OH GOOD!

Listen to Senor Dubya!

He is DEAD ON there!

Arrrggh..... tell Tool if he thinks he can diagnosis 'bi-polar' and you managed to still be the faithful one....what disgusting disease does he have? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

L.

Thank you, Mr. Wondering, for the assessment. I'm starting to understand this a little more.

I believe it is important for tool to see me in an inferior light, so that he can somehow justify his actions. I just don't see a lot of good-faith efforts on his part.

He's padding his nest and preparing for divorce, but at the same time asking me to trust him and work on the M. You can't really have it both ways.

I'll give him small credit for letting me visit his office, but I was still stunned to see what he had written about me to his family.

Well, my DS5 just threw up, so I've got to go for now. He starts kindergarten on monday, so I hope this isn't something serious. Probably will be. Monday is also my first official day at work, so I'm sure Tool will find a way to screw me on that one, too.

More to come about last night's latest Passive-Agressive move.

StoneCold - My best counsel will be to prepare for Monday as a single mom would - because that's essentially what you are - find a back up plan so that you get to work on time. Whatever it takes - do not count on tool to do anything but sabotage! So if you don't count on him/depend on him, he can do nothing but spin his nasty little wheels on his own grist!

Boundaries.

Can someone help me understand this concept a little better?


In preparing for this D, I am trying to stay "dark" as much as possible. I won't call it a plan B, since I'm really not trying to get back together, I'm just trying to transition into the D, and get the children used to seeing us separated so the news of the pending D won't be as shocking.

Anyway, WH keeps finding reasons to come over. He has spent the past two nights in my home, without asking my permission. He says it's his home, too. Basically, he's got the flu, and he's feeling very ill. So, he's been drugging up and crashing in the kiddie's room. He didn't ask--he just did it.

This morning, I finally went in there and told him after he did the sunday morning pancakes with the children, he needed to find somewhere else to recuperate. He called me heartless. I said, "no, I'm not being heartless. you are invading my personal space. you have asked me to delay the D, yet you are not repecting my boundaries. you don't get the 'in sickness and in health' part of the marriage vows, b/c you didn't respect the other part."

Now, he's being all pissy and disrespectful to me. He's also trying to garner pity. To be honest, I wouldn't even go to his FUNERAL right now, if it weren't for the kids. There is no way in he11 I'm gonna help nurse him back to health. He can go over to his mommy's house or something, since they all think I'm a bipolar nut.

Anyway, I feel it was completely within my rights to tell him to leave. I wanted to get your take on this.

BTW thanks KaylaAndy, for the advice...I'm going to start living my ENTIRE life as a single mom would, that way I don't need to expect any support from Toolman.

You are within your rights morally, but unless the divorce has been filed and the judge has set something up, you may not legally be able to keep him out.

If it were me, I would probably still change the locks, and not give him a copy unless he demanded it. Then take your time.

Or install a safety chain on the front door so even with a key, he cannot just let himself in.

But it will be hard until you have a ruling from a judge.

Thanks Neak. Yes, I am aware that I cannot LEGALLY ask Tool to leave the house. However, Tool remains insistent that we can salvage the M, and has gone to MC, and IC, and 2 sessions with S. Harley. One of the things S. Harley told him is that he needs to make me feel SAFE.

Now, I'm not asking him to make me feel safe. He doesn't have to do that--he's doing it b/c he thinks he can work on the M. If he doesn't want to work on the M, then DON'T. But know that I'm filing for the D as soon as I can to protect myself from the enemy. He can't stall me by saying he needs time to prove to me that the M can work, and then turn around and not respect my boundaries. At least, that's the way I see it. Am I kidding myself?

SC,

When I was preparing for my D (when I was ready NOT when the OW/WS demanded I do it), the WS came running back. NOT to stop the A but to STOP the D. WHAT??? Yep, there is a difference to the WS, even in the fog. Even the OW was supposedly trying to 'counsel the WS t/g back to his family'. What a nutcase!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Anyway....it took me a while to figure it out but I gave the responsbility for fixing our family over to the WS/Xws. Told him I was ready to detach since as a WS he made us learn how to live without him and we did it and survived! He was shocked and hurt. Still didn't end the A right away but plan B is what I used several times (false recovery stuff) and plan D was in the wings.....Paperwork was ordered by never used.

So my suggestion is you move forward with the D if you feel that is what you need t/d. Your anger phase is where you seem t/b now and he knows he is treading on thin ice. His anger outbreaks will set YOU back, let him know that. Then walk away and see how HE deals with it.

In other words....let him know what he is doing. I recommend you both agree to find a 'conversation opening line', one that each agrees to respectfully respond to. Ours went something like this:

Example 1:
BS: Can I ask you a question?

Xws: NO

BS: Ok....(BS walks away - no sarcastic comment....until u r far away or post it to your journal or post on MB). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />


Example 2:
BS: Can I ask you a question?

Xws: WHAT?

BS: (no response - BS does NOT respond to anger - BS leaves the room and posts on journal or MB)

Example 3:

BS: Can I ask you a question?

