KM... it is so nice to see how things are going for you. You have come such a long way in such a short time. Good for you! Honesty has its rewards!!!

Quote:

"Honesty has its rewards!!!"

Thanks, MEDC. It's been a long, hard road but I'm trying. I'm learning everyday.

FT, I was a complete idiot when I first got here. Please stick around... this is the best place for you to be given your circumstances.

God Bless MB...

KM

Hi everyone,

Thanks for all your posts. I'm learning so much here at MB. This is such a hard week for me. I am missing the OM very much, but have had NC as promised.

I will be very busy with work for the next two weeks so by the end of that, it will have been 3 weeks since we (OM and I) agreed to NC. Hopefully, by then, it will be easier for me to not think about him all the time.

I realize this is an addiction and that I'm going through withdrawal. Suzet, I did read all your articles and they are very helpful. Thanks! I know this will subside over time. There is part of me that doesn't want this to end yet, but the OM is very strong and is able to resist this temptation. I almost feel "rejected" by him in a way, but thankful that he is able to be that strong.

H and I are doing very well. I know you all think I should tell him every detail of my friendship with OM, but he did know that OM & I were close friends. I would always tell H when OM called. Do I really need to hurt H by telling him all the intimate things OM told me? If I can get over OM, H never needs to be hurt by this whole situation. I will gladly take that burden and deal with this internally than to expose it and hurt him.

How could I connect so well with someone when I am truly in a happy marriage? My guess is that we've been married quite awhile, exhausted with small children and being selfish on my part - I loved the flattery from the OM.

I never had any type of experience like this ever before in my marriage - why did this happen now? I definately have my eyes wide open so that it does not happen ever again in the future.

Sorry to ramble on, but I don't want this experience to shatter my self-esteem. I'm hurt that OM can just decide to end our friendship and move on when I'm stuck hurting here. It appears that he can just detach and walk away. I'm not that way. I really cared about him and I don't know how to just shut those feelings off.

I apologize for even being here. I know many of you have been hurt by WS, but as a WS, please know that it is hard on this side too in two ways. We are trying to deal with hurting our spouse, but we are also dealing with "breaking up", for lack of a better word, with someone we truly cared about. It's alot to deal with.

Thanks for all your support and blunt responses. I need to hear what you have to say. Thanks again!

FT,

Your self-esteem has already been affected by the A.

In fact, I guarantee that is partially the reason you even got yourself into this mess.

I am proud of you for maintaining NC, and it's going to get worse before it gets better. What steps have you taken to protect yourself from contacting/being contacted by OM?

FT, you don't have to tell your H "every little detail" of the EA unless he asks. My H asked many questions of my A, some of which I didn't expect. Other questions I thought he would jump on me for he never expressed. The purpose of answering questions is to make your H feel safe.

It sounds like you are still mourning OM and are not necessarily willing to give him up yet. You are still disrespecting your H. If you want to just bury your dirty little secret, you will be set up for a lifetime of hurt in your M. You are NOT sparing your H but not telling him. Your M is NOT great... right now it is based on a lie, and it will only get worse.

My instinct is telling me that you want OM to contact you and tell you how much he's "missing" you. You really have little interest in marriage building.

Am I right?

Hi FT-
Congratulations on your NC! I know it's hard. Katie Mae gave you a stick and I'll give you a carrot <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I'm not condoning your EA, and I'm not trying to make you feel better about giving OM time in your head. But you said a few times that you were upset that OM "just decided to end our friendship and move on." I wanted to address that part of your post. In the beginning of NC the FWW oftens feels this (I know I did). Sometimes the feelings are so strong that you want to contact him to see if he is missing you as much as you miss him.

Contacting him would be a really big mistake. If I remember your first post, you and OM have tried NC before, and couldn't make it stick longer than a few weeks. Of course he misses you. He is continuing "no contact" out of RESPECT for you and your marriage, just like you are doing for him and his marriage.

Please do not disrepect him by contacting him. Likewise, please consider no contact from him to be a high compliment. If you can think of his silence as a positive, not a negative, maybe you can continue the NC.

I hope this helps. Also please consider Katie Mae's advice- she is very insightful.

Firsttimer, I want to echo what 090886 has said e.g. that your feelings of hurt and rejection about OM’s decision to end the friendship, move on and resist contact with you, is normal. I felt this way too. But as 090886 has said, you must view OM’s continuous No Contact (especially since he is in withdrawal and missing you too) as RESPECT for you and your M. It shows that he has his best interest at heart for you and your M (and for his).

