I am in the Army, and I have been deployed for about 9 months. I am coming home in 26 days. I found out about 7 days ago that my wife has been in an affair for the last 3 months. The OM is an illegal immigrant, barely speaks english, is controlling, is a borderline alcoholic, is not married, has family in georgia. Basically a scumbag. My wife (i refuse to refer to her as ww), confessed to me 7 days ago, and said she loved me and wanted the marriage to work and said she wanted to be with me. I forgive. Really I do. The day after she told me all that, she broke down and said that she has thought about the OM all night and thinks she might actually love him more. She has told family members that she didn't know that kind of love existed. Her entire family knows. They are all furious at her. One family member has told me everything. When she told me she thinks she loves him more than me, we talked and she decided to wait until i got home and spend a week with me to see if our "love" was still there. she said she would not talk to him or see him until then. for the last 7 days she has still been talking to him and hanging out with him. She has been lying to me for the last 7 days, telling me that she is not going to lie anymore. I have read the MB website, I read the book, His Needs, Her Needs. I am trying everything I can possibly do to show how much I love her. I haven't yelled or said anything mean. I haven't hung it over her head. I don't know what to do. If she keeps hanging out with the OM until I get home, for the week that we spend together, she is going to miss the OM and think about him the whole time. One of her family members told me that she is still seeing him. I can't confront my wife about it cause she would end up hating me and the family member. What can I do? Help? I am 15000 miles away. I can only talk to her 30 minutes at a time, and usually only twice a day. Help please. please.....

nayr65 - First, let me say thank you to you for serving your country. Second, are you being transferred home, or is this "one week" just a break before being deployed again?

If you want to remain married to wife, then you are first going to have understand that she IS IN an affair and this babble about "seeing if our love is still there" is normal babble-fare for a Wayward Spouse.

Do NOT believe anything she tells you right now. Whatever works for your mind, consider her to be an "alien abductee with and alien temporarily occupying her skin," sort of like the "Bug" in Men in Black, or and addict who is addicted to her OM "fix" and thinks it's the "greatest high," until she begins to enter withdrawal and loses sight of everything that was seemingly returning to normal and runs back for another "fix" to avoid the pain of reality.

So, what to do? Let's start with the obvious first. Are there any children involved? If not then you have to ask yourself if you want her back or not. If you do, then you need to start taking some proactive steps that show her that ONLY a monogamous marriage will work for you. Separate all monies, bank accounts, etc. Contact an attorney for your state and find out what is needed for a divorce. I know you might not "like" this idea, but you have to face reality. The reality is that you wife has, as of this time, already chosen to leave the marriage. Tolerating her "having both of you" is NOT an option, unless you are into a so-called "open marriage."

If she is a believer, then engage the church (Pastor, etc.) in confronting the sin. The commandment on adultery is quite clear. But that's all I'll say about that for now since I don't know if the two of you are believers or not.

Read. Read everything you can about affairs.

Check out this for "reverse babble." Use the search function help you find it fast. Some ladies on MB are masters at this and it REALLY helps a lot of BS's (Betrayed Spouses) to know what to say when they hear the idiocy that springs from the mouths of WS's (Wayward Spouses) caught up in the throes of an affair.

If you want to save your marriage, buckle up for the long haul. The first order of business will be ending the affair, and that may not happen overnight. But until it ends, you have no chance at recovery. So start with that objective first.

Keep writing!

God bless.

Thank you for your service to our Country. My husband just returned from Iraq a month ago. I know how hard the separation was for us.

This part stood out to me.

"OM is an illegal immigrant".

Is he also working illegally? REPORT HIM!!!



Best of luck, you will find a lot of support and help here.



SKB

nayr,

Thank you for your service. You're been gone a long time now....and right now, while you're still gone....it might be easy for your wife to forget what it feels like to be with you. But I pray that very soon when you can hold her that the decision to be with the OM....will suddenly become clearly as insane as it is.

The one positive edge that you have....that many betrayed spouses don't have....is that the main problem creating vulnerability is physical separation. You didn't neglect her....you went to serve you country. You didn't mistreat her, ignore her needs....Most all of her memories of you are positive ones. It's important to remember that and not give up. She needs for you to be there....and once you are....the faults and shortcomings of the OM will become glaringly obvious. So many times....a betrayed spouse contributes to the vulnerabilty of the marriage and has to address those issues. You won't have to do much of that....because seeing her again will address the biggest issue you face....physical distance.

I've spoken with several soldiers in your situation....and I can honestly tell you that things changed drastically when they were reunited with their wives. Your wife is confused....but I will keep you in my prayers, that when she is face to face with you again....that the fog will begin to clear.

Don't give up hope.....and though you're hurting....remember that your primary concern right now is staying safe in a hostile environment. Go back and show your wife what a real man looks like. My bets on you soldier. *salute*

Nayr,

No words of wisdom to offer -just my thanks. There are many of us who are proud of what you are accomplishing and pray for your safety. We also find it absolutely despicable that some wives of you American Heroes are behaving like they are.

HUGS and prayers from the great State of Texas.

Regards,

BB

Dude, this happened to me while deployed. I was exactly in your shoes except that I found out after I got home.

Trust me when I tell you this. It is very tempting to do what is "nice" to your wife. Seriously, you need to do the following:

1. Consult a lawyer. If kids are involved, get an order to leave them in your house where they have been raised. I really wish I had done this one. I got screwed big time in our divorce because I was trying to play it nice.

2. Report him to INS and get him deported. She'll be furious, but this is what you absolutely NEED to do.

3. Tell your chain of command. They should know how sensitive this is and should support you. Possibly send you home early.

4. Do not trust her one bit. Not a single solitary bit. This is huge. I still trusted my wife when I came home and she took advantage of that trust.

5. Have her come to MB.

6. Start planning your plan A. It will be extremely hard to stick to. Have plan B in back pocket.

7. Protect your money. If you're with USAA, create separate account, change all passwords, move most of your money in there. Don't let her know your new passwords and give her just enough to get by for a little while. Deposit more as needed. You can do all of this online.


Brother, trust me completely on this. You can make all these moves simply to protect yourself and you're likely to still be able to do a plan A.

If no kids are involved, kick her out, revoke her command sponsorship and give her tough love after you've tried plan A.

Please, please, please heed my advice. This is coming from a man who'se now regretting having separated because I got slammed by infidelity when I came home from deployment. Do not be afraid to get psychological help. I'm a former officer and got that kind of help and my chain was extremely supportive.