I've just been reading up until this point but now I feel desparate to post. We're not married but we've together for almost 6 years and have a 2 yr old daughter and a deceased son together. I found out about his affair with a co-worker in early may. He moved out the day after I found out and we were in limbo for a while. It took a month and a trip to the STD clinic for him to finally admit it. I started to move on and he freaked out and came back like a knight and shining armor. At the time the OW was transferred to another location, or so I thought. After 1 amazing week of what I thought was reconciliation, I found out that the OW had been transferred back to his location. She is his direct subordinate and they work very closely together. A fight insued and he ended up with her that night.
We decided to try it again the next day and he went back to work the following week. I, of course, was not happy about that. The following 2 weeks he took vacation and agreed that he had to cut off all contact with OW. He said that he was going to quit his job and we were going to move out of state. He seemed very excited and so I was too.
We had another falling out because he feels trapped and ended up with her again shortly after the vacation started.
He has been pursuing jobs out of state and looking foward to moving. Suddenly, he keeps freaking out. He tried to quit his job and confessed everything and they wouldn't accept his resignation, which complicates things. He's drawn to her and drawn to me. I feel I have to have him on lock down to avoid contacting OW. He called her Sat. from his IC's office while in the waiting room. The other night he freaked out and said he had to leave again. I let him but he came back 5 mins later and said he couldn't. His therapist told him that the best thing to do would be for us to seperate and work on ourselves individually and then come together later. I cannot do this. I will know that he will be with OW so doing that means letting him go.

I know that ultimately the decision is his and I know that he needs his space. I just know that when I let him have that space he will contact her. I can't deal with that. I feel like I've been implementing Plan A all along. I can't go to Plan B. Plan B to me is letting him go and moving on with my life. Is this what I should do? He says that he knows intellectually he and the OW can't be together. But he has an incredible compulsion and addiction to her. I know that his freaking out is withdrawal. How can I deal with that when he wants to leave everyday? Someone please help! I am losing my mind. I don't know what to do.

What kind of work place do they work in?
Can you say "sexual harrassment"?

Depending on the employer, he's in BIG trouble.


NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

If this therapist really said this, he/she's an idiot. Don't discount that your H may be making this up.

Plan A, Plan A, Plan A.

Who have you exposed the affair to?

I've always wondered about this... how can a company not accept a resignation? What do they do... come drag you in to work at gunpoint?

Sounds like an excuse to me.

Listen to WAT... you need to get him away from both his work and that counselor.

try going with him to the councler so you can hear his reasoons for seperation

I would suggest making sure he actually told his employer everything when he "attempted to resign." First, I would bet he did not attempt to resign. Secondly, if he works for an employer with more than 15 employees, I would bet he did not confess all to them. The reason I say that is 15 employees is the magic number for Title VII (discrimination in employment provisions) of the Civil Rights Act to kick in to place. Under Title VII, it "could" be sexual discrimination if other employees under your BF's supervision are adversely affected by his relationship with the subordinate. Adversely affected can mean a number of things. Long story short, if he told his employer everything and the employer cared about not being sued, they would alter the reporting relationship post haste. I would suggest you contact the company yourself and tell them one of their supervisors is having an affair with a subordinate. Only recently, my company terminated to supervisors who had been with the company for many many years for having a relationship with a subordinate.

Regards,

BB

Thank you for your responses! I just wanted to post an update and possibly get more advice as things may have changed. I mentioned in the previous post that he had tried to resign. He said that he told his employer that "the relationship had become inappropriate". The company is currently undergoing alot of changes, i.e. closing 1 office and opening 2 more for a total of 3 (Telemarketing Co.) They wouldn't accept his resignation and told him to take the rest of the week to consider because his leaving the company would put them in a bit of a lurch at a crucial time. Both my BF and OW were at office that is closing. The plan aside from affair was that OW was to go to new office #1 and BF was to go to new office #2. Yesterday, his boss called him and said that they had been hearing alot of things and it would be in his best interest to come and talk to them (his boss and CEO). The place is a gossip ring anyway but OW found out that he confessed. I don't know if it was due to the affair or not but the company said that they didn't need her for new office #1 and was going to send her to the remaining office that has already been open for some time. She told them that they were just punishing her for her relationship with BF and demanded that they send her to new office #2, where BF was supposed to go, or she would sue. She then told them that he was getting a job in another state, information she got from BF's friend while he was telling her to leave him alone, and that he asked her to move there with him and she told him no and that is why he confessed. He is getting a job in another state and WE are moving to get away from her. I considered the possibility that he may have asked her but that wouldn't make much sense as he wouldn't go anywhere without his daughter especially with her since I would not be pleased with that at all. They offered him to come back to the company with a significant demotion and pay decrease. Of course, he is not interested. I don't know what part of "I quit!" they don't understand.
Anyway, everyone in the company that he considered "friends" had turned on him to protect themselves. He said that he called her and told her off and of course she tried to deny saying anything like that. He said he told her that he never wanted to talk to her again. I guess I win by default, but I am not certain that it is really over or if he will forgive her and continue affair again. He said he that he would write NC letter and marry tommorrow if I wanted. He apologized profusely for everything he has put me through. I'm sure if this is over he will still go through withdrawal and I'm not sure how to be in that process. How do I behave? Should I still be afraid to become more vunerable to him or should I open up to him? Should I just wait and see what happens? I guess this might be considered the affair "dying a natural death", right? Should I just guage how he is feeling and only get as close as he is comfortable with at the time? Any advice would be great! Sorry my postings are always so long.

bump <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Do you mind if I ask why the two of you never married after 2 children and 6 years together?

