My H has been deliberating for about 2-3 weeks now and I don't think I can take being in limbo anymore. I have 3 children and I'm scheduled for a c-section on Monday for our 4th. I can't just sit here and wait for him to drop the ax. I want our marriage to work but I am drowning in his inability to commit one way or another. I have no idea where to go from here-I'm a stay at home mom and this is going to cost my children their extracurricular activities among other things. We will be living penny to penny. Do I contact a lawyer now or just keep waiting? Is it easier just to do it than to sit in suspence. If he was willing to work on our marriage atleast then I'd have something but he isn't. So what now?


Mellysue

I understand this feeling...it's not unlike what someone who is considering suicide tells themselves. The pain is so bad they just want it to stop.

You need to find patience...this will take time to fix.

Where is your immediate support group? What is he doing to make you think he is NOT making a decision?

You have a lot on your plate right now. Ask him to tell you what he will do so you can have the baby in peace.

L.

mellysue,

Hi. I am in the same situation. My sue date is in September. My WH is now living with OW and told me shortly after DDay that he did not know what he wanted and that he just wasn't HAPPY. His A has been going on for a little over 2 years. Well, I am in the same boat. How long do you wait? They say the average affair lasts 6 months after exposure. Is your WH living with OW?

I just started couseling with Steve Harley and he suggested that I start "Chipping away at my position of wanting to save the marriage." Letting him know that I had been researching and found something that might help make our marriage even better than before. Have you been seeing s MC?

I know it's extremely hard to say strong and be patient, especailly when you have to be there to take care of your children. It's an emotional roller coaster ride hour by hour. If you really want your marriage to work and be better than before, then you are going to have to be STRONG and know that this process is LONG, PAINFUL & DIFFICULT. I struggle with that thought everyday. "Should I wait or just let go."

Try to find a good support group.

How are your children handling this?

Take care.

mom24

My friends and therapist have been wonderful. My H has told me straight out that he feels he will be better off if he leaves. That he made a mistake never living on his own and that the majority of mistakes have been mine. I have told him I love him and want him to stay. But he says right now he's staying because he's afraid of being alone and everytime he gets the chance he is poking at me. He knows how much this is hurting me but he keeps joking about it and minimizing the situation. For example my grandmother passed away last night and his comment was-"well now I can't leave you". It's always snide comments and hurtful jabs. He went to one therapy session and is currently refusing to go to another because we are "unfixable". I have been going around in circles trying to make our marriage work for a year now-Is it ever going to sink in?


Mellysue

Melly,

Just to let you know that a WS can't help but poke fun and berate the family because it is NOT his family. The WS will also not want to take any responsiblity for his share of the M's demise. He will blame you for all of it.....IF you let him.

This means he is babbling and saying the same crap other WS's have done to their family. Your case is not the 1st one where a WS has left his pregnant wife. I recall several years ago a WS left his W shortly after their 2nd son died and she was about 7 months pregnant with twins. In fact when she delivered I believe he was either trying to reach the OW or with the OW. Imagine that.....let him know his antics are not unique. Often a WS can see how bad it is for other WS' to hurt their families but not for them. Let him know he ain't no different than those other low lifes.

L.

Do you want to learn how to give him back his guilt and keep you from hurting less?

L.

I wish things were going to be simple but I know that they won't. I just can't imagine having to tell my children that their daddy is leaving and not only that but that they in turn will have to give up the things that they love. My H EA lasted 10 months but he excuses what he did every chance he gets. And now he holds it over my head to hurt me. Along with the hurtful comments and jabs about moving out he also throws in jabs about the OW. Things about how when he gets an apartment and she moves in things will be okay. I tried to get him to do MC with me but he doesn't want to. My H is very me me me and never sees us. He views himself as a seperate entity. Theres him on one side and the kids and me on the other. My therapist and I have come up with a whole laundry list of things to try but none have worked yet. For my kids sake I keep trying but I don't know how many more low blows about him moving out I can take. At this point I wish he would just do it if that's what he wants to do. I can't take anymore affectionate moments followed by harsh blows about how we aren't meant to be or how he's better off without us. The kids have so much they will have to contend with with the new baby, a new school year, and a runaway daddy.