Xws: No, I'm busy. Ask me later....(WS responses nicely and gives time when he w/b available).

BS: Ok. (BS leaves the room.....if she is still upset, posts to journal or goes on MB as needed but it is important to give him his space at this time).

Example 4:
BS: Can I ask you a question?

Xws: Yes? (tone was nice)

BS: Ok....my question is......

NOTE: The question c/b about anything big or small, not always A or R related.

The asking the a question phrase went both ways.

L.

Thanks Orchid...good advice. See, lately I don't CARE about DJ and LB b/c I'm already gone, mentally. In a way, it's quite liberating, but on the other hand, I don't like to behave badly in front of the kids, and I don't want to get into the habit of behaving badly, period.

This was one of the reasons our M has failed: I have allowed WH to behave badly for an extended period of time, and eventually, he could not break the habit when I demanded the behavior stop. Kinda like letting someone work up to a pack a day smoking habit, then telling them they have to quit. Doesn't work. In my case, I'm going to try not to start smoking. In Tool's case, he'll never be able to quit.

Anyway, thanks for the conversational advice.

Stonecold: Please read the links in my sig line, especially the first one. I think they're talking to you.
Mulan

SC,

It's been a while....how r u doing? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

Bumping this, because I am wondering as well.

Thanks for asking how things are going, Orchid and Mojodiva. I don't really know how to answer that, but I'll try.

Well, I started a new job on Monday, as a reporter or a local newspaper. It's a full time job, and it took about 50 hours last week just to do my job. It was fun, though, and I didn't have a spare minute to sit and feel sorry for myself.

Toolman has had three sessions with Steve Harley, and we have a joint one tomorrow afternoon. I don't really know why we're still doing the counseling thing, but I'm going along with it because it's hard to muster energy to fight.

Tool has done two "exercises" given to him by S. Harley, including a letter of "sincere" apology about what he's done, and a long list of how to make sure there is NC forever and ever. ~~~Shrug~~~~

It's nice that he's done that, I guess, but it really doesn't make me feel any better. I'm just going along like this automaton, acting like everything is ok for the kiddies. Right now DD9 has asked me to help her make a chocolate chip cookie cake for Tool's b'day tommorrow. So, here I am, helping her decorate a g-dammed cookie, thinking all along, "He doesn't deserve this!"

But I do it anyway, because DD9 DESERVES to make a cake for her daddy. I don't know what to do with this whole thing. I feel really trapped. We don't have enough money to support two households, and if we sell this house, the tax ramifications will make it so that I'll be lucky if I can afford a two bedroom rental on the crummy side of town. The kids will have to leave their outstanding elementary school, the only school they've ever known and go to a crummy one across town. They'll lose all their friends...

...All because daddy couldn't keep it in his pants and mommy couldn't forgive him.

So that's my life.

Stop blaming yourself, or I refuse to be held responsible for the consequences! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Seriously, you gave him a chance at forgiveness, and he blew it off.

If your family breaks up, it is ALL HIS FAULT!!!!! (I wasn't quite shouting, or I would have used bold, too.)

The eternal optimist, I still see a lot of potential of hope for your marriage, but ONLY if he immediately does EVERYTHING he should have done all along, does it consistently, and does it for a very long time.

Considering what you have been through, I would be very surprised if you had any good feelings for him left. I think it is much more normal for you to be numbed and indifferent. Along with very angry and resentful. That does not make you bad, not even a little.

And congratulations on your new job.

If he is to have any chance of winning your love again, Tool is going to have to work harder than he ever had in his life. Your feelings for him can come back over time, if you see him behaving in trustworthy ways 100% of the time, and if he makes a conscious effort to meet your needs. Also without expecting anything from you, because you have nothing left to give. He squandered your loving feelings for him, and has to accept that you don't have any more right now, and maybe never.

Again, there is still hope, but it all depends on him. DO NOT blame yourself if it does not work.

{{{{Stonecold}}}}

Not much progress on the M to report, but today I just got my first few articles published in the paper. Front page, above the fold!

Other than that, no good news to report. I continue to slip into extreme sadness over the whole mess. I feel very betrayed, humiliated, and disgusted all at the same time. Good thing I'm too busy to obsess, though.

[color:"blue"] C [/color] [color:"green"] o [/color] [color:"red"] n[/color] [color:"purple"]g [/color] [color:"brown"] r [/color] [color:"pink"] a [/color] [color:"green"] t[/color] [color:"orange"] i [/color] [color:"red"] o [/color] [color:"blue"] n [/color] [color:"pink"] s [/color] [color:"purple"] !!! [/color]

CONGRATULATIONS

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

I never even noticed that.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

(Do you think anyone else saw?)

Wow....that's great. SUPER!! AWESOME!! YIPEE!!! Very proud of u SC. Front page. Wow. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Btw, I'm like Neak....ova' here we say 'congrats'! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

L.

What a relief! I'm not a bad speller - I'm a closet Hawaiian.

Neak <--------- not a haole

(Congrations to me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />)