I'm not sure if this is the right board to post on... so just tell me if it's not.

I was with my boyfriend for 14+ years, so it felt very much like a marriage to me (I know many here will disagree with me on this one... but oh well). We lived together for 6 years and owned 2 homes together. He basically walked on me last August, so it's been almost a year (I later found out he was having an affair and he moved in with OW). By Oct 2005, we had settled all financial matters... and I have not seen him in person since October. In my own way, I consider Oct 2005 as being the same as having a Divorce finalized. I have had some very limited contact with him via email since Oct, but haven't spoken to him on the phone or in person. The last email I received was back in April regarding tax issues... and since then nothing.

When he left intially, he took some of his things... said he would get in touch with me to get the rest of his stuff. In my last email to him in April, I mentioned it again... no response. My friends think I should donate his things to charity or throw them out, but I can't... I have trouble even looking at his stuff. Plus, after so many years it's hard to say what is "his" and what is "mine". Over the weekend, I did finally clean out and box up a couple drawers in my kitchen that had his important documents in it (medical records, professional certificates, etc)... it killed me to do it... I cried the whole time.

I still, after almost a year, can't believe he left. I keep wishing he would see his mistake and come back. I've tried dating, but just don't feel ready or interested in anyone else. I'm 33 years old and want to be happy, but just miss him so freakin much.

On the positive side, I feel like I have become a better person over the past year. I used to be very dependent on the ex and didn't have a clue about so many things. I've proven to myself, that I can survive on my own... and that's a good feeling. I'm just so lonely.

Thanks to anybody listening... I guess I don't really have any specific question I want answered... just some advice on what I should do. Is feeling this intense feeling of missing him normal? Everyone thinks I should hate his guts for what he has done to me, but I just don't. I honestly wish he could see me now... see how different I am. I feel like such a better person... a person he would enjoy so much more than the perosn I was when he left.

Oh well, thanks again for listening...

--Snoopy73b

The intense feeling of missing him is normal.

Forgiving is good. Dont listen to those that says you must hate his guts.

Oneday you will get a chance to show him that you have grown to be a better person. If he doesnt notice that...someone else will DEFINATELY do.

Hi Snoop!

I think you are suffering because of the misconception in your above statement.

He didnt 'leave' because of YOU. He had an affair. If you had been the problem, he would have sat down and said "we need to break up, we are not a good match" or something to that affect. He didnt leave you, he WENT where his crotch lead him.

Showing him how much you've changed would not affect him. The question should be why would you want a lying, cheating man back? If he had problems with you he could have ended it honorably. He's not he man you though he was. You're missing someone who didnt exist. A ghost.

Can you give his stuff to one of his relatives or friends? Otherwise I'd send a certified letter stating he has x days to get his stuff or it's going to charity or storage (at his expense).

Breakups are always hard. Give yourself time, I grieved a year over the loss of my first relationship. Then I bounced back, stronger than ever. Be gentle with youself, OK? Please take care - Dru

Thanks for the kind responses :-)

I think part of the problem is the lack of real closure. Everything happened very fast. A few weeks before I found our about the affair, I got the whole "I'm not in love with you anymore" talk. Then he pretty much spent the next couple weeks avoided me and saying he was sleeping at work (he's a firefighter, so sleeping at the station is possible for him, yet of course that's not where he was). Then knowing something wasn't quite right, I did a little snooping and discovered the affair.

After finding out, I called his cell phone, left him a message that he needed to call me back ASAP. He did a couple hours later. I told him I knew about the affair. He admitted to it and said he wasn't coming home. We fought on the phone for about 15 minutes, then mysteriously lost the connection (ie. I think he hung up)... and that was it. Other than that one brief conversation that night I found out... nothing.

We emailed each other frequently in the month following... sorting out financial and legal details. He kept saying he wasn't ready to talk about what happened but he would soon.. I waited... he kept promising we'd talk soon... but nothing.

It just kills me that after 14 years together, he was able to just walk away and never look back... makes me feel like I meant nothing to him. Obviously, I really didn't mean a thing to him... kinda sad seeing as now I'm 33 years old... I want kids more than anything... and here I am, back at square one.

Thanks again for anyone who is still listening... I'm just still so not okay with all this. I think I'm a pretty good person... certainly would never think of treating anyway the way I've been treated... ever.

-- Snoopy

Snoopy, I'm just so sorry you're suffering like this. None of us here thought our lives would ever turn out like this ... with just SO MUCH PAIN!!!

Don't know if you believe in God or not, but go to Him just now. He has an answer just for your heart. He will whisper it to you at the right time.

I would also highly recommend getting into a grief recovery group at a good local church. Having those around you that can understand & empathize will go a long way towards your recovery & healing.

I'm saying a prayer for you as I close, OK?

High Flight