Are there other problems?

Financial difficulties. He needs to file bankruptcy, back taxes and has back child support. He didn't want to put his financial burdens on me. Also, I would've preferred an actual wedding ceremony (instead of JOP) which also costs money and to be honest, we are both financially irresponsible.

I would start working on that. Any kind of financial problems are bad for a relationship.

What happened to his other marriage?

So who did the company believe? Does he still have his position or is that in jeporady?

The OW sounds very unstable. Are the other employees dumb enough to believe an unstable OW?

L.

Don't recall saying he was ever married before but he had been twice and has 2 other children with another woman he also didn't marry. First marriage, they were best friends and very young, just didn't work out. Second marriage, woman wanted to be an escort and still is, also many years ago. Woman with other 2 kids, got pregnant almost immediately after relationship started and he wanted to do the right thing, second daughter was also accident in the "doing the right thing" process. Said he never wanted to marry her.

We both hope to start dealing with financial problems as soon as he can get a new job. As well as other problems in relationship that led to A in the first place. Just a lot of miscommunications, I think. He says now that he is very remorseful for everything and that he has no desire to contact OW ever again. He says sometimes he starts to think about it and quickly puts the thought out of his mind. He seems to think that he won't have much withdrawal or any at all due to the way things ended. I don't know if I should believe that or not. I feel maybe he is afraid to be brutally honest because my reactions in the past. He said before her betrayal that the only reason he felt more drawn to her was because she had never done anything to hurt him. Well, she has now. I don't know if I should stay alert or if I can let my guard down and be vunerable to rebuild us.

Seeing as we have been spending 24 hours a day together, pretty much for a few weeks now that sometimes he feels like he is suffocated a little. Before he had work to get away. He mentions it would be nice to go out without me, but he doesn't want me to be uncomfortable and he doesn't want to withdraw any more love units from me. I, however, don't want to withdraw any love units by making him feel smothered. Can I trust him to go out by himself? He offers for me to come if I want to, but I know that he would like to get away once and awhile. I don't know if I should give him that sometimes or if I should stay with him constantly to ensure he doesn't contact OW.

Also, he doesn't want to NC letter because he sayas he is afraid to put A in writing. He is afraid that it could be used against him in getting another job or that OW could use it to blackmail the company some more. Should I push this issue? I can see his point, but I wasn't there when he supposedly told her off.

Orchid,

The OW is very unstable and BF knew that. That is why he knew he would never "BE" with her. He says is wasn't her, it was the way she made him feel. He knows she is not right upstairs and has never denied that. He also knows she is a pathological liar and has the whole time.

As far as who the company believed, that really wasn't an issue since he had pretty much confessed the A without detail when he tried to quit and the taking 2 weeks vacation pretty much confirmed he was seeking employment elsewhere. The problem became that OW was blackmailing the company to get ahead in her career and since they will avoid a lawsuit at all costs (a well known fact to everyone in the company), she used it to her advantage. She demanded his job basically and they guaranteed it to her. They also refuse to fire anyone (so they can't collect unemployement) they just offer them a demotion that no one in their right mind would accept, which is what they did to him. That doesn't really make sense since he was trying to quit and they wouldn't let him.

See, it seems that this was OW's plan all along. She had called me a month before the A actually started and told me that she was sleeping with my "husband" (which gave her away since she was the only person to refer to us as husband and wife). She denied it to both of us and a month later, low and behold, the A was underway. Seems like an elaborate scheme. Apparently, OW is very smart and very manipulative as well as very unstable.

hang,

Regarding your BF not being allowed to quit, quite plainly I never have heard of any job(e.g. Richard Nixon) that you couldn't quit IF YOU REALLY WANTED TO.

Your BF seems to have buffaloed a number of women into relationships and into making babies. I think you need to sit back and take an extremely close look at why you are in such an R with a demonstrable unstable man.

You owe it to your daughter to give her a safe and loving home first. Frankly your needs come in a distant second when compared to her life.

Next, forget the OW and her supposed or real instablity. His choice in a sex partner is much more judgemental of his emotional maturity and not hers. And yes, he does have some very serious financial obligations to ALL of his children and quite possibly to his ex-partners.These obligations will last a very long time

Hopefully you see that this is much more about you making mature decisions than it is about him.

Best of luck.

PS Beside creating a sig line, the acknowledgement of each individual posting to you will definitely get more responses from this forum