and I had more in common, I still wouldn't be ready.

You aren't either. But I know you know that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

{{{Milk}}}

Alph.

I know, thanks for sharing your thougs Alph.

Gosh, I just wish that I know FOR SURE what would happen in the future - IF there is ABSOLUTELY NO CHANCE that WH and I will get back together - as painful as it is, I think in some sense it makes things easier when you know the result. You HAVE to move on. Don't hang around waiting for him.... Don't get cold feet just b/c we are talking about D process....., get over it, because it is going to happen whether I like it or not. This staying in a limbo is truly unhealthy.

Well, I guess it's not truly a limbo in my case...., since WH DID file for D in 9/05 and DID make another decision to follow through it in 8/06.....

When people say they would always love their xWs in some way, I believe that. But I am just wondering....., then what do you do if, say 3 years down the road your WS wants to come back but by then you have already moved on??? Wouldn't that make things, in a way, even HARDER for us BS??? I mean, I have already suffered from this whole ordeal for over 3 years now. I am mentally getting ready to move on with my life WITHOUT WH. I'm having many happy days now WITHOUT him. Say I'll want to have a family again in the future. Say DS4 and I are happy again having a solid family....., then if WH comes and says he had made a mistake? I'm sure I would want to slap his face b/c he has no right to mess up someone else's life like this by coming in and out as he pleases, just b/c that's how he feels like it...... I mean, I might feel happy b/c then I may finally feel that it WAS WH's decision, something he could control, that destroyed our family, not mine, but then again, I am sure I would feel extremely stupid for going through this, destroying our family for nothing.

But who knows......, I have heard many stories where former BS actually thanks God that they have found another and better soul mates in the end......

I just feel that divorce is such a waste, absolutely unproductive thing. No one wins. Gee.

Milk

(((Milkshake)))

Thanks Jean.

Gosh, I just wish that I know FOR SURE what would happen in the future.

That one made me smile.

I know where you are coming from, and it REALLY WOULD BE NICE. But not much chance of that happening, is there?

I heard someone say once (probably a sermon in church) that many things we do are like walking out of a lit house into the darkness. We want so badly to see what is out there, but we have to trust God, and take steps into the dark before God lights our way. Even then it's often a small light, that doesn't let us see very far.

Sometimes we get direct guidence, but sometimes it seems like we are on our own. My personal feeling is that God sometimes does it that way to help us learn, and grow, but he is always there to help if we really need direct help.

I can't know all the feelings you have, not having been where you are now, but I know God lives, and I do know he cares, and will help when it's best that he do so.

May God bless you and comfort you through all your trials.

SS

Thanks SS.

Good weekend?

OK?

So So?

Bad? (I hope not bad)

SS

Hi SS, thanks for checking in on me. Yes, we had a good weekend.

On Sun., it was snowing all day, so we stayed in and relaxed. We went to our neighbor's house to eat and watch TV together. Then in the evening, me, two kids (DS4 and my neighbor's daughter) and my dog all went out to shovel the snow (okay, my dog did not help but he was having fun running around in the snow). Then my dog disappeared. He never runs away, but he likes to 'visit' our neighbors’ yards. So I was calling his name, and then realized - that's right, my dog is DEAF. So I started to run around to find him - I did - but then he saw me running towards him and must have thought we were playing some kind of game - then he started to run towards the park we usually go to. I started to run after him, and two kids followed. So here we are, in the snow, an old deaf dog running, followed by a crazy woman who is yelling and screaming his name (my dog hears only if I scream......), followed by two little kids who still had their shovels in their hands. And we all kept falling because it was very slippery! It was so funny. We kept running for about 1/2 mile and then there was a woman with a huge Husky. She literally froze when she saw us (the dog, me, and two kids) running towards them. Then I finally caught up with my dog (I can run pretty fast), and soon as I grabbed him, he fell and rolled over in the snow, which made me slide down too and I fell. Then the two kids kept running towards us while yelling "Mama, wait for us!" "DS4's mom, grab the dog!", and they started to fall too in the snow. It was hilarious! The woman finally managed to say..... "are you okay?" I was laughing so hard. That was fun. Probably our neighbors thought we were crazy.

On Sat., the guy I mentioned in my last post came over. He wanted to take my son to ice skating. DS4 did really well. I’ve been taking him to ice skating since he was 2, and now with the help of my friend, he learned to skate really well. At some point he was going too fast that I could not catch up with him! I was very proud.

I had a very early morning meeting yesterday, and if I had to drop off DS4 I would not have been able to catch a train that would get me to work early enough, so we went to stay over at my soon-to-be-ex ILs. It’s kind of funny, but I DO feel very comfortable around my ILs and feel like they ARE a part of my family. I asked one of my SILs to keep my dog, and DS4 and I went over to ILs. We had dinner together, and DS4 and I slept in their guest room. In the morning, I left early and FIL took DS4 to his daycare later on.

So for the past several days, we have been surrounded by our friends and family who care about us, and it surely felt warm. This morning I received an email from my attorney stating that our4-way conference will take place next week, which undoubtedly depressed me. But my parents are coming just 2 days after the conference next week, so at least I would have something to look forward to. I hope I will be able to handle the meeting without getting too emotional in front of WH.

Milk

We have 4-way conference scheduled for next week. I was getting depressed about it, but have been trying not to think too much about it.