Mellysue

I would love nothing more than to know how to dish it back out so to speak. I think my H could use that.
Thanks so much

Mellysue

Melly,

Work on what is within your control. Be honest with your children and reassure them of your love. That is all you can do.

When mine was 6, his dad moved out for 4 months. I told him that was not right for a dad to leave his family. I let our son know that right now daddy is choosing bad friends over his family and God. I also let him know that my son had the choice to speak his mind to either of us or mature adults and to pray to God and let him know what is bothering him. Also we had regular discussions. This was at 6 years old. Well within about 2 1/2 months of the Ws moving out, my son asked if he could write a letter to his dad. I asked if he needed help, he said no. I asked if he wanted to talk to his dad, son replied he was too embarressed to talk to his dad (more like angry at him but that was his choice of words). So my son wrote a 4 sentence letter. 2 statements and 2 questions. Very short but very direct. It went something like this;

Dad,
Why did you leave us? Are you going to divorce mom? We love you. I miss you.

Love,
Son

This letter did reach through the fog and tear at what was left of my H's heart. Still it was not enough to end the A but it was a sore spot because the OW was trying to get the WS to believe that his abandonment of his son was a 'good thing'. See how crazy one gets in the fog?

That was the one thing not even the WS would believe. So it ate at his soul. His real soul. The WS was not human. He was an alien being who was at war with his own soul.

Realize this when you deal with him. The art of giving him back his guilt comes in several forms. I like to use the one I call 'reverse babble'. This is using his own words against him, giving simple responses but NOT explaining or defending yourself to him. Remember, his babble is designed to get your to give him a reason to continue his anger towards you and that fuels the A.

For example, I will use his babble and give you my responses.

Ws: when I get an apartment and she moves in things will be okay.

BS: Really?!?!? (raised eyebrows). now if you need to say more: You mean u r dumb enough to believe that line? )

****************************

Ws: I only want what's best for me. I need t/b myself. I need to go find myself.

BS: Oh.... r u on drugs again? Do you have split personality symdrome? Do I have to call the shrink or the police?

******************************

WS: U tell the children I have to move out

Bs: Uh....no WS, you tell them. This is all your doing.

*****************************

Ws: It's your fault I am having the A.

BS: No, it's my fault I let you get me pregnant. The A is all your fault. But it is our responsibility to care for our children. So hand over more $$$.

*****************************

Now if he babbles over something sooo stupid you can't think of a quick comeback line...try this:

WS: babble babble babble

BS: Do you really believe what you just babbled?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> This will take practice. Try practicing in the bathroom mirror.

take care,
L.

This is great advice. Thank you!! I'm usually good at comebacks I just wasn't sure it would work or make things worse. I've lost my patience and this is a perfect way to relieve some of the anger and maybe help him to see the absurdity in the situation. The OW isn't in the picture anymore ( supposedly) but I think he is still relying very much on the things that she said to him. When OW contacting me the things she said were verbatim of what my H said. Although he says that he never said those things to her. And that she never said them to her but I find it awfully curious. My H is extremely disconnected from our kids. While the A was still going on my 4 year old cried hysterically to him about how much he liked "work" but not us. And my 9 yr old cried to him for an hour about spending time with her. My 2 yr old wouldn't even ackowledge him as daddy until recently. Before that he believed our neighbor was daddy and still to this day my son will play with my neighbor first. I know in the end all I can do is stand by my feelings and my children and in doing that things will be okay. Its funny to see my 4 yr old respnd to situations the same way my husband does not by example but because its typical 4 yr old responses. Makes me wonder about my husbands maturity. He believes that I should let him do whatever he wants because thats what a supportive wife would do. My 4 yr old thinks that if you tell her no you don't love her. Such a childs line of thought. my 9 yr old went through the same phase. But I guess when the kids tell him how important it is for them to try drugs he'll just stand by and support them. What an absurd line of thinking.

Mellysue

The A takes an adult and does more than take them to their childhood. It removes their brain and replaces it with a lump of coal. Nope, coal at least has a some use (gives heat or is an aid in cooking). A WS' mind does nothing good for mankind.

L.

Seeking legal counsel at this point would be a wise move. You could simply do so now- not to take any actionto end your marriage-but to simply find out what your options are.

You will make better decisions for you and your children when you know what you are working with.

Resist the urge to keep this man because of the fear / stigma of single motherhood and financial issues.

