Well I guess it's really serious between WH and OW now. She filed for D. They've been living together for a few months, she is 17 years younger than WH.

I was hoping this was just a fling for WH, that this A wouldn't last.

Guess it's time for reality for me.

I've filed D already, but was hoping that by some miracle WH would wake up and see what he did and what he's missing.

Guess not.

catgirl.....yuk....I'm so sorry chere. If you don't want a divorce....why are you filing again? Why not drop it and let him start the process all over again....and do all the work. Might delay things long enough for the OW to make some important mistakes and for the fog to clear.

cat - don't jump yet!

How do you know OW filing for D isn't a manipulation tactic?

How do you know this won't be the line beyond which your H starts getting queasy?

This is good news in that she's upped the ante.

The ante has to get upped before decisions to bail by the WSs can be made.

Every affair has a threshold level beyond which it gets uncomfortable.

Relish this movement. In affairs, the status quo is bad. Nothing changes. Fence sitting results. Movement is good, because the movement may result in turmoil.

JMHO

WAT

ditto star

Why did you file?

Because you want a divorce?

If so, why are you here?

Cancel the filing and let him know.

NEVER file for divorce unless you want one.

JMHO

WAT

I agree with WAT....it's one of those counter-intuitive moments. It's one of the milestones that makes re-evaluation more likely. This dark cloud may have a silver lining. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks!


I've posted in another thread, guess I should keep them all together.

A recap...

I filed for D last month. Something at the time, I thought was the right thing to do. I was tired of being lied to for months and months. WH has been having A, still doesn't admit it. Says they are just friends and he's letting her live with him because OW and her H are having trouble. Yeah right!

Anyway, I found proof that they are in a PA, talked about their future together, she said she loved him etc., and at the time I felt D was the way to go. We had been having problems, went to MC, he left, got his own apt. for supposedly a trial sep. to get his head together. During this time the OW moved in.

I NEVER wanted to file, mostly for the kids sake, but WH showed no remorse, nothing. As I said he has yet to admit he's in an A!

I guess I'm scared to withdraw the petition. He will not back down now. I know that. If I withdraw, he'll just refile, and make me look like a fool. I've been made a fool for the past several months, I have some pride left. I guess in a sick way I wanted the upper hand and filed before he decided to. I didn't want to sit home while he was supposedly getting his head together, all the while shacking up with the OW.

Guess I was too impulsive and should have waited.

His pride won't let him come back here, I know that. He's in too deep now. I think even if things don't work out, he'll stay with OW just to prove that he's happy. Maybe WH encouraged her to file, who knows?

I'm trying to do a plan B, so I don't know anything about him and OW now, what's going on etc. All I hear is from the kids when he takes them, but they say he doesn't mention her at all.

I talked to OWH a while ago. He has no interest in saving his M, so he can't help me.

We go to court in a few weeks for a preliminary hearing, get motions in place etc. The D should be final by fall.

Some days I don't want him back knowing the ****** he's put me and the kids through. Other days I want him. My IC says I'm just lonely and want familiarity. Maybe that's true. I'm on AD's. Who knows if they are working.

Next week is our anniversary. Not looking forward to that.

cat - you two having a pride contest?

I've got a deal for ya.

Don't withdraw the filing and let me have your kids.

Guaranteed, sight unseen, I won't allow my pride to get in the way of their wellbeing.

OK?

Good deal huh?

Oh, you think that's ludicrous?

SO IS FILING FOR DIVORCE WHEN YOU DON'T WANT ONE!!!!

OK, all sarcasm off.

Swallow your pride and do THE right thing.

Understand?

WAT

Sweetie....you're not doing a Plan B....you're doing a Plan D. Plan B is a marriage saving strategy....Plan D isn't. Plan B saves your pride just as well as Plan D....only Plan D ends your marriage in the process.

If he files again....so what? Just takes more time....and time is on your side.

He won't even ADMIT to what he's up to, and you jump to the conclusion he's ****** bent on a divorce????

You said you have PROOF of their affair, have you exposed it? Have you confronted him that you KNOW the truth?

This is far from over, unless you want it to be.

O.K. I got what was coming to me!

I know I've been an [censored] by wanting one thing and doing another. I guess I just feel like it's too late. He told me in MC it was over. Then wanted a trial sep to "work" on us. He never did work on anything, kept stalling me, saying he needed more time. In that time OW moved in. If he didn't want the D, believe me, he's had many opportunities to tell me. I told WH I didn't want D cuz of the kids. He doesn't seem to care about them.

I have exposed. OWH knows, friends know, WH parents know, OW parents know. They are not pleased she is living with someone old enough to be her father that has kids. But OW doesn't care what people think. Exposure did nothing.

I told WH I know they are having an A, having sex, living together. He said nothing. I asked if he denied it, he said he's not saying anything.

He told DD it's not what everyone thinks it is. She's just livng with him cuz she has no where else to go. Sure!