Let me put it this way: If one REALLY cares for other and is a loving person who doesn’t want to cause pain and destruction in other people’s lifes...such a person will do ANYTHING in his/her power to do the right thing and to protect the people he/she really cares about…in spite of previous mistakes and wrongdoings. Such a person will do the right thing even though it might be hard & difficult at first…and even though it might take tremendous will-power and self-control… And this is what the OM is currently doing for you and your families… He is continuing No Contact because he cares and don’t want to cause further pain and destruction to you and your families... That’s why you must view it as a compliment and be thankful. And that’s why you need to continue respecting OM and his M too.

And in saying that a loving person will do ANYTHING in his/her power to do the right thing and protect the people he/she really cares about, you have to come clean with your H if you are genuinely a loving person, cares about your H and M and want to protect him. By staying silent about it and keep it secret, you are NOT protecting your H AT ALL.

I have a suggestion: You say your H knows this “friend”. Well, go to your H and just tell him that - during the friendship with the person you were close friends with – things have gotten out of hand and you became emotionally too close with this person. That you and OM shared intimate things with each other and that you became emotionally attached to him. Tell your H you felt guilty about it and viewed it as emotional betrayal towards him and because you respect him and love him (you H) so much, you have decided to end the friendship totally before things could develop any further and that you have decided to have No Contact with OM. Then leave it to you H to ask specific questions and answer it honestly and openly.

Write your H a letter if you think it will be better.

What do you think?

Take care and keep posting,
Suzet

So far, you are very lucky OM isn't stalking you.

So far.

And that, so far, he isn't otherwise making a nuisance of himself.

Be very thankful. You would not believe the stories we've heard of more ugly results.

Sometimes, the ugliness doesn't start right away. It's unpredictable.

My point?

Would you rather your H learn about the affair from another source, directly from OM, or stumble upon it when OM is trying to contact you?

Imagine how much that would hurt him. Not only would you have had an affair, you would have been continuously dishonest and continuing the affair for weeks, months. He won't believe you that you ended it back in July. Nor should he. Suddenly, your EA is a full blown PA complete with all the variables your H can imagine.

Food for thought.

WAT

Firsttimer, please listen to WAT… My H learned about my EA from an unknown outside source and it was VERY hurtful and devastating to him. You have a chance to do it the the RIGHT way... Inform your H before he discover it in another way or further down the road... If your H find out in any other way than directly from YOU, it will be MUCH more devastating & dissapointing to him...and then he will probably not beleive anything you might have to say about the EA. As I’ve said to you before, don’t make the mistake of thinking that your H will never find out. Secrets have a way to expose itself to the light of day in one or other way…even if it takes years from now... What if OM come clean with his W and OM'sW decide to call your H? Or the OM might decide to inform your H himself. Think about that...

Also as WAT has said, be thankful that OM behaves the way he does and not stalking you or making a nuisance of himself… I had the opposite experience. With the years, OM disrespected my request for NC and had tried to contact me from time to time. And this has prolonged my withdrawl and recovery. Because of this, my past EA had recently (after a period of THREE years) crossed boundaries into a further level of emotional betrayal towards my H and I had to send OM a 3rd NC letter. A’s and OP’s are like addictions and for this reason will probably always remain a vulnerability in your life… More reason you need to inform your H, continue NC with OM and be thankful than OM is respecting your NC request…

Take care and hope you will post soon (also read my response of yesterday).

Hi Everyone,

It's like you guys are reading my mind. I keep telling myself that I'm done with this EA and that I'm ready to tell my H.

Katie Mae, the truth is, at this momemt, I do want the OM to call and tell me that he is missing me as much as I am missing him. I'm mourning that relationship and can't focus on much more than that right now. Just let me get through this withdrawal period and then I can focus on my marriage.

I don't feel like I can deal with telling my H until I get over the OM first. One thing at a time. It's too much to try to handle mentally.

Katie Mae, to be honest, maybe I'm not ready yet to focus on marriage building. I've just ended a very special relationship and I have to heal from that first before I can work on building my marriage.

Suzet, I too, feel that this OM was some sort of "father-figure" for me. He gave me attention, approval and acceptance like I'd never felt before. He is also older.

In the long run, I do not want to be with him - I want my husband, but there is something that I just can't let go of. I know over time, I will let go, but it's just REALLY hard this week.

I will continue NC, but it's killing me. I feel like I'm spiraling into depression. I wonder if OM is feeling the same or if he's feeling anything at all.

Suzet, thanks for the suggestion on how to tell my H. That is exactly how I will say it when I do and I will do it.