Ask yourself this: Would I even consider waiting for him to decide if he wants to be with me if I was financially independent or would I have a "screw you pal, I can do better" attitude?

Sorry, but this does not sound good.

I'm with you. i think my H has finally found that one thing that he knows will hurt me and is using it. He knows I would sooner die than let my kids down-I come from a very dysfunctional family hense putting up with this for a year. He knows that I love him and wnat to remain a family and at this point I kind of feel like he's getting off on hurting me or at the very least knowing that he can. He does the most poking when I seem happy. At this point with him where he is I fear that the water that is already under the bridge is only increasing and getting murkier. He was awful during my other pregnancies and has been worse with this one. Now my grandmother has passed away and he is supportive by saying now I can't leave you. Great he might be slightly human. Not to mention the overall timing. I'm not the first to experience this and certainly will not be the last but I don't want my daughters or my sons to ever view his treatment of me and our marriage as appropriate. I know he's in a dense fog right now but will we be able to recover ffrom the resentment thats bound to result from him choosing now to leave when the kids and I need him the most?

I have to also take this oppurtunity to tell you guys how helpful and comforting you've been.

Melly

You are absolutely right! His brain seems to be functioning way below that of a child. He is helping no one including himself. A friend of mine thinks maybe him leaving would give him the oppurtunity to understand what he is losing-as the kids and I will be losing far less than he is at this point. Atleast emotionally. Right now he's not there for us and I think the kids deserve much better than broken promises and committments that are never kept. Especially if he refuses to fix the issues he has causing him to keep dropping the ball. My oldest already feels the only way to get his attention is to like what he likes-like she has to earn his love. And that above all is unacceptable. I want our marriage to work but if he's unwilling to try should I just throw in the towel?

Melly

Finish your plan A and if he is still a WS, go to plan B. This will give you the strength to move forward with or without him and give him the time to kick the WS out of his life.

You do need a plan. Do you have a good MC yet?

L.

We have a MC but my husband kept blowing it off now he adamantly refuses to go. I have trying plan A for 10 mos. now. How long do I keep trying this. Last night he said that he will not do counseling with or without me and that not only is he unsure of what he'd like to do about us he refuses to try. The OW is out of the picture. They stopped talking this past May and she transferred about two weeks ago. To the best of my knowledge they are not talking atleast via his cell phone which was their choice of communication before. I know he is supposed to go through a period of withdrawl but don't the kids and I deserve someone willing to work on making us work. Someone willing to do whatever it takes. He says that he understands that I'm trying to hang on but that he WILL NOT do the same. I see an IC and I will continue to do that. I started my IC a little over a year ago which I kind of wonder whether or not that has anything to do with all of this. All of my H antics started around the same time. But I need to get better even if we don't work. I have a call in to a lawyer but I have to wait until I hear back. I won't take the kids to an appt for that and my H doesn't watch the kids plus being as pregnant as I am I have a better shot at doing the consultation over the phone. My H has painted me into a corner and I am still so confused.


Thanks
Melly

melly, i know how you feel....going through a rough time myself...hang in there and work on you....that is where you will ultimately find peace...it has helped me tremendously to be able to post how i feel and what is going on in my life day to day even if only to validate myself:)...i can tell you really love your ws and it hurts so much not to be getting that in return....j

o my new baby is here! My H decided not to go more like chickened out but still here. However OW bday was on the 15th and while I stayed home with our new baby and 3 other children he took her to lunch. Mind you she works an hour from our home and he went to her. Now he is claiming undying love for mr but admits finally that he is emotionally connected to the OW. How can I now move past all of this. His betrayal overshadows everything from this last year including the joy I should have had surrounding my new son. And then to see how hard it was to pull him away from her in the first place and how easy it is for him to go back. He says its because the pain and heartbreak I experienced isn't the first thing he thinks of. He says they got along so well and they didn't have any bad times. If this is what he sees isn't he saying that losing me doesn't outweigh what he had with her and if so what do I do with that. I'm not sure I can forgive him for that in particular. What should I do? Does anyone have any ideas as to how to catch my H up in his new and repeated promise to stay away from the woman he says he'd ask out if not for me?
On a side note-OW's boyfriend cheated on her and then left her for new woman that he actively pursued online:)

melly