Argh!! Went to lie down for a few minutes with DS5, and he just started talking about his trip to animal kingdom with miss troll. On and on about how she went to ride expedition everest (he called it the big mountain with the rollercoaster that is broken at the end.). Miss (troll) is so nice!

Well, I'm going to go lay down alone for a while. I went to bed last night a soon to be divorcee, and I go to bed tonight with a record. $hit.

CS,

U gots support hugz coming out from the middle of the big blue. 4 U and your family not for the WS..... I don't hug WS'. LOL!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Ok, this ain't done yet.....ask him which character is giving the hi-5 vs the one that called CFS? Crazy.

File what u need to file.

take care,
L.

Stonecold,

Did Toolman know that one thing that he reported to the authorities about you wasn't true? Did he KNOWINGLY make a false report? You need to have him charged with making a false statement. Today. What he did was so low, so devious, so utterly without decency, that he needs to fully face the consequences for his actions. If that means jail time, then it was his choice. You have no idea what the long-term repercussions of this will be. You have no idea what kind of living h*ll you might have to go through from this investigation. Most importantly, you have no control over what will happen to your kids if this investigation spins out of control. Toolman did this because he is a devious little sh*t. He was probably mad that he got caught, mad that you shut down his access to the money, mad that you were going to the lawyer. So, he did his best to thwart you and put you in your place. It's all about him having control over you. He wants it all -- the money, the business, the kids, the houses and the little tramp. He didn't want you to have any control at all. He screwed up big time.

You have to completely shut down any sympathy or feeling you have for him. Nail his b*lls to the wall. He's messing with your kids now and risking their well being. If they get tied up in the social services system in investigations, who knows what will happen. You have to be a mama bear right now. It's time for him to face the music. You have to protect yourself from him. You do that by fighting him with everything you have over this DCF charge. Don't assume anything will be all right. You make sure that you are cleared in all this and that he pays for misusing a system like this for his petty revenge. Malicious and false charges should carry some hefty penalties. He put his kids at huge risk, tried to destroy you, and had the resources of the Dept spent on false allegations when there are kids in real danger that need protecting. He's a weasel. He needs to pay. You need to protect yourself.

I'm the type of person who would try to be fair in a D. But, if my H pulled what yours did, I would take everything I could. You have the control here. Use it. Keep him away from you. No dinners, no playing nice.

Is your company only owned by you two or are there investors? He's misused company funds for his wh*ring. If there other investors, they might like to know about that. They might want to take legal steps.

If Toolman has no business, no money to spend on 5 star hotels, no fancy cars, no fancy houses... I wonder how many 20 year old bimbos will want him?

I told my H about this. He was so angry. From his male perspective, he said that you need to hammer Toolman with everything you've got. Toolman's going for your jugular. Protect yourself and your kids. This is all out war. You're the one in the power position. Don't go soft on him. If you start to waiver, look at your kids and picture them in fostercare and let that guide you.

Do you still have the cell phone? Get it to your lawyer and into a safe place. Who knows what's on that? It could have all sorts of info for your divorce case, for a criminal case... who knows what he's been up to.

Be strong. Protect yourself. Call the DA about these false charges and see what can be done to clear yourself and to make sure Toolman understands the seriousness of what he did.

stonecold,

I'm still worrying about your sitatuion. You could be charged with child abuse, child endangerment... you could lose your kids. One of the worst things that can happen to an innocent parent, is to have false charges made and be sucked in the the DCF system. You have got to act fast. Toolman seems like the kind of jerk who will do anything to get even or to win, even it means destroying the lives of his own children. He really is an evil b*stard.

Please, please talk to the people you know in the police department, the DA's office and your lawyer today. You can't risk letting this thing get out of control. And EXPOSE to everyone. People need to know that when you caught your cheating, lying H banging a college student and you rightfully cut off your family and business money so he couldn't spend family resources on his girlfriend, that he maliciously made false charges to the authorities. You need everyone to know to protect yourself. He's the one who looks really bad in all this. You have to take this very seriously, because the stakes are way beyond a beach house or a business now. The stakes are as high as they get. If Toolman goes down in this mess, he created it from the very beginning. He rejected his wife over a few pounds from having HIS kids, he had the affair, he made false accusations that could land in you in jail and his kids in foster care. He needs to be stopped.

