My situation goes something along these lines. My wife and I have been married for 2 and a half years and a little more than a month ago I found out she had cheated on me. She said the PA only happened once but I knew the EA lasted longer. Her affair began on the internet and it was happening behind my back the entire time. My wife had come to me several times during her EA and told me she wasn't happy. I spoke with several friends about making positive changes in me in order to help my wife cope with her unhappiness and make our relationship better (see EN). After having done this for about a month she comes out and tells me what she had done. We agreed that a seperation was in order so that she could have time to think as I was willing to work it out and make changes to benefit the relationship. I had put plan A into effect at this point. She left for her parents and stayed a week and we chatted via internet for that week. She then stopped all communication with me which I found odd as we had left on relatively decent terms. I called her parents and eventually my wife called me. She called me from the OM's phone and informed me she had flown across the country to be with him. (Background info: The OM is going through a divorce because of this affair as well. My wife had informed me of this during this phone conversation.)
She still speaks to me via the internet when he is at work and I feel as if she is having both worlds.
What should I do? Should I cut off contact with her while she is with him? Should I keep the lines of communication open?
She is definitely still in the fog when it comes to discussing our relationship. I made a decision as well that any contact she would have to initiate with me. I don't want to seem needy. I am trying to win her back and she claims that she is going back to her hometown in a few days. This would be a much more even playing field for our discussions IMO.

For myself, I am starting individual counselling.

Welcome to MB. Sorry that you're here.

Suggest you repost on the General Questios II board - there are lots of folks there who can help you, and it's the most heavily trafficked part of the site.

In the meantime, here are my suggestions/questions -

How old are you guys? Do you have kids together? Been married before, any children from previous marriages?

Are your finances separate and distinct? Can she drain your joint bank account or run up your joint credit cards? If so...put a stop to it. Take her off anything jointly held, or open your own accounts and take yourself off the joint accounts. This is not vindictive or punitive on your part; her losing access to marital finances is simply a consequence of her actions.

Have you exposed the affair to anyone? Do her parents and other family members know? Have you exposed to her work? Church? Friends? Your own family? The idea is that affairs thrive in secrecy...remove that secrecy and it will put a lot of strain on the affair, causing it to end more quickly.

You want to protect yourself financially, bust up the affair by exposing it, and make yourself out to be the more attractive choice. Once she *wants* to come back to you, it's only then that you can work on the issues that gave rise to this.

But please do post on GQ2; the folks there are way smarter than I am.

What are the consequences to her actions? No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. Apparently she feels she can go across the country and be with her lover while her husband stays home hoping she will return. She is a cake-eater and your are enabling this affair because there seems to be no consequences to her actions. If the roles were reversed, do you honestly think she would be putting up with this crap from you? I would contact an attorney to understand your legal obligations and responsibilities and inform her of this. Apparently she feels she can go across the country to screw her lover and not fear that her husband will file for divorce. It is bad enough that she has no respect for you, but if you do not respect yourself then who will? She is having the best of both worlds: a husband and a lover. She will continue to do this until she sees the ramifications of her actions.