I got another message from my WxH, and what he said pushed me into huge,huge feelings of guilt and shame. Perhaps I'm overreacting.

Here's the background... while we were dating, we went through a period where my WexH (then boyfriend) was mean to me. I actually thought he was cheating on me, but then I would think "no way." I ended up confiding in a long-time guy friend about all this and my job. When I started to develop some feelings (I was not "in love" by any means, just noticed things were starting to feel different) for this guy friend, I was surprised and realized it came from something I was missing not from any true feelings, so I actually ended contact with my friend and we haven't spoken much since. This was all before I ever heard of MB & before our marriage.

Because of my brief reliance on my guy friend and distancing myself, and/or because my WexH (boyfriend at time) had been cheating himself, my boyfriend accused me of cheating and we broke up. He said that he was mean to me because he thought I was cheating and he was hurt. While we were broken up, I kissed another guy and briefly dating another one. It never felt right and I have apologized 1,000 times for it. I regret it so much, that I don't think I could survive the feelings of being a true WS.

We later reconciled, had a wonderful dating relationship for years, got married, and then he had an A. (Before you jump all over me about marrying him in the first place, we did pre-marital conseling, etc, and I really thought I was making a wise choice. Also, there is actually a very high percentage of long-term married couples who broke up at one point while dating and decided they couldn't live without each other.)

Anywhoo, my WexH now says that it was my relationship with my guy friend and the later dating while we were broken up that led to his A with the OW and ruined our whole M. One the one hand, I see this for blame-shifting junk that it is, but on the other hand I feel like I did strike the first blow to our trust and it makes me feel so, very, incredibly horrible. By the way, I was a good & faithful wife and tried hard to save my M.

thoughts? please be easy, I'm so down today

Hi Nev,

Incredibly horrible? Are you serious? That an exH is blathering on about ancient history? Why are you even listening to such nonsense?

Could ANYTHING 'make' you cheat on your H? While you were married? Any H, current or ex? That your actions while NOT DATING HIM 'MADE' him cheat on you is absurd. One WS here said he cheated because the W bought coke instead of pepsi. Do you buy that? Nothing could 'make' me cheat IF I DIDNT WANT TO. He did what he wanted to do. If you had that power, wouldnt you have MADE him faithful?

Justifications. Non-sense. Hogwash. Unreal! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Please, please dont waste your brain-time on this subject for another second.

It bothers me so much more that you feel 'incredibly horrible'. Why? Why are you so wrapped up in this now? OMG.. please do something nice for yourself - lunch and a movie with a girlfriend? Pedicure? Read a book in a park?

I am very sorry this is bothering you. Please do not continue to give him this much power, OK? Please take care - Dru

I swear, I'd have hung up after 5 seconds of such trash-talk. He's deliberately yanking your chain. Do you know why? Does it look like you might be enjoying your life? Is he especially miserable, right now? (Dru is hoping so <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />).

And didnt he 'strike the first blow' by being mean to you? Isnt that why you broke up with him in the first place? Like if he could have been a decent guy NONE of this would have ever happened in the first place?!? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Gee, girl, you got me fuming, now. What a bum of an exH you have there. He's still striking 'from beyond the marriage' (like from beyond the grave). Once the marriage is dead and buried, they shouldnt be able to haunt you like that.

Might look into finding an exorcist <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. Best of luck to you and have a nice evening! - Dru

Dru,

I understand that I should not take it to heart and that he is being nutty again. (Yes, he is miserable, but I'm sure that will be cured soon with alcohol & loose women or the latest golddigger.)

It's sorta like stubbing my toe - I know it's not really injured, but the pain is intense.

This was just a message, but I did listen to it. I guess it hit a nerve because I've always felt bad about what happened in the past although one could argue that I did not do anything "wrong."

It also hit a nerve because instead of getting an apology for all he's done to me, I get the blame.

Anyway, I knew I was overrecting (stubbed toe thoery), but wow it hurt, and I couldn't shake it. Guess I'm just a little down tonight.

thanks

What a piece of work your ex is.......

Do yourself a favor and have NO MORE contact w/ him. Change your number if you have to. Seriously.

Such drivel.

Make him sell crazy someplace else, ok?

HUGS!

Maybe he was under he effect of the alcohol when he said that. Talk about blame shifting and failing to own up to his own responsibilities! Don't feel guilty about this. He's just trying to guilt you. You are not responsible for his choices. Especially after so many years.

As usual, take the high road. As you said before, you apologized 1,000 times. That should be enough.

Let him roll around in his dirty justifications and revised history ALONE.

Its over and done with.

Auto here.

He knows how to push your buttons, doesn't he?

His reasoning is garbage, pure garbage. He may believe it himself, because adulturous cheaters convince themsevles of many things that aren't true. They bend reality to justify the affair. I think Harley mentions this in one of his books.

As a result, since they actually believe this nonsense they can be very convincing since they sound so sincere and rightous. But, trash is still trash.

He knows how to manipulate you and is doing it very well.

Stay away from this viper. He is poison. Listening to him makes as much sense as an alchoholic wandering into a bar and watching others drink.

Surely, you can find better men to have in your life than this loser.