I have this posted on resolving conflict but a member recommended that I post it here as there is more chance of responce on the subject. I need help from someone by knowing if anyone else has gone through this with a spouse and a sibling. This happened last summer right around this time so I am dealing with a first anniversary date of the terrible hurt. My husband and I are working hard at recovery with extensive counseling, reading several books including some of Dr. Harley's and trying to understand many of the problems my husband had with past baggage and not communicating with me. Instead he buried & let his feelings fester. My other deep hurt is with my SISTER who did nothing as a SISTER, WOMAN, FRIEND to converse with me on things that were not normal for him to say to her. She said she knew nothing about his feelings (she was widowed that year in Feb) and yet he never called her , sent her cards and all the other things when her husband was alive. But she says "well, you don't tell eveything"-meaning a person in general. Well, I beg to differ when it involves your sisters husband. Myself and my 2 other sisters would have said these things to her if the shoe was on the other foot-not suspicion but just to let the sister know that something was not quite normal for him to be acting or talkng about. I would like to go on & on but rally hope to correspond with someone who has experienced the same pain. Help please.

I am so sorry for you and in total shock. Sorry you had to find your way here, but good to hear you are in recovery. Keep your head up.

I don't see this as workable.

How can the NC concept be followed without cutting your own sister out of your life?

Personal healing after an A and sibling issues takes time. There seems to be a lot to this story that has been left out. Maybe in time you can share enough with us to help us understand. Like, what this pursuit planned or just happened? Who persued who?

Either way u r the victim. Healing starts from within but each of the perpertrators have to ask for your forgiveness.

So what is your sister's attitude now? What is your H's attitude on what happened and how is he helping you to heal?

Your sister's loss of her H is devastating but to take support and turn it into an A is not normal. Something else seems to be brewing that could still be burning underneath.

Have you found a good IC/MC who can help you deal with both? If not, please give Steve H a call and see if he can make any recommendations.

I sense your sisters issues have to be dealt with separately. I am not a professional so please understand this is JMHO.

How are your other siblings doing? Are they supporting you?

Hugz,
L.

Correct CS. It isn't workable. Sister must be cut out.

Could you do it? (Cut out a family member for this reason.)

I mean family will always be family and in avoiding the sister she could possibly be forced to avoid other family members and cause family in-fighting etc. She never has to see ole boy again if she doesn't want to: He is just a man who could not keep his hands off her sister, but her sister will always be her sister ...

True. I could and would do it.... if my marriage was most important to me. In a heartbeat.

What about the inevitable rift that would ensue because of this?


Here's my point: When people say "my marriage is importnat to me" it bothers me because it seems like they are making "the marriage" a separate living entity. It's as if their focus is "the marriage" rather than the person to whom they are married. Further, they seem afraid to be out of "the marriage."

To me, this explains why after betrayal upon betrayal, & even the other spouse screaming at the top of their lungs, "I don't want your azz no more!!!" certain people will do just about anything to keep "the marriage."

With regard to this particular situation

1) You can always get another "my marriage" but you cannot get another family.

2) You could be taking a risk-alienating your family for someone with whom a marital relationship is not possible...

Just something ot think about...

I believe the family is already well and truely broken by the affair for a start and that separation from the sister would take place in any case.

Serial cheaters - you may well be right about that but this is not such a case.

To some people their marriage is held in such high regard that they will recover their marriage at the expense of their biological family. My wife's parents and sister never liked me. She chose me once over them, why not again?

Blood is thicker than water - so is soup. If the marriage disintegrated even, I doubt a relationship would ever be possible with the sister because of the adultery.

Your marriage partner, life partner, should be your most important relationship after God. Children then run third.

Jackson1,

I posted to you over in the recovery board.

My sig line pretty much tells my story. WW had a long term PA with my sister’s H.
I have been doubly betrayed and cannot deal with the emotions that I am going through.
My WW and I had a very close relationship with my sister and her H. We spent a lot of time together and through all of this he was a very good friend to me. Hence the double betrayal. I am devastated by all of this right now.