Maybe I'm just dumb, but I know he'll refile now that OW has filed, I imagine they are planning their life together.

I'm doing a plan B just for myself. So I don't want to have to see him right now.

So what now? I withdraw and he refiles. What does that prove?

He will see kids this weekend. Do I talk to him then and see how he feels?

I don't even know what the he** I want anymore!!!!

cat

in my opinion, you should witdraw the filing

YOU don't want a divorce....do you?

if he refiles...so what?

you won't look like a fool. you'll look like what your are....someone who still loves thier H and wants a chance to save their marraige

Cat,

If you really don't want this divorce then withdraw the filing. if he refiles nothing you can do to stop it but at least he will know you stand for your marriage.

When I filed it was for LS, his answer to that petition was divorce but no matter wha he did I still held firm on saving the marriage.

He knew the day of our court trial for the divorce I didn't want it. Eveyone knew the judge and both attorneys but as long as he wanted it thats all it took.

But I will tell you one thing now, I will always be able to say I did all I could and I stood for our marriage and family until the bitter end. Can my Ex say that? No way and believe me I know the day will come when he will regret what has happened, as for me no regrets I did my best.

So if your not sure please withdraw the divorce make him do the dirty work. Don't make it easy for him and her stand for your marriage until the bitter end if thats what you feel.

Hurting

How do I withdraw?

We go to court next week. He hasn't paid me in a few months. I'm broke. This is to get $$ from him.

I might just wait till after then to withdraw, so I get $$. He's refusing to pay me anything.

That was part of why I filed too. To get some legal hold on him. He was pissing $$$ on OW and not giving it to us.

Maybe I should have just filed a LS, would have done the same thing.

What will my lawyer think? That I'm an absolute nut who doesn't know what the he** she wants!!!!!

Cat,

You need to speak to your attorney about this and see if you can ammend the filing to a LS. I am not sure if it can be done but you can ask.

Cat I have been in your shoes my EXWH stopped giving me money as well and thats why I filed my LS. I had no job after being a SAHM for almost all of our marriage and its hard. I feel your pain and i understand your reasons for filing. You have to protect you and your children but there have to be other legal ways besides divorce unless thats really want you want.

As Orchid says your heart and mind are not in sync yet and in my heart I don't think you want the divorce. So try another route if you can for the money situation until you are sure.

Call your attorney today and see what you can do. Your in my prayers Cat.... Don't be like the WS and let pride stand in your way of fighting for what you believe in, because someday the pride will fall it always does. And your WH like mine will have to eat that pride one day.


Hurting

Edited to add: Who cares what your attorney thinks you are the boss, you pay him to do what you want.

cat,

You are making some assumptions about things that might not quite be correct:

1. Removing you divorce filing: Talk to your/a lawyer and see what you can do. There are laws in place that protect mothers with kids like you who are abandoned by the working father. You really need to look into this.

2. The effect the removal of divorce filing will have on your WH: Forcing him to be the one who files for divorce is a huge opportunity. Many WS's we've seen will not do it themselves. They instead try to prod and insult their BS into doing it themselves. This removes the WS of the act of 'pulling the trigger'.

My FWW would not file for divorce. She and the OM instead tried to wait me out until I was low enough that I filed for the divorce myself.

3. The effects of exposure: Exposure never takes it's affect immediately. It's more like a poison to the affair that slowly kills it over time. Right now your WH and the OW are still under the effects of the affair addiction, so they are willing to overlook the friends, family, and respect that they have lost. But as reality sets in, their relationship will be less and less healthy. They will begin to resent each other for the pain and loss that surrounds them. Exposure does work. It just takes time.

Called lawyer to see what can be done. Lawyer is on vacation this week. Actually won't be back until our court date. I just might go through with the court date. It's to set up $$ for us, and we are broke!

I think WH wanted to cake eat and actually never in a million years thought I would file. He was stalling me everytime I asked him when we would work on our marriage as he said he wanted the trial sep., got his own apt. etc., all the time he was planning on moving OW in, not working on our marriage.

At the time he didn't know I knew of his A. I think he was hoping to keep it a secret and cake eat. When I found out, his plans changed. Still he didn't file, I did. He probably would have, had he had the $$. I know he had contacted a lawyer.

I don't ask him about OW, so I really have no clue how exposure is working. I do know that OW could care less about what her parents think, she told them it was none of their business who she was living with. Don't know how exposure is affecting WH though.

I'm sure they are happy as pigs in shi*. He's still with her, so I assume he's happy or he would have kicked her out by now.

Well found out that WH put OW on his lease.

I asked him what his future was with OW and he said there is no future, they haven't talked about it. Yeah right!

Guess it is serious.

I think I'm at the point, let them have each other.

im my opion things take time unless you feel completly fine with letting him go then fine
but if not play the cards you were dealt so you dont have any regrets
im no expert and in the same sitiuation you r but just see how it all unfolds
good luck and sorry your here