SC,

GU makes some valid points. Hope Toolman isn't that desparate but you can't assume he won't be. Better t/b safe. There are only so many things a WS can do within the law before he steps over the law and gets caught. Do not prevent him from getting caught.

Btw, the Ws' do that well all by themselves at times. Just in the nature of their beast. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> I'll atest to that one. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

L.

Orchid,

The damage has really already been done. The only way for Toolman to TRY to clear stonecold is to admit he broke the law and turned her in maliciously. Even then, the investigation could go forward. It's really out of his hands, even if he acts like a decent human. What are the odds he will admit he lied to try to cause her trouble and to get even? Will the authorities believe him?

We've all read about situations where innocent people have had their lives destroyed from being reported to child protective services. Florida is known for the incompetence of DCF. And I believe that once serious allegations are made against someone for abuse and neglect and endangerment, that they must follow up. Maybe stonecold will be lucky and they will drop the case. But Toolman made very serious charges.

I just want to make sure that stonecold is getting legal help to get this straightened out, so that she doesn't end up in some horrible situation with her kids in some foster home. And Toolman has shown what his character is truly like. It's one thing to be a typical, low-life cheater who tries to sneak around and lies to cover it. It's another to call your wife into the authorities to accuse her of kidnapping, beating the kids, drinking around them, and being crazy. He knew what he was doing. He even threatened her that he would spread these very lies. At this point, stonecold needs to insure that her children are protected from this man, who would rather punish their mother than keep them safe. Imagine what these kids will go through if they are interviewed and asked if their mom abuses them. This man is the lowest of the low. From his behavior, she cannot trust him and she has to take whatever steps are necessary to keep the kids safe from being taken from the home.

It's a sicker level of manipulation. It c/b showing he is getting desparate and out of control. Those in the public service arena s/b familar with those attitudes. I know the police in my area picked up on it right away. When they would not believe the then WS, he got real mad. Unfortunately for him, he took out his anger by calling the officers names....not a good thing t/d. Their tolerence level was lower than mine.

I agree she and her family s/b protected and the matter needs t/b cleared. The lower he puts himself the more there w/b to dig up. That is his job though. She needs to get to a mental, emotional, physical and financial place of safety.

Boy that ow is a real 'good' influence o that ol' boy, eh? NOT!!!!!

L.

Thank you, Orchid and Grownup, for such thoughtful advice. I'm so grateful you are still thinking about me, even when you surely have issues you need to deal with, as well.

Here's the sit:
Went down to see step dad in the hospital today. He seems a little better, but is very agravated and punchy, probably because his jerk doctor didn't tell him all the little things to expect after colon surgery. Tubes every oriface, special stockings, excruciating pain, etc.

Ok, now for me and the family. I am just vascilliating between extreme sorrow and extreme anger. I look around at everything that is about to be lost, and I'm sad. Then I think about how toolman jeopardized it all by his call to DCF, and I'm really pissed.

Toolman continues along his track that he is very sorry that the DCF call resulted in so much trouble, and he went down to the courthouse and wrote (something) on a piece of paper and handed it to the clerk. I don't think it came close to admitting a false allegation.

Sad fact is, toolman truly DOES believe I'm a terrible mother, and an unstable freak. He tells people this all the time. He's told my parents before, and he's told my friends. For him, growing up in a family was a quiet, passive agressive situation. To have someone like me who "tells it like it is" and screams and shouts at times, creates intense fear on his part. Is he in any danger? Of course not. Are the children in danger? Obviously not. But because I will stand up and say "screw-you!" when I'm being verbally abused, he calls me a non-medicated bipolar.

