Hi everyone,
I'm new here and I really need some support. My husband and I have been married for eight years, and we are separated now. We have a two year old son. This is the third time we have been separated for basically the same reason. He will not draw any boundaries with his female friends. He talks to them at all hours of the night and sends them text messages on the cell phone. One woman emailed him explicit pictures of herself and he continued to call her afterwards. What lead to our first separation was the fact that he was taking one lady to her job and just about anywhere she needed to go without my knowledge. He was calling her on the telephone and sending her text messages and he even called her when he was out of town for his job. There were even some women who would call the house when I wasn't there. He will apologize and stop the contact for a month or two. Then he will find some "new" friends and contact the old friends as well. He has had his cell phone number changed so many times that he probably could have bought a new phone.
I believe men and women can be friends,but in marriage there is a line of respect that you don't cross. Of course we have additional problems, but for me if we get a divorce this would be the main reason. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance.

Computerloca

Also new-and also just posted.

My husband does the same thing, though not to the extent you detail. In my opinion this does cross the line and does indicate a lack of respect for you [at the very least for what you are telling him].

I don;t have any good advice because I am also stuck. The only I can say is that you should not let him try to convince you it is normal and you are the one with a problem.

Good luck during your separation- I hope you are able to work things out, if not together for yourself-

Hi there Comp, I'm new here as well.

Not sure I can help, but I went through the same thing. H and I play online computer games (RGP) and when we first got married one of his online so called buddies emailed him 4 pictures of herself in a bikini and in other strange things. He and I shared an email address and I found them. When I got home I logged into the mail and he was standing behind me and I asked (before opening the pic's) who is this and he made the mistake of telling me. Long story short, I replied back to her that I did not enjoy seeing this in my mailbox and would appreciate that she not do this again and deleted them and her email address. Then I asked my H if it was OK that I do that and what he thought. He got the hint. I sure that was not the thing to do but I think (hope) it worked.

That is just not right and crossing the line way to far in my opinion.

Welcome, CL...

Have you read Shirley Glass' "Not Just Friends" yet? Or studied "Boundaries in Marriage" by Cloud and Townsend?

Have you read all the articles on the website about The Love Bank, Emotional Needs (ENs), Love Busters (LBs), the Four Rules of Marriage?

This is your third separation...can you tell me the requirements you had for him to return home the first two times? Did they include marital counseling (MC), individual counseling (IC), a post-nupt agreement?

I really like IGU's boundary enforcement with the email and address, btw. Thank you, IGU.

LA

Thanks everyone for your responses. LA I have browsed through some of the articles that you mentioned. They are excellent. As far as setting requirements for him to come back in the past I did. You know you get all of the promises and just enough to get by. Then it's back to the same old routine. This time I am a lot stronger and more adamant about him not coming back until things are resolved or we go our separate ways for good. We went to counseling during our second separation. The minister told him that if he was having a relationship that was interferring with his marriage to cut off the relationship. Naturally h thinks everyone is crazy except for him. lol I think it comes down to a difference in values and beliefs. Ultimately I don't think he will change. So I feel I have a decision to make: Do I accept his behavior and continue to be unhappy in my marriage?, Do I accept his behavior and find some male friends to "talk" to?, or Do I accept his behavior, get a divorce, and move on with my life?

There is a way to change the broken promises...through actions...you can make your requirements four months of IC and MC...you can lay out boundary enforcements (what you will do if he regains or makes contact with old or new)...these can include exposure, removing internet access from the home, cell phone, etc...and filing for legal separation or divorce...graduated, predetermined, progressive boundary enforcements.

What you didn't have before was knowledge...deep knowledge about boundaries around you, your marital boundaries, and what boundary tools and skills.

You can make this the last separation...up to you. I believe your H needs a Christian Psychologist...he has more issues than just cutting off inappropriate relationships...because he risks losing everything for them...like an addict does.

Did you do the EN questionnaires, for yourself and for him? How about the LB one? RC one? The more you know how relationships can work, the better you will be able to make your decision about your marriage.

You have a son. You have your own stuff, solely within your control, and your H has his...solely within his control. If you want, make your goal to have clarity...to really see what can be, what was and what really is...right now. Not only from your viewpoint...because resentment are like sunglasses, to me, fuzzing up and over my emotions, my perspective, with a slight glare of anger...and I know I'm locked into my own perception...and can widen it, open and remove what is mine--my resentment to get to my feelings of love and commitment...why I felt replaced, nearly erased by my H's actions, his choices...and saw all he did and said as a reflection of me, being the cause, control or cure of him...

Which was MY doing. Not his.

Getting clarity helps in all decisions...and we never have perfect clarity...we are not perfect beings...we are whole, complete and marvelously made humans...every one of us...separate and equal...by God's design.

So much to know and grow from...learning how to thrive instead of survive...before making huge decisions...without knowing your goal clearly...

We accept the person, not the behavior.

LA