Any references for statistics or published research that may help answer this question?

I've read that about 50% of the time, people just divorce, without trying to work on the marriage.

i heard more people are prone to adultry so i would believe divorce is greater so if 50% divorce maybe 70% have affair so staticly staying together after affair is better %

Oops - Just read on Probe Ministries that 65% of marriages faced with infidelity end.

i didnt know that ......that makes me rethink my efforts

From Shirley Glass' "Not Just Friends":

27% of the couples separated, if the WS was the man.

35% of the couples separated, if the WS was the woman.

49% of the couples separated, if both were WS.

If neither was a WS, separation occured in 10% of the couples she saw.

The possibility of separation was dependent on a number of other factors, e.g.

1. The WS not ending the A
2. The A was EA/PA
3. Both S were WS
4. WW was younger than 31
5. WH described A as more EA than PA
6. Low commitment to recovery at beginning of therapy.

jm75 - Of course most of those didn't know about marriagebuilders.

i know im still gonna fight i just thought the % was a little better but that wont make me waiver.thanks believer

It's much better to fight. That way you can look back in 5 years and know you did all you could. You will be able to be proud of your honor, and you will be at peace.

JM,

Percentages are always skewed.

I read somewhere 64% survive after an A.

I don't really know what the heck that means though.

What do they consider surviving. 1 year, 2 years... or forever? We all know that the scars from the A last along time. The BS might take 5 years to decide.

The other thing is why did they survive? Children, finances, etc.

So until they come up with a statistic that is pertinent to my sitch then they are irrelevent. LOL.

How often does an M survive after an A when, There are two kids, alcoholism, financial strain etc. They don't apply.

I think MIM has it right with his statement.

Not to mention how many people get D because of an A and nobody knows about it.

In my state it is a no fault divorce state. So the reason for a D is not known.

Maybe if it was a fault state we would no more. There may be a lot more or a lot less then is being presented.

does it make sense to any one out there that a bs fights for the m to save ws.
if a person logically wanted out of a marriage it can be dealt with accordingly,but when you see someone you love self descruct and no one else sees it you kind of want that person safe ..after all thats what true love is no?

I married my wife for better or for worse. This is worse. But an A is like a heroine addiction. My spouse last night said, "I can't stop seeing him" in what was clearly a cry for help. Today, she is denying that was the way she said it.

She has said it this way to me 3 separate times. She is moving out, probably this week to move in with OM "on a trial basis" according to him. Reality bites, but I hope it takes a good hunk out of their asses.

I hate fog talk. I tried to explain it to her that heroine destroys everone around the addict. She admitted being addicted.

I think you are right about honor though. I do want to look back and see that I did all that I could.

This is like the opening anecdote of SAA. I mean moving in with someone you have only been with barely 3 months!?!!

C'mon reality hit her, hit her hard! i rant and rant. Anyway, WS do not make any sense.

I don't know any statistics. The ones posted are depressing, hard to keep hope. BUT, I found this paragraph somehwere on this sight and saved it to my files:

"As it turns out, most affairs end within six months of their seeing the light of day (being revealed to their family and friends), and almost all affairs end without leading to marriage. Even those few that end in marriage have only a 25% rate of success. That's because affairs are based on dishonesty and thoughtlessness for the feelings of others. That same dishonesty and thoughtlessness eventually turns on the lovers themselves, and the affair is destroyed by those same flaws that made it possible in the first place. What drives affairs is passion, not commitment, and once the passion wanes, there is nothing to help the lovers restore their passion. Marriage, on the other hand, especially with children, has many factors that motivate couples to restore their passion for each other after passion has waned. So when passion is gone from an affair, a wayward spouse is usually motivated to return to the betrayed spouse by all of these other factors. For most, it's a logical choice."

broke,
First let me say I love your name. Have you read Sophie
Kinsell "Shopaholic" books?
I am a former OW- because I did marry my MM. Based on
the stats provided- I am probably the odd exception.
Now you're probably wondering why I am on this board-
I don't feel good about my past behaviors and my H and I
have worked very hard to atone for as much of the pain
we caused as is duely possible in out situation. I am
hear to both learn and in some way understand my own behavior- how could someone who has up until my involvement in an affair be a pretty ethical and moral person- toss
all that aside- to contribute to someone elses hurt- to
have my joy come at someone elses expense?
You'd have to read all my posts as PinkPaige and the New
Pink Paige to get an understanding of where I come from.
If you think it would be of benefit to you- I will post
my story- from the angle of why we ended up married- nearly
2 1/2 years now and happy. There were things his former
wife could have done that would have probably repaired
and kept their marriage together- but I don't believe she
ever found this sight. She has since remarried and seems
happy and although this does not excuse my actions- I am
honestly happy for her. But I'm still haunted by my own behaviors- 2 1/2 years married and I still have nightmares.

TNPP

I am a former OW- because I did marry my MM

Former OW ? Do you believe your marriage to your OM legitimised your affair ?

The answers don't look good:

Source: http://www.divorcepeers.com/stats31.htm

[color:"purple"] * [/color] Percentage of couples who preserve their marriage after an affair; 64%

[color:"purple"] * [/color] Of those couples who remain married despite an affair, what percentage later describe the marriage as unhappy or empty?; 78%
(This one is especially disturbing.)

Source: http://www.menstuff.org/issues/byissue/infidelitystats.html

[color:"blue"] * [/color] Conservative infidelity statistics estimate that “60 percent of men and 40 percent of women will have an extramarital affair. These figures are even more significant when we consider the total number of marriages involved, since it's unlikely that all the men and women having affairs happen to be married to each other. If even half of the women having affairs (or 20 percent) are married to men not included in the 60 percent having affairs, then at least one partner will have an affair in approximately 80 percent of all marriages. With this many marriages affected, it's unreasonable to think affairs are due only to the failures and shortcomings of individual husbands or wives."

[color:"blue"] * [/color] 17 percent of divorces in the United States are caused by infidelity. (lower than I thought!)


Source: http://www.divorcereform.org/cau.html

[color:"green"] * [/color] Infidelity commonly leads to divorce because we have been told that it should. (How could you go on living with someone who did that to you?)

...It may come as a surprise to many people that the highest divorce rates in the United States are not in the more liberal parts of the United States, but in the politically and religiously conservative "Bible belt" of the country: Fundamentalist religions seem to put adultery at the top of their very short list of justifications for divorce.

At the same time, a great many marriages continue on more or less as usual because the spouse has simply not found out about the infidelity.

Why don't you read my posts under "ThePinkPaige"?
that may help explain.
Our church has forgiven us and granted us legitmate
status after much counseling and work. For some here that
will never be enough but I've had to move on
from that.
You may never agree- but that's ok.

What message do you think your presence here on this marrigebuilding site sends to WS trying to do the right thing and BS coping with the devastation of their lives by an OP ?

I've been welcomed here by several members (once again,
I must refer you to my prior posts).
More honestly, why don't YOU tell me what my presence here
says to you?

There are many welcoming people here TNPP. I am glad you found some.
However I would be still interested indeed to hear what message you believe your presence here sends to struggling, WS and BS as I outlined in my previous question to you.

Of course you have no compuslion to reply.