Problem is this: Even though I will probably win the war, there will be collateral damage to my children and me. Do I charge him with the felony? Will that help things?

Here's what I'm hoping for (and remember, toolman might be reading this): I want to file for the D this week. I want to go into mediation immmediately to hammer out the custody situation. From what I understand, custody is the most expensive and contentious part of the D in many cases. I am willing to agree to rotating or primary custody. Hopefully, toolman will agree this is the best interest of the children. If not, then I guess it's world war three.

I would like to keep our savings and investments for the children, but if custody becomes an issue, I guess that money will be going to the attorneys' children. And yes, if the custody situation does not look like it can be resolved, then I MUST pursue the false allegation charge. I will also pursue slander charges.

I think WH has a lot on his plate to think about. Hopefully some of the fog will lift and he will see all the destruction he has left behind. When he realizes the shame he has brought to our family and himself, and how he is now the laughing stock of our friends, I hope he comes up for a gulp of real air.

It really depends on what happens with DCF. If it tooks like they're going to investigate you or even charge you, then yes, of course, you show that toolman's initial charges were a false statement. If you trust the opinion of your attorney, I would see what he has to say.

You said in an earlier post (before the social worker showed up), that toolman threatened to lie to people about the same things he alleged in the police report. Did he actually say he would lie and did he use the word lie? Does he think you have actually beaten the children?

I can see that he could go off the deep end diagnosing everyone with a mental illness. I remember a post he made when you two were both on the forum where he went off on some psychobabble, long, drawn-out explanation about himself and all the drugs he's been on and everything that's wrong with him. I tried to find the post, but I couldn't get it to come up on a search.

If you are a decent mother and have never abused your kids and he truly thinks you are abusive, then maybe he's the one who's all messed up here.

I thought I remembered you posting somewhere that you nursed your kids until they were toddlers. Are you an attachment parent? If so, I think you could make a huge case that you are devoted to your kids and that you are very bonded to them and vice versa.

I hope that this all resolves without it getting ugly. I hope the DCF sees this as either a vindictive husband in a divorce or an unstable man who sees abuse where it isn't happening. What exactly did toolman say to the caseworker while she was there? Did he try to say that you were a good mother then?

Watch your back -- whether he's purposefully trying to stir up trouble or if he's so unstable that he'll make impulsive calls to the authorities accusing you of abuse, neither scenario is very good.

I hope you're getting some sleep and that things settle down for you and your kids.

GrownUp, yes, we were vigilant participants in attachment parenting. I nursed both children exclusively for months, and we made most of our friends through attachment parenting playgroups. We use the Sears books for discipline and bonding advice.

Toolman used to respect the sacrifices I made for the sake of the children, but then things started changing. I'm not sure which happened first, but after years of this, either I got depressed, or he started losing respect. Maybe both were happening at the same time.

I will be the first to own up to the many mistakes I've made, and possible flaws in my personality. Certainly, I have much to learn on this journey, and certainly, when I die, I will not have learned everything. I am doing the best I can, and I'm deeply sorry that wasn't enough for toolman.

Right now, I'm looking at all the "sunk costs" into making our children as well-adjusted as they are (all the parenting, volunteering in school, extra-curricular, long talks, and more, and I just don't want to SCREW THEM UP in the process of getting this divorce.

Certainly, things have deteriorated between toolman and I where we are no longer modeling healthy marital behavior. I have allowed myself to play the victim role, and instead of standing up for myself, I either swallow it down or lash out inappropriately. I do not want my daughter to think this is ok, and need to break the cycle. I also don't want my son to think that it's ok to disrespect your wife the way toolman has done.

I am trying to swallow my anger, and hope that we can remain civil through the proceedings. I've let toolman spend the day with the kids today, picking out surfboard for DD9 and going shopping for some other stuff, then going surfing. Now they are with me for the night. Tomorrow am, I've told toolman he can do his normal routine of making pancakes with the children, then he can clean up and go.

