Where too start? I have been a viewer for several months now and was afraid to post, but here I go! From the start - Meet my H 11 years ago, we moved away from friends & family. I hated the move but grew to love it. After several years we moved back, again I wasn't happy after learning to love our new location. We married in 00' Twins in 01'.Again several years later another move was possible, this time to another state - not happy! I was a SAHM, during the course of 4 years (marriage) our involvement with each other stopped and we became only parents (Good ones at that- both of us). I tried to express my feelings and he "heard" me. Come to find out my communication skills were poor and he only heard but didn't listen. That's when I became a WS (all this is NOT an excuse for my affair) I became involved with OM 04' as only companionship. After several months we started a relationship. IMO I was manipulated by him, oh he was good at giving all that I felt I was missing assuring me he was the one, my H wasn't (again NOT an excuse). After 1 month of PA I became pregnant (precautions were used). I felt horrible about everything I had done and told my H. All family/friends on both sides had abandon me, with good reason. I felt ashamed, scared, trapped and all alone. How could I face anyone ever again - so I ran. Moved in with OM while still loving my H very much. I miscarried early and time went on. H became involved with OP and more time went on. We (myself & H) remained in contact several times a week from the start, still do all on Good grounds - no ugliness - I consider H as Best Friend. Both of our relationships ended, I suggested marriage counseling he agreed and we started - however we did not share the same reasons. After several visits he became frightened to fall in love again and upon my suggestion we stopped. I in the mean time became very depressed and started self medicating (use of alcohol & other, which is not my normal behavior) & an end life attempt. Use is only when the children are not with me! I really want to work it out with him; I miss my H, extended family and Life. I made a horrible mistake and I'm sorry - very sorry for hurting everyone including myself. I feel like I deserve everything that comes my way and should be punished forever! I LOVE YOU HONEY.....

You are a WS and everyone including WS's are welcome to the boards. When truly remorseful and rependent, and looking to rebuilt their M.

In your situation I dont really know what kind of advise you are looking for.

But you are here and looking for something.

For anyone to help you might need to add a bit more information.

How long did your A lasted?
How long are you separated? or Are you divorced?
Who stayed with the kids?
Where are you living at your own place?

How, why did the OM left you?

And finally, is your H willing to give it a try?

Have you even discussed it with your husband?
___________
Both of our relationships ended, I suggested marriage counseling he agreed and we started - however we did not share the same reasons.
_______________________

What reasons???


And finally, take care of your self, go to IC. Be strong. If your truly sorry, you need to prove it to yourself first. With or without marriage.

Needtime,

Welcome to MB...I hope you can find information here to help with your situation.

You stated that you've been viewing here for a while now...does that mean you've been reading posts only, or have you been through the articles as well?

If you haven't as yet, I'd suggest spending some time in the articles section - I'm sure you'll find a great deal of helpful info there.

If you don't mind my asking...are you still self-medicating?
If so, do you think you have it in you to stop?
My reasoning is this...how can you clearly take a look at your situation and make healthy, positive changes when your looking at things through an alcohol and/or drug induced fog?

Like Lost Willow said...you have to take care of yourself first...so you have the strength to take care of your situation.

needtime...

where are you living now..
and who has the children...

first off there isn't a soul here that believes you need to be in perpetual guilt and blame for your actions..

this whole site is all about learning to change behaviors and learning to be a person who is no longer capable of entertaining such actions...

you can do that..
infact you must do that...
EVEN
if your marriage does not recover...

you must heal for you
for your children
etc...

are you divorced
who lives with whom
what the ****** are you using...besides alcohol???!!!
what are YOUR plans to stop using...

ARK

welcome need.....


Does this mean you expect your H is reading here?

Is he still involved with his OW? You say it ended, but are you sure?