I hope you all have a good day - I can tell it's going to be a long one for me.

Firsttimer, don’t wait with this and “postpone” it for too long… The sooner the better. You CAN do this!

It’s true that a FWS find it difficult to focus on recovering the M during early/intense withdrawal… I’ve also stated this in my Withdrawal Guide. But you can still try… and try to refocus your attention/thoughts on your H in stead of the OM. Please read the guidelines to FWS’s on how to get through withdrawal in my Withdrawal Guide again. You will find those specific guidelines to FWS’s near the end of the Guide.

Take care,
Suzet

FT,
I see myself in you!! I felt the exact same way. First end the affair, then work on my marriage. Step by step. It makes perfect sense, but it was wrong.

I simply couldn't do it. I tried, my OM tried, we just kept coming back to each other. It only ended when my husband got involved. I was so mad at him first, for interfering. I told him- I could have done it by myself!! I told him to stay out of it!! He calmly looked at me and said- No.

That was almost a year and a half ago. Only now I see that there was no way I could have done this by myself. I needed my husband, and so do you. Not when it's over, not when you're through withdrawal. Your husband is an essential part of the process. You need him now.

When you tell him (I believe you- you will) you'll be back to square one. You know that this is hard. Why go through it twice?

Please think about it.

Here's how I told my husband:

Me: "I need to confess something to you. I'm having inappropriate thoughts about another guy. It scares me to death. This has never happened to me before. I'm mad at myself, and I'm really scared about what you'll think about me."

Him: "I'm glad you told me. If it makes you feel better, I've had inappropriate thoughts before too. It's pretty normal, actually. How can I help you with this?"

His response really surprised me. Often on these boards people are told not to anticipate their spouse's response- they really need to just flat-out talk about it. So many times a spouse will react differently than you expect.

FT,

I knew it... I knew it because I use to feel the same way.

Right now you are more interested in ending the A, to get out of this mess you got yourself in. You're not thinking about H, you are trying to fix the mistake you made.

The truth is, you will never correct it until you tell H. Wanting to end the A and wanting to fix your M are two different things. I guarantee you will go back to OM if you don't tell your H.

When I first came here, I had realized the gravity of my mistake and was trying to end the A. I was more concerned with stopping the madness than rebuilding my M. Everyone here told me to tell H, but I refused. I was back together with OM within a month of first posting here.

It wasn't until I told H that the A ended for good, and I was able to rebuild my M and my life. It's hard, I'm still working on myself, but I can honestly say I NEVER want to see OM again. I was with him for three years, and I thought I loved him. I now know that I NEVER loved him, and I am sickened by him now.

I agree with 090886... why go through this twice? Because you will bounce back and forth between your A and withdrawl until you are completely suicidal. Then you will be completely broken, you will have made things 100 times worse, and you will have hurt your H even more. I get the sense that you will tell him also, but I'm worried that now is not the time for you.

Why do you think you are not worth a good M? Why do you need attention from another man? What is hurting inside of you?

KM

HI again firsttimer,
My H had an EA with a girlfriend from 35 years ago. He told me he had re-connected with her. He got a phone call from her in front of me one evening. He went into the bedroom and came out pretty quickly. I forgot to ask him what the call was about. He mentioned her a couple times to me very briefly in passing.

These comments were his way of deceiving me while still trying to pretend evertthing was on the up and up. That is what you are doing by telling your H that OM called. You are lying to your H. This is very disrespectful--telling him "oh, so and so called" when you know it wasn't just "called" like a girlfriend calling you. Stop fooling yourself about this and get a grip. Think how H would feel if he knew what you two were talking about--the intimacy--Do you really miss that?? Lying to your husband, disrespecting him--

Do you really MISS THAT???

It's not worthy of you.

Get a grip and stop looking at this affair like it is something special. It is very deceptive and mean.

Stay away from him--it doesn't matter how OM feels. His feelings are none of your business now!!!

Lake

Wow, there is some truly awesome, compassionate advice here for you, FT.

My wife had an EA and I discovered it. That was much more painful for both of us. I knew though that she needed my help *as her husband* to get her through this hard time. We married each other to have someone to walk through the peaks and valleys of life with hand in hand. Don't go it alone, he will be there for you.

I, as a husband, would want to know for this reason. I had a PA two years ago, and could have gone forever and my wife would never know. But I knew. As things got better between us, I knew. When she kissed me, I knew. When she told me how wonderful I was, I knew. When she told me she trusted me I knew. I had to tell her, she deserved that. I loved her that much.

