Hi All, I have a good friend who has nearly non-existent boundries.

Can ya'll recommend some please. She's in a place in her life where she's wanting more for herself & to give less away to others which has been causing resentment.

Thanks! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Boundaries, Boundaries in Dating, and Boundaries in Marriage,
all written by the same authors Townsend and Cloud.

Thanks TR.

I'll suggest these to her.

She seems to have the most trouble with her children & others in her life like friends, students, acquaintances. For people who may be in a position to need something she will ususally go out of her way for then endup resentful. She seems to do fairly well with her H for the most part.

Be her good friend. Why not say or do something positive to her?

If she's fine with her husband, and she's not dating, then the Boundaries book would work, as it is mostly about learning to set personal boundaries.

There is also a Boundaries for Kids book, that she could maybe encourage them to read depending on their ages.

It would help them not only learn to set boundaries but learn to respect other peoples boundaries as well.

Thanks TR. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

zizzy, she's been skirting around the issue for a while. Just yesterday she openly spoke with me about it looking for some help. So, I mentioned the concept of boundaries & said I'd look into books for her knowing my MB friends would have titles for me.

Until this point she has not wanted to examine herself too closely so I waited until she brought the issue up to me. It's kinda like people who need to lose weight or quit smoking. They know they should do something but they have to be ready for change before anything can really be accomplished.

Boundaries for children, too.

But you might also consider recommending some books on co-dependency--as often our inability to separate ourselves from others means that we can't think clearly about we want/need.

And of course, I also love the books "How to talk so children will listen and listen so children will talk" and "how to raise a thinking child" by Faber and Mazlisch... because they really teach how to empathize with another person's feelings without losing our own position.

good luck!

Nams,

I went to Divorce Care at a local church and after going through the Divorce Care program, they offered a Boundary program, it was very helpful. Perhaps your friend can call around to see if any churches in her area offer something similar to that.

Thanks Telly. She's a people pleaser who really doesn't see her actions very clearly.

Here's one small example: She started walking in her neighborhood. Her neighbors saw her out & stopped her to chat, a few wanted to buddy up for a walk, neither of which she wants. She didn't stop briefly to say any of this but got caught up either talking or being unable to say no. Now she has stopped walking because "these people just don't get it". When the reality is she hasn't told them what she really wants because she doesn't want to be thought of as an unfriendly neighbor.

Thanks free. Honestly, I think she would feel obligated in a group setting to be sure all the others needs were met.

I've told her about the book & she said she'll get it. I'll ask in a week or so if she has & if not I'll probably get it for her.

I tried to read Boundaries in Marriage, but I couldn’t get very far. I found the constant referencing of the Bible too distracting. I don’t mind reading something biblically based, or from other religions, but the constant referral to the text made it difficult for me to read.

I gotta say some of the best practical advice I got could have come straight out of Good Housekeeping—Just say “No, thank you.”

Okay, I’m very uncomfortable with the word “no.” So, instead, I say, “I’ll need to think about it. Let me get back to you.” I try to make myself say this first even if I only need a moment or two.

Also, woman to woman, she could couch her no in long explanations. “Oh, I really only walk when I have the time and the inclination. I can’t really schedule it.” Or “I’d love to but I’m totally booked.”

Probably, the people-pleasing goes beyond modifying behavior. I’d recommend decent self-esteem books, and hobbies that encourage people’s intrinsic self-worth. Something so that your friend doesn’t feel her only value comes from making others happy.