Lostwillow, Banyak, ARK^^ and worthatry

Thanks for the reply. My A lasted almost 1 1/2 yr. we (OM&I)lived together the whole time. We (H&I) have been separated for about the same time. The divorce will be final in Nov. 06', although we will not make it final so as I can have medical insurance - we went through a mediator for the separation, without complications. I do have my own place, I moved out of our new home and into an apt. seeing how I was a SAHM I could not afford the mortgage. The kids live 1/2 and 1/2 with each of us. The OM left because he was unable to support a family and realized it really wasn't what he wanted also he did not like the fact thank I still loved my H and spoke to him daily. I really thought H was willing to try but it turns out other wise. I went to counseling with intent to resolve and fix, I'm not sure what his reasons were but do know at this time he didn't want to try and work it out. I'm unsure how to bring the situation up again.

As for the other reply's from Banyak, ARK^^ and worthatry. I have been only reading posts have not viewed any articles, I will look into them soon - Thanks. I am still self-medicating with alcohol and cocaine - although the amounts have dropped ALOT, I am going to start to seek help with the problem before I have an addiction on my hands. I am still very depressed and often think everyone would be better off with out me around seeing how I have turned into someone I don't even know anymore. My H used this site a couple of years ago and it seemed to really him I don't believe he has been on in awhile, he suggested I view and post 6 months ago but I never did based on fear of being rejected for my actions. I am sure his relationship ended but he is now currently searching/dating again. I am hoping he will re-enter this site seeking advice to try and mend our separation and return to a better quality of life as a family. My/our children seem to be ok with what is going on, but I know they must hurt - they are almost 5 (twins). Thanks to all for the advise/questions, hopefully some good will come out of this.

Much Thanks
Needtime

If you can't stop the "meds" cold turkey, you already have an addiction on your hands.

If I was a your BH I wouldn't be interested in reconciling with an addict, either. JMHO

I could be interested in reconciling with a former addict.

Please do see a doc about real anti d's.

Will you tell us the MB name used by your H previously?

WAT

Post deleted by needtime

NEEDTIME

did you read your husbands posts here?

he did try hard to get you back you know.

TONY.

213601

I am very aware of the attempt he made to try and resolve this situation. As my first post stated, everyone turned on me and told me to leave! I wasn't welcome anymore..... I felt at the time, it was for the best that I turn, run and hide in shame (for good reason)

needtime

Need Time,

Let's try to avoid the turning and running scenario this time OK?

You really seem to have honest intentions here, and given that I'm sure there are many who would be more then willing to listen and try to help.

You must know by now that booze and cocaine aren't going to fix how you feel inside. It's great that you've cut down, but until you quit entirely your thoughts and feelings WILL remain distorted. How can you possibly reconcile if you aren't thinking clearly?

Take care of yourself, and learn to be the best person you can. You'll like yourself more...and maybe he will too.

Also...if you decide to see an MD about AD's BE SURE to tell him about your substance abuse first! If you don't, you could be putting your health at serious risk.

B.

B.

Hello needtime!

Don't leave but expect some not so nice replies or even anger replies. Understand there's many people here hurt by infidelity.

For now I believe the best is for you to get some IC.

Be the best person you can be.

Don't run from it. Be strong. Don't expect it to be easy. As much as you would like that your husband just started reconciliation it wont happen that fast. It's going to be hard work. Work on yourself and you have a chance to make it.

Keep posting. There's lots of wise people here.

lostwillow

I am a BS with a WW that has moved out of the home as well. I am new to this so I have some advice and some questions.

You have to work on what you can control. You have to work on yourself. needtime, I think that your BS "needs time". I am positive that your BS still thinks about you, but he has absolutely no reason to believe you now. What I have learned as a BS is that actions speak louder than any words or apologies. Truly look inwards to figure out what you want; know that to get him back, you will probably have to be brutally honest about whatever he wants to know. Stop your self-medicating addiction. Be a good mother, these are the things that might make him take notice.

It will not be easy (based on the other posts that I have read here), but you must attack your drug addiction with zeal, it will tear apart the remaining fabric of your life.

Don't give up hope. Post. Often.

Questions:
How did your H handle the children being around OM ?

How did your H interact with OM ?

How did the OM "change" once the children came into the picture ?