You have it in you, trust the man you love to care for you and your marriage. Follow the advice here and the two of you can heal together and leave this pain you feel behind.

You are in my thoughts, good luck.

Keep posting firsttimer.

I made it through one week with NC with OM! It sucks - I miss him and I miss the feelings that I had when we talked. Hopefully this will get easier with time.

I know I'm supposed to just keep busy, but then I feel like I'm not really "dealing" with this - just ignoring it. How can I deal with the death of this relationship?

It's not like I can break down and cry - ever. I can't do that at work and I certainly can't do that at home. I have noone to talk to about this - except all of you - which I am very thankful for.

Katie, I do feel that I deserve a good marriage - I have a good marriage - that is exactly why I don't want to ruin it by exposing the EA. I'm not sure why, but I did crave OM attention like you said. It just did something for me.

Also, I never thought I was hurting inside before all of this - I really thought I was complete - perfect marriage, perfect kids, perfect home etc.... life was "perfect".

Maybe that was the problem. I think I just got bored - for lack of a better word. This friendship brought excitement and the "tingles" back. I felt attractive and desirable again. After having 3 kids - that felt pretty good.

Now I am trying to go back to the way things were before the EA and it's just hard. To be honest, I miss the passion I felt in the EA.

The EA was actually very separate from my marriage. I never compared the OM to my H and I never ever considered leaving my family - EVER! The EA was just "fun" for me. I never meant for it to actually ever amount to anything.

I'll quit rambling...Thanks for the advice - please keep it coming. I feel that by truly understanding "why" this happened then I can prevent it from happening again.

You said:

"I have noone to talk to about this - except all of you - which I am very thankful for."

Come on, FT.
*whack*
You have your husband to talk to! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


"I feel that by truly understanding "why" this happened then I can prevent it from happening again."

There are lots of reasons. One thing I pointed out to you early on was that you were in a transition period, just coming back to work after being home for several years. That's stressful. Another reason is one that you pointed out: talking to OM was "fun" and lacked all the day-to-day crud of bills, chores, and children.

It may be as simple as that or it may be more complicated. Ask your husband for his input- maybe he can help you figure it out <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

(you knew I'd say that)

Yes, as Suzet says- keep posting please. I know you're going to be able to do this. I like seeing success stories here, and you'll be one of them. You are inspiring lots of people- I hope you realize that. Do you see how many views your thread has? There are many silent people reading, hoping that they can be as strong as you are.

My H never compared me to OW. He knew he had a great marriage and never even understood it was an EA until D week. He too felt he was just having "fun". He was looking for affirmation. He liked being looked up to by OW. He felt he was sort of bragging about himself--delayed mid life crisis.

He said to her near the beginnig of the correspondence--'I shouldn't be doing this'. He knew it was wrong but it was fun and he was keeping it separate from his life. Just as you say you never compared your life to the EA.

Here is the difference: you are aware enough to realize it is an EA without a D day. But since you have no D day, you are still looking at the EA through EA fog eyes. My H was blind to what he was doing and probably would have kept doing it except that he got a little wild and careless. It took seeing the two of us in the same room together for him to realize that he was behavng badly.

THEN, after I had my big discovery and started talking to him about it from my point of view, it all became very ugly to him.

You don't have that going for you and your H.

That is why I am writing to you from your H's perspective. You are still in a fog. Your feelings are still coming from that fog place. Tingles from another man and you are disrespecting you H by having kept this all a big secret. Your H is so innocent to all this.

You need to see this from your H's perspective because these sad feelings you are feeling are unnecessary and are a betrayal to your M!!!!!

You cannot have such a relationship compartmentalized from you M. You cannot have these "Oh I miss him so much" type feelings compartmentalized from your M.

Sure, maybe your EA was just as you describe it---I truly believe my H's EA was about basically the things you describe.

How are you going to build a relationship that gives you these good feelings with your H--the man you love when you are still all goo goo eyed and oh so sad over this foolishness you had with the OM????!!!!

See this betrayal relationship for what it is----ugly---Missing "PASSION" from this ugly betrayal--Missing passion behind your H's back.

PASSION???!!!

Are you for real???

PASSION? With WHO WHO WHO???

YOU are still feeling too much about this guy and what you did--it is still too "fun' in your mind.

If you are not going to tell H you better find a way of seeing this EA from your H's perspective so that you can feel the humiliation and embarrassment that you should be feeling
Sincerely,
Lake

FT,

Listen to 090886 and Lake. They have just given you some very insightful and thoughtful advice.

Remember... "no pain, no gain!!!"

KM