Dear Firsttimer, I’m sorry this happened. As you can see this is NOT good for your recovery and take you back to the square 1 of withdrawal. What you need to do now is the following:

1. Tell your H about the contact immediately.
2. Write a NC letter to OM and send it to him. The letter should be approved by your H and signed by both of you before you send it. Begin the letter with a statement on how selfish it was to cause your H so much pain, that you care about your H and M and for his protection (and the protection of your M), has decided to completely end all contact with him. Tell him that you’ve told your H about the EA and have promised your H to never see or communicate with him again in life and that you ask him to respect that promise and not contact you ever again in any way. Nothing should be said about how much you will miss him etc.

A NC-letter like this will show and prove to your H (and give him reassurance) that you are serious about recovery and have the best interest for him and your M at heart.

If you need help here is a sample of NC-letters.

Firsttimer,

How are you? You are very quiet... How is it going at home? Did you follow my advice after OM's contact?

Please update us and keep posting.

Take care,
Suzet

Hello Everyone,

The good news: H and I are doing great! Just had a wonderful weekend and feel like we are reconnecting.

The bad news: OM is still calling. That's it. We do not see each other - ever. It's just a phone call here and there. We just talk about general stuff, nothing intimate, we're just friends.

I understand there needs to be NC - the withdrawal will start all over again - which was hard enough the first time. I did get on some anti-depressants (Paxil) which I feel is helping my view of everything.

I had made an appointment for MC, but H thought we didn't need it. That's how good things are going between us.

I know there needs to be NC with OM. It's hard for me to be mean and tell him not to call - especially when it appears that all he wants is just a friendship.

Justification? I know.....Feedback, please.....

Firsttimer, this is the first time I've posted to you, and I haven't actually read through all six pages that are posted.

Have you done the NC letter? If not, why not? If you have sent an NC letter, and he keeps calling after getting it, then you need to change phone numbers, block his e-mail addys, etc. If you haven't done the NC letter, than do it. Today. With your H's input/approval.

Only after you have had TRUE NC will the real healing begin. You need to stop getting these quick fixes from OM. Does your H know he's still calling you? He needs to.

I know of what I speak, as I have been there. Two years ago, I was involved pretty heavily in an EA/PA/EA. Things did NOT improve until after true NC was cemented in place.

Firsttimer, you already know the answer and have stated it yourself...NO CONTACT. And you full well know the reasons for this…so I’m not even going to bother to elaborate on that…

From personal experience I can just tell you that once a friendship has crossed boundaries into EA, there is NO turning back…EVER…even if you and OM don’t share or talk about any “intimate” things. I’ve tried that before (the “just friendship” thing) and it DOESN’T WORK. Look what happened to me recently – throughout the years I've allowed deliberate sporadic contact with XOM (birthdays, New Years etc.) and eventually there was a resumption and escalation of the EA to a more serious level (professing of past feelings of love towards each other).

You are playing with fire firsttimer...don't be a fool...

My advise to you stays the same: 1) Inform your H and 2) send a NC to OM approved by your H and signed by both of you (read my previous post to you on this).

Please protect your H and M and stop being concerned about OM’s feelings firsttimer… With your current behavior and concern for OM’s feelings (of not being “mean” to him and ask him to stop calling) you’re actually choosing him above your H…You know this is another betrayal towards your H firsttimer, don’t you? I suppose your H isn’t aware of this continued contact and "friendship" between you and OM, is he?

Firsttimer, your silence and failure to answer my questions indicates to me that you still allow OM to contact you and that you’re still keeping this a secret from your H. I know you still lurk and read here, so I want to say the following to you:

Stop what you’re doing! You’re playing with fire and doesn’t even realize (or want to realize) it! This “innocent” contact you have with OM on the phone is NOT innocent at all! Even if you and OM don’t talk about intimate things and just talk as “friends”, you’re still betraying your H and continuing the A behind his back. Why do I say this? Because once boundaries have been crossed from friendship into EA, there is no turning back and once that has happen you can NEVER be friends with OM ever again. I’ve tried that also and it DOESN’T WORK! Unfortunately you lost the privilege to be friends with OM the moment actions and/or feelings have crossed boundaries into more than just friendship… I’ve lost the grief of a friendship too and I know how difficult it is to give it up but you HAVE TO…especially if your H and M is the most important things to you (which your current behavior doesn’t indicate since you still put the feelings of OM above that of your H out of fear to “hurt OM’s feelings” or be “rude” to him). If you continue this “innocent” contact and “friendship” with OM and don’t ask him (through a proper NC letter approved by you H) to stop contacting you, you will stay addicted to him and your M will remain in danger...