How did the children change ?

Did your H go through a period of not contacting you (returning your calls), when this first started ?

Who initiatied these "daily" calls between you and your H ? Were they 'friendly' and platonic only ?

Did you consider your affair a 'romantic affair' ?

Sorry for asking all these questions, but I have a similiar situation with my WW (she is about 11 months into hers), and I would like to understand from someone who has been there ...

patience01

NT, will you husband's insurance cover re-hab?

If you've been doing coke, your chance of quitting on your own is pretty low...it's one of the most addictive substances on the planet.

See if your H would be willing to support you going to rehab.

Even if he won't...I think it's the only way you'll get out of this mess...

Patience01

Thank you for the post. I will answer all of your questions as honest as possible. I have stopped the self-med. been about 1 1/2 wks. This is not nor was ever my normal behavior, it only started about 3 months ago. I am a good Mother, have always been and will always be. My H shares the same beliefs as I do or else the children would not be with me half the time. He knows there is no use when the kids are here. I hope to later this evening read all of your post's - I am not a person to be giving advice due to my actions but I have always and will always be a good listener with an open heart. I hope that you can resolve your complications - Family is top value. I will check to see if you have private email address and give you my H info. from his posts here - This site was very helpful to him.


My H did not welcome the OM being around the children, but over time he realized that the children really liked OM and that he was very good with them.

As for interacting with OM at first he wanted to speak to him, after time he wanted to shout at him, but all in all when H would call me (everyday just about) he just gave respect without conversation - sometimes comment's were made like THIS is her HUSBAND etc.

The kids were always in the picture, he found it very difficult seeing' how he had none. He watched the kid’s alot during my schooling. At the end he realized that "family/children" was not his cup of tea - this is one of the reasons for his leaving. The involvement and time needed was far too strong to handle.

As for the children, when H and I separated they were only 2 yrs. old I guess it made it somewhat easier on them being so young and not realizing what was up - I also believe that because H & I treated each other with respect while in each others company and during conversation, the kids saw that and thought nothing was wrong - on the surface.

Contact was made each and everyday through out and still continues today.

No one initiated contact it was/is necessary for the children. Most of the conversations were 'friendly' and platonic although some were not - as any other "couple" in this situation or not.

My A was not romantic in the beginning, it was more based on feeling companionship, conversation while someone listened and feeling as if (If I may say) someone wanted to please me sexually as I had for others. After living together for 1 yr. I thought it became romantic but as I look back it really wasn't it was just EA & PA - nothing more.

Needtime

NT I’m sorry my post sounded rude it wasn’t meant to be.

Welcome to MB.

I know nothing about addictions so listen to others that would help you, you need to stop
Self-medicating, before you could have a chance to a decent life.

Would you want to go back to an addictive spouse?

Then why would your H?

I know your D is going to be final soon, but you need help with your dependency,
Not to get your H back but for you, you need to get well and move on for yourself,
And for your kids.

From your post you are a decent person, you came here didn’t you?

Keep posting we will help, a lot of people are looking out for you, I will keep an eye
On your post.

You will be ok with or without your H, remember that k?

And you can call me Tony.

((((((NT)))))).

Tony.

Update.
Oops I guess I posted before I read your last reply.

I knew you where a good person, just got of the wrong exit for a while, keep up the good work, find something that makes you happy, and do it, even if you don’t feel like it,
Just do it.

And before you reach for your medication post it here first we will help.

Have fun with the kids they love you; I know I have 2 of them.

No body can judge you here you are your own judge.

So have mercy on yourself and start your recovery.

Tony.

needtime, Thanks for taking the time to respond to my questions. Your self-awareness of the situation shows that you are willing to take the crucial steps necessary to change your life. The honesty that you are willing to share with everyone on this board, is the type of honesty that you have to share with your husband.

I hope that my WW can start to come out of the fog like yourself.

needhelp...

does your husband know you are using
does your husband know you are interested in reconciling.

ARK

needtime

how are you doing today?

keep posting you will feel better.