H is living w/OW and OC. OW wears an engagement ring but no marriage yet. Ex and I have 2 children under 10. Oldest has recently started asking why the D. The children don't need to know the whole truth, nor would they understand it. They like OW and OC and worship their father. It's tough to keep my mouth shut but I have to let the children figure some things out for themselves when they are older.

So, does anyone have a good answer to this whopper question? I have several but they must not be good enough because the question is still being asked.

I learned MY answer to this from my aunt who divorced a WH when her kids were pre-teens. She said not to say anything specific about the divorce or what went wrong unless the kids asked. The kids figured things out for themselves then just asked for confirmation.

Mine are 12 and 10. My 12-year-old S is starting to ask questions about why Dad has so many girlfriends, but none of his other (step)parents have opposite-sex friends they do things alone with. On his own, he's realizing that Dad's behaviour is wrong for a married person. (We've both re-married.) If I step in to define Dad's behaviour and blame him on our divorce, S may feel the need to defend him. Yes, it is very hard not to point fingers, but if you teach your children about what a good marriage is, they'll soon figure out the problems that ended yours.

I made this simple web site to explain my beliefs on marriage and divorce to my kids:
http://www.geocities.com/w8ing4signs/marriage.html


Mrs. W8ing

Part of the problem with there not seeming to be a good enough answer has to do with their age and maturity level. An issue as intense as parents divorcing is difficult to understand even when one is an adult and has learned more about romantic relationship dynamics. Trying to help kids understand it is all the more difficult. They're going to wonder why for the rest of their lives, even when they do learn to understand it as they get older.

In reality, there really is no response you can offer that won't be perceived by all concerned parties as a slight or unfair judgement against their father. The truth is probably not something your kids are capable of dealing with right now, mentally or emotionally. To a kid's logic, it's just a matter of Daddy saying he's sorry and you saying it's OK and the world goes back to the way they once knew it to be.

I know it must royally suck to be the custodial parent in your situation, but what you're doing now is the right approach. Let them figure it out on their own as they get older and be willing to have honest and earnest discussions about your marriage when they're ready to do so...

I can only tell you from my experience as a child whose parents divorced twice that I didn't really get it until I was out of high school. The first divorce, I still don't know the exact reasons but I've never asked. I do know that the second divorce was due to my dad's infidelity, though noone was willing to talk about the elephant in the room (my mom especially). My dad actually was the one to tell me he'd been cheating, though he still has no idea he did so (slipped up on naming how long he'd been seeing the new fiancee introduced to me two months after he'd left). My mom clammed up and wouldn't talk about anything concerning the divorce, so I was left alone with this knowledge for *years* until my grandmother confirmed it when I was speaking with her...

That you're having discussions with your kids is wonderful! I reallize you must feel rather impotent in not being able to fully assuage their questions, but you truly are serving them as best you can by letting time and hindsight tell them the truth. I wish there was a better answer to offer you, but you're doing everything as you should.

Hope this helps, even if only a little... Best of luck.

I think you have the right idea. For children that young, I think that you should just tell them that there were problems between you and x that could not be resolved and assure the children that it had nothing to do with them. If they figure it out and ask a direct question, try to be honest without pointing too many fingers.

I think hiding the truth from them is wrong; when they figure it out, they will feel doubly betrayed. Kids of almost any age beyond toddler are old enough to understand that it is wrong to "date" someone else when you are married.

In retrospect, I wish I had be more forthcoming with my younger kids. If I had it to do over, I should have told them that I suspected an OW before my H confirmed it by taking the four youngest with him and "a friend" on an outing. My kids had no idea that the relationship was anything other than platonic - until one of my older kids informed them. All this transpired before I was even aware that the outing had happened. The result was that the two middle kids, and possibly even the six year old, seemed to feel foolish for not realizing what was going on, as well as betrayed by their father. (Our youngest wasn't speaking in complete sentences yet). My older (adult and almost adult) kids were upset that I hadn't told them I suspected an affair as soon as I did, months before their father left, instead of being in the position of having one of them inform me that there was an OW. At the time it didn't occur to me to share my suspicions with them.

From a societal perspective, as they approach adolescence, children need to be prepared to spot the signs of infidelity, so they can escape from relationships in which their boyfriend/girlfriend are cheating before they get to the point of marrying a cheater. Also from a societal perspective, children and adolescents need to learn that divorce does not only occur after months or years of fighting, but often out of the blue. It is not that you want to make them paranoid, but they should be aware of suspicious behavior on the part of their mate.

From a societal perspective, it would be far better if all those in adulterous relationships (whether legally married or not) where shunned by all their friends and relatives. Non-judgementalism is the root of a great deal of destruction of lives.

I told my girls (who were 11 and 10 at the time) that their mother was dating someone else while we were still married. I said you know that behaviour doesn't belong in marriage (and they nodded their heads). Then I told them that was the main reason why I wanted to divorce their mother.

They seemed a bit hurt when I told them this but the next day and every day after it seemed like a big burden had been lifted from all of us. I hated not telling them, and I think they wanted to know. They were smart enough to figure out there was more than just "marriage problems".