Please to the right thing here before this situation gets further out of hand. Come clean with your H and send the NC letter to OM. You can do this…you need to this…and you know it. The longer you're waiting to do this, the more you’re piling up continuous betrayal, secrets and lies against your H…and the more difficult it will become for your H to recover and give you another chance. Every single day you postpone this and refuse to do the right thing, is another day of further betrayal against your dear H.

Think about it…

I hope I will hear from you soon.
Suzet

Hi Suzet-

Thanks for you frank words of wisdom. Actually I haven't talked to OM all week. My phone rang the other day and I could tell it was him so I didn't answer it.

Believe it or not, I really don't have a desire to talk with him anymore. I'm not sure if it's the AD or just that I'm focusing on my H more or what.

I know you think I need to send a NC letter, but OM will respect that wish and get the hint if I just ignore his calls. Believe me, we've been through this before.

No, H does not know that OM called last week. There is no way I'm bringing all this up again. We've finally started healing from the whole confession. I won't take OM's calls anymore and I just want to be done with this whole ordeal.

I appreciate all your advice and I know there is a "textbook" procedure for how all this is supposed to be handled (NC letter, etc..), but I just want to put all this behind me and move on. NC with OM and focusing on my family.

Thanks for your guidance and concern.

I just wanted to echo Suzet's advice. I also thought I could keep an innocent friendship going with my OM. I did, for years! But when my marriage took a turn for the worse, I leaned toward OM instead of my husband, and then I was toast. I really regret it. I'm ashamed of myself and feel so stupid. Please don't make the same mistake.

Sorry firsttimer- I was making my reply before I saw yours. I'm so glad you are ignoring his calls. But please tell your husband. Secrets are bad for a marriage. If the tables were turned, you would want to know.

At least tell your husband that OM is calling but you're ignoring. Give your husband the opportunity to be proud of you and the knowledge that you mean so much to him.

Thanks for responding firsttimer. I’m glad you’ve stopped taking OM’s calls and ignoring him. I’m proud of you for that, but I agree with 090886 that you need to tell your H about this… Don’t keep any secrets from your dear H. And when you tell your H, let him (your H) decide how to deal with this threat in his M and whether a NC should be send to OM or not… The reason I think you should send the NC letter is not because it’s “textbook” but because it will 1) show your H that you’re serious about NC and recovery of the M and 2) the NC letter will show the OM that your H knows about the past betrayal and it will discourage the OM from contacting you again.

Firsttimer, why are you so hesitant to send OM a NC-letter? You can’t lose anything by doing that…in fact, you can only gain from it (as I’ve explained to you above)… Please correct me if I’m wrong but I get the feeling that you don’t want to send the NC-letter for the following reasons:

1) In some way, you enjoy OM’s attention and enjoy the fact that he’s missing you and still “after” you...even if you don't take his calls. You find it flattering and it’s a boost for your ego... If he tries to contact you (even if you don't act on it), you still get your "fix".

2) You still put the feelings of the OM above that of your H because you don’t want to be “rude” and “hurt his feelings” with a proper and approved NC-letter.

3) You don’t want the OM to know that you’ve informed your H about the EA and you know a proper NC-letter approved by your H will show the OM that your H knows about everything…and you don’t want that.

Firsttimer, I have not said the 3 things above because I think bad of you or because I want to be rude, but because I’ve been a WS myself and because I know how a WW thinks/feels who (in spite of her good intentions) is still in the “fog” and put the feelings of herself and the OM above that of her M and H… I’ve been there and done that… I was hesitant to inform my H and send the letter for the same reasons I’ve pointed out above…and I have a very strong feeling the same applies to you… Tell me if I’m wrong.

