My WW is in the FOG for about 1 month now and still saying (today) "I still don't have feeling for you and I can't stop thinking about OM." I tell her that I understand. There has been NC for about 3 weeks(I'm checking). I am doing a very good plan A, but when she tells me things like above - I need a pep talk. I don't turn to her and let her know that it is getting me down (no LB). I am turning to the board for good words and thoughts.

thanks
M2L

But u don't understand right? Ok, if you don't undertsand then tell her something more like:

WS: "I still don't have feeling for you and I can't stop thinking about OM."

BS: Hm.....that sure doesn't make me feel good. Actually I don't have good feelings for you as a WS but I do love my W.

L.

You've hopefully already seen this but just in case I'll post it anyway. You're going to get foggy comments for months...even when you think it's all over and you are recovered. The fog is thick and only slowly clears. Some days are better than others. You've got to roll with it and focus on being the best YOU can be.

Anyway, here's my old do's and don't's list post including the roller coaster effect.

----------------------------------


Waywards usually do this. They take a step towards you and you respond appreciatively...you acquire Hope and push for more, more, more. You hunger for HOPE and they fear it. WS's don't feel worthy of it and are holding on to so much of the rationalizations and justifications that they can't see straight YET. They fear hurting you further, hurting their family further. They fear you are placing much more significance on each step forward than you should cause they legitimately and quite necessarily DON'T FEEL IT...YET. So they slap you down and retreat. Hence, the step backwards.

When you detach from the rollercoaster and allow her to proceed at her desired speed you can hopefully minimize the steps back. When you believe yourself to be the obvious choice, acquire patience and the confidence that she would be a fool not to recommit to you, then you become the confident, unpressing, man that swept her off her feet so many years ago. She can more easily recommit to the man she saw back then than she can to the devastated man she sees before her.

Let it go, OM's out of the picture...this is just you and her now (I think). Try to date her. Movie dates suck cause you can't talk but those are the kind of dates you want now. Consider loud restaurants, clubs and bars. Activity based dates where you are not seated facing each other force to have that “serious talk”. But if she won't date you go out yourself and either have fun or feign fun. She'll eventually reconsider and follow along.

Mr. Wondering

P.S.- I kept the following list in my wallet and reviewed it many a night last spring to keep me on track.

Do's
1. Act Happy
2. Get a life (new activities, etc.)
3. repeat over and over...I will make it
4. Actively LISTEN....keep conversations at "to the point...small talk" ...don't blow it up beyond her comfort zone
5. Tend to Agree (Thank you for your truthfulness, It seems that way)
6. Expand your social relationships
7. Get sexy (gym, new clothes, etc)
8. Focus on your strengths and Positives...don't put yourself down verbally or constantly go over what you did wrong
9. Accept Uncertainty (Do your best today and let God take care of tomorrow)

DON'Ts

1. Repeatedly say "I love you"
2. Ask questions that don't have answers yet
3. Criticize, complain, whine or nag
4. Say, "I've changed"....let her judge your actions
5. Argue, Reason or Plead
6. Don't get family or friends involved in recovery
7. Act helpless or depressed
8. Discuss morality, invoke God or Dr. Laura type babble
9. Suggest marital counseling (must be her idea)
10. Tell her continually "we need to work on the relationship"
11. GIVE UP

Hang in there. It shouldn't be much longer, when your wife appears out of the fog. One day she will be ashamed of the things she said. Try not to take it personally. It should help as you read here and see the same words from the WS, over and over and over.

Maybe,

I just wanted you know I read this and I'm sending powerful cyber vibes your way. One of the most difficult and thankless things a loving betrayed spouse ever has to do....is endure the indignity of withdrawal. I'ts exhausting isn't it? And not everyone is capable of doing it with the grace that you are. Feel wonderful about the kind and forgiving person you are. I truly believe that you will be rewarded in ways you might not anticipate. Not many wayward spouses are as honest as your wife. She's given you a very dark gift with her honesty....it's one nobody wants to get....but it tells a story bigger than her feelings....it defines the kind of man that you are. Don't give up chere.

(((((((((((((((((maybe)))))))))))))))))

Hi Maybe 2 late,

I know I am not one to give advice yet but I have had alot of GREAT advice given to me on my thread.

Much more than I could repeat.

Check out my thread for advice from the experts here.

Maybe some will help you.

Stay strong!

Blindsided 06

Hi all,
Hope the weekend was as good as it could be for all of you. So now my WW asks me "why/how could you still love me?" What? Where did that come from? I told her that alought she was wrong and did something very hurtfull to me that I still love her because she who she is. I asked her about E feelings for me and she said "I still don't want to have S or touch you, but the feelings are getting a little warmer." She then asked me "how can you not be so p*ssed at me, why don't you just let me have it? Well, thanks to MB I knew not to the LB fly (I didn't tell her about this site or LB or plan A) I just told her that by me "letting her have it" would accomplish nothing and that I'm there for her. I said "you look like you could use a back rub and started to give her one when she said "how could you even want to touch me?" I just repeted the same thing I have been saying to her "you are a good person who just made a bad choice." She can't seem to understand my understanding. Without you people I'm not sure I could be this calm. Thanks! Should I be saying anything different? What should I be looking for from her next?

thanks again,
M2L

Maybe2late,

Withdrawl and the fog are horrible. WS will say some things that will really hurt you. Listen and be supportive. If you have not introduced her to the MB at least try to get her to read Surviving an Affair. I first printed the infedility section off the website and asked my husband to read it when he had time. I told him that I wanted a better understanding and I needed his confirmation on that. He did read it and there was nothing in there he could dissagree with. That was the beginning of our recovery. I then purchased Surviving an Affair and he read it from front to back. I also read it and honestly can say, the book saved me and my marriage is recovering all thanks to it. What this did was make him realize a few things.

1. This was not a magical unique chance of a lifetime with someone he was destined to be with.
2. Showed him where we were lacking and what it would take to get us back to being "in love"!

When he got to this point, the Emotional Needs questionnaire came into play and we set a side a night where we did it together. This was prior to the last and final NC and we both realized that our emotional needs were very much the same. This also opened the lines of communication even more. At that point, I was able to give even more LB deposits and things really started to turn around. We took a mini trip together which helped a lot too.

I got all the same questions you WS asked you. As hard has this sounds, try to be positive, you are doing all the right things so far.

Good luck

7142

hey 7142,
I am being stong, I feel some what good that I'm getting feed back from WW. I believe that she is starting to see things from a point of view that is more removed from the place she was in, perhaps the fog place. I'm not sure though, maybe just hoping. I told her that she talks more to me now than in a long time. She tells me that she feels like I'm there now to talk to. I tell you my plan A is in full force. I'm listing like never before, I'm attentive like never before, I help more with the house and kids. All the time - no LB, only being the best me I can be and I tell you what, the changes I've made to me becasue of ME not her, make me feel very good about me - for what ever that is worth.
thanks

That is great! Taking care of one self is important during all of this. Please buy the book though if you have not. My husband will tell you the same thing. It helped him tremendously through this. Most people think, how can one book make such a difference. Man, words cannot describe it!

Glad your having a better day!