They haven't asked about the "divorce" since although I'm sure they'll want more details at some point in their life and at that point I will be totally honest with them again.

I didn't talk about that stuff with my 4 year old although if he asked me now (he's 6 now) I'd probably tell him the same thing I told my girls. I think he could understand that, and handle it now. As a four year old though, all he could think about at the time was how much he missed his Mom. He didn't really care why we split, he just didn't like it.

In my opinion if you expect honesty from your kids then be honest with them.

Take Care,

Miker

Thanks for the interesting perspectives. My oldest recently said "Mommy you have 2 kids and Daddy has 3 kids. That doesn't make any sense." I made a point to smile and said that it didn't make any sense to me either. Oldest then laughed and my youngest started laughing too.

N2: That was unfair of your ex to throw that on the children and they realized it. As for my ex, he told them they had a sibling and everything was going to be great. They would meet their sibling next week. So, at Thanksgiving he introduced my children to OW and OC. The children know ex and OW are getting married and refer to OW as their stepmother. I do correct them on that one.

Miker: I have also told the oldest that daddy is a grown-up and is allowed to make his own decisions but that you should marry a woman before you start living together and having children.

I need to think about the rest of your thoughtful answers. You make good arguments either way. It seems the oldest realizes something is not right but can't figure out exactly what, hence the questions.

Thanks for the help.

FWIW, I think it really depends. If you can tell your children about OW and OC without accusing your ex, I would do it. Kids feel conflicted loyalties when one parent says negative things about the other parent. Whether we want to believe it or not, they do. Sometimes, even showing displeasure is enough to make kids uncomfortable. I know my own don’t tell their dad some stuff if they think it will make him be unhappy.

So, if you can carefully explain without making judgment statements, I think you should. I wouldn’t even say that Daddy’s an adult and can make his own decisions, but you believe the two should be married first. Lead by example, and when necessary talk about your beliefs in a non-personal way. In other words, not in context of Daddy’s behavior.

I know the OW isn’t their step mom yet, but allowing them to refer to her by that may make it easier for your children. Children like structure, allowing them to call her step-mom may provide that. Besides, introducing the woman as “my brother’s mother” or “my sister’s mother” is a little awkward.

Thanks GG,

You brought up a couple of things I hadn't thought of...especially the part about structure.

XH came by to pick up kids recently and OC was in car. I helped my kids get in on either side of OC, hugged and kissed them w/out acknowledging OC at all. It was the closest I have come to ever meeting OC and I didn't even look to see resemblance or anything.

OC and I have a lot in common..neither of us asked to have yuck OW in our lives but because of sorry choices of X, we are both stuck. XH is stuck too and he knows it. I have accepted that M is over and I don't miss X anymore...we separated almost 2 years ago.

However, I realize I have a long way before I can accept OW as a person. To me, she's just a walking piece of trash and I'll be fine if I never speak to her. Had to spend more time in therapy to figure out how to deal w/OW than I did to deal w/XH.

If I figure how out to be honest w/out finger pointing, I will. Until then, I'll probably keep my mouth shut. I remember when I told our friends that the marriage was over. I tried to show poise and grace and take responsibility for my part of the demise of the marriage. My friends and his friends jumped all over that..even when you'd rather not mention that a third party was involved, there's this OC that tells the whole story.

I believe in telling the truth. My two kids were put right in the middle of it because my ex dragged them over his house and told them not to tell daddy. My kids seen alot that kids shouldn't see. I did alot of explaining and I think kids deserve to know why there family is falling apart. They have been told repeatily it is not there fault. They also need to know that having a boyfriend outside the M is not normal or good for the M. This is there life too and if mom and dad can't make it work they need to understand why. I will say they are very open with me and ask ? alot. I do not bad mouth their mom but I don't defend her actions. As far as the OP I got no rap for him. Anyone who steps between a M and two little kids and knows it is scum and scum finds scum.

I think it is unwise, to put it mildly, to wait until they ask questions before telling them the truth. You may well wait forever, while they come up with alternate scenarios, often blaming themselves. Children can tell when you are uncomfortable discussing something, and you will often end up with the "elephant in the living room" situation. That is not fair to the children.

So here's how it went. On vacation this week, oldest said, "I wish Daddy were here." After a few more questions, I hugged him and said I knew this was hard but that we would get through it. Said there must be lots of questions and that I don't want him to ever think I wasn't totally honest w/him. I then said that I hadn't completely figured out what was going on myself that suddenly daddy had J and a baby. We talked about how it feels when it seems life is out of control, etc. I also reiterated that daddy loves his children and that I am glad the kids like J and like going to daddy's house.

If ex finds out about this conversation, it will probably make him angry, but I feel OK about it. I just hope it doesn't make me look like I am pointing fingers.

Thanks for all your help.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=0#Post3081338

Check out the above thread on GQII.

ba109,

Thanks for the link. Interesting stuff isn't it? I felt good after our chat and feel so bad for the poor kid. He seems angry and unhappy. He is my main focus right now.

Today, I suggested to ex that we send eldest to a child specialist to help him deal w/all this but ex feels that is extreme. I may end up doing it anyway but plan to work hard with him for a few months to turn things around.