It has only been 10 months since D-Day and I know I have a long road ahead.

In reference to CS's comment,
Even though my sister is a BS also I feel that we have in many ways cut ties because of this. We have not spoken since sometime around Easter. This family is at this time damaged to a great degree.

bigkahuna,

"I believe the family is already well and truely broken by the affair for a start and that separation from the sister would take place in any case."

You are correct with this statement, when a family memeber is involved it affects sooooooo many more people. It tears a family apart, there is NO other way to say it!!

I don't mean to thread jack, I just want jackson1 to see that she is not alone in this and she will receive good advice to help her progress through this.

Thanks to all that give advice.

K

Jackson1,

Do you want to continue having a relationship with your sister?

KM

Thanks for the support. Notice my correction-it was an emotional affair which allows me to have hope-a physical affair would have been the end of the marriage for me. See my new post.

I posted a correction-it was an emotional affair which makes me have hope-a physical one would have ended the marriage for me. He was the first to call & go to the first couseling with me going the next day with him. He has found out so much I think about himself and his having to learn of what is and isn't appropriate in life to do and to take responsibility for his actions. I think a lot had to do with his own mortality (after my b in law died, his job dissatisfaction, depression, sleep deprived -job related and I work days and he works 2nd shift. He is not a person who has male friends or at least not at that time. He also has no close relationship with his parent, brothers or his own son(previous marriage)so all day he sat with too much time on his hands even tho he is hard working and when the chance came to help my sister-well she of course made him feel so appreciated and he got messed up in his head. But she also did things like give him a hug and say luv you when I was not there and let him talk to her about his prostate (he had an apptmt coming up with dr) and I don't feel unless she was a nurse and my sister that that is acceptable without mentioning it to me-like saying he must be really worried or something about it and telling me as a SISTER WOMAN & FRIEND> Yes it has taken its toll on the extended family. My one sister is great and knows each sister hurt now but totally knows how this particular sister always sticks up for men, even if she doesn't know 2 sides of the story-even if it is with her own sisters. I was there for her when her h died believe me and when we attended a retirment party for a relative and she got bombed we had to leave and take her to my mothers. It was my mom, my husband me and 2 sisters. She had a horrible crying jag and when we tried to tell her that she needed support of friends-widows who have gone thru the same thing & feelings as her she just remembers we were not understanding and hollering at her. She talked to my husband at that party as we had picked her up and taken her along and who knows what she said to him. That she admits that she doesn't know what she said. But anything else she says she knew nothing about his feelings yet hardly any one can be that naive. This gives you a better idea that the secrecy of her is what I find so WRONG and I even have talked to Dr Harly and he has said no contact. Yet my mom and 1 sister act like I should go on and join them anytime in close proximity with my husband. No thanks, it is so painful I can't stand to be in the same room. My friends and my kids have been more supportive that my extended family. My mother who is 87 makes me out to be the bad guy instead of understanding that we both have valid points but because my sister is widowed and so is my mom she can see no one else's pain even enabling my sister to have done the drinking. I don't know if she still does in her home but she does not have close friendships and is never one to talk like I said but keep the secrets.Talked your ear off-sorry.

Thanks again for the tip to post on the other forum. I can understand how it has strained your relationship with your sister when neither one of you should have to lose that in your case as you both were innocent bystanders I would guess. I can only imagine it just brings up more of the pain when & if you would talk & see each other. I really give you credit for working on this in your marriage. I know the damage it does on the extended family. Hang in there.

jackson,

I"m seeing something in your posts that I wonder if others are seeing too. When you talk about your husband and how he became emotionally involved with your sister....you make alot of excuses for him:


But when you talk about your sister....she is a total villain:


I hug my brother in law and tell him I love him....that doesn't mean I'm leading him on. When someone helps me, I'm appreciative.

It sounds to me like your husband was the aggressor....and your sister may or may not have known how he felt about her (you believe she did though). Did she return those feelings? Was she emotionally attached to him too? Express those feelings? Did she feel weird about the way he was acting and not say anything until after? How did she encourage him?