(I will leave the house during this, though, because I can't stomach watching him with the children, enjoying himself. This is all about THEM, not HIM. I can't just snatch their daddy away, even though, right now, I truly hate him for what he's done to us.)

GU, Is the post you were referring to?

Thank you for getting that quote FF...I can't seem to get the link working to that whole thread, but in reading it just now, I see a bunch of stuff was covered...

Toolman seemed to truly regret his A with the little woman, and if I were to tell him he would be bedding her again in a few months, I don't think he'd ever have believed me.

Here was my response to his allegations...showing just how far apart we've been on this:

Re: replies from his side [Re: Cherished]
#2875316 - 12/02/05 07:14 AM



First of all, I've NEVER been diagnosed as bi-polar in my life. Toolman and I see the same shrink, and he thinks I have the garden-variety depression. This same shrink knows how I use alcohol to self-medicate, and I've told shrink that I'm probably an alcoholic. After many sessions, he still does not categorize me as an alcoholic, and has had few concerns of prescribing meds that can impact liver function. The image that Toolman presents of me, makes me think that I must look like jabba-the-hut with stars around my head, and a bottle of whiskey in both hands.

In fact, I can and do get on the treadmill several times a week, and run/walk for 90 minutes, on a steep incline. I can bench press more than any woman I know, and leg press over 300 lbs. (My stamina and leg strength surpass Toolman's on any day.) I am a member of two health clubs, including Curves for women. Today is my 291st workout at curves in the past 3 years. I'm sorry, but most folks would define me as "active" or "very active."

Toolman doesn't acknowledge any of the headway I've made in many areas. I've completely given up my 2-3 liters of Diet Pepsi a day (Sorry Mel), and don't drink more than 5 glasses of wine a week. I work out at least 4, sometimes 5 days a week. I get my finger and toe nails professionally done, and do a very time-consuming 4 color hair process to make my naturally dark brown hair look younger and fuller, and cover those greys!

While I spend virtually no money on clothing or shoes (not very feminine I know) since I shop at Walmart for the most part, clothing has never been a big factor for Toolman. Actually, I think he's always liked that "slutty" look, but I've always resisted him on that.

With all that said, Yes, I did give up on my looks after the babies. Yes, I was sleep deprived and had serious post-partum depression. Yes, we had virtually no support with the first child, and we were clueless. Yes, I breastfed both children for over 18 months each. Yes, I spent the first two years of each of their lives with them, never taking more than an hour or two at a time to myself. I did not leave either of them (not even with Toolman) for an overnight trip until they were over two years old. Yes, I gave up a high-paying, high-profile career as soon as I was 3 months pregnant over ten years ago. This has all taken a toll. Especially painful is the knowledge that the person Toolman fell in love with was a pretty selfish, shallow person, too. Fortunately, I have grown, and see more in people than their exterior. Someday Toolman will be bald and impotent. My feelings for him would not have changed, because that was not what was important. Toolman will always see me as a drunk, lazy, crazy, fat slob, even if no one else does. That, I do not deserve, no matter how important marriage is to the children. I do not deserve an emotional death-sentence because I (temporarily?) ruined my body, career, and mental health by having two beautiful children.

Here is the link iamanotherone

I wanted to copy his response in case he ever decides to delete it.

Thanks, FF!! You are very wise.

It's funny, when I looked back at that thread, I didn't see much of a response when I categorically challenged his "bipolar" diagnosis. He must have read a paragraph in a self-help book that cemented his opinion of me, then it became, in his eyes, the truth.

I'm going to do some reading up on bipolar disorder, just to be safe, but, according to my counselor, I am NOT bipolar. Counselor specifically took me off ALL meds, and says my diagnosis is: You are married to a lout. No medicine will cure that or make it ok. This comes from the same guy who counsels WH's mom!!

Ok, I just took three different bi-polar screening tests, and was the most "agressive" I could be in my answers. One test says: "Your answers do not indicate bipolar disorder." Other one said, "You may be experiencing mild depression." Other one said, "Answers do not indicate bi-polar disorder, but please check with your physician if you are concerned."