Well this morning WH called at work. He asked "....so, are you going to be there on Thursday?" Since it was completely out of blue, I was not sure what he was referring to at first, then realize he was talking about our 4-way conference. Yes, I said, and told him "well, I was going to tell you this tomorrow when you come over to pick up DS4, but since you have brought it up, I will say this now...., WH, let's try to focus on big picture tomorrow. Let's use that as an opportunity for us to build a framework. Let's not get caught up on small details or disagreement or questions....., we can take notes and revisit later on between us, b/c otherwise it will cost us so much".

WH said "sure, no, I'm completely with you, but I wanted to ask you something....", then he asked "if I give you a reasonable settlement proposal, would you take it? Then we don't even need the 4-way conference".

This is good. This is exactly what I tried to do in 12/05. WH ended up calling me to thank me for the offer (b/c I proposed to give him more $$$ than he was asking), yet only 20 minutes later he called back after speaking to his lawyer to tell me "no, this is NOT acceptable, I need more $$$".

So, after hearing what he was proposing, I said carefully "WH, this does not sound unreasonable. But the question is, are you going to honor it? Last time it took you only few minutes to change your mind because your lawyer told you to get greedy".

He said "I'm going to honor it. Because I am very tired of the whole thing. I do not want this to get ugly and I want us to be able to talk and remain friends. I will tell my lawyer that this is what we want and we will settle, if you agree to my proposal".

So I verbally agreed to his proposal. He said "good, then I will tell my lawyer and will be FIRM with him. I will let you know how it went".

I was releaved BIG TIME, since I was really not looking forward to the meeting next week. At the same time, I was SAD. This is really ending...... And, also I was anxious. Is he really going to honor what he promised this time???

Well it's been a few hours since we talked and I haven't heard anything back from him. I'm afraid his lawyer told him that he was being stupid and he should go all the way to get as much as he could and he was being naive to trust me, etc. Who knows what these laywers do. They play on our emotions, because they know then we end up fighting, which means they will earn more $$$.

After we spoke, I went to the bathroom and cried. After all, WH is not a bad person. By standing up like a man, it almost makes it harder for me....., if he continues to be a jerk, I could just say "screw him, he is a jerk, I am better off without him!". Often time, it does not work that way.....

But I wanted to thank God. It could have been much worse. At least none of us is sick. We are still young and healthy. DS4 is healthy. At least WH and I are acting civil when we meet. At least we do not have much tension when we meet...., and his family still loves me and I love them so much too. It could have been worse, I know. So I am very thankful for that.

Life is a journey and I am still shocked sometimes that WH and I are divorcing. We really believed that we were meant for each other. He engraved on my wedding ring: Forever together with all my heart. I hid the ring somewhere and I don't know where it is now..... I could not see it without crying after WH dropped the bomb.

But I am thankful for the beautiful memories we had together. I wish we could have lived "happily ever after", but at least we had many good years.

I really hope we can handle this without much ugly fights. I hope we can get over this peacefully......

Milk

WH came by to pick up DS4 on Sat morning, and I asked him if he heard anything back from his lawyer. He said no, but then said "but nothing is going to change". He was very firm when he said that, which touched my heart. Of course I did not show that though.

Well this morning WH forwarded emails between him and his lawyer - he, as PROMISED, sent an email to his lawyer after our talk last Friday. This is what he said in his email:

Needless to say this whole period has been very taxing on us, DS4, Milk and myself....
We want to reach an agreement surrounding our assets split and I a have agreed and will not reneg (even if it costs me 20-30K - I don't care ....not worth the emotional loss for DS4, Milk and myself) and end it in an amicable manner.....ending this amicably has value......

We have agreed to the following

1) We have joint custody of DS4 but Milk has primary custody.
2) We split the holidays in half
3) Milk will have title to law mandated xx% of my income (not more)
4) Milk will give me $$
5) I keep the vehicle #3
6) Milk keeps the house, all assets in it (except for few items we have agreed upon), remaining vehicles (Vehicle #1 and Vehicle #2). DS4 likes the house and he belongs in it.

I am comfortable with this settlement and am not interested in settling for anything more...

I realize as my lawyer you are going to talk me out of it ....we are at a point where friendship can be maintained. Even if she sits on most of the assets I am o.k. with that.....

Let’s proceed from here

H
In reply, his lawyer basically agreed with him saying that in addition to considering the real cost of assets, the emotional cost of the dissolution and future relationships must be considered as well, and he told him that if he is happy with the allocation he stated in his email, then his lawyer will NOT attempt to ‘talk him out of it’.

H’s email made me cry. Especially where he said "DS4 likes the house and he 'belongs' in it", and "we are at a point where friendship can be maintained"......, they really touched my heart. That is how he has always been, before the whole thing happened. It seems as if the old sweet H has come back. Of course, I am not trying to set myself up for another hurt by raising my hope for US or anything......, I know this is ENDING, and I am not trying to fool myself...., but it's just very touching to see how he has said it to his lawyer and standing firm to be a man, and trying to honor what he promised. This is basically what he promised in the first place when he moved out.

Again, this is good and bad. It's good, obviously, that he 'cares' that we remain 'friends', and most importantly, he cares about DS4's wellbeing. But it certainly brings back so many 'good' and 'sweet' memories we had together by being a good guy again....

I'm a bit emotional today.......

Milk