Firsttimer, I know your intentions are good and you’re trying the best you can under the circumstances, but unfortunately, as long as you keep this (OM’s attempts to contact you and your recent phone conversations) a secret from your H, you’re still a WW and not FWW…

Firsttimer, I’m concerned about you, your H and M…you reminded me of myself and how I thought/felt back then…and this is why I’m speaking so frank to you about this. Please reconsider your decisions. The decisions you’ve pointed out in your post (to not inform your H and send the letter) is not in the best interest of you, your H and M…

Take care.

I have really messed up! OM called last Friday and wanted to meet. I was doing so well with NC and thought I had such a great handle on this.

I was so surprised at myself when I said yes without hesitation and met with him. It was like I was right back to square 1. I was shocked with myself that I didn't have more self-control and will-power.

Nothing happened and we just talked, but I felt so guilty and angry with myself for not being stronger. Why is this happening to me? Why can't I control this?

I have prayed about this everyday. I pray that God would free me from this addiction. I'm on AD which seem to be helping and I've been keeping busy and my family as my focus and really felt that I was on the right track.

How can I cave so easily at the drop of a hat when OM calls? Why am I not stronger? That is really scary for me.
I feel like this is almost out of my control.

Angry with myself.........

You keep stressing to us how good your marriage is, but it seems to me that something must be missing for you to keep breaking no contact.

Can you talk to your husband about it?

If not, then that is at least one of your problems. You lack an honest relationship with him. If you can't talk to him about EVERYTHING, then something is horribly wrong.

Start by identifying what OM gives you that you can't seem to get from your husband. That is what is missing in your marriage.

Then, identify what your thought process that allowed you to break your promise of no contact. That is was is missing in you.

Good luck.

SIGH…

Firsttimer, I really get impatient with you…

Please go back and read my previous posts and advice to you (also the advice of other members). I have nothing extra to say to you except that this addiction of yours will NOT get better UNTILL you follow the advise you received previously on telling your H and sending a NC letter (approved and signed by both you and your H) to OM.

Firsttimer, I really hope your anger & frustration at yourself will encourage you to do the best and right thing for you, your H and M. You’re fooling yourself if you believe you have a happy marriage. A marriage where one of the spouses keep secrets and can’t be honest and open with the spouse, can’t be healthy & happy at all... Also, such a marriage can’t have true intimacy and get fully recovered from infidelity…

Please think about this.

I'm not trying to justify my actions - at all, but Suzet, you obviously know how easy it is to fall back into the grip of OM? Your EA resumed just a couple of months ago - who's to say it won't resume again? You must have had a weak moment as well?

I guess I'm feeling judged here. I'm here because I am trying hard to let OM go and put my M first. I'm human - I'm weak and I am at fault for this whole scenario, but I am also a good person with a good heart and good intentions.

I guess I just felt that I needed to defend myself a little bit here.....

Yes, I had weak moments and yes, from what happened recently, I know how easy it is to fall back into that grip…I totally understand firsttimer. In fact, it’s because I know and understand your struggles and weaknesses regarding this issue that I feel so STRONGLY about INFORMING your H; keep NO secrets from him and cut off ALL contact with OM (by sending NC letter approved by your H)... This is precisely what I did after the recent resumption of the EA e.g. I informed my H about everything and send another NC letter to OM (approved by my H). Was it easy to do? NO! Did I hesitate to do it and was I afraid to do it? YES! But I still did it because I knew that those steps would be the only way out of the mess I’ve created for myself, to help correct the wrong choices I’ve made; to protect myself but most importantly, to stay honest and open with my H.

Firsttimer, I don’t judge you…not at all…but the fact is, you are NOT trying hard to let OM go and put your M first. If this was really the case (that you trying hard to let go OM and put your M first), you would follow the advice you received on this thread to do exactly this (steps that will help you let OM go and put your M first)…

Firsttimer, no one ever said you’re NOT a good person with a good heart and good intentions… In fact, I’ve told you in the past I believe you are a good person who have just made very bad choices… And you’re STILL making bad choices (by NOT taking corrective steps.)

If you feel you’re weak…then it's so much more reason to take steps to PROTECT yourself from those weaknesses e.g. become honest and truthful with your H and put a stop to OM contacting you...

Please go and do the things you need to do. The longer you're going to postpone it, the more difficult it will become for you to take corrective steps.

Take care en please remember, I'm concerned for you and I'm sometimes hard on you because I care for you and your M...

Suzet