Well, I've already checked. So my diagnosis: Toolman77 is full of chit.

God only knows what disorder this whole ordeal will give me, though.

regarding CPS ....

I've been reported twice !

#1 Our daughter told her 4th grade teacher that her brother held a knife to her throat. This, we were unaware of. We were aware our son was going to be placed into a structured group home, & we were waiting for the paperwork to be finished. Our DD's teacher called us & let us know that she was required to report. We thanked her. We knew this would help make the IEP go faster. The investigation took place, and just as we thought, things were written that make it easier for us to get our son the help he needed.

#2 (very VERY funny) This time, was several years later . Our son had returned & was living with us once again (after a year in residential treatment) ... and , he was pissed off he was not getting things his way. He was mad at us & wanted to "get even". Sooo... HE told his therapist he wanted to report US for child abuse for an incident 2 years prior when we had to physically restrain him, and we left marks on his body. (My H sat on him while we waited for the police to arrive) .... soooo

this time, the CPS social worker came in, we said, "our home is an open book" .... she interviewed each of our kids in private, and then she made her recomendation <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> which was...

a referal to a class where we can be taught how to physically restrain a combative, dangerous teenager in ways that don't leave marks !!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> ... our son was MAD as a hornet!

In a week, our son was sent to a different residential treatment school, out of state.

So, I've been there, done that. The social workers are VERY good at finding out if there is an actual threat or if things are simply crazy and mixed up...

don't despair

...... BTW ........ our (formally) dangerous son is now an adult EMT on his way to becoming a fireman paramedic .... don't be afraid of CPS .... be honest and forthcoming and they will see your side of things very, very easily !

Just don't lie. or appear to be hiding something ... that is the red flag they look for.

Pep

Yep, FF, that's it. That post really bothered me. And stonecold's follow up made me feel so sad. I remember reading their exchanges and thinking how horrible it was to watch them slicing each other up. TM can be verbally malicious. Smart men are the cruelest, IMO.

I really identified with them, though my H has never acted like TM. There's a whole lot in common. So, there was something that made me really hope that they would pull through.

SC, in our case, we went from best friends to completely withdrawn. Like you said, it becomes hard to even put your finger on what really started it or who started it, but once things start getting off balance, it spirals out of control and before you know it, you don't recognize your relationship and you wonder WTF happened. Somehow, we've been able to slowly piece it back together with plenty of relapses. It's so fragile after it's all gone wrong. I was hoping that you somehow rediscover your friendship and love for each other -- but there was just too much that went all wrong.

I'm sorry it's ended up at this point. TM has some serious issues.

Thanks for some very good advice from GrownUp and Pep. BTW, GrownUp, I remembered that you actually began posting because that earlier thread between me and toolman bothered you so much. I really appreciate that you took the time to jump in and ask some good questions and offer good advice.

Pep, when the social worker came, I was truly an open book. I gave her the business cards of any therapists I've ever visited (MC and IC) and signed a release so she can read my own records.

I know the records will show I am battling plenty of demons (who isn't?) but that my demons ar of the garden variety, and are not acutely harmful to my children. Of course, I worry about any long-term baggage I'll saddle my children with (who doesn't?) but I certainly don't think foster care has a better parenting model than I do.

What concerns me, Pep, is the fact that I've been considering moving into public school teaching, to get my hours more in line with the kids, and have good benefits. Now, with an open case, because florida keeps these cases open for 30 days, I cannot apply. A job for which I am very qualified is open right now, and I cannot apply because of this open investigation. All because Toolman either chose to be like your teenage son, or because he truly believes that I am mentally ill. Either way, the M is doomed, IMHO. Looking back, there it all was, in black and white. I just didn't want to read it.

Now we have come to this messy, painful, end. Ugh. Double Ugh.

So if u r ok, what is TM? Hm.... does he have disorders that need t